luvstarved Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Getting right to the point, what makes me nuts is how my husband feels perfectly free and comfortable to question my every move, but at the least inquiry into his doings, he takes offense and acts like he is being "ball and chained". For example... He happens to call me at work just when I am in the bathroom. I call him back 2-3 minutes later, and get "where were you????" He is on the road often for his work, and if he calls me and I ask "what town are you in?", the response is, "I'm working, why are you asking me all these questions????" I ask him to run to the store for 3-4 items. He is gone an hour. I don't even ask, WTF? I go to the store, come back 45 minutes later with $250 dollars worth of groceries, and get " what took you so long?" I accept a friend invitation from a cousin and he is like, "who the hell is XXXXX?" He proactively friends cute women from his high school and if i ask who they are, he says "your mind is in the gutter!!!!!" (FTR, I do not usually ask at all, but after a point, when he is grilling me aover freakin' COUSINS and taking offense at "being grilled", I'm like, really????) Is this a case of "I accuse you of what I am doing" or what? All of my doings are well documented and easily explained by facts. He has this loosey-goosey hard-to-trace existence within which he could pretty much be doing anything, and I don't generally bother asking him to detail it. But I get severely irritated when he grills me about my every move, while at the same time acting like a beleaguered husband if I ask him AnYTHING about his day... What do you think? I am not asking, is he having an affair, or any of that. I am asking, what makes a person think that they have the right to micromanage someone's moves while at the same time feeling "straitjacketed" when theirs are even superficially questioned?
2sunny Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 my ex husband did a lot of that when he was cheating.
visualbasicide Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I would be concerned myself, was it always this way? Just seems like too much defensiveness over things the rest of us might find trivial. I am not saying anything one way or another but it does sound suspicious. People that typically exhibit this type of behavior generally are projecting their emotions on to the other person, which is questionable at best.
Tayla Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I concur with VisiB, Makes sense that someone is projecting in this relationship. That aside can you find away to turn this 20 questions into a perspective that he is concerned and cares about your day? Or is it more an interrogation? Sometimes a simple question of "where were you?" is one of concern and not so much being nosy.... I read a book once on relationships and one of the stories was "Does she have to crunch the oatmeal". Basically it talks about ALL the nitpicking that someone does in a relationship , so when it comes to someone basically complaining that their partner is "crunching" the oatmeal, the relationship has gone into utter demise. Substitute whatever annoyingly perceived habit that spouse has and its still the same theory. It may or maynot be true, but I sense you also carry some angst towards him for his overzealous desire to know your every moves...
BeyondtheClouds Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Yours is not a healthy relationship and it's too bad it did not reveal itself / or you did not identify this problem before you got married. Yes, I recalled dating a couple of guys who would regularly assume the worst. 10 minutes late -- the response, Yeah, who are you ****ing now? Let the phone go to voicemail, Yeah, who are you ****ing now? and so on. When you're young you doubt yourself and wonder if even the above is even remotely reasonable. It is not. This kind of behavior I would think makes a lot of things difficult in your life. Surely, people who would like to be friend you must be on edge quite often when dealing with you. I shudder at the thought of you getting home later than you had estimated to your husband. And if you work, does he tell how much you can, should work? Has this interefered when doing over time might have helped a situation? Has he ever shown up on work premises without your agreeing to it?
rafallus Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Just because it's your partner, doesn't mean you have to accept every word of his as true. Start putting up resistance to his double standards, let it grow bigger and bigger over time, until he snaps.
denise_xo Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I don't know how you put up with this nonsense. I would have lasted roughly half a day. If it is has always been this way, what has made you accept it for so long? It borders on abusive, IMO.
Author luvstarved Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 I should say that the double standard is not just about what I do vs what he does. It is also about blame... He finds a way to deflect blame for anything, while anything that irritates him is "intolerable" and "unacceptable". An example from this weekend: we were going to a lecture, he wanted to leave an hour in advance though it's a half hour drive. I was ready on time, but at the hour in advance his mom was chewing my ear off and he was obliviously perusing facebook. We left 10 minutes later than he had said he wanted to, ran into some traffic but made it on time, with 7 or 8 minutes to spare. On the way, he starts in with, I hate this, other people are always making me late, and peppering in snide comments like, well I don't suppose I'll get a decent seat now, will I? When I pointed out that he was sitting on facebook at his desired leave time, his response was, well YOU should have informed me what time it was, I lost track of time. FF to today. He had a game to play and wanted our daughter there, I was going to go to church. First off, he asks if I will bring her so he does not have to get her up so early, I say well it is a little inconvenient for me. He calls daughter out and informs her that I WILL bring her to his game. OK...well SHE had a class to be at by 1230, so I said, I suppose I will have to come pick her up for that as well. OH NOOOOO! He will take her, he will get her there on time, for sure. So, he calls me at 1234, they are just then leaving his game. Bottom line, he gets her to her $20 an hour 1-hour class FORTY MINUTES LATE! When I said, you should have CALLED me if you knew you were running late...his response was: "I was playing my game and did not know what time it was. YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!" In other words, us arriving at a lecture 7 minutes early: INTOLERABLE! Daughter arriving at class 40 minutes LATE: No biggie! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
visualbasicide Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 You guys need counseling. Neither of you sound particularly happy. Seems there is a total lack of accountability on his part. Whatever the reasons are, it's pretty serious to manifest itself quite this badly. Granted, nobody likes to be wrong but the rest of us tend to know how to say "yep, i screwed up and i am sorry" I wouldn't continue on like that. Something should change. I am not blaming either side for anything, since we all do things the other party doesn't like. Seems he takes everything you say as a personal attack, if he even listens to you now (which I doubt) he will eventually stop actually hearing what you are saying and just react to tone and body language. My ex was a complainer, If I did the dishes and didn't wipe the stove off, fail. Did laundry but didn't fold the cloths, fail. Folded the cloths but didn't do it like she would have, fail. etc. After a while I just quit helping. Kind of the same thing. She might come up to me with something legitimate to say but if it was in the tone and body language of "fail" then I got defensive right away before we even had the conversation and what we talked about would go in one ear and out the other. I am not saying this is the same thing, but it could very well be likely. Since I am not there and can't see everyone I would suggest counseling. I don't think either of you are emotionally getting what you want and you both seem to harbor some resentment, it will end your relationship if you keep on like this. Get some help sooner rather than later so this doesn't end horribly.
Minnie09 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I so can relate! My X was just the same. While he was having an A, he was extremely controlling, asked about my whereabouts all the time, questioned my honesty and would get irritated if I did the same to him. And I hardly did, because 1) I don't need to control anyone and 2) I didn't have the time and the energy to do so. He would occasionally joke about my "boyfriend" being around the house while he was travellibt for business etc. Half jokingly, but I know deep down inside he really WAS insecure about somebody else being interested in me. Funny how cheaters act that way. They nobody else has integrity, just because THEY don't. Yes, and the double standards were driving me absolutely nuts! Make sure the lights are off, while he left them on all the time. Don't yell at the child, while he would yell at him all the time. Ugh. People who have zero self-control always project and try to control others. And people with no self-control tend to have As, because they can't control their boundaries. I'm not saying your H is being unfaithful, but I'm sure he's lacking healthy boundaries and self-control. That's why he needs to control YOU. Like my ex, I'm sure your H thinks that everything is absolutely fine with him, and you're the problem. Thin-skinned and stubborn. That's what I was called when I was standing my ground, not tolerating the constant nit-picking. When I criticized him regarding whatever, he got super-defensive and sensitive. He couldn't take it. Therapy could help you and him, but I doubt if he's got enough introspection to understand that he's the problem. Without that, it'll go on and on and on.... Or, he just thinks he can get away with it, because that's what he's always been doing. He might be aware of the situation, but has little respect for you. That's an abusive situation right there. It might also be a form of deflection. Maybe he wants to cover something up. His nagging and controlling might be his way to keep you occupied and too distracted to look beyond the surface.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Its pretty common around here that when people are cheating, they get extra defensive about questions. So if he hasnt been cheating, he is planning to. Prepare yourself.
Author luvstarved Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I am not that concerned about him cheating. He certainly checks out females from the past on FB and looks at women. I would not be surprised if he thinks of other women when we "do it". I would not be surprised if he has some resentment about some crazy wonderful sex life he imagines he would have if it weren't for the "ball and chain". But, I can't do anything about any of that. He is sexually very simple and wants everything the same vanilla way every time. I can't do anything for him that way because the only thing that would make me more appealing would be for me to be someone else, which I am not capable of doing. We have a frequent enough sex life for people married 15+ years (1-3 times a week)...seems fine for him AFAICT and I don't let on that I think it's a bit routine (I suggested such once and went sexless for 4 years, so not going there again), but yeah I am sure with all this FB trolling, etc, he at some level pines for a new piece of a$$. Whatever. I don't LIKE that, but it doesn't make me crazy. We all look, I guess, but my issue is not with him being a human being. My issue is with him not wanting to own up to his own humanity, and expressing contempt for others' humanity. As one poster said, most of us are able to self-reflect and admit when we have been wrong. Furthermore, most of us are able to tolerate the quirks of others without being snide, contemptuous and judgmental. Sure, most of us lose our temper sometimes, or overreact to minor transgressions. But we can acknowledge that, and appreciate other people's feelings. It is like he has a stone wall for input and is completely filterless for output. Says whatever he wants about anything, but won't respectfully hear another point of view. The only thing that works for me is to shut down. When he goes off into the "I'm OK, you suck" dialog, I have gotten to the point of just saying, you know if this is where the conversation is headed, I am out of it. We have been to 5 counselors over the years. Same result every time. He bails, I continue, counselor tells me that he is incapable of hearing anohter point of view and I either need to live with it or leave it. So far, I am living with it and trying to reduce it by not tolerating it on a case by case basis. Occasionally, he admits he is unfair and that he dumps on me. But it doesn't really stop. Most of the time, I can just ignore it but when there is just an avalanche of this behavior, I get really resentful and indignant and need to vent. I can definitely be an ********* myself, as can most people I've ever met. But I can also be rational and thoughtful and respectful of other's emotions and opinions. It's a rare day when he is...Thanks for listening!
visualbasicide Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I am not that concerned about him cheating. He certainly checks out females from the past on FB and looks at women. I would not be surprised if he thinks of other women when we "do it". I would not be surprised if he has some resentment about some crazy wonderful sex life he imagines he would have if it weren't for the "ball and chain". But, I can't do anything about any of that. He is sexually very simple and wants everything the same vanilla way every time. I can't do anything for him that way because the only thing that would make me more appealing would be for me to be someone else, which I am not capable of doing. We have a frequent enough sex life for people married 15+ years (1-3 times a week)...seems fine for him AFAICT and I don't let on that I think it's a bit routine (I suggested such once and went sexless for 4 years, so not going there again), but yeah I am sure with all this FB trolling, etc, he at some level pines for a new piece of a$$. Whatever. I don't LIKE that, but it doesn't make me crazy. We all look, I guess, but my issue is not with him being a human being. My issue is with him not wanting to own up to his own humanity, and expressing contempt for others' humanity. As one poster said, most of us are able to self-reflect and admit when we have been wrong. Furthermore, most of us are able to tolerate the quirks of others without being snide, contemptuous and judgmental. Sure, most of us lose our temper sometimes, or overreact to minor transgressions. But we can acknowledge that, and appreciate other people's feelings. It is like he has a stone wall for input and is completely filterless for output. Says whatever he wants about anything, but won't respectfully hear another point of view. The only thing that works for me is to shut down. When he goes off into the "I'm OK, you suck" dialog, I have gotten to the point of just saying, you know if this is where the conversation is headed, I am out of it. We have been to 5 counselors over the years. Same result every time. He bails, I continue, counselor tells me that he is incapable of hearing anohter point of view and I either need to live with it or leave it. So far, I am living with it and trying to reduce it by not tolerating it on a case by case basis. Occasionally, he admits he is unfair and that he dumps on me. But it doesn't really stop. Most of the time, I can just ignore it but when there is just an avalanche of this behavior, I get really resentful and indignant and need to vent. I can definitely be an ********* myself, as can most people I've ever met. But I can also be rational and thoughtful and respectful of other's emotions and opinions. It's a rare day when he is...Thanks for listening! the people that think it can't happen to them are the ones most susceptible. I trusted my ex completely, never a doubt in my mind.....and yet...here I am. If you take this seriously and it turns out to be nothing, wonderful. if you treat this as nothing and it turns out to be serious, you will be devastated. I would urge you to do the former.
Author luvstarved Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 the people that think it can't happen to them are the ones most susceptible. I trusted my ex completely, never a doubt in my mind.....and yet...here I am. If you take this seriously and it turns out to be nothing, wonderful. if you treat this as nothing and it turns out to be serious, you will be devastated. I would urge you to do the former. I don't trust ANYONE completely...not even myself! My husband is extremely good looking and has gotten MANY come-ons from aggressive women (he at one point actually filed a sexual harassment suit against a co-worker who was basically forcefully offering him a BJ). Aggressive women terrify him and I don't worry that he would succumb to them...I am worried about the meek and understanding someone who adores him...that has not happened yet but I am alert to the possibility. He looks and fantasizes like we all do, but AFAICT cheating is not a big likelihood under current circumstances... I don't think it is so much that he really resents me because he wants someone else sexually...I think it is all a result of how spoiled and adored he was by his mother. He expects that same deference and compliance and adoration from me,...but all I can offer is courtesy and respect and rationality! Oh well!!!
country_gurl Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 99.9% of the time when a partner is constantly questioning you about where you're going, what you're doing, who you're with, why you're dressed a certain way, etc....it's projection; that they themselves are cheating or looking to cheat and they're projecting their own behaviors. You seem to be so sure that he's not cheating but it almost seems to me that you're in somewhat of a denial-type mindset.
Author luvstarved Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 I am not in denial, I know him. Honestly, I believe that if he thought he could have hassle-free sex with another woman, he would be all over it. I further do believe that if he subsequently got caught after having sex with another woman, he would spin it somehow that I drove him to it, and regardless of the extent/severity of the circumstances, it would ultimately be my own damn fault. I drove him to it. I asked for it. Whatever. But, I also know that in his mind, to have an affair involves dealing with the "hassle" of the "other woman". He is too distant/disintereste/afraid to have to deal with "that". He is not the actual physical cheating type. He is the fantasize-and-jerk-off type. If he could ef someone and carry on with his day without repercussion, he would be first in line. But he is too afraid for that. And too emotionally unavailable.
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