Raged, collapsed, called my "dad", looking for a change

[esteem-jam]

This is one of those days, very bad day. Maybe my medication is wearing off, couldn`t meet psych to get the Lexapro. I`m comparing myself to others, what they have and I don`t. It`s like in school, when everybody has this XY phone, XZ clothes or whatever, and you don`t, and you stand out, and being out (-casted). It`s been like this always. I always tried to play it "cool", like I have a secret come-back plan. But there is no plan. It`s just me a-lone.

Was planning, more like begging my mom... to buy a jeans jacket for autumn, spring. Like refreshing the wardrobe, which is nonexistent. Really, wardrobe and me are terms that don`t go along. Anyway, mom said she doesn`t have time to go with me. I said then maybe I`ll go alone and buy it? She hesitated and just answered she doesn`t have money. I doubt she would trust me with 30 $ anyway, as history shows.

Getting new clothes, staying fit, new hobbies, everything to improve self-confidence, right? Well, this all takes money, which I never had.

 

So I called my dad. I said I need money, 100 $, for shoes or jeans or whatever. I never asked him this much. Biggest I asked was 10 $, and he didnt know what for, but it was for bus ticket. On occasions like birthdays and holidays he comes up with 10, 20, 30 $.

But I think its time to cut the line. If he does have 100$ this time, I won`t spend it on clothes. I couldn`t stand walking round the town and meeting him and the sole idea of "look at this, these are the clothes you bought for my money in 2011".

 

I will use this money to change my surname. His surname (its very bad sounding btw anyway). I`m thinking what to say... for this speech.

People think I have a FATHER. I`m tired of pretending. What`s the role of father, parents? To raise you, give food, give you health (my biggest problem), roof, security, prepare for big life. People assume I had/have all that. Well, I don`t. My father was none of that.

Somewhere in the teens he wanted to "school" me and make me a real man. In that episode he called me a "rag". I tried to be a good son, learn good, don`t smoke, drink, no drugs, no bad companies, mostly doing what I was told. It`s time to settle who did his role and who didn`t.

Edited September 9, 2011 by esteem-jam