cracker2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Hi all.. Just wondering does this affect everyone? I'm in ldr since November and still get very insecure about my other half when he is out or if I see pics of him tagged in Facebook photos with friends of his and there are girls in them too. He has never given me reason to doubt him..calls me pretty much every night etc etc .. He is a good looking guy and it stresses me out so much..,I think him living in California makes it worse cause all the girls are tanned and very good-looking and great bodies, He knows I get worried and does everything he can to make me feel secure but I still have difficulty trusting.. It makes me sick with worry sometimes
JohnP82 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I don't know how to answer you. I'm about to post a tread in the dating section asking for such advice.
Author cracker2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 Thank you.il take a look.anybody else have any advice?
lesoiseaux Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I'm a big worrier too so I do understand what you mean. But I never worry about my SO's faithfulness, because without trust, what else is there? I know it's cliche but honestly if you can't learn to trust your SO then your LDR isn't going to work out. LDRs take a really strong relationship, so if you want yours to work, you really need to get a handle on your worrying. You'll only push him away and I know you don't want that. When I find myself worrying too much, I remind myself that worrying DOES NOT help. It's probably the least helpful thing you can do. I understand the temptation to give into worries, but you say he's given you no reason to doubt him, so remember that. Plus, I'm from California and I can tell you not all girls are tan and good-looking
Author cracker2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 thank you i do try my best to not overthink things ..but i cant help it..its just me. I know it will push him away..we are currently going through a rough patch because i broke up with him over nothing and then accused him of cheating...and he was really hurt by it. he says he still loves me but he cant just roll over and pretend i didnt hurt him interesting about the cali girls..all the ones ive seen where he lives are pretty hot its soo frustrating
creighton0123 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I might have a different outlook on "cheating" and monogamy than most. You love him and he obviously loves you, but you're doing the two of you a great disservice by obsessing over obviously understood monogamy. Until you can get over the green monster and learn to trust him, you're actively disrespecting him and really telling him "I love you only to a certain extent". You are correct. If you can't get over this sense of jealousy and mistrust, you will push him further and further away. In some small way, if he were to cheat it is not because he is unable to maintain monogamy, but because you enabled him by creating undue stress in your relationship. Sure, other people are very good looking. But he's not dating other people. He's dating you.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I've never not trusted my partner, as in I know he'd never cheat, but I am insecure after being left by my ex after 18 years, it shook up my belief that a r/ship can be totally rock solid. My insecurity makes me think he could meet someone 'better' than me, or someone more local to him, he'd leave me rather than cheat on me. There are no guarantees our partners won't meet someone else, which isn't what you want to hear, but it's fact, but if you're happy together then there's no reason he'd look elsewhere is there? There are no guarantees in any r/ship, but it's pointless wasting our time worrying that things will go wrong, just enjoy things in the here and now, if your r/ship is meant to be then it will be, if you or he meet someone else, then you weren't right for each other. But don't let fear stop you enjoying what you have together. I trust him, even when he spent a lot of time with his ex still. However I was jealous as I wished it were me there with him and not her. He does have quite a lot of female friends, but doesn't see them very often as they're not local, I'd find it hard if he did, not trust wise, but just thinking he might prefer them to me, if I were there and we all went out together it would be fine. Your SO has given you no reason to believe he'd look elsewhere, don't let your insecurity ruin what you have. Me and my partner have talked about our insecurities at times, we also make jokes out of it so it's not a 'heavy' issue, which seems to help. It helps gets things into perspective. Where does your insecurity come from do you think? Hi all.. Just wondering does this affect everyone? I'm in ldr since November and still get very insecure about my other half when he is out or if I see pics of him tagged in Facebook photos with friends of his and there are girls in them too. He has never given me reason to doubt him..calls me pretty much every night etc etc .. He is a good looking guy and it stresses me out so much..,I think him living in California makes it worse cause all the girls are tanned and very good-looking and great bodies, He knows I get worried and does everything he can to make me feel secure but I still have difficulty trusting.. It makes me sick with worry sometimes
Author cracker2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 thanks guys! heavenorhell - this may sound so immature but it stems back to when we were teenagers.i was kissing him for a while briefly (we were like 16yrs old or so) and he went off with my best friend.i never met him or seen him again until we met about 9 months ago or so.. he hold me he cheated on his ex girlfriends ( 2 of them) he is a very good looking guy with a good job etc etc and alot of the girls on his facebook page are really goodlooking girls-most of which he addded before i came on the scene,but still comment on his pics saying he is hot etc etc,i think aswell because he lives in california i compare myself to them girls and one of his best friends over there is a serial cheater and that bothers me i hate that i feel i cant trust him.. it drives me insane...distance doesnt make it easier either but i think even if he lived in the same country as me..id still be worrying
Author cracker2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I cheated on an ex too..so I know all the lies that cheaters tell to hide the facts. No proud of it either
Author cracker2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 my head is wrecker and i think im def turning into a crazy woman.. this morning when we were talking we were talking about a minor celeb from my country who was over in LA and he was at an event she was at..he said she was hot and i burst into a fit of rage!!!! i didnt show it but i went all quite and i know he picked up on it
2penguins Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hey there, so I have been in an LDR for a year and now I will be in it again. I am in college and so is he. SO look this is what I want to tell you. I suffered with a curse of envy after we started our LDR. He was going to dif. college parties, I was going to dif ones. But I always though negatively about him cheating or finding another girl. But I discovered through time that " Hey since we are doing an LDR and he is making an effort to continue in an LDR I have no need to worry because he loves me and just because there are pretty girls or he may flirt or whatever-he still loves me." So my advice to you is to replace all your negative thoughts with positive ones because it appears that being in an LDR just proves that the both of you want to love no matter how far away. If he is still with you and loves you, there is nothing to worry about.
linkinghabit Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Hi all.. Just wondering does this affect everyone? I'm in ldr since November and still get very insecure about my other half when he is out or if I see pics of him tagged in Facebook photos with friends of his and there are girls in them too. He has never given me reason to doubt him..calls me pretty much every night etc etc .. He is a good looking guy and it stresses me out so much..,I think him living in California makes it worse cause all the girls are tanned and very good-looking and great bodies, He knows I get worried and does everything he can to make me feel secure but I still have difficulty trusting.. It makes me sick with worry sometimes it's a common feeling though but try to avoid thinking negative (indulge yourself into activities that keep you away from thinking too much)...you're just hurting yourself without apparent reasons and in the long run might affect your marriage...don't break your trust to him...
Author cracker2011 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 thanks guys...im trying.. i have taken up yoga last week doing it 3 times a week in the evening to keep me busy ( and i lost 4lbs ) we seems to have turned a corner i think..as least we talking better
blugirl Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 (edited) Sorry, just have to rant I hate days like today, when he has a day off and I texted him a few hours ago asking how his day went and I didn't get any response (which is unusual cause he almost always replies to me) and by now he's probably asleep but I don't even know what he was doing today and where he went I'm calm right now but I don't like such days anyway. He always asks about my plans, who I went with and where but I don't, despite I would like to ask and know too! It's because in my previous rlship I was awfully jealous and my ex was so sick of it that later on I couldn't even ask out of pure curiosity where he was or with who cause he would immediately throw a fit that I'm 'getting jealous again etc etc'. It was long ago, I've changed to a completely different, better person, my current bf doesnt even know that I used to be sick-jealous, yet I cant get rid of that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when I'm about to ask my SO what he was doing the day before and who he met with... cause I still have fear in me that I will be lashed back for being jealous and insecure >< Sigh, talk about demons from the past...need to get rid of that!!! Edited October 4, 2011 by blugirl
wildgeese Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I'm having an "insecure" moment (really just a moment of missing him and being uncomfortable about a female). I put the quotations because he has never done anything to make me not trust him and we've honestly never had trust issues in the year we've been dating. It's just one of those moments when I see a girl who lives in his new town posting something on Facebook and immediately think "stop it! he's mine! go away!". I know that she is interested in him and has even given him her number - under "music lesson" pretenses but I mean, come on, she's in a town surrounded by musicians and definitely didn't suddenly need lessons in the instrument she's been playing for years. I guess I just hate that she is really pretty and he could be tempted in the grand scheme of things. But I don't feel genuinely insecure and he's never been anything but polite to her. Sometimes it's just a drag having such a wonderful, friendly boyfriend.
Tayla Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 A theme that keeps getting re-iterated is the "compare" and gee she is soo pretty. As cliche as this sounds , beauty is exuded from the inside out....Try it as I think it will suit you better then how it has been from this outsiders perspective. I question whether even if this person was sitting on your lap that these very issues would not be the same.... Either you love yourself enough to be good enough to offer a loving relationship or you are wasting his time by "comparing" and Letting the "Trust" erode the relations. Its always a "choice", choose a different way...then practice it.
wildgeese Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 A theme that keeps getting re-iterated is the "compare" and gee she is soo pretty. As cliche as this sounds , beauty is exuded from the inside out....Try it as I think it will suit you better then how it has been from this outsiders perspective. I question whether even if this person was sitting on your lap that these very issues would not be the same.... Either you love yourself enough to be good enough to offer a loving relationship or you are wasting his time by "comparing" and Letting the "Trust" erode the relations. Its always a "choice", choose a different way...then practice it. I certainly agree with you that beauty is exuded from personality, personal values, etc. But we're all human and are prone to comparison and general weakness. You make the mistake of assuming that because we are prone to times of weakness, that we may think this way all of the time. I certainly don't. I don't think that my insecurities at times means that I do not love myself or that I am wasting my boyfriend's time. I am a confident, independent individual who knows that I have a lot to offer my boyfriend and he has a lot to offer in return. We are obviously together, and have been together for some time, because we find a unique bond in the other. I'm not very tolerant of people preaching the things or offering "guidance" without taking into account human flaw and the fact that these feelings and insecurities are completely natural. They do not mean that we are weak people overall.
wildgeese Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I maaay have been tipsy while writing that last one. But my overall sentiment still stands, just less aggressive. I apologize!
Tayla Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Apology accepted since as you and I kindly agree, flaws are natural. I genuinely enjoyed reading that you do have high opinions and good character, think that way when next time you get in a muddle. Enjoy your weekend. Difference of opinion and perspective does not mean a mistake was made.
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