Lying about age, is it always bad?

[aj22one]

Despite my advice to not do online dating, a pal of mine decided to have a try at it a while back. At first he had zero success (told him so) didn't go on a single date, or even get a reply to any of his messages. My advice to him was to quit the online thing and start approaching women in real life. Instead, he changed his age: he added four years.

 

Now to give context, this guy has always looked older, always carried himself in a much more mature manner than the rest of us in our social circle. I remember meeting him as a freshman in high school and thinking he was a senior who got held back a year. And the odd thing is he doesn't smoke or drink, he works out and eats right, all stuff that's supposed to make you look younger. Maybe he's got a mild case of "Jack" going on, I don't know.

 

Anyway, he said as soon as he started a new account with his age marked as 28 instead of 24 he suddenly got a flood of interest from women on the dating site he was on. He went on several dates and has now found one girl that he really likes.

 

Problem is, she's 27 and thinks he's 28. He's now found himself in a bit of a pickle: continue the lie or go back to the truth and getting no interest? My advice of course still stands as get off the dating sites and into the real world, tell the girl he's seeing the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Of course that's easy for me to say since I'm not the one dating her. Still though, I'm curious what's everyone's stance on lying to make yourself look older?

Edited September 10, 2011 by aj22one

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, an admission of being a few years younger (assuming it doesn't put him really under age) might not be as damning as a few year older based upon what kind of bond he has established with her and her feelings about him. It may not be a deal-breaker if he really acts the part and looks it. But of course the jury is in that it does create the "pickle". If he met here IRL and they clicked and he never told her his age and she assumed it to be the years elder, she might actually like that he's younger than she thought. But now there's the cred issue. Ugh.

[somedude81]

How old are the women he is messaging?

[KathyM]

Despite my advice to not do online dating, a pal of mine decided to have a try at it a while back. At first he had zero success (told him so) didn't go on a single date, or even get a reply to any of his messages. My advice to him was to quit the online thing and start approaching women in real life. Instead, he changed his age: he added four years.

 

Now to give context, this guy has always looked older, always carried himself in a much more mature manner than the rest of us in our social circle. I remember meeting him as a freshman in high school and thinking he was a senior who got held back a year. And the odd thing is he doesn't smoke or drink, he works out and eats right, all stuff that's supposed to make you look younger. Maybe he's got a mild case of "Jack" going on, I don't know.

 

Anyway, he said as soon as he started a new account with his age marked as 28 instead of 24 he suddenly got a flood of interest from women on the dating site he was on. He went on several dates and has now found one girl that he really likes.

 

Problem is, she's 27 and thinks he's 28. He's now found himself in a bit of a pickle: continue the lie or go back to the truth and getting no interest? My advice of course still stands as get off the dating sites and into the real world, tell the girl he's seeing the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Of course that's easy for me to say since I'm not the one dating her. Still though, I'm curious what's everyone's stance on lying to make yourself look older?

Lying about your age on a dating website is never a good idea, because eventually, the truth will come out, and then you will be dumped for your dishonesty. It only wastes both people's time, and starts off the relationship in a lie. As soon as the other person finds out the truth, they will dump the liar. Then all the time and effort put into that relationship will be for naught.

[aj22one]

How old are the women he is messaging?

 

He said the youngest he ever messaged was 19 and the oldest was 26. The 27 year old girl messaged him first, as have several late 20s women.

[Casablanca]

Lying about one's age is bad

[aj22one]

Lying about your age on a dating website is never a good idea, because eventually, the truth will come out, and then you will be dumped for your dishonesty. It only wastes both people's time, and starts off the relationship in a lie. As soon as the other person finds out the truth, they will dump the liar. Then all the time and effort put into that relationship will be for naught.

 

Well, I started this thread because I was curious about why people were upset when people lie about their age. The vast majority lie to make themselves younger, so I wondered if it was the lie, or the content of the lie that mattered more.

 

This is a major reason why I suggested that he meet women in real life. Had he met her offline and never volunteered his age (and she didn't ask) it's likely she would have thought he was 28 or older anyway and this whole thing would be a moot point. Anyway, thanks for your answer.

[country_gurl]

Well the reason I think it's wrong to lie about one's age in their dating profile is...............because it's a LIE. Lying is wrong. Falsely representing oneself as something they're not (whether it's age, height, body size, employment status, marital status, etc) is dishonest and when busted for it leads the person who's been lied to, to seriously question "what else did they lie about?" and once trust is blown, it's blown.

 

I know on the dating site I'm on, men frequently claim to be younger than they are (it's SOOOO obvious from their pics) and many times they'll include a little disclaimer in their profile advising that they're actually older than their stated age but they put a younger age because they "feel young" and want to be included in the searches done by younger women. A lie is still a lie.

[aj22one]

Well the reason I think it's wrong to lie about one's age in their dating profile is...............because it's a LIE. Lying is wrong. Falsely representing oneself as something they're not (whether it's age, height, body size, employment status, marital status, etc) is dishonest and when busted for it leads the person who's been lied to, to seriously question "what else did they lie about?" and once trust is blown, it's blown.

 

I know on the dating site I'm on, men frequently claim to be younger than they are (it's SOOOO obvious from their pics) and many times they'll include a little disclaimer in their profile advising that they're actually older than their stated age but they put a younger age because they "feel young" and want to be included in the searches done by younger women. A lie is still a lie.

 

Interesting. I agree that a lie is a lie, although I do know my friend and he's a good guy he just wanted to find some dates and clearly women his own age weren't all that interested. I have to wonder though if perhaps maybe when he listed his age as 24 women simply thought he was lying to make himself younger and thus avoided him and now that he's listed as older it sounds more reasonable.

 

Perhaps it would be better to simply leave ages off completely on these sites, unless people voluntarily mention it in their profiles. Or would you agree with me that if you look older than you really are, then perhaps you should stay away from dating sites?

[KathyM]

Well, I started this thread because I was curious about why people were upset when people lie about their age. The vast majority lie to make themselves younger, so I wondered if it was the lie, or the content of the lie that mattered more.

 

This is a major reason why I suggested that he meet women in real life. Had he met her offline and never volunteered his age (and she didn't ask) it's likely she would have thought he was 28 or older anyway and this whole thing would be a moot point. Anyway, thanks for your answer.

I think the lie itself is what screws up the relationship from the start, because it shows that the liar is dishonest, manipulative, and selfish. Not a good image to put forth with someone you are trying to develop a relationship with. Of course, the age difference would also be a factor when the truth comes out. Meeting people online is fine, but people should always be honest about themselves from the start. I know my sister, who has a profile on POF, hates it when men lie about their age, and then when they admit their age after meeting her, she feels like she's been duped, and that her time has been wasted. The topic of age usually comes up pretty quickly after meeting someone.

[aj22one]

I think the lie itself is what screws up the relationship from the start, because it shows that the liar is dishonest, manipulative, and selfish. Not a good image to put forth with someone you are trying to develop a relationship with. Of course, the age difference would also be a factor when the truth comes out. Meeting people online is fine, but people should always be honest about themselves from the start. I know my sister, who has a profile on POF, hates it when men lie about their age, and then when they admit their age after meeting her, she feels like she's been duped, and that her time has been wasted. The topic of age usually comes up pretty quickly after meeting someone.

 

Granted. But again, I'd imagine a 30 year old woman for instance wouldn't be interested in a 55 year old man. So the man would lie to get the girl to think he was younger. A guy in his mid twenties who lies to make himself more appealing to women slightly older than himself (in this case just 3 years older) would be much less egregious. In content of course, the lie is still a lie and presents a trust issue, like you said. So I agree with you, I'm just pointing out the slight differences between those who lie to make themselves younger and those who lie to make themselves older.

 

The problem with him is that he was honest and got no bites. He becomes dishonest and gets plenty of bites. So what does that say? He legitimately looks like he's 30+. I highly suspect that online dating will not work for him as long as he's truthful.

[aj22one]

Of course he found himself in a pickle. He had to conjure up a lie to get dates.

 

He doesn't sound that mature to me.

 

Eh. You don't know him as well as I do. A guy who hasn't dated by 24, tries and then fails is likely to go to some lengths to find success so I don't fault him 100%. I do think though that relying on dating sites was a very poor idea.

 

And I would agree with you to one extent though: when it comes to dating he's very much like a 12 year old boy.

[country_gurl]

I think the lie itself is what screws up the relationship from the start, because it shows that the liar is dishonest, manipulative, and selfish. Not a good image to put forth with someone you are trying to develop a relationship with. Of course, the age difference would also be a factor when the truth comes out. Meeting people online is fine, but people should always be honest about themselves from the start. I know my sister, who has a profile on POF, hates it when men lie about their age, and then when they admit their age after meeting her, she feels like she's been duped, and that her time has been wasted. The topic of age usually comes up pretty quickly after meeting someone.

 

I agree.

 

I think it's selfish and insulting to misrepresent oneself for their own selfish reasons such that I am not presented with all of the true facts such that I can make an informed decision about whether I want to continue getting to know the person because when the info has been falsified, I'm then basing my decision to proceed on false info.

 

I offer this as an extreme example. I once met a guy on POF who listed his marital status as 'single' and indicate he did not have children. We ended up meeting and becoming exclusive. After 2 months of dating exclusively, then he dropped the bomb.

 

1. Although he'd never been married, he'd been in a 5 year common-law relationship that hadn't actually ended 9 months prior; it had ended 2 weeks before he contacted me on the site (clearly on the rebound). He had lead me to believe that his ex had moved back to her home province many months prior and that their decision to break up was amicable and that he'd dealt with the emotional baggage of that relationship ending.

 

2. No, he technically didn't have any children but in actuality, his ex above was due to give BIRTH to their child in a month.

 

I was floored and gutted when I learned the truth. I would have never ever gotten involved with someone who had recently come out of a long-term common-law relationship (no different than a marriage) and I sure as hell would not have even agreed to go on a first date with him had I known that his ex was pregnant with their child and he clearly had a LOT of unfinished matters to deal with. Duh.

[dasein]

Any lying about anything in early dating is wrong and a very bad idea.

 

Using OLD to try to learn how to date is a bad idea. Learn to date IRL, then move to OLD later. OLD is not a bandaid for issues one has with dating generally.

[KathyM]

Granted. But again, I'd imagine a 30 year old woman for instance wouldn't be interested in a 55 year old man. So the man would lie to get the girl to think he was younger. A guy in his mid twenties who lies to make himself more appealing to women slightly older than himself (in this case just 3 years older) would be much less egregious. In content of course, the lie is still a lie and presents a trust issue, like you said. So I agree with you, I'm just pointing out the slight differences between those who lie to make themselves younger and those who lie to make themselves older.

 

The problem with him is that he was honest and got no bites. He becomes dishonest and gets plenty of bites. So what does that say? He legitimately looks like he's 30+. I highly suspect that online dating will not work for him as long as he's truthful.

It's still misrepresenting themselves, whether to appear older or younger, is dishonest, and prevents the other person from making a choice on who to date based on the truth. A lot of 27 year old women would not consider dating a 24 year old man. They would consider him to be too imature. But chances are those women will be upset when they find out the truth, moreso because he lied than because of the age difference. I think he's wasting his time and the time of the women he is dating. I would suggest he be honest about his age, and still try to contact the older women, and maybe some of them will decide to give it a try if he looks much older than he is. At least then it will be their choice to give him a chance, rather than being deceived and manipulated, which will doom the relationship as soon as the woman finds they have been lied to.

[KathyM]

Well the reason I think it's wrong to lie about one's age in their dating profile is...............because it's a LIE. Lying is wrong. Falsely representing oneself as something they're not (whether it's age, height, body size, employment status, marital status, etc) is dishonest and when busted for it leads the person who's been lied to, to seriously question "what else did they lie about?" and once trust is blown, it's blown.

 

I know on the dating site I'm on, men frequently claim to be younger than they are (it's SOOOO obvious from their pics) and many times they'll include a little disclaimer in their profile advising that they're actually older than their stated age but they put a younger age because they "feel young" and want to be included in the searches done by younger women. A lie is still a lie.

Yup, it's a waste of both party's time. My sister gets approached by men on POF all the time who claim to be younger, but then when she agrees to go on a date with them and they then feel they have to come clean about their age on the date, claiming that age is just a number, or they feel much younger than they are, or they are not attracted to women their own age, or whatever, she feels duped, because she would not have agreed to go out with them in the first place if she had known the truth. Or people who claim they have an athletic build, or are taller than what they actually are. She agrees to a first date, only to find out that they have quite a few extra lbs, or the guy that claims to be taller than he is, and she finds out he's a few inches shorter than she is. Sometimes, they put old pictures on their profile, or pictures that hide their girth. They somehow think that when she meets them in person, somehow those things won't matter at all. After spending time getting all dressed up, styling her hair, applying makeup, and driving to the meeting place, to find out the guy misrepresented himself really frustrates her and is just a waste of both of their time. He will never get a second date, since he misrepresented himself, and she will feel angry that he wasted her time, and that he lied in the process.

[aj22one]

It's still misrepresenting themselves, whether to appear older or younger, is dishonest, and prevents the other person from making a choice on who to date based on the truth. A lot of 27 year old women would not consider dating a 24 year old man. They would consider him to be too imature. But chances are those women will be upset when they find out the truth, moreso because he lied than because of the age difference. I think he's wasting his time and the time of the women he is dating. I would suggest he be honest about his age, and still try to contact the older women, and maybe some of them will decide to give it a try if he looks much older than he is. At least then it will be their choice to give him a chance, rather than being deceived and manipulated, which will doom the relationship as soon as the woman finds they have been lied to.

 

She contacted him first. When he began to lie about his age, he still contacted women his own age as he would prefer to date women his own age. Interesting enough when he listed his real age of 24 these women wouldn't give him the time of day. When he was 28, voila! Suddenly they're interested. Again, I agree that lying is dishonest and wrong. I'm merely giving context to it. And again, my advice was against this in the first place.

 

I talked to him about it via text a little while ago. He flat out told me that if he continues to do online dating he will continue to lie about his age because that's the only way he'll have success. What do I tell him, that it's better to be dateless and lonely than deceitful and successful?

[KathyM]

She contacted him first. When he began to lie about his age, he still contacted women his own age as he would prefer to date women his own age. Interesting enough when he listed his real age of 24 these women wouldn't give him the time of day. When he was 28, voila! Suddenly they're interested. Again, I agree that lying is dishonest and wrong. I'm merely giving context to it. And again, my advice was against this in the first place.

 

I talked to him about it via text a little while ago. He flat out told me that if he continues to do online dating he will continue to lie about his age because that's the only way he'll have success. What do I tell him, that it's better to be dateless and lonely than deceitful and successful?

True, she contacted him first. But he lied on his profile about his age, so he is misrepresenting himself from the start. Chances are, he will be wasting his time with this strategy, and the time of his dates, if his goal is to have a relationship with someone. Eventually, the truth will come out, and that will be a dealbreaker because he lied. Seriously, people don't like to be lied to. It's a bad start for a relationship, and will most likely kill any chance he has with the person once they find out the truth. It's not fair to the other party. If someone is open to dating a guy that is a few years younger at that age, then he may have a chance with them if he tells them the truth about his age on his profile, and contacts the older women. He should try that. Using his real age, but contacting the older 20 somethings. At least then the relationship has a chance of progressing. I assume he actually wants a relationship and not just a bunch of first dates. Some women would be OK with a man who is a little bit younger. My neice (in her 20s) married a guy a few years younger than her. But no one wants to be lied to. The lying would be a deal breaker for a lot of people, because it is a sign of bad character, and dishonest.

[AHardDaysNight]

Lying about your age can only lead to bad things.

[Queen Zenobia]

Lying about your age can only lead to bad things.

 

I actually don't think this is AS bad as people on this thread are making it out to be. Yes, lying is bad. But unless the OP's friend is still living at home or in college, or working a minimum wage job he's going to be virtually indistinguishable from a "real" 28 year old. I mean really, what's the difference? What do you really learn in the four years between 24 and 28 that makes one suddenly older and wiser or more mature? I highly doubt the girl he's seeing would even care.

 

What this situation reminds me of is the "McCormick and Jo Jo" episode of The King of Queens. Perhaps the OP's friend should say to the girl "you didn't just save my life brown eyes, you made my life worth saving". And then give a big smile

[KathyM]

I actually don't think this is AS bad as people on this thread are making it out to be. Yes, lying is bad. But unless the OP's friend is still living at home or in college, or working a minimum wage job he's going to be virtually indistinguishable from a "real" 28 year old. I mean really, what's the difference? What do you really learn in the four years between 24 and 28 that makes one suddenly older and wiser or more mature? I highly doubt the girl he's seeing would even care.

 

What this situation reminds me of is the "McCormick and Jo Jo" episode of The King of Queens. Perhaps the OP's friend should say to the girl "you didn't just save my life brown eyes, you made my life worth saving". And then give a big smile

It's the lying and the misrepresenting that is the big issue, moreso than the age itself. Although, a lot of women in their late 20s would not be interested in dating a guy that is a few years younger than them. I do think there is a big difference between 28 and 24. Women tend to be more mature in their thinking at that age. They are often ready to settle down. They've seen the single life, and are ready for the next stage in their life. Most 24 year old men are not very mature.

[FitChick]

Age is only relevant to make sure someone is old enough to legally drink and have sex. Maturity and age are mutually exclusive.

 

On the other end of the age scale, age is only relevant if you are looking for a breeding female. A woman who is 45 saying she is 35 wouldn't be a good idea, even if she looked 35. if a man wanted kids. Otherwise, if you lie and say you are younger, look like your age. Many people over 40 look older because of their poor lifestyle choices so even if they tell the truth, I assume they are lying!

[green_tea]

Lying about anything is bad, and especially lying about your age. To me this means the person could lie about anything. They are not trustworthy.

 

I was ready to end things with a guy who I thought lied about adding just a year to his age recently. It turned out he wasn't lying, but if he had been that was it for me.

[rafallus]

I agree with some here. It wasn't a terribly bad lie, just a bit of pointless one. You don't really win anything with this one, just risk losing trust, if you get exposed.

[Cee]

I have a different view than other posters here. I have come to the conclusion that it can be fine to lie about your age on a dating website. But, come clean on the first date.

 

I was in contact with a 39-year old on a dating site. We met in person for a first date. In the middle of dinner, he said his profile had one lie in it and told me his real age... 46. He explained that he is very fit and active and felt he was being unfairly judged by this number. By the way, in his profile, he said that there was one thing he wrote that wasn't true and he would be honest in person. I had no idea what that sentence meant and forgot about it.

 

He was smart to lie. This man was an athlete and all muscle and could pass for 34. And he didn't lead any women on. Right in his profile, he said he has no children and never wants them. No harm, no foul.

 

As for the OP, he's using the lie to attract women who want to date a slightly older man. He's using the convention that women want to date a bit older to catch women his age. I suggest he go on dates and come clean. These women will then weigh the man in front of them vs. a lie in a profile.