JuneBug102 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've been living together for 6 months now. He's recently agreed to get married (I say agreed because before we moved in together, he was eager to get married; once we moved in together, he did a 180 and didn't want to). He then took initiative, set the date, told all of his friends, and has been shopping for a ring. He's been married before, divorced 3 years. No kids. I'm never married, no kids. We're both in our early 30s, have graduate degrees (I'm a doctor, he's a director at an F50 company), self-sufficient, etc. For context. He's from southeast Asia, a very Islamic country, 3rd world, etc. His family is extremely well-off there, and he came to the U.S. when he was 18, obtained his citizenship here as soon as he was eligible, converted from Muslim to Christianity and then met and married a white Christian woman. After 5 years, they divorced. She was diagnosed with some mental imbalances and personality disorder around that time. My concern is that as soon as we moved in together, his approach to our relationship changed. He felt very comfortable asking me to pay half of the mortgage to live here - the house is 100% in his name. Financially, that's not an issue, but he seemed to feel very entitled to it. Despite not being much more than average in his tidiness, he became obsessively critical of my cleanliness and is constantly bringing it up whenever he seems to feel a bit insecure about anything in our relationship - for example, when I leave to spend two or three days out of state with my family, he opts not to go, and I'm guaranteed to return to him picking a fight over how little housework I do within a couple of days. The big red flags: as soon as we set a date to elope, he went out and bought a Qu'ran in English and brought it home and set it out on our dining room sideboard where all guests would see it. I don't see him read a Bible that often, and he studied the Qu'ran as a child in his home country as a regular course of study. Despite that, his reason for buying it in a language that he still doesn't read too quickly was that his upcoming visit home will require him to defend his Christianity to his family again, and it's easier to do if he refreshes his memory of the Qu'ran. (Also, I read anything and everything - so typically, if he brings a book in the house, I'll read it. And he initially walked in and handed it to me.) Next, after a particularly difficult weekend with his close friends as guests, he mentioned casually to me that he disagreed with a part of the traditional wedding vows. He then proceeded to tell me that he disagreed that one's spouse should come first. Instead, he said, one's mother should always be first since she always loved and has been there for him and if he was down to his last possession and it was between his spouse and her, he'd give it to her. This is also an Islamic tendency, to value one's mother 3x more than one's spouse, from what I've researched. So that was alarming. Religious ties aside, it's also a principle that's almost guaranteed to cause divorce, in my opinion. I'm also realizing where some of the things might have originated that bother me. Despite moving in together, the house is fully decorated in his furniture with all of my furniture isolated in the guest / storage suite that we never use. My couch set is the only thing I own that's in the daily-use part of the house, and even though they go with his decor better than his own couches, he tried to get me to get rid of them when I first moved them in. He has pictures of himself, his mother, and his family all over the house. Despite being with him for 2 years, and having a dog and a cat together than he babies like his own kids, there is not one single picture of me, me with him, or our pets anywhere in this house. (He has a booming photography business on the side, so it's not as if he's never running around with a camera - he has over 100 pics of me and our pets stored in his online photo portfolio and there's not a wall in the house without his photos on it). I feel like I have to justify every single square inch of space that I take up in our relationship. Like I'm an addition to his life, instead of it being a combining of 2 equally big, full, amazing lives together. It finally clicked for me when I started to google marriage and his home country, marriage and islam. He's acting like he's brought a 15-year-old child bride with no identity and no "baggage" and no possessions into his home to be his mother's servant and his companion at his whim, and expecting to be paid something - since a dowry is out - for taking her off of her father's hands. I've called off the engagement, but I'm still here for now. He was married to a girl very similar to me for 5 years, so he has to know what I'm in the market for, marriage-wise, and that it's not compatible with this 2nd-class-citizen undercurrents that've been popping up. He's also highly "westernized" in almost every visible way - it was a lot like dating a guy from my home town before we moved in together. He's great in so many ways: very charming, loving, supportive, outgoing, ambitious, very caring of our pets, there for me in a crisis, etc. But he's never been too invested in my family - who are great - and he's always expected me to drop everything to be invested in his family and his non-U.S. friends. His family is still very devout muslims and are coming to live with him, and he's in a hurry now to get married and have kids right away. He says he's not that hung up on how the kids are raised, although he'd prefer that they're raised Christian. I know his mother would NEVER support that, and one of my big - and perhaps over dramatic - fears is that if she took the kids to the home country with her to raise them muslim per her religious duty, I would be completely out of luck. Is this even worth explaining to him, seeing if he'll work on it? How high is the risk that he'll say he's working on it and revert as soon as we're married? Should I just take this time to move on and just keep him as a friend? This is all coming out of left field, entirely. For a year and a half, he was about as liberal and easygoing as could be. I'm just lost right now.
DaisyLeigh Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I see red flags everywhere. You do too. Heed them.
Afishwithabike Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 You aren't overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting and putting up with a lot of red flags. You have so many reasons, too many to list, to be uneasy. If it were me, I wouldn't marry him. My two cents. I don't know what part of southeast asia he comes from, but there is a thread in the separation and divorce section of this website from a British citizen who married an Indonesian man. He cheated on her repeatedly and now that she wants to divorce him, she's finding it difficult to do so under the laws of that country. Also, child custody issues apparently don't favor her. Something to consider even though you and he currently live in the USA.
country_gurl Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Do NOT disregard these very serious red flags. Frankly if I was you, I would seriously consider ending this relationship because it's clear to me that you 2 have no healthy future together (marriage, family). You truly WILL always be a 2nd class citizen to him; this mindset of his is deeply ingrained and it will not ever go away and should you remain with him and marry him, it could seriously have some very catastrophic consequences; both for you and any future children. It could end up being the biggest nightmare of your life. It's funny though, if he claims to be a Christian, I do believe there is a verse in the Bible that speaks to a man leaving his mother and clinging to his wife; something along the lines of......a husband must put his wife #1 in his life. Clearly he's looking to pick and choose parts of various religions that suit his purpose. Here, I found the verse: http://bible.cc/genesis/2-24.htm You mentioned that his family are devout Muslims and will be 'coming to live with him.' So if you marry him, that means they'll be living with you, too. Given what his beliefs are, doesn't that scare the crap out of you? You will be a nobody in the picture and your opinions and beliefs and needs and wants will never be a priority to him. Seriously - run, don't walk.
speedster Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 RUN. get out of there before you become a prisoner or a victim.
Author JuneBug102 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks so much, all. I wanted to see if others were picking up on the same red flags that I seemed to be seeing. Appreciate you all taking the time to weigh in. country_gurl, I agree and that's the verse I showed him too. I'm not interested in any other style of marriage than that one. I'm upset that he's waited this long to communicate his stance.
Avihenda Posted September 23, 2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Speaking from experience, I spent many years living with a man and paying his mortgage. The house was in his name and I paid half. Thirteen years later, I have nothing, he has the house we built together and everything in it. Do NOT do this to yourself. If you are paying for it, it should be in your name also. Not on the papers? Move out until you are. Simple as that. If you aren't married, you are at risk for losing your hard earned possessions. As for your red flags, I don't see them being as big a deal as others. It seems you are reading between the lines with him. Reading possibly more into it than there really is. How about talk to him and BELIEVE him when he's telling you everything is fine. If you don't, then you don't belong there and certainly shouldn't marry him. You either trust him, his intentions and belief system or you don't.
Recommended Posts