A Call to a special guy

[cjcjcj]

Hi Everyone,

 

I’m planning on calling this guy I like whom I haven't spoken to in about 6 months. We're just friends although he does know that I like him. He doesn’t' call me often but I try to keep in touch with him as much as I can. It's been a while since he last called me and as far as I know we’re still friends. I tried to keep things neutral between us because I don't think he's really interested in a relationship with me (at least not now). He seems to be a really nice person and I would like to continue to get to know him. I made the mistake in the past of being a bit to direct with my feelings for him. (I may have possibly come on a bit too strong) Anyways, I would like to talk to him again and was wondering what I should say.

I going to leave a message on his voice mail for him since that's the only number I have.

Any ideas on what kind of message I should leave?

I haven't spoken to him for a while and am not completely sure if everything is okay still between us??

[LILUIL]

It's always okay to call and say hi, how are you and all.....

 

are you expecting to patch up or anything? be careful not to have too high hopes.

[clia]

Don't call him.

 

You obviously want a relationship with him, no matter how you try to mask this phone call as a "friends" phone call. If you were "just friends" you wouldn't need to post on a relationship forum to find out what to say on his voicemail. Look, you came on too strong...you know he doesn't want a relationship with you...he hasn't called you in six months...he has moved on. I think you are wasting your time by mooning over this future phone call to him. Just move on.

[moimeme]

Oh laws! Here we go again. It's just a flippin' phone call. It's not a marriage proposal or a desperate plea or anything else. It. is. A. PHONE CALL. She's not proposing plastering herself in stamps and mailing herself to his doorstep or camping out in his neighbourhood and stalking him.

 

Heavens to betsy! What is this with people getting all exercised over a simple call on a telephone??? I absolutely do not get this. If you want to call and say hi, call and say hi. Everybody is making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

[sportsloving]

She's not proposing plastering herself in stamps and mailing herself to his doorstep or camping out in his neighbourhood and stalking him.

 

LMAO.

 

Say hi, I was just wondering how you are doing. End of story. Then it is his choice to call back or not, and if not, in six months, make another call ... then try Moimeme's suggestion

 

Good Luck

[clia]

Oh laws! Here we go again. It's just a flippin' phone call. It's not a marriage proposal or a desperate plea or anything else.

 

It is a desperate plea. She hasn't talked to this guy in six months. She wants a relationship with him. He does not want one with her. This phone call is a desperate attempt to reestablish contact with a guy who hasn't given enough of a crap about her to contact her within the past six months.

 

Heavens to betsy! What is this with people getting all exercised over a simple call on a telephone???

 

If it's not a big deal, then why does she have to ask advice on a message forum about what to say? If he was truly a friend of hers, then why haven't they talked in six months? If it is just a friends thing, then what's the big deal? By her asking about it here, it leads me to believe that this phone call is a big deal. And that she is chasing a guy who is not interested in having a relationship or a friendship with her.

 

I absolutely do not get this.

 

Because you are thinking about it from the viewpoint of a woman. Read some Mars and Venus books.

[moimeme]

It is a desperate plea

 

That's just goofy.

 

Because you are thinking about it from the viewpoint of a woman. Read some Mars and Venus books.

 

No, actually you are. It is a woman who would analyze one phone call in six months to death and try to extract every possible nuance out of it. A man will just think 'oh, here's whatsis calling me. Wonder how she's been'. He will not go off and agonize over the true significance of this rare call. He won't spend hours debating whether she truly loves him or is just playing games. He'll likely even forget she's called if he's busy with something else.

 

Am I making generalizations? Only partly. It is JUST a phone call. He's not going to know she posted here worrying about it, now is he? He certainly isn't going to interpret ONE phone call in SIX months as 'desperate'. If he does, he's a lunatic and she should run far from him. Two phone calls a day if they aren't already in some sort of relationship would be 'desperate'. ONE phone call in SIX MONTHS is almost total neglect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sportsloving]

A man will just think 'oh, here's whatsis calling me. Wonder how she's been'. He will not go off and agonize over the true significance of this rare call. He won't spend hours debating whether she truly loves him or is just playing games. He'll likely even forget she's called if he's busy with something else.

 

So she calls, leaves a message even, then it is done. She keeps it easy and friendly, he will return the call (in his time of course). She says I can't live without you, you are my life, let's be together... he will call the men with the white jackets and direct them to her whereabouts.

 

The worse that can come of it is that he won't return the phone call. It isn't like he is going to blast her to pieces for saying hi. If there are bad feelings on his end, then no, he won't call. But if they are friends, as she has suggested, he might wonder why it has been six months since they last spoke.

 

But I don't think a two minute phone call to an answering service deserves this much thought and trepidation. Is there something in the past that makes her stress this so much? (Other than the knowledge that she wants a relationship and he doesn't?)

 

IMO, keep in mind that he may call back. He may not. don't tie your whole world on this call... it isn't worth it.

[moimeme]

But if they are friends, as she has suggested, he might wonder why it has been six months since they last spoke.

 

Exactly.

[clia]

No, actually you are. It is a woman who would analyze one phone call in six months to death and try to extract every possible nuance out of it.

 

He's not going to analyze it. He's going to think "Why the hell is she calling me? I haven't called her in six months. Can't she take the hint? How annoying."

 

If a guy wants to be your "friend" and wants to "keep in touch" he will, come hell or high water. I firmly, firmly believe this. When I was younger I've been on the other end of a guy saying "But I never called you. What did you think?" That's why I feel the way I feel, incorporated with a lot of discussions with my guy friends on this very topic. I don't think he is going to think "wonder how she's been." I think he's going to think "Jesus, I thought she was over this."

 

He certainly isn't going to interpret ONE phone call in SIX months as 'desperate'.

 

But he may wonder why in the hell she hasn't moved on.

[sportsloving]

But he may wonder why in the hell she hasn't moved on.

 

Oh come on. It doesn't appear they were ever in a relationship that she should have moved on from. They are friends. Sometimes you lose contact with friends. It happens.

 

Saying hi isn't going to stir up any great debate. It isn't going to end with her looking desperate. Maybe he lost her number? Maybe he was pretty busy and was concentrating on school/work.

 

It has happened before, you lose contact with a friend, they call you, you say hi how is it going, and you feel good to know that someone was thinking of you.

[clia]

Oh come on. It doesn't appear they were ever in a relationship that she should have moved on from. They are friends.

 

From her post:

 

I’m planning on calling this guy I like whom I haven't spoken to in about 6 months. We're just friends although he does know that I like him.

 

They are just friends because he does not want a relationship, not because she doesn't.

 

He doesn’t' call me often but I try to keep in touch with him as much as I can.

 

Desperate? He doesn't seem to care whether they are "friends" or not.

 

It's been a while since he last called me and as far as I know we’re still friends.

 

Friends because he does not want a relationship. The easy way out, the "oh, but we can be friends."

 

I made the mistake in the past of being a bit to direct with my feelings for him. (I may have possibly come on a bit too strong)

 

She spilled her guts and he rejected her.

 

Still think she should call him? I think she should move on and find a guy who won't reject her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m afraid I’m with Clia on this one. True, phone calls are harmless, but in this case it might absolutely be misinterpreted as an act of desperation.

 

Our poster admits that the gentleman is already aware that she likes him. She has already mentioned that she revealed her feelings…even came on “a bit too strong.” She also said that she has made an effort to stay in contact with him, no mention of ‘him’ making an effort to stay in contact with her.

 

I think this ‘friendship’ is awefully one-sided. Why else hasn’t he bothered to get in touch with her in the last six months? A ‘friend’ wouldn’t just loose your number or get so busy that they simply forget to call. He obviously hasn’t been thinking about her as much as she’s been thinking about him.

 

I’m not suggesting that she ‘shouldn’t’ call. If she catches him at home and he answers, he may feel obliged to be polite…but I’m willing to wager that if she leaves a message, he may be “too busy” to return her call.

 

Give it one more shot, and if nothing happens, gather up your dignity and leave it alone.

 

Good Luck!

[moimeme]

Oh big whoop. He'll either not return the call or he'll return the call. He might have been thinking 'gee, I should have gone for it with X'. He might have been thinking 'I wish I still had X's number'.

 

When I was younger I've been on the other end of a guy saying "But I never called you. What did you think?"

 

Yes, and that's your baggage. But that guy isn't all guys. Now if some guy had said that to me, I'd have retorted 'I though you might have lost my number so I called you. Sue me.' And then I would have written him off as a jerk.

 

Conversely, I have, more than once, extended myself a bit more to a couple of fellows when I thought them very worthwhile people and they weren't making many rapid moves. The fellows were glad and I've gotten wonderful friendships because of it.

 

In the worst case scenario, the guy tells her off - so what? It's pretty sick when someone will throw a fit about you liking him unless he's told you to get lost or in some other way made it clear that he wanted you gone forever.

 

They are just friends because he does not want a relationship, not because she doesn't.

 

So? If they're both fine with it, then that's peachy.

 

 

quote:He doesn’t' call me often but I try to keep in touch with him as much as I can.

 

Desperate? He doesn't seem to care whether they are "friends" or not.

 

Bullhooey. I have a few friends that I don't get around to calling - mostly because we live at different ends of the country and their hours and mine often don't mesh. It may be true that she's not uppermost in his mind, but friends often fall out of contact for long chunks of time. In fact, that, to me, often means someone is a true friend - that he or she keeps coming back.

 

Friends because he does not want a relationship. The easy way out, the "oh, but we can be friends."

 

So?

 

quote:I made the mistake in the past of being a bit to direct with my feelings for him. (I may have possibly come on a bit too strong)

 

She spilled her guts and he rejected her.

 

Still think she should call him? I think she should move on and find a guy who won't reject her.

 

I think that courage is a very good thing to develop. I think that taking risks and chances pays off both in terms of helping one become courageous and also because sometimes things actually work out.

 

It seems, Clia, that you found your experience very humiliating, and I'm sorry for that but I don't think it means people should hide and be fearful of taking the odd risk. If it fails - that's life. Onward and upward. Minor setback.

 

Remember, one of my favourite sayings is from Twain and it sits right in front of me on my desk:

 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

(Mark Twain)

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. No guts, no glory. And, as Colette said, 'You will do foolish things. But do them with enthusiasm'.

[sportsloving]

I just wonder, while we are debating the pros and cons of this action of hers ... did she do it and how did it work out?

 

In the face of everything, it is her decision. It is her choice. I don't think it makes her look desperate, nor does it say she is throwing herself for rejection. She just shows that she cares about someone. (That is a good trait to have, even if they don't have the same feelings).

 

It's a phone call. It isn't anything more.

[clia]

moimeme,

 

I'd like to know why every time I post my opinion on dating you have to jump all over it? You and I do things differently. As far as I knew, this was a message board for posting opinions. We don't all have to agree. It seems to me that people would find more value out of hearing differing opinions than just hearing the same old thing. I don't agree with the way you do things and I don't agree with most of your advice, but I certainly don't attack you about it.

 

Your way is not always the best way for everyone. I find it really insulting that you always have to say things like "oh, here we go again!" whenever I post. WE DATE DIFFERENTLY. My way works for me. Allegedly your way works for you. Not everyone who comes here for advice wants to do things the way you do them. If you want to start a discussion where we can debate our differing views on dating and relationships and friendships, then fine, but I'd GREATLY appreciate it if you would back the **** off and not criticize me every time I post MY OPINION with your offhanded sarcastic and rude remarks.

 

My OPINION is that she should not call this guy because he is not interested in her. She is not looking for friendship--she is hoping that he is going to change his mind and want to date her. She admits that she still likes him. In my OPINION, she is going to look foolish by calling him after all this time.

 

Yes, and that's your baggage. But that guy isn't all guys.

 

And as the following sentence said, I've talked about this at length with other guys. It's not baggage--it's reality. Men who are interested CALL YOU. This guy has not shown one iota of interest in her in the past six months.

 

Now if some guy had said that to me, I'd have retorted 'I though you might have lost my number so I called you. Sue me.' And then I would have written him off as a jerk.

 

Gee, I wish I could be JUST LIKE YOU. NOT.

 

Conversely, I have, more than once, extended myself a bit more to a couple of fellows when I thought them very worthwhile people and they weren't making many rapid moves. The fellows were glad and I've gotten wonderful friendships because of it.

 

Well good for you. But she doesn't want a wonderful friendship with him. She wants a wonderful friendship that will blossom into a relationship, which he has already POINT BLANK told her that HE DOES NOT WANT. Your situation is apples and oranges. In my OPINION, it is better just to float away.

 

It seems, Clia, that you found your experience very humiliating, and I'm sorry for that but I don't think it means people should hide and be fearful of taking the odd risk. If it fails - that's life. Onward and upward. Minor setback.

 

**** you moimeme, and don't assume that you know how I feel about anything. You and I share nothing in common. I'm GLAD that guy said that to me because it made me realize all the chasing and calling I'd been doing was not worth a dime of my time. If he hadn't said that to me, I likely would've kept that up. It was a fabulous learning experience for me. I thought this poster could benefit from what one guy said to me, and what my other guy friends have confirmed. Guys who are interested CALL. They want to see you. They don't let six months go by without a word.

 

I'm not advocating that she "hide" or be "fearful of taking risks." Why are you putting words in my mouth? In my view, point blank, this guy is not interested in her. He has (a) told her that, and (b) shown her that through his actions. Taking a risk does not equal beating a dead horse. Again, I do not believe that she is calling to start a "wonderful friendship." I believe she is calling in the deep down hope that he will change his mind about having a relationship with her.

[sportsloving]

We don't all have to agree. It seems to me that people would find more value out of hearing differing opinions than just hearing the same old thing. I don't agree with the way you do things and I don't agree with most of your advice, but I certainly don't attack you about it.

 

This post certainly seems to be a personal attack on Moimeme.

 

Your way is not always the best way for everyone

 

Her way is her way, your way is your way, my way is my way. She never stated that her way was the only way... she was giving her opinion. Just as everyone is free to do, this is after all, a message board/forum.

 

My OPINION is that she should not call this guy because he is not interested in her. She is not looking for friendship--she is hoping that he is going to change his mind and want to date her. She admits that she still likes him. In my OPINION, she is going to look foolish by calling him after all this time.

 

And again, that is your opinion. I disagree, I think she should call and leave a nice message and see what happens. Who knows what has happened in those six months ... who knows if he is wanting a relationship or not. It is better to find out than to sit wondering. And if he doesn't respond, he doesn't respond. I don't feel making a phone call is going to make anyone look foolish. BUT that is my opinion.

 

And as the following sentence said, I've talked about this at length with other guys. It's not baggage--it's reality. Men who are interested CALL YOU. This guy has not shown one iota of interest in her in the past six months.

 

You have asked your friends. Great, then you get the feeling from them. I could ask just as many of my friends the same questions and come up with different answers. Pretty much like this message board, different people will answer differently.

 

Gee, I wish I could be JUST LIKE YOU. NOT

 

Kind of rude don't you think?

 

I believe she is calling in the deep down hope that he will change his mind about having a relationship with her.

 

I agree with this. She is clearly interested in him. She has every right to give him a call after six months to say hi. If something works out, great.. wonderful. If not, then she knows she gave it a shot.

 

But then it is her call to make (pun intended). As for the original poster... only you know the full situation and how he may or may not react. I do wish you luck with whatever you do...

[moimeme]

Clia, I'm sorry you feel attacked. It is your opinion I disagree with. You are quite right that we differ greatly. You like macho, alpha, couch jockeys and I dislike them. You are very anti-women calling and I think that's an antiquated view. So, whenever someone is in a situation where they ask about what sorts of men we prefer or whether a woman ought to dare to call a man, we are guaranteed to disagree.

 

I think you make much too much out of something as simple as a phone call whether it's a first call or an umpty-umpth one is all. You told a tale where you were wounded because you called someone who didn't want you to call. That's fine, as is your poll of your associates, but, as you point out, there are different views and I explained why I said what I did and why I thought you said what you did.

 

One time, I read a letter where a man told a woman that she was like a 'millstone around his neck'. That appalled me. I suffer from terminal reluctance to become a 'millstone' around anyone's neck. Even despite that, I will call fellows and, as I mentioned, it has worked out very nicely. There's nothing wrong at all with having wonderful friends, even if they never have the good sense to fall in love with one so for the sake of that alone, I still think it's worth a shot. The loss of something potentially great is, to me, much worse than a temporary loss of a tiny bit of dignity.

[Curt]

As has been stated, I believe that what we have here, as is a difference in two posters with equally strong viewpoints.

 

Clia, as of a few weeks back, I was at a mall buying a lottery ticket (wasteful I know ). Anyways, when I turned around, there stood up, waiting to speak to me was a friend of mine: intelligent, sweet, and also beautiful. A woman I would LOVE to have a relationship with.

 

She told me within the first few minutes of the conversation that she was in the phonebook, but that her name was spelled wrong. Told me the spelling, told me the number, etc. She even told me where she lived in the city.

 

In the space of time that we started talking, her mom happened along even, I introduced myself to her mom, and her mom mentioned that "oh, yes, she's mentioned you before..." yadda yadda...

 

Problem is that I know she's with someone now. I asked her at one point, "I guess you and (insert dude's name here ) will be married soon."

 

She started rubbing her face, lookin' sorta "yeah, right" about it and said "Yeah, I guess pretty soon" (somethin to that effect.)

 

She had also mentioned that she figures he may have to go away for work, etc.

 

Now, clearly, this may very well have been an ordinary conversation. However, I got a vibe of otherwise. Almost felt like an invtation. BUT

 

BUT ... Have I called to sorta "probe" the situation?

 

Nope.

 

((Because I'm a weakling and don't have the jewels to call?))

 

OOOH I WANNA CALL BIG TIME, and my nads are fine thanks very much!!!

 

BUT...

 

EVEN if she would welcome me trying to "spring her", I think she's gonna have to do the springing for herself. I want her, but ... what if it's friendly conversation?

 

Moral of the story? Hmm ... I forgot it!!!

 

 

 

NOO ... wait now ... moral is, there are many reasons why a dude may not call. Not all obvious? Will that moral do?

 

Curt

[moimeme]

Vivid once posted a hilarious post about what happens to numbers that fellows take from ladies and why and how they end up not calling. Which mostly had to do with losing the number.

[cjcjcj]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all your input. I haven’t placed the phone call but I will be doing that in the next couple of days. clia pointed out that this phone call might be a desperate plea….this is something I’ve thought about too. Although I have given him six months of space from me and I was under the impression that this person wanted me to call him (he told me so) He told me to call him as often as I like. Well, I haven’t done that because I didn’t want to appear desperate. I have a lot of respect for him and have always showed I care about the feelings of others. I am a little disappointed that he doesn’t like me the way I like him. I have to say that when I have seen him at social events, he always is nice to me and appears to enjoy talking to me. I should say that he hasn’t ruled out a relationship with me all together…he has flirted with me in a tasteful manor. I feel he doesn’t really want a relationship right now, I could be wrong. He’s not player so I’m not worried about that. So after everything I still feel that I haven’t done anything wrong so why wouldn’t he call me back? This person could have moved on and found someone else….that reality is always in the back of my head. I had the impression the he enjoyed having me around even if we were just “friends”. I thought that if he respected me he would call me back. I’m not in his bad books. So I hold on to the belief that he will call me back otherwise he’s not the kind person he presents himself to be.

[moimeme]

He told me to call him as often as I like. Well, I haven’t done that because I didn’t want to appear desperate

 

Now. If you told someone to call as often as he liked and he never called, would you not then assume that he wasn't calling because he didn't want to?

 

 

?

 

 

?????

 

So if your answer is 'yes', and if he already told you to call when you liked, how, please tell me, would calling him oftener than once every half a year look 'desperate'??????????????????????????????/

 

It's bad enough that people don't communicate, but when they communicate in plain English and people still don't get it - well -

 

[cjcjcj]

I hear what you're saying moimeme and I have called him but sometimes he just doesn't call back. So what can I deduce from that....well I would assume that he doesn't want to talk to me. After that happened I questioned him another time about it and he said "call me everyday" and then sorted smiled and blushed. So I thought alright I'll do that but he still leaves a big gap between phone calls. I thought I'll just wait it out. He has admitted to me that he's very shy so is that the reason for the lack of contact with me....I don't know? I was very direct with him about wanting to go out with him so is he scared by that or just wishes I would go away??

[moimeme]

Well, I'd not call him every day, but some people are a little phobic about phones. If he said 'call me every day' - AND blushed - again, that you haven't called says to him that you don't want to talk to him. Some people are absolutely lousy at returning calls. Call him. When next you speak to him, ask him these questions.