Kageytn Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I was doing so well with my manipulative and controlling ex then I stopped. I set boundaries and walked right over them. I let him walk over them. We are back to texting. He wants to go out as friends. I took money from him. I know I shouldn't do this. I know it's harmful to me- I already feel weak and controlled. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. I just don't know how to stop. He sends emails about missing me. He calls me to chat. He offers money knowing I'm just starting to work again and it's all so familiar. Painful but familiar. I realize I just have to walk away but how long will it take me? My life is coming back together-grad school, subbing, learning new things-but I'm terrified and I hate it. I survived for years after my husband died. I had two small children and went back to school. I was independent and successful and now I'm off the rails-terrified, rejected. Why did I let him do this to me? Why don't I love myself? How do I learn to love and treasure myself? How do I break away from him? In my mind, I feel like I'm not strong enough to do it. Its ridiculous. Like I'm destined to be in this relationship suffering forever. I'm going to therapy. I'm reading. I'm trying hard. Anyone been through this? What helped? This relationship is doomed. I know it but it's a pain I know. Am I trading it in for new pain? If my life is to have painful relationships, shouldn't I just stick to this one? That's just my self loathing talking isn't it? I end up talking to him so I don't have to deal with his emails, his texting, his manipulation. I just have to deal. He starts nice then gets cruel and viscious. I've been trying to head that off by talking to him. I just can't do it. I feel awful. Sorry for being so whiny and ridiculous. I just need a wake up call and some support Ugh! Sorry to just vomit emote on the board and for being whiny.
LuluinAZ Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Honey, this makes me sad... for you. I've been there, my EH was so controlling and mean, but he would suck me into his vortex and I was conditioned to go. I would even call in for the punishment if I didn't hear from him in a while. You are going to have to go cold turkey, no money, no texts, nothing. It will hurt like hot boiling lava, but there is a better life for you. Wonder why those lions keep picking us gazelles? Because we keep being gazelles. It's time to become a lioness. Ever watch guys in a bar? They don't work on the girls who say "Eff off, Buddy, I'm busy"... they find the gazelle and they eat her life right up. Swallow this hurt now or it will last a lot longer as you disconnect and lose big parts of yourself as it goes on and on until he finds a new gazelle. That will hurt even worse. Good luck to you.
LuluinAZ Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I forgot to tell you what worked. Make a list of his shortcomings. A long one. Then make a short list of his Top 5. When you miss him, remember those 5 things. Don't allow yourself to wallow in the good things or in missing him. Put your feet one in front of the other and walk away. You're doing all the right stuff, job, school, etc. I wish I were doing as well with mine, you inspire me. Remember the bad.
Author Kageytn Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 You know, though, not talking to him made me feel pretty good. Powerful and steady. In control. Then, I opened the door I was shutting because change is hard. I missed him. I was scared. I'm positive he has a new gazelle. She doesn't demand anything like I did. In the dark recesses of my mind, I keep thinking I can date him until December. Then I will be emotionally prepared and really busy. I will be ready then and it will be my choice. Not his. It's not going to work, though. Right now, I'm back in his web dancing to his tune.
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