sbradford2 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 My kids father is constantly in and out of their lives. The only time that he has anything at all to do with them is when we are together as a couple. But whenever we split up he drops out of the picture and the kids never see or hear from him. Just last week I got up the nerve to call him to open the line of communication again and to be mature about the situation. I told him that he can spend time with his kids every week and to just pick a day and time to do so. He responded by saying "ok, I'll let you know". Since then I have not heard anything from him. I do not want to feel like I am keeping the kids away from him but I don't feel comfortable waiting on him to "want" to spend time with them. I know that I can't make him want to be around his children. I have no idea when he is going to finally call. It could be a week, month or year from now. But when he does, do I just jump at the fact that he "finally" wants to spend time with the kids? Or is it ok to ignore him? Because I don't feel that it is right for him to be ready when "he" is ready. How should I respond to him whenever he does call and ask to see them. He does not live far at all so I know thats not an excuse. And the only thing that he does over the weekends is sit around while smoking and drinking. When is it ever ok to not deal with him?
turnera Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 The most important thing here right now is STABILITY. For your KIDS. You have to set up rigid visiting times, just like a lawyer would if you would (should) get one, and inform him what those times are. If he doesn't show up, he doesn't show up. It's time to wean your kids off of any hope of seeing him so that, if he DOES show up, it's an added bonus. This is your life. You have to accept it and adapt to it. BE THE ADULT and do what's right for your kids.
Seaofclouds Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Do you have court ordered visitation? If not, get it and then stick to it. If he calls to try to see the children outside of the court ordered visitation, tell him he's out of luck and needs to come on his time. Then he can't go to court and say you are keeping his children from him since he would be the one not showing up for his scheduled visitation time.
sadintexas Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Sorry this is going to be a little long, but I want to share my experience with you. My exH and I have a DD together. We separated when she was 14 months old with the D being final a year later. He has always maintained sporadic contact. I, thinking I was doing the right thing for our DD, let him see her whenever he wanted to. At one point he lived only 4 miles from us and was unemployed for some of that time and he would still get her maybe once a month. After he got a job and relocated, I even went as far as letting him stay in the guest room and drive my car when he came to visit her. This went on for almost two years. Why? Because he was too cheap to spend money on a hotel room or rent a car and I thought supporting a relationship with her dad was the best thing for her. He was involved enough to come play with her, take her somewhere fun and then be gone for a month or more. She thought he hung the moon. A couple of years ago, she started having separation anxiety. She'd have nightmares and wet the bed after he left from a visit. She was 5-6 when this started. I sought professional help and one of the problems was that he had no contact whatsoever between visits. The counselor said he should call her at least once or twice a week for five minutes to reassure her that he was still out there, thinking about her, and would be back. He did this for a week or two about a year and a half ago and then stopped. So I had to enact the other suggestion the counselor made which was to not allow him to stay in our home anymore. There were several reasons behind this that made sense so that's what I did. He had a couple more visits with her where he drove in for the day. After that he moved across the country without even saying good bye to her. She hasn't seen him in almost a year. The two times they've talked on the phone was when she asked to call him. He recently informed me that he can't be a father to her anymore, can't afford child support (not like he was paying anyway) and wants to terminate his parental rights. He doesn't plan on ever seeing her again. I've had her in counseling since he broke this news about a month or so ago. She doesn't know the full scoop yet as we're trying to work into this. I'm not beating myself up over this because I did what I thought was right. I put my child's interests ahead of my own and welcomed him as a part of HER family because I love HER. I just didn't know that my encouragement would end up hurting her more in the long run. If I had not let him use my home, my car, and have access to her whenever he wanted, it's very likely that he would have exited much sooner. He may have exited well before it hurt her like it's hurting her now. She's just feeling his absence right now. She doesn't know yet that it's permanent. She's almost 8 years old now and very well aware of what rejection feels like and that breaks my heart in more ways that I can begin to express. My point in sharing all of this is, you want to do what's right for your children. You have to thoroughly examine every aspect of that because there are hidden detriments that you might not think of, such as in my case. My personal belief, based on my experiences, is that you have to let him take care of his own stuff. Get a visitation schedule and stick to it. Not that there can't be some flexibility, but if it's one sided, don't go that extra mile to try to make it happen. If someone wants to be a parent, barring any unusual restraints, they will be there. They will use the time they have. It won't be like what you're experiencing now. It won't be like what my daughter's father has done. You can't MAKE him be a dad, but you can make him responsible for his own actions. Edited October 19, 2011 by sadintexas
kimmi Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I have a story for you that is still happening 20 years later. Ihave a daughter that is special needs so she does not do the "normal" things that most 20 year olds would be doing. Her father has had a hard time with this from day 1 excepting that his daughter will be like this. He does love her and cares for her and always has but to be a father he never could be one. She would be waiting by the door for him to pick her up when she was younger only for no shows, he would promise her things that never came, as much as he wanted to do all of these things he was not able to commit to her. Well just last night he promised her a Wii night, she waited until 11:30 and said oh well I guess it is true he does not love me. She has been going through this for 20 years with him. I had cut this out when she was younger (the visits) did the court thing and all, he failed at it all. It is taking everything that I am right now to not go to his place (lives only a few blocks away) and let him know what this has done to her again, She really believed that he would be here last night with her and when he did not show up it crushed her. I would say do not put up with it, Go to court get him his visit's and be done with it, if he does not show up then right it all down and let the courts know that he is not being there and they will terminate the visit's. I would hate for any child to have to feel that a parent does not love them like my daughter has. My daughter is very mad, she is hurt, she does not understand what is happening at all. I always tell her to let it go and move on to different things. But this is her father and this is something that she will feel for her life. Please do not do what I did, I did everything I could just to get him to see her. That was my biggest mistake there because it was not a forever thing that I could do these things. (give him money). In a month I would give him anywhere from 1000.00 to 1500.00. I can't now so he will not show up now.
Eve Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 With me, it was either he was in or out. 'In' being that he would be an active Dad and provide financially as best as he could. He played around with being 'out' (I think to prove a point that I had to be in the picture) and quickly got locked out, for good. He has been seeing my youngest for about a year now after a 14 year or so gap and is still the same as when I left him. My eldest doesn't even acknowledge him now. I have no regrets about my stance. Our life has been better without him. My children have had a stable male role model in my Husband and that's all that matters. I couldn't waste my time trying to incorporate someone into my childrens lives who cannot make a committment to their own flesh and blood.. p'sssshhh.. as if. I marked it up as being a foolish choice on my part and raised my children myself. Be careful OP. This man is really just another child to monitor by the sounds of things. It happens to the best of us. Set your boundary. Give him opportunity but if he does not play ball, **** him off for good and have a great life. Take care, Eve x
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