she says she doesn't want to ruin our freinds, and more stuff she saidhip...

[martinv]

edit; title should say "she says she doesn't want to ruin our freindship, and more stuff she said..."

 

This puzzles me.

 

My GF broke up with me, and a lot was said on that day. She said to me this is the right thing to do and that its sad but she doesn't think we can remain a couple without ruining our friendship.

 

We were never friends. I told her I liked her really early on.

 

Instead of seeing the relationship as a whole with ups and downs, she's split the relationship up into two components. Where the good times is when we are freinds and the bad times is when we are the couple

 

 

We haven't had much sex at all since about a year ago. She never told me about the reason why we weren't having sex until break up day which was that she found blood a couple of times after sex. She said she went to STD clinic without telling me and it was clear and she had a cervical smear and that was clear too. but she's been convinced it was cancer the whole time and never told me.

 

she also said that when I met her, she wasn't ready for a relationship. That was three years ago when we got together btw. Apparantly I caught her during a weak moment and normally she wouldn't have done anything. I started courting her about six months after she had split up with her ex who she lived with for a bit.

 

She said when we were breaking up that she wanted us to be super best freinds and we almost got tattoos when I realised this isn't what I want. Who breaks up with someone and wants to get a tattoo with them to remember it by? she said she's keep all my paintings and my necklace and people might think we were werid for getting the tattoos, but she wants to be alone and doesn't want the pressure of a relationship. She doesn't feel 'that' way about me anymore.

 

Is any of this normal?

 

Seems to me I must have been pretty bad for her to stop loving me, so why would she still want to be super best freinds? She even said we could still sleep in the same bed but she doesn't want to be intimate with anyone.

Edited September 10, 2011 by martinv

[KathyM]

edit; title should say "she says she doesn't want to ruin our freindship, and more stuff she said..."

 

This puzzles me.

 

My GF broke up with me, and a lot was said on that day. She said to me this is the right thing to do and that its sad but she doesn't think we can remain a couple without ruining our friendship.

 

We were never friends. I told her I liked her really early on.

 

Instead of seeing the relationship as a whole with ups and downs, she's split the relationship up into two components. Where the good times is when we are freinds and the bad times is when we are the couple

 

 

We haven't had much sex at all since about a year ago. She never told me about the reason why we weren't having sex until break up day which was that she found blood a couple of times after sex. She said she went to STD clinic without telling me and it was clear and she had a cervical smear and that was clear too. but she's been convinced it was cancer the whole time and never told me.

 

she also said that when I met her, she wasn't ready for a relationship. That was three years ago when we got together btw. Apparantly I caught her during a weak moment and normally she wouldn't have done anything. I started courting her about six months after she had split up with her ex who she lived with for a bit.

 

She said when we were breaking up that she wanted us to be super best freinds and we almost got tattoos when I realised this isn't what I want. Who breaks up with someone and wants to get a tattoo with them to remember it by? she said she's keep all my paintings and my necklace and people might think we were werid for getting the tattoos, but she wants to be alone and doesn't want the pressure of a relationship. She doesn't feel 'that' way about me anymore.

 

Is any of this normal?

 

Seems to me I must have been pretty bad for her to stop loving me, so why would she still want to be super best freinds? She even said we could still sleep in the same bed but she doesn't want to be intimate with anyone.

Sounds like she's trying to let you down easy by throwing you a "friendship bone". She wants to break up, and she's using the excuse that she values your friendship, and that is why she has to break up with you. She's saying that to spare your feelings so you won't take the break up so hard, and to make herself feel less guilty for ending it. That would be my take on this.

[martinv]

could be.

 

it was weird. I went to leave. she ran after my crying, she ran after me crying and saying she doesn't want to never see me again, do you think maybe she is for real about wanting to be freinds? I can't tell. At first she said it'd be like it was now but no intimacy, then later she said about day trips and seeing each other once a month and I was having alarm bells that its a fake freind request

[KathyM]

could be.

 

it was weird. I went to leave. she ran after my crying, she ran after me crying and saying she doesn't want to never see me again, do you think maybe she is for real about wanting to be freinds? I can't tell. At first she said it'd be like it was now but no intimacy, then later she said about day trips and seeing each other once a month and I was having alarm bells that its a fake freind request

It's hard to let someone go completely out of your life after they have been a big part of it, unless there is some major trauma to the relationship that facilitated the break up. It's hard for people to imagine never seeing that person again. She has mixed feelings. Part of her realizes the relationship is not working and she wants to move on. The other part doesn't want to lose you from her life completely. Maybe she does want to keep you as just a friend. I don't think it works to do that if one of the parties wants more than a friendship.

[martinv]

there's no coming back from that is there, when you are only loved as a freind and nothing more anymore, that's not something that can be reversed or you can change your mind about or be mistaken about later is it?

[KathyM]

there's no coming back from that is there, when you are only loved as a freind and nothing more anymore, that's not something that can be reversed or you can change your mind about or be mistaken about later is it?

It's awfully hard to remain just friends after you've been so much more than that, if you still have romantic feelings for the person. Most people find that they can't be just friends after being in a romance with the person. It becomes too painful to see them on a limited basis like that, and especially to see them date others. I guess, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to be strung along like that. As if I'm not good enough to date, but still being expected to provide friendship. Although it's possible the dumper will realize they were wrong to break up with you and want you back, I wouldn't wait around for it. I'd suggest moving on with your life and establishing new contacts and relationships with others, and let her know it's too painful to be on just a friendship level with her. She may realize later that she made a mistake in breaking up with you, but she may not. Don't wait around or put your life on hold hoping that she'll change her mind. Don't allow yourself to be demoted to friendship status. It's demoralizing.

[martinv]

thanks thats good advice

 

I definitely won't be freinds

 

I changed my mind so much. first I said yeah, thinking I'd have a chance to win her back. Then I was like, why should you get your cake and eat it? Then later I was was like, I don't want to lose you completely either but then I told her I just can't be friends because I'd still want to snuggle and be intimate. Then I thought, huh, what if she throws all my stuff out if I say I don't want to be friends flat out, and forgets me? so I said, I don't know but I won't be hasty and that I need some time.

 

I think we could be amazing friends, I think she is right on that. But I need to be fully over her and with someone else before that can happen. Because I don't want to see her with someone else, nor only see her one day at a time or to see her and revert back to how I was three days ago when I collapsed at work because I hadn't ate or slept for so long

 

I've already told her all that crap about how I loved her since I saw her, that I'm never remotely interested in checking out other women (true) and that I won't get over her. I thought the problem was that I showed a lack of interest sometimes so if she is doing it because of that then playing it cool wouldn't work would it because it would prove her right but you can't look like you care too much because then its being needy :S

 

when she said relationship is too much pressure, be friends. Then i was saying, well, why not jsut keep things how they are but lets just call it friends to help us deal with it mentally which is prob bad cos it might seem like I just care about the sex

 

i dunnos! All I know is, I missed warning signs that should have sent alarm bells ringing, a couple of times she's said she doesn't know who I am anymore. But I'm exactly the same I thought, she is just being overdramatic.

Edited September 10, 2011 by martinv