Ex wants to get back together but set condition for me being over what happened

[Ellie1980]

My ex and I have been talking again. He says he would like to come back, but he feels he did a lot of "bad" things and is afraid I won't forgive him or get over what he did. He deeply regrets what he has done. He is asking that I stop reacting to what happened in the past, forgive him, and let the old pain go. He says that only then can we validly have a second chance together.

 

He and I have mostly talked in a very shallow level about the events that led to our breakup. He knows I was hurt very badly by his actions. He doesn't want to talk in depth about what happened, he wants to put it in the past. He doesn't want to discuss how I was effected, he believes he already understands. He just wants a period of calm and peace, to see us recover and heal, and then after we are, we have a chance to try again.

 

It has been over a year since the breakup. It took most of that time for me to really begin to come to terms. I love him every step of the way, even when he was awful, but I was also very hurt and angry. Also every few months, more of what he had done would come to light and it would hurt me some more and if he came near me, I would lash out at him because I was so hurt and angry.

 

A couple of months ago, I resigned myself to the understanding that whatever he did, there were extenuating circumstances ( there really are) and I asked myself if he had done what he did due to circumstances or character.

 

I feel he did it due to circumstances, fear, and being inexperienced/naive.

 

Since then, he has hovered around, wanting to have access to me, but says he is afraid too much was done and said for us to get back to where we were before it got so crazy. I still love him, I feel for him in his difficult situation with his ex wife. I have no inclination at this point to beat him up or make him "pay", but I have concerns.

 

First, I CAN forgive him, except I have some emotional problems from what happened. They are this: sometimes when I become afraid, I get upset. He doesn't like this. He gets scared I am going to attack him, even if I don't, so he withdraws and "hides". He wants it all to heal to the point that he doesn't see me upset, he doesn't feel blamed because I am upset, and he doesn't have to be afraid he is going to get slapped around.

 

His ex wife is an expert on doing these things. I myself was very calm and patient until AFTER he left and I began to find out things. His ex, even after he and I broke up, was stalking me and telling me things, some of which turned out to be true.

 

Sorry to write a book. I already understand that if I go back into this, his ex is always going to be there. I know what she is. I have learned to ignore her entirely, which works pretty well. My ex is fully aware now of how psycho his ex wife can be and I totally believe he will handle things differently if we are together again.

 

My main question for right now is this: should I pressure him for an actual discussion about what happened in the past. We have never really just sat down and had that discussion. His thoughts and my thoughts have come out of little "mini" discussions we have had of 1 to 2 minutes where things are discussed in 3-4 sentences, then dropped because he sees I am sad and hurt.

I myself am not sure such a discussion would actually be productive. I think he sees it as he will be told his long lists of sins and then attacked for them.

 

I have tried to talk to him, but he avoids the discussions. He used to be able to discuss, prior to all the crazy in the last couple of years. We worked things out fine and were both happy back then.

 

I hope some of this makes sense. Please give me some thoughts.

[Kageytn]

Not that I should give advice but...he is setting an unfair condition. He has to learn to deal with your emotions not tell you not to have them.

 

You can't start a new future until the reasons for the break up are discussed and resolved. Otherwise, those issues will just pop up in other ways and be destructive.

 

There is no such thing as a clean, fresh start unless the past is discussed and put to sleep.

[LuluinAZ]

I'm so sad that we all have to go through all of this stuff... she hurt him and now he hurts you... and I see pieces of myself in him, even though I'm a her.... he's really wounded and has to deal with all the emotional stuff from his ex who sounds like she isn't going anywhere, and is still dishing out the crap to him.

 

Because of that, he doesn't want any other crap. He loves you and wants to be with you and enjoys your company, but he's all out of relationship "juice". He may never have it, it may be all sucked out of him by his crazy ex wife.

 

I run away from stuff too, have had counseling and just cannot be yelled at or be around anything more than a drama level 2 out of 10. It feels physically painful to me. Does this mean I'll be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe, or maybe I'll just have serial short relationships or maybe I'll find someone who meshes with me more.

 

I don't think he wants to discuss his shortcomings, he is probably worn out from hearing them from the crazy ex wife. I am sure you are completely valid and you have your own emotions and needs so you will just have to decide if things this way work for you. If they don't, you will have to decide if you can live with things this way.

[Ellie1980]

I wanted heard. If he had been willing to discuss things last October, 4 months after we broke up and finally had a calm between us, we likely could have worked things out to some degree.

 

That being said, we had another shot in January, then one in June. Both ended up with us not being able to talk. Then August comes around and he said to me would I please try and let the past go so we could calm and heal and have peace. I told him I needed time still to process ( heal, whatever) but I thought it was possible.

 

Then this last week he said this about not reacting to the past.

 

I think Lulu is right. He is out of juice. He runs away and admits to high anxiety.

 

Maybe it is just a matter of a long period of calm and rebuilding trust before we can talk.

[Ellie1980]

btw, Lulu I have seen your feelings in action so many times. *hugs

I love this guy, and I understand, it's been hard to get over being in such pain and scared myself.

 

Almost all of the problems were with his ex. We were naive, I guess and I didn't have expectation of being so viciously attacked for so long. I know what to expect from there now. Forewarned, forarmed.

 

Thanks to both of you for your reponses.

[LuluinAZ]

**hugs to you too Ellie***

 

I say that a lot too... that I just want peace and harmony... my home is a SANCTUARY for that, and I cannot let anyone in here who will disturb that.. it's the only way I can go on living.

 

I know that's not understandable to most folks, that's ok, it's ok to protect myself. I had a gentle, sweet lover who I threw away because I was scared...now he's gone and with someone else. I lost my dignity this week begging and promising to be a better partner and that I would marry him so he could be sure I would never run away from him again... he said he's happy in his new relationship, have a nice day.

 

Your man is speaking greek and you are speaking swedish or some such analogy. You are trying to fix things with confrontation, when he has had too many of them to make them seem worthwhile. Maybe if you tried a gentle approach and show him what he will be missing if he does not have you, things would take on a different light. That would work for me. Hope this helps. ***more hugs**** lulu

[flitzanu]

or, he's trying to be rational and saying "we can't keep fighting about the past, we need to start fresh without holding grudges."