completely out of control

[iheartsuki]

i'd like to know if this is something to be concerned about, or if i'm just making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. the other day, my bf and i were fighting and, before it was resolved, i went to take a shower. i locked the door because i just really wanted privacy, and i think i should have a right to that. when i got out of the shower, my bf brought me coffee and demanded that i open the door so he could hand it to me. i told him no, it's not an emergency to and to leave it downstairs. he kept insisting, and already feeling totally controlled, i kept telling him no. so he unlocked the door with a key and said "you just don't listen" as he set it down on the counter in the bathroom....and shut the door and went away.

 

i feel like it's easy to say he was "just" trying to do me a favor, but it really wasn't an emergency. if i don't want the g*d damn f*cking coffee, then i don't want it. i'll heat it up later....he did his best and then it's on me. but instead, i feel like my rights were totally violated. i felt completely controlled and powerless and like he's sending the message to me that, indeed, i have NO power.i told him this. he apologized. he said he wouldn't do that again. then he did it again today.

 

we got into a fight. i was then crying in the bathroom with the door locked b/c i just needed some privacy and time to cool down (in a place where there are tissues, no less)....he came charging up, insisting he needed to get in to brush his teeth. he wasn't going anywhere or getting ready for anything specific. i wanted a little more time in there....but he unlocked the door and came in anyway. he has even done this same exact thing at one of his past residences.

 

i feel completely and utterly powerless in this relationship. he has the money to dictate what we do together, he has friends and family here (i don't), he has transportation - until recently i had NONE and now i have his dad's car, i'm either living in HIS apartment that he pays for, or i'm living in his parents' house and staying in HIS room -- something he makes sure that i understand (so his comfort comes first, and whether it's logical or not, he tells me where i can and can't put things, what i can and can't do), he is stronger than me, so when we fight he can block or pin me down so i can't get away from it....but he can just walk away when i'm talking -- and does, if i do something he doesn't like, he threatens to kick me out...but he can live however he wants, and when i don't want to be touched a certain way or in a certain place, he totally ignores my requests to stop....i've also asked him not to wake me up very early in the morning when he's horny, but he continues to do so anyway, even though i've made it known that i have an extremely hard time falling back asleep. i feel completely and utterly powerless. it's truly making me hate him. and when he nitpicks constantly about how i do things, i just feel completely filled with anger and hatred.

 

and, i'm embarrassed to say, but things have gotten physical. b/c i feel so powerless and controlled, and b/c he can (and has) pull(ed) on me or pushed on me to hurry me in situations, touches me in ways that i don't want to be touched always and ignores my repeated verbal requests to stop, forces me to stay and talk to him when i'm extremely upset and just need to cool down (he holds onto my arms, blocks me, holds me down/wrestles w/ me -- and if i end up w/ bruises, it's b/c i tried to pull away -- never b/c he wouldn't respect my wishes and let go).....i don't have any physical power over him....and certainly no verbal power....so i end up just punching, hitting, or shoving him in the face. it's humiliating. i've never treated anyone this way before. but i don't feel like i've ever been treated this way either. my ex was no gem, but i never felt pushed to the point of violence.

 

i don't know what to think. i moved to another state to be w/ him and find a job. he has supported me financially while i try to find a full time position (i have a part time job right now), he does sweet things like has dinner ready for me some nights, he provided transportation for a long time, and tries to do other favors for me (like laundry), but something about it just doesn't feel right or seem like enough. i feel like he uses this as a get out of jail free card -- he reminds me of these things every time i'm upset about something unrelated or if i tell him he's behaving in a way that makes me feel disrespected, invalidated, and/or incompetent.

 

sorry...this post turned into a lot more. i have no one to talk to here and don't want to tell my friends more than i've already told them. i'm not sure if him unlocking the bathroom door is actually f*cked up, or it's not really worth getting upset about.....but i think it's part of a bigger picture.

 

i really need advice. i have no one to talk to. i cry every day and only feel relief from this deep sadness when i'm at work....i feel competent, independent, and respected while i'm working....i don't feel lonely and empty, like i should be out doing fun things with someone who is supposed to care about me, but instead is off having fun with his friends or golfing while i sit alone on my computer or go shopping (for things i can't even afford) by myself. and i don't expect anyone there to understand or care about my feelings.

 

what do i do? am i overreacting? i feel so alone.

[iheartsuki]

i think what also seems off about this is....he has said in the past in these situations where he unlocks the door on me, "you can't lock me out of my OWN bathroom". it's like he's completely missing a whole level of respect there. i don't feel like he respects me as a human being or person. if i were paying half (or everything) to live in a place where we live together....would i then be granted the right to cry in the bathroom with the door locked when i'm upset? or just have privacy when i want it?

 

am i crazy, or is there something completely wrong here...?

[sm1tten]

You are not crazy. This is a very unhealthy relationship. I doubt that if you were financially equal he would treat you any differently, either.

 

I hardly EVER want to tell someone to break off a relationship, because as an outsider I don't know the dynamic. But I can tell you that from what you've posted if you were my friend or relative I would be very, very concerned about what appears to be abusive and controlling behavior and urge you to leave.

[iheartsuki]

thank you.....i talked to him last night again and told him that i'm still very upset about him unlocking the door...i told him i just feel completely powerless -- i can't threaten to kick him out of anywhere (or threaten him with anything else, for that matter), i can't physically overpower him or walk away from him when we're arguing, i can't take away his transportation or put my comfort before his.....i have no power over him. none. not even emotional....he has plenty of emotional resources here...

 

he still insisted he did nothing wrong. he said it was wrong of me not to open the door and hand him what he needed. i corrected him and told him that he never made that clear....he just said he wanted in there. he then insisted that it's a "public area" that other people use and i can't just lock myself in there. one point i think i should have brought up, but didn't, is the coffee....that was nothing he needed. he didn't NEED the bathroom for anything in that case. it should be my right to refuse a favor....even if that's not nice of me, i think it's still my right.....isn't it...?

 

i feel like this always happens.....i try to focus on the bigger picture and WHY i'm upset about a specific incident, and we end up battling over the trees. it ends up being about the f*cking minutiae. he apologized for making me feel completely and utterly powerless, but something about his apology just didn't feel sincere. i still don't really feel like he understands how he makes me feel.

 

then this morning, i was trying to tell him something (unrelated to all this) and he interrupted me, answering what he assumed i was going to say. when i told him this is rude (he does it ALL the time) and it's very stressful for me to try talking to someone who constantly interrupts me and assumes my thoughts, he got really annoyed and started saying things like "ohh yeahh, whatever", completely minimizing what i was saying and how i feel.

 

i just feel like a fundamental level of respect for me is missing. there are things he would NEVER EVER tolerate and he doesn't have to. he would break up with me, or kick me out, or walk away from me, or go do something with someone else instead of what he had planned with me....i can't do any of those things and i feel like he's abusing that.

 

and thank you for your advice....i just feel financially and emotionally STUCK.

[CarrieT]

Time to get a job, get your income, and become your own person; not this thing that this man walks all over.

 

You have given him that power and as long as you are reliant on him and his money, things will not change.

[iheartsuki]

thank you.....i tried for almost a year to find a full time job where he lives with the degree i graduated with over a year ago. i finally gave up on full time employment and got a part time job a little over a month ago, but found out that the business where i work is now closing. i have a small income now, but not quite enough to support myself with my student loans.

 

in addition to this, my two very good friends who were living nearby have left for jobs elsewhere (in other states)....i still don't know the people i work with well enough to rely on them for emotional support or even really company during my downtime...and it looks like i will not really reach that point with them b/c every one will be going their separate ways in a couple of weeks.

 

i'm trying to get out of this situation, but it's not an overnight solution.

[sm1tten]

I can see how you would feel that your boyfriend doesn't respect you, because his actions and his words are screaming out to you that he doesn't.

 

What do you want to achieve? Do you want to leave or do you want to try to salvage the relationship?

[iheartsuki]

thank you for taking the time to read everything and reply....

 

i think i would like to salvage it, but i'm not sure he will ever understand how completely insignificant and powerless he makes me feel. i don't think he sees or cares how deeply damaging his words and behavior really are...and usually the blame ultimately falls on me for why our relationship is complete ****. i definitely don't think i'm perfect, but i know it's not just me.

 

so, i would like to salvage it, but if someone doesn't respect you or care about your feelings, there's no way to make them do those things. i'm finally beginning to realize that and it really f*cking hurts. i try to tell him how he makes me feel....when i tell him his actions are terribly disrespectful he just responds with "i very much respect you". i'm completely disarmed.....what can you even say to that when you've already completely poured your heart out?? it's like talking to a wall. so....i'm preparing myself to face the fact that he will never understand or care about how much he's hurting me. and in that case, i can't be with him.

 

and...one thing that makes me feel truly hopeless, is that his dad treats his mom almost EXACTLY the same way he treats me. insensitive, verbally and emotionally abusive, dismissive (he trivializes and minimizes a lot of her accomplishments or feelings, especially negative emotions), pushes her buttons until she blows up, denies reality ("i never said that"), and in a lot of situations, he is far too hard on her the way my boyfriend is with me (reaction outweighs the action).....i just don't think it will change b/c all he has seen his entire life is that this is ok. his mom often just puts up with it. or she has a minor reaction but doesn't really stand up for herself....but then later confides to me how deeply upsetting, stressful and/or hurtful it is to her.

 

i don't think i can go through my entire life allowing someone to treat me that way.

[yume]

You keep talking about how you have no power over him - and you're right. No one has power over anyone else unless a person allows it and becomes subordinate, which I think has happened to you.

 

You need to realise that the only person you have power over is YOU - you can leave at any time you decide. Everyone is responsible for themselves. This is not the way a relationship should be with another person - you DESERVE respect and kindness, not the repeated crap he is giving you.

 

Can you not move back home?

[sm1tten]

Everything that you have written here makes me feel like you can't salvage this because you've already tried - that is, you've told him how you feel multiple times, and he's dismissed, trivialized, or ignored you. You can't save it by yourself. And you should not be allowing anyone to treat you this way.

 

Can you move back home? Can you move to stay with one of your friends out of state for a while? You need to start taking steps to save yourself.

[iheartsuki]

i could go home...but i've come so far. i really miss my home, but i'm just not ready to go back. i really wanted a job here and i'll feel completely defeated if i just go back home.

 

but, yes, that would be the only immediate solution. otherwise, i'm totally dependent on him in every way until i can find a job and place of my own to live -- neither of which is a small feat in the area where i want to work.

 

also, it's not so much that i want power over HIM. you said i have power over myself, but that's exactly it....i don't feel that way at all. when he touches me when i don't want to be touched, or invades the personal space i try to take for myself, i don't even feel like i have control over myself....my own body. the only way to immediately get control back is to completely give up and go home....something i don't want. but if i keep going for what i want....he has total control until i finally get what i've been working for. either way, he has all the control.

 

all i want is equal power in the relationship...power to be heard, to demand the same respect that he can demand, to make important decisions....and authority over my own body or emotional space that i claim for myself. and it makes me extremely sad and resentful that i can't get those things from someone simply b/c they love me and genuinely care. i can only get those things when they know they can't get away with denying those things. if someone loves you, why would they ever try or want to try "getting away" with that kind of treatment?

[Des]

It sounds like he enjoys having someone around who he can treat like a child and control. That's just how some people are, and it's annoying as hell. Once he doesn't have that anymore, I honestly don't see how it's gonna work.

[chucksagent]

It sounds to me like your relationship is doomed because you are both VERY selfish people.

 

He won't respect your privacy when you try to get away during a fight and you won't respect his wishes to either resolve the fight or make up by giving you coffee. You can be "difficut" and be perfectly within your rights as a human being, but at the same time, don't be surprised when your relationship has turned to crap because NOBODY likes a difficult person.

 

Same thing with "I don't want to be woken up in the morning." It's easy to point the finger, but go back and read what you wrote: "I want, I feel, My privacy, my, my, want want." Where is your concern for HIS feelings? Some men prefer morning romantics. Why should your wishes be ANY more important than his (be it a fight, love making, dinners, money, etc.)

 

Now, OBVIOUSLY he is wrong holding the money/housing thing over your head. I've been in his shoes a few times and NEVER (not even ONCE) held that stuff over my girlfriend/fiances head. That's a BAD sign on his behalf that he will use ANYTHING he can to get his way.

 

But, sad to say, it sounds like you aren't very different; unwilling to bend and do things he likes sometimes - you want stuff done your way...and that's fine if you can find a giver. They say most LONG and successful marriages have a giver and a taker (or at least one person who gives a TAD BIT more and one who takes a TAD BIT more)...I know MANY relationships which have ended in divorces and MANY who have been together for 25, 50, and more years...the divorced couples usually (if not always) involved 2 people who were "my way or highway" type people and ALL (I literally mean ALL) the super long still together people had one person who was willing to give more.

 

Doesn't sound like either of you two is willing to give more. Ballgame in my opinion.

 

I'm not saying your wrong in locking him out of bathroom or not wanting to make love in the morning...but....think about this quote...

 

Would you rather be right or happy?

[TBH]

please ignore above post.

 

what above poster does not understand is the reason why you dont want to be woken isnt actually because you cant get back to sleep, its because your BF wakes you because he believes it is his right to do so and is clearly a complete ******* who touches you even when you ask him not to.

 

In many places this would constitute rape. please be under no illusion, what your BF is doing is controlling and undermining you at any possible opportunity.

 

A previous poster said the relationship wont work if the dynamic between you changes because what your BF wants is to be with someone he can control. as soon as you cease to be that person he will not want you anymore. This is the total and absolute truth.

 

you are enabling him to treat you this way by staying, he WILL NOT change, not for anything, not ever.

 

You have options, you are just too scared to face them, this is all part of the controlling behaviour, prolonged interaction with such a person as your BF will grind down your self confidence until you have no aspirations or hope for a better life because you wont feel like you deserve any better. when this happens he will have achieved his goal.

 

My sister is with such a person and I just cant tell you how upsetting it is to know someone you care for is being treated in this way.

Unfortunately I think it has gone on for too long for my sister and she genuinely believes she deserves to be punished and controlled.

 

Tell your friends whats really going on, tell your mother too. Dont be ashamed IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He deserves for people to know what a total scumbag he is. People who control operate freely because they know you will be too ashamed and protective of the relationship to tell the truth. You'll only realise just how bad it is for you when you see the reactions of the people who love you.

 

Get out now before it is too late xxx

Edited September 15, 2011 by TBH

[chucksagent]

Feel free to ignore me. TBH is a published genius in the field of relationships - for that matter ONLY listen to her...actually, only listen to yourself as that's probably what you'll do anyway.

 

TBH - I will go out on a limb and say you're a female (in spite of your gender being "rather not say") and I say this because it's ironic how you HATE controlling and abusive people but you INSTRUCTED this young lady to TOTALLY IGNORE my post. You don't think she can read something and dub it garbage on her own? You don't think she is smart enough to know good advice from bad advice? How abusing and controlling of you to think she isn't smart and not let her make her own choices.

 

I've seen SOOOOOOOO many women (even my mom, a few aunts, and grandmothers) say they hate controlling and abusive men, but then its "Tom, go cut the grass right now!" "Steve, we're not watching your stupid football all day!" "Frank, your worthless, please get off the couch and put down the video game." Yet, my mom can lay around and read all Sunday -reading is ok...My gram can put off doing the dishes for one night if shes tired - but my gramp can't put off cutting the grass. You people can put on blinders and say this stuff doesn't happen in your family but I have a HUGE network of friends and we have ALL seen this....when a woman controls, manipulates, or ABUSES its "You have him trained well, sista!" "Wow, he listens to you well, how'd you do it?" "It took me this long to train him, you think I've giving up on him now!" Why is it so awful when a man does it?

 

I really am not a jerk and not trying to be one right now. Abuse is a serious thing and NOBODY should tolerate it. If you feel you are TRULY being abused, get out today.

 

But be real with yourself. Have you REALLY done all that you can to make him feel happy and secure? All of your last post contained TONS of stuff he does for you - rent, housing, vehicle, dinners, laundry etc. But what have you done for him?

 

Do you know how many women would KILL to have a man who could provide all those things and take time to make surprise dinners and do laundry...SOOO many deadbeat guys (who for some reason women love) won't (as you call it ) try and control you but then again they aren't very motivated to do much of anything other than smoke pot and drink beer (im sure many women on this board have dealt with these types of guys).

 

Listen, you seem like you at least have your head on straight and are a bright girl - know who you are as a person and what you want in another person. None of us know you or will ever meet you. I'm not judging you. I myself am moreso a taker than a giver. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY GIVING to people...but my girlfriend (we live together) CONSTANTLY gives, she is a saint. I am more the occasional big splash giver/provider/nightly back massages while watching TV lol. There is nothing wrong with knowing and ADMITTING you don't like to give THAT much and you'd rather be with someone who is a giver. There are LOTS of GREAT guys out there who will give give give give...many of them will probably be the less attractive guys but some may have great jobs, be good solid men of the community...when you get older looks practically don't matter at all ESPECIALLY after a while.

 

Here is a prime example: My cousin and her husband married 15 years...he took a pay cut and a worse job because he claimed he wasnt happy (came to later find out he MAY have been forced out) at a VERY prestigious (in the newpaper, making big decisions) job to a MUCH less prestigious job....this job also had him working late into the night most nights...well my cousin FLAT out refused to wake up and make love when he got home OR in the morning...he took that to mean she was getting attention somewhere else, when really she was just being selfish and refusing to budge. Who knows if she resented him because of the job change...who knows if he felt insecurity after the job decline which led to his belief (coupled with no sex) that she was cheating...Life is crazy...had my cousin been a giver and SHOWN him she didnt care what job he had or money he made (she let it be known she didn't LOVE the $15,000.00 pay cut per year) and had she TRIED to make love late at night or in the morning sometimes...BUT they were BOTH selfish and takers and NEVER refused to budge...we as their friends and family knew VERY WELL thats the people they were "their way or high way" and somehow they lasted 15 years...lol..but ultimately is was their undoing.

[TBH]

Chuck... OK so i admit it was unfair of me to say that and I apologise.

 

I was having a bad day and coupled with the fact that a person close to me is in a very similar situation it felt kind of personal.

 

I do understand your points but I felt you must have overlooked the part where OP mentioned her partner would try instigate sexual contact, she refuses but he continues.

 

Surely that indicates a very uncaring and possibly psychopathic nature.

 

Regardless of what she has done/not done to try to make the relationship work, I do not think that anyone who behaves in this way deserves that kind of effort.

 

also I dont think it makes any difference how much is provided to a person by their partner, it does not entitle them to be abused. If her partner is unhappy with not getting anything back then he should talk to her about it, not attempt to control her.

 

My feeling is his behaviour indicates a mentality which is not healthy and therefore any attempt to have a healthy relationship with him will fail.

Edited September 16, 2011 by TBH

[Miss Clavel]

and, i'm embarrassed to say, but things have gotten physical. b/c i feel so powerless and controlled, and b/c he can (and has) pull(ed) on me or pushed on me to hurry me in situations, touches me in ways that i don't want to be touched always and ignores my repeated verbal requests to stop, forces me to stay and talk to him when i'm extremely upset and just need to cool down (he holds onto my arms, blocks me, holds me down/wrestles w/ me -- and if i end up w/ bruises, it's b/c i tried to pull away -- never b/c he wouldn't respect my wishes and let go).....