LittleTiger Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Whatever way you look at it Carrie, this 'relationship' doesn't sound like it's much fun for you. Daniel's idea of you being a sub seems to mean you act like a doormat and get no sex - is that the kind of relationship you wanted?
Cee Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 All that and no intercourse in ten weeks - just heavy petting and some fingering on his part. I know - the more I write about this more and more I see how lame it has become. It is more than just sex; I honestly want a long-term relationship but not one as a doormat, just one where D/s exists in the bedroom but a true partnership exists and that is just not happening when I spend my weekends alone. In the ten weeks that you have been dating, what is the quality of your conversations? When he's too busy to see you, does he call you to chat? Do you feel like you know this man so much better than you did 2 months ago? Has he held your hand yet? Put his arm around you? Has he pointed out non-physical qualities that he likes about you? I think in your heart you already know where he stands. The time issue is something concrete to examine, but the totality of his actions give you an answer.
grkBoy Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I don't know what to tell you CarrieT. I'm only 38, so I'm closer to your age, but not that close. When I met my now fiance, I was in a very busy time at work. I even remember her trying to make a special night for my birthday (even though we only knew each other for two weeks), and I ended up working two hours later than normal and showed up tired. So I was busy too with the career...but I still worked to make time for her and stay in contact. I'd call her a few times a week, text a lot, and make it a point to see her once a week and make it "our time". Now I don't have any children like he does, so I can't sit here and judge on time...but if I really wanted a woman and liked her, I'd still be making a point to stay in contact and make time to see her, even if it's just late-night coffee because of conflicting work schedules. If I was lukewarm and more thinking about work and other responsibilities, then I'd come clean and simply say it's just bad timing...and I'd apologize for wasting your time. Looking at your replies, I see that while you like him, you really don't like this situation. It's on you then to decide. You can stick with this and hope in 2012 things will lighten up, or stop "dating" him and just be friends (but keep him as a possibility if his life eases up and you happen to be single), or cut all ties, or don't be exclusive. So you end up seeing other guys but see if things work out with Daniel. That's about the best advice I can give. I'll be honest if I met some amazing woman and suddenly she's into me but royally busy with her life, I'd really make my decision on how badly I want to be in a RL. If I want a GF, then I'll keep seeing other women and not hope for this. If I'm in no rush and like things where they're at with the hope for more, then I'll stick with her and hope for the best. The real ultimatum (if you stay with him) should be if things lighten up next year. If 2012 hits and it's another project with him constantly busy, then walk away. IMHO (and I have a busy career) people who have no time for someone (when they pursue people) because of a job are making excuses and/or have no real balance in their lives. If you can't walk away from it for one night of the week, then don't bother looking for someone.
insaneinthebrain Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 wow.. there are a lot of things going on here.... First of all .. at sixty as viral as he is .... And a triple bypass.... you can sure expect his sexual dersire to not be the same. There could be some other issue here were you both are submissive and thats just not gonna work. But really, it sounds like the guy is just overworked, and he has been having a string of bad luck. I know that sometimes some peoples work doesnt give them the benefit of being able to put things on hold to take a day of .. And if he is really comming home at 8:30 at night..... well. obviously .. thats at least 12 hour days.. he is bysy out the ying yang... Last time i worked that hard i was in my 20s.... and even at that age, by the time i got home.... EVEN IF THERE WAS A FULLY NAKED WOMAN REACHING FOR MY PANTS...... i would have probably said not thanks i am tierd. Sex starts in the brain, and tierd brain is a turned off brain .... If his work is really that big a of a problem for you should move on. He sounds like he is a working professional, and professionals tend to be very obsessive about work and take it personally. It becomes a huge part of who they are. But this relationship is not destructive or negative. Its just slow to develope. Sometimes that's a good thing. And personally, i see nothing wrong with waiting till the test results come in.. Like you said.. this weekend should have been the one.... If you really like him .. why don't you take the initiative.... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.... INVITE HIM OVER....... and just be naked..or .. wear some nice lingerie... Something that says.. I WANT IT NOW!!!! NO EXCUSES... .... REALLY>.... BELIEVE ME >>> THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT...!!!!! HE WILL LIKE IT...!!!!!!!! And ah .. HAVE A LITTLE BLUE PILL with you JUST IN CASE HE NEEDS IT......... My two cents...
Author CarrieT Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 If you really like him .. why don't you take the initiative.... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.... INVITE HIM OVER....... and just be naked..or .. wear some nice lingerie... Something that says.. I WANT IT NOW!!!! NO EXCUSES... .... REALLY>.... BELIEVE ME >>> THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT...!!!!! HE WILL LIKE IT...!!!!!!!! Been there, done that. Our 10 week "situation" (I can't call it a relationship) has been me cooking and serving him dinner in a dress, no panties, extensive cleavage. Seriously - there was an evening when my breasts fell out while I served dinner and wine. He played with them and fingered me to orgasm and wouldn't let me do anything to him. And then he went home and I cleaned up the dinner dishes. That is the point - as a sub, I have done all he has requested and then some and we have yet to go out together in public. I have been aggressor in pushing it as far along as it has gone. He has apologized profusely and admits that he hasn't even been walking his dog. I am just seeing it as a lifestyle choice. If he lives for his job, he has little time to live for life and the joys contained within. I eat out alone, go to concerts alone, and hike and bike alone and after 10 weeks, I thought we might be doing some of these things together.
lovelustlost Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 wel i think you should keep your options open and should go ahead on the first come first basis coz if u r looking for a longterm thing then it already to long for u to tk this decision. But on other hand if u love someone deeply u wil wait for tht person throught u r life so now its u have to decided first whether u r in love or u wana a long term relations. pick up u r priorty and go ahead.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 The only thing that screams at me about this situation Carrie is the non effort from him and the time. It just screams to me that there is someone else that he is seeing, and she is getting all the effort, and he doesnt have any energy left for you. Those hours he claims to be busy all year with is a woman. Everytime someone comes with a story on LS it always turns out later that there was someone else involved.
Author CarrieT Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Have you come to any decisions, Carrie? I am pretty resolute to ending it. As I haven't heard from him in several days (unusual), I will be phoning this evening as the thoughts are getting pervasive and making me that much more sad and lonely. I am dwelling on the fact that I have been so patient and had hoped we would be much further along now than we are; it speaks volumes to me that we have different philosophies on life that he is willing to work so hard and let so much of the other parts of his life go by the wayside. It is very, very sad for me that a potential great partner can't give a little more of his time.
ja123 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 (edited) I can feel your pain, Carrie. I've been there myself. Once you communicate your decision to him it will hopefully give you some closure so that you can move-on and find someone else who is worthy of you. Kudos to you for identifying it a being a major philosophical difference in your life views. Hold on to that and try not to take it personally (though I know that's tough considering you've made an emotional investment). The sting hurts more at the beginning, but at least now you'll be able to clear your mind and heart for the right man you are being guided to. Let us know how it goes after you talk with him. (I have my own story how someone wanted a 24/7 with me before even meeting in spite of my lack of experience and that did my head in ... I've got it almost resolved, but it sucks when things you'd hoped might have worked out don't.) ((((((((Carrie)))))))) Edited September 14, 2011 by ja123
Author CarrieT Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 I really appreciate the support -- and the hug! I know that my biggest fear of having the phone call is that he will ask for a second chance; to take me to dinner or spend time with me or something. And because I have wanted to see him, it will be hard to say no and be resolute that it is too little, too late. Or, give him the option of seeing me but tell him that I won't be exclusive -- as he requested -- until he can offer me more of his time. That could be a viable compromise instead of shutting him completely out of my life as a potential.
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Carrie.. you need to shut him out completely. After reading your post about what he did with dinner that just astounded me that his arrogance was such that he was willing to put you down at dinner with the whole fingering thing then leave you with the dishes. While I don't fully understand the D/S dynamics I do believe that there are many different varieties of those type of relationships.. all the way from healthy to unhealthy.. and he seems like he would be an unhealthy partner, he also doesn't seem to care about your needs.. at all...
Eddie Edirol Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 And because I have wanted to see him, it will be hard to say no and be resolute that it is too little, too late. Or, give him the option of seeing me but tell him that I won't be exclusive -- as he requested -- until he can offer me more of his time. That could be a viable compromise instead of shutting him completely out of my life as a potential. I suspect that if you give in, he will give you more time for a week or so to appease you, and then he will go back to the way it was. I still think you are not the only one hes seeing. I Think if youre not going to be exclusive now, theres no point, because you really want to be exclusive. Give him the option: unless he gives you more time NOW, this is completely over. You already know where you stand with him at this point, no matter what you do, that probably wont change.
mitchell Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I am just seeing it as a lifestyle choice. If he lives for his job, he has little time to live for life and the joys contained within. I eat out alone, go to concerts alone, and hike and bike alone and after 10 weeks, I thought we might be doing some of these things together. Carrie, this paragraph sums it all up for me. You do not have a relationship with this man yet. If he cannot make the time for you as a couple when your relationship is in it's infancy, I have little hope for him in the future. You owe it to yourself to keep looking and not remain submissive to his promises of hope and change. He has no right to demand that you remain monogamous when he cannot provide you with the other half of a satisfying relationship. Keep dating and best of luck.
ja123 Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Or, give him the option of seeing me but tell him that I won't be exclusive -- as he requested -- until he can offer me more of his time. That could be a viable compromise instead of shutting him completely out of my life as a potential. That's something to try. Did you talk to him tonight?
HokeyReligions Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Many of your replies are what I would say too. Sounds like you got a lot of good advice and have the smarts to sort thru it and know how it applies to you. I can't say I understand the dating game now, but one thing that struck me and was the age difference. I know the "age doesn't mean a thing if you love each other" argument, but I'm in my 50's and my husband nearly a decade older than me. It wasn't so much 27 years ago when we first met, but suddenly his health is bad. No, not bad - critical. I can't begin to say how devastated I am. If I were dating again I would never date anyone older than me - no matter how good their health. I do not ever want to go thru this again. Frankly, I don't think I will survive myself if I lose my husband. You may be stronger or have a different view, but be certain because that much of an age gap can become overwhelming if health issues begin to take the focus of your time and energy. And heartbreak is a horrible thing at any age. I may be more affected because I have no other family or support system - its just hubby & me. I wish you well and comfort in your choices.
Author CarrieT Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 HR - I really appreciate your words... I suppose the men I have met who are my own age are all looking for women in their late 30s. I can't remember the last time I even went on a First Date with a man my age; they have all been at least a decade older than me. I left Daniel a message this evening and haven't heard back. It makes me wonder if the food poisoning he got over the weekend wasn't worse than anticipated as it is unusual for him to go more than three days without even a text or acknowledgement. The lack of closure is very unsettling considering I am playing the "break-up speech" tape in my head over and over and have been for days now. I really thought I would have heard from him by this evening. If he is not desperately sick, it punctuates the need to move on. And until I do, I am reluctant to un-hide my online profile as I know the deluge of respondents will commence a-fresh and I will be back to the vetting process.
Hot Chick Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 He made up the food poisoning excuse. It's time to read He's Just Not That Into You. It applies to all dating generations. It will be freeing to you. It has helped me move on many times. This guy doesn't even want to be seen in public with you yet here you are making excuses for him. I wouldn't even bother to contact him or return his contact. This guy treats you like crap and lies to you in order to not see you. Really?
shayla Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 Carrie, In every sub/Dom relationship I have ever been in, the sub is the one that is actually in control. Yes on the surface the Dom is the one pulling the strings. But the sub decides what happens and when. The biggest thing the Dom controls is him/herself, the control he has is a gift given to him by the sub. For a Dom to take what he wants and not give the sub what she wants is unacceptable. So in my opinion, for him to make demands and not address any of yours? He is not a Dom, he is a wanna be and not a good one. He is not the man for you.
Hot Chick Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I think you would be better trying eharmony. The site addresses emotional as well as sexual compatibility and you're getting for the most part, a higher level of quality, not weirdo creepos from "fetish" sites.
Author CarrieT Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 I think you would be better trying eharmony. The site addresses emotional as well as sexual compatibility and you're getting for the most part, a higher level of quality, not weirdo creepos from "fetish" sites. I completely disagree. I have been on eHarmony. And Match. And Plenty-of-Fish. And OKCupid. I have YEARS of experience on vanilla sites and when one's preferences tend towards the kink, those sites do not address that. It only addresses frequency of sexuality compatibility; not specifics.
Stung Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 I am pretty resolute to ending it. As I haven't heard from him in several days (unusual), I will be phoning this evening as the thoughts are getting pervasive and making me that much more sad and lonely. I am dwelling on the fact that I have been so patient and had hoped we would be much further along now than we are; it speaks volumes to me that we have different philosophies on life that he is willing to work so hard and let so much of the other parts of his life go by the wayside. It is very, very sad for me that a potential great partner can't give a little more of his time. Sorry to hear this is not working out, Carrie. It's always hard to let go when hopes ran so high. On a side note, it is good to see you back, although I guess not if you're only back because you're feeling bad about this relationship.
Author CarrieT Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Sorry to hear this is not working out, Carrie. It's always hard to let go when hopes ran so high. On a side note, it is good to see you back, although I guess not if you're only back because you're feeling bad about this relationship. Thanks, Stung. Yep - I had two years of celibacy and complete abstention from dating of any kind. My first foray out is this little debacle!
9Lives Posted September 15, 2011 Posted September 15, 2011 At 47, it has been over three years since I have been in a relationship (heck, I came to LS to manage the ending of the last one). I played around with FWB and NSAs and had a full two years of celibacy. I went back onto the serious dating sites about six months ago and had a LOT of First Dates. Then ten weeks ago I met Daniel. And I was honest with him that as I found him on the dating site, I was still corresponding with others as I was just learning how to date again after the two years of solitude and abstinence. He told me that he was only interested in the potential of a long-term, monogamous relationship and that when I was done multi-dating, to give him a call; that he was interested in me. I thought about it for several days and realized he was essentially offering that which I was looking for; intelligence, stability, obvious chemistry, etc. I called him back, told him that I had hidden my dating profile and ended all potential conversations I was having with others, and was hoping to get to know him better. Unlike EVERY OTHER MAN I had ever met (and those who know me, know that it is in the triple digits), Daniel absolutely refused to get intimate with me (other than heaving petting) until both of us showed proof of negative STD tests. Perhaps I should add that I met him on a particularly specific kinky sex site. I'm not sure if that has any bearing on this or not... We were both searching for long-term relationships that involved our kink, but unlike most, instead of starting with the sex/kink, he wanted to get to know me first - a complete and utter rarity for me. And now the problem is that his job has gotten in the way. We have only seen each other for a few hours (a meal) at a time about every ten days. He admits that the rest of his life (his bills, walking his dog, yard work), is all suffering because of a big project he has been given. And he can't tell me how long it will last; possibly until the end of the year... So I am in this conundrum. Am I wanting it that much more because it is so different than what I have ever had? And how long do I wait? We have both had our tests, but he can't find time for me. I do believe him that it is his job - I can tell he hasn't signed into the site where we met and much of our connection has been our abject honesty about certain things (the kink). To come so close to a potential - and if I give him an ultimatum, he is likely to end it entirely for not wanting a multi-dater in his life. I'd appreciate the thoughts of those who are mature. No offense to you youngsters, but you live in a Facebook/text-driven world of instant gratification. If I were 20-something, I would have given up on Daniel weeks ago, but having had so few connections in the past few years, I'm questioning if a man like this is even capable of NOT living for his job and what kind of relationship will that be for me anyway. I would open up my dating internet on another site that he is not on. Reason being is because this guy is not showing enough interest. You could be very disappointed and have nothing else to look forward too. He doesnt put enough work into it.
Hot Chick Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 I completely disagree. I have been on eHarmony. And Match. And Plenty-of-Fish. And OKCupid. I have YEARS of experience on vanilla sites and when one's preferences tend towards the kink, those sites do not address that. It only addresses frequency of sexuality compatibility; not specifics. well you've gone to a "kink" site and fallen for a guy who is not into sex with you whatsoever....
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