Sticking to guns and saying goodbye to old life?

[JamesMay]

I've been having some difficulties. For 5 years, high school into college, I'd been dating this beautiful girl. She and her sister were two of my childhood friends, my parents are still friends (we even used to go on family holidays together).

 

We broke up almost two years ago in mutual consent because things hadn't been working good. I was (over) enjoying college life, she was taking it (too) serious. I still had a lot of feelings for her which I suspected were somehow mutual. We still hadn't had another relationship. Up to a few months ago she still had a massive picture of us two in her bedroom, we we're playing in a band, goint out together, grabbing dinner... I was still very fond of her, sometimes making very clear I still missed her. She would answer something like 'I know'... Even if she did have feelings, she would always deny it, going out and flirting with a lot of guys when I would cross her somewhere.

 

At first everything seemed fine, I was still very welcome in their home, I spent a lot of time with friends so with her sister too (who was really disappointed things had been broken off). Their parents said I would always be considered part of the family.

 

A couple of months ago I slept with one of the sluttier but best friends of her sister. She had been trying with me before but I always avoides her seductions. She's very beatiful, smart but she had already slept with one of my friends before. I was, as you can imagine, feeling pretty lonely. We had partied until the morning so it happened. We've done this a couple of times now. I'd gotten to know her better since I broke up with my girl. After this I started having more fights with the sister about this and my relationship with her felt strained. I thought I had to tell my ex too since she had known the girl not very well but for a very long time. She seemed ok with it, though a little jealous, but she told me she was glad I was moving on.

 

So a couple of weeks pass, everything seems normal except maybe my ex being a little more verbal towards me and giving me a little more attention (in an ok way, we were still friends), her sister acting a little weird at times, especially when talking about my ex. Then I see this: my ex girl with one of the guys in my collegeband she was 'best' friends with and and who had always had a crush on her. We would even joke about it when we were together. She denied what I saw at first but then realised she couldn't, so she calls me. I was furious for her going all gossip girl on me, manipulating and playing games around me. It almost seemed like she was 'getting back' at me. I said I was tired of her mixed messages and the way she changed, craving attention from every hotter than avarage guy where ever she goes just to deny the fact that she might have made mistake. She could get anyone with those looks but she was now going for this douche. I said I never wanted to see her or speak to her again. And I didn't. I removed her pictures, social media, I skipped the party she organises every year and even ignored her completely ceveral times a few weeks ago while going out with a big group. I got a couple of calls from her sister saying I was overreacting and that I hadn't been 100% correct either, that it sws more than a year since we broke up... But I just didn't want to make an effort for something I thought was even more humiliating and painful than what she'd done. Forgiving her.

 

So now I'm here, a couple of months later. I still feel I did quite a good thing cutting her completely out of my life. I just feel I might have treated her a little harsh. I think I am over her now, but realising more and more I might have, in the heat of the argument and my lingering feelings for her, played it harder than I needed to. Her sister isn't calling me as much too and she said it's sad we can't be the friends we used to be.

 

What do you think about this situation? Should I walk away, continuing as I am or should I try to close this all on good terms. My ex and her sister were two of the most important people in my life since I was 11 years old? Maybe it's important to add her sister is moving axay to another continent in two weeks.

[visualbasicide]

I've been having some difficulties. For 5 years, high school into college, I'd been dating this beautiful girl. She and her sister were two of my childhood friends, my parents are still friends (we even used to go on family holidays together).

 

We broke up almost two years ago in mutual consent because things hadn't been working good. I was (over) enjoying college life, she was taking it (too) serious. I still had a lot of feelings for her which I suspected were somehow mutual. We still hadn't had another relationship. Up to a few months ago she still had a massive picture of us two in her bedroom, we we're playing in a band, goint out together, grabbing dinner... I was still very fond of her, sometimes making very clear I still missed her. She would answer something like 'I know'... Even if she did have feelings, she would always deny it, going out and flirting with a lot of guys when I would cross her somewhere.

 

At first everything seemed fine, I was still very welcome in their home, I spent a lot of time with friends so with her sister too (who was really disappointed things had been broken off). Their parents said I would always be considered part of the family.

 

A couple of months ago I slept with one of the sluttier but best friends of her sister. She had been trying with me before but I always avoides her seductions. She's very beatiful, smart but she had already slept with one of my friends before. I was, as you can imagine, feeling pretty lonely. We had partied until the morning so it happened. We've done this a couple of times now. I'd gotten to know her better since I broke up with my girl. After this I started having more fights with the sister about this and my relationship with her felt strained. I thought I had to tell my ex too since she had known the girl not very well but for a very long time. She seemed ok with it, though a little jealous, but she told me she was glad I was moving on.

 

So a couple of weeks pass, everything seems normal except maybe my ex being a little more verbal towards me and giving me a little more attention (in an ok way, we were still friends), her sister acting a little weird at times, especially when talking about my ex. Then I see this: my ex girl with one of the guys in my collegeband she was 'best' friends with and and who had always had a crush on her. We would even joke about it when we were together. She denied what I saw at first but then realised she couldn't, so she calls me. I was furious for her going all gossip girl on me, manipulating and playing games around me. It almost seemed like she was 'getting back' at me. I said I was tired of her mixed messages and the way she changed, craving attention from every hotter than avarage guy where ever she goes just to deny the fact that she might have made mistake. She could get anyone with those looks but she was now going for this douche. I said I never wanted to see her or speak to her again. And I didn't. I removed her pictures, social media, I skipped the party she organises every year and even ignored her completely ceveral times a few weeks ago while going out with a big group. I got a couple of calls from her sister saying I was overreacting and that I hadn't been 100% correct either, that it sws more than a year since we broke up... But I just didn't want to make an effort for something I thought was even more humiliating and painful than what she'd done. Forgiving her.

 

So now I'm here, a couple of months later. I still feel I did quite a good thing cutting her completely out of my life. I just feel I might have treated her a little harsh. I think I am over her now, but realising more and more I might have, in the heat of the argument and my lingering feelings for her, played it harder than I needed to. Her sister isn't calling me as much too and she said it's sad we can't be the friends we used to be.

 

What do you think about this situation? Should I walk away, continuing as I am or should I try to close this all on good terms. My ex and her sister were two of the most important people in my life since I was 11 years old? Maybe it's important to add her sister is moving axay to another continent in two weeks.

 

If no one is emotionally attached to the old relationship and each feels bad about how it went, tell her. True friends are a rarity in life.

[JamesMay]

Attempted reconciliation fail. She couldn't resist saying it was all my fault.

[mixwell]

So you start hooking up with the "sluttier" friend and everything's cool but she's hanging around with this "douche" guy and you get all jealous and overreact to the situation ? If you wanted an emotional relationship with her you should have stayed with her but since you're no longer a couple why the hell do you care who she's hanging out with ? Sounds like you're not over the relationship and acted like a douche yourself.

[sm1tten]

Sounds like you're not over the relationship and acted like a douche yourself.

Agreed. Move on from the ex at least, as she clearly doesn't miss your "friendship."

[JamesMay]

So you start hooking up with the "sluttier" friend and everything's cool but she's hanging around with this "douche" guy and you get all jealous and overreact to the situation ? If you wanted an emotional relationship with her you should have stayed with her but since you're no longer a couple why the hell do you care who she's hanging out with ? Sounds like you're not over the relationship and acted like a douche yourself.

 

When did I act like a douche? The guy was already all over her when we were together to the point that people were asking me about it. In the weeks after we broke up she was with him at every party with her horny dog behind her, trying to draw attention from me but refusing every attempt to talk about our relationship or the reasons it didn't work out. After my friends and her sister told me they slept together on a party (where ofcourse 'nothing happened') a month after our break-up (I was still seeing this guy on a weekly basis, sharing a bank account with him) I asked her if anything had been going on before or now because it was annoying me and it was starting to affect my relationship with him. I was with her for four years and he was in my band.

 

Secondly: up to three months ago she was still texting me, telling me how she was not ready for a new relationship and how insecure she felt around other guys. Enjoying every bit of attention I gave her, having dinner with me, inviting me in her home, coming kissing in my neck when I was talking to other girls she knew and flirting with other guys on every occasion she could (at least when I was around). Two months before I ****ed the slutty girl, who was not even a friend of hers, I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her and she just burst into tears saying we weren't made for eachother. I tried everything to get this girl back man. When she was starting to play games with me and screwing my chances I really couldn't care less who I was ****ing, especially when I was drunk. I can tell you that, at least from my point, I was just getting laid on a drunk night and forgetting my misery. She just couldnt stand it and did it with the guy who she knew would piss me off most.

 

I sent her a text because I heard via her sister she was having a hard time and feeling guilty. But really, **** her, I don't need her mind tricks anymore. She's always pretending to be this naive innocent girl while she's perfectly aware of everything and just craving for any attention that gives her ego that little bump on her imagined - I'm the most-interesting-popular-and-classy girl on facebook- social ladder. It was the last thing she asked me: if I would tell anyone I saw them together. If she wants to pull her tricks on me that's fine but don't imagine I'll be all reasonable on her when she revenge ****s on me when for a year every ****ing other week I tried to show her how much I cared about her and she just kept me on her string. If you want to call that overreacting, fine. I think she's an insecure and manipulative slut trying to get back at me pretending to be al friendly. She used both me and my band member to cover up her insecurities. He seems pretty ok and trying to friend up with me now. I think he's a douche but he had real feelings for her. That's been clear for everyone, including her sister, even before we we broke up. She's a self-centered bitch. And maybe I'm not completely over her. She's been on and of with me since I was twelve and has cheated on me twice before she pulled this off.

Edited September 15, 2011 by JamesMay

[JamesMay]

Agreed. Move on from the ex at least, as she clearly doesn't miss your "friendship."

 

I agree I should move on. I just texted her because both her sister and the douche I'm still having to work with told me I was being a hard on her, probably because they felt bad. She didn't miss my friendship, she just enjoyed making me jealous.

[carhill]

Chalk it up to the drama of youth and move on. If your parents and her parents still socialize, run-ins are bound to happen in the future. Hope both of you have learned from this and handle them in a healthy way.

 

The past is the past.

[JamesMay]

I know and that's how I was feeling when I texted her a couple of days ago but now I just can't stand the fact she wants to put all of the blame on me. I mean, the fact that both her sister and this guy were telling me she wasn't ok made me feel guilty. I didn't ask her to be friends again. I just told her I didn't hate her and hate was definetly not the reason I felt I had to break off all forms of contact. And she just does the same thing she's been doing for two years now. Pretending like she's the grown up but behaving like a fifteen year old.

Edited September 15, 2011 by JamesMay

[carhill]

That's her path. The people who matter to you and care about you are not swayed by her dramatics. Others? Well, they're others. Own your part of the deal and move on. No one was perfect here. That's a real good lesson to carry forward.

 

One thing to note....you posted a thread on this and wanted to discuss it and work through it. Where's she at? Yep, somewhere else doing something else. She processed this out in her way and, while it's apparently been frustrating for you, your feelings and perspective are likely of little concern to her. That's OK. It's instructive. Learn from it. Good luck

[JamesMay]

You seem like a very wise man. I know I didn't always behave perfectly but I just hate her taking the high moral ground on me when all I was trying to do is tell her I could forgive her for the way she behaved and wanted to feel at peace with her. She sent me three texts in reply. One kind of relieved but gramatically messed up, one five minutes later saying she was working but would text me back later and then one late in the evening blaming me for the way I overreacted and saying it was my choice to never speak or look at her again. She always does that.

 

You're a lot older than me but the reason I texted her is because I was on a hiking trip with my dad, one of his best friends and his son (who is about my age) last week. On the last day (saturday) my dads friend gets a call from the hospital saying his wife was in a coma after attempting suicide. Their neighbour had informed his wife he was cheating on her. I talked with his son all day while my dad and him got away from us for a while and apperantly the son was already aware of the situation. He hated his dad for what he had told him and he felt guilty towards his mother. I was really impressed by the way people, even your age, could **** eachother and even their kids up so badly. I mean, they all cared about eachother, that was very clear, but instead of just getting along and working or talking about their feelings they only thought about their own little truth avoiding every responsibility. And that's what I hate about this whole 'get it over with', 'think about your own feelings', 'go your own way', 'my way or the highway', 'no contact' bullcrap lately. I know it's a strong defense strategy but we live in a time where people are using eachother for the thrill of it and every ****ing politician, businessman, policeman, unemployed, investment banker, (ex-)lover... is trying to invent his own story and excuses for being a selfish and narcist prick. Meanwhile the whole world is exhibiting how great their life is, taking out their smartphone around everything remotely valueable they encounter to brag, instead of enjoying the moment and showing some integrity.

 

The frustrating thing is how all of a sudden you get sucked right in. One of the reasons we broke up is because she watched Gossip Girl and Sex and the City and everytime she talked about it I just laughed at her or on rare occasion showed my disgust. I even asked her once if she really thought that was the way to go and be happy. I am talking about someone with an honours degree at a decent university. I was with her in college for 3 years and in all that time the only thing she read was celebrity gossip and Harry ****ing Potter.

Edited September 15, 2011 by JamesMay