Well, I got it.......

[wannabdone]

If his guilt and sorrow are too much to bear????? Why the hell is he not with you, I am wondering.

 

It's over and his motives don't matter anymore.

 

I would say ignore the pathetic scrap of rot that he sent you. is that all he could muster after a 10 year A? You've peobably heard it all before over the ten year affair and know that it means sweet **** all.

 

If you are going to reply, search deep down inside yourself to be sure that you arent using it to get back in touch with him. Sometimes it's easy to fool ourselves.

 

For a long time there was a small part of me that really wanted that closure with xMM. I had it not too long ago when he started to view me on a dating website.... that did it for me. It told me all I would ever need to know.

 

I urge you not to get involved with him in any way. The emotional ties will still be dormant and it could lead you back to that dreadful place you were when we all first got to know you.

 

All my best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

gg.... girl I sware that you and I could be friends if we lived close. Your response was EXACTLY the text my girlfriend sent me yesterday when I sent it to her. That if its too much to bare then why the **** does he not change it!!!

 

I hear what your saying...... we can fool ourselves into keeping the contact. I agree. One thing is for sure though.....I don't want it. I have been working up to this point for over a year now. Growing tired of this relationship. Its been a process i've been dealing with for a very long time. I will not go back into this. Never. If he will not leave and will not D, he will not have me and that is plain and simple. And he won't leave, and he won't divorce, so he won't have me. That is the ending to this book.

 

I've been thinking it through and still am. I really don't think that I am thinking of replying because I want to keep contact. I am thinking of replying to break the contact for good and break the cycle. Just because over the course of ten years, and the multiple times we have done this.... I would say nothing when he chose the NC. Now, in the past I would have immediately responded, never saying how I actually felt, in order to keep the door open. I have never told this douche bag how much he makes me sick. EVER!!! So, thats the only reason I thought about it. he would probably fall out of his chair. I was just more looking at it as breaking the cycle that we have always had. I still haven't made my mind of if I am or not. I'm just going to take my time and look at everything and see if I feel like it benefits me. If I don't see that it does, I won't waste my time. I will keep posting and let everyone know. But as of right now.... i'm doing nothing. And I probably won't make my mind up either way for at least a week. He has never been johnny on the spot to me.....so neither will I.

 

Did you have a few drinks for me the other night?? I notice your an aussie??? My very best friend is from Sydney. Aussies are like irish....temper, drinkers and full of life!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Forward it to his wife.

[fooled once]

I have been NC now for 25 days. I had mentioned in my other threads, the stream of emotions that I had been going through.

I have had the greatest amount of support from the people on here. And really do stand behind as silly as this seems, that you guys have truly I felt like saved my life. I had gotten to a place where I was so low that I didn't even see reasoning for why I was even here anymore.

Seeing the others posts, and what they are going through, feeling like I might be somewhat helping others, and getting the support from you guys, has helped me so much, I will never be able to tell you. So, again, thank you.

 

Back to my point. I had put a thread up a few days ago, I had been doing okay, and feeling stronger.... then BOOM.... bad day hits. Started feeling all of those "wonderful" A affairs that you get, devastion, confusion, saddness. I could not understand how I could have allowed myself to get here. I couldn't imagine how someone who I had shared time with in 10 years, could not even have the common courtesy of even an apology.

 

Well, yesterday, I got it. The apology. And with that came a stream of emotions with it. Saddness, lonely, confusions, peace.... you name it. It did make me feel better that I was at least acknowledged as a human being, but reading it.... I got pissed. It seemed like the apology was wrapped in feeling sorry for him. REALLY????? MY APOLOGY HAS TO BE ABOUT HIM????? Jesus. So, I wondered if I wasn't picking him apart, since I have grown to really think he is a Narcassist. I will share the "apology" with you, and I would like to know what everyone see's from it and tell me if i'm misreading it....

 

"oh my God, I just heard about you. Are you OK? I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. My guilt that I have never been there for you is too much to bare. I really am more sorry than you will ever know."

 

I guess he is referring to a few weeks ago, right after our NC began, I was in the hospital briefly for a collapsed lung.

 

So, what I see is him having a pity party. "his guilt is unbarable"..... so is this about his guilt or about my apology and what he has done to me??? OR am I being too harsh and since I essentially really don't like him (still love him, but don't like who I see he is).

 

Luckily this email came about an hour before I went to my therapist. We disussed it and she said she could see what I was thinking. We talked about me responding. As I have a lot of things I would like to say to this MF. She told me to take the time and think about responding, and if I feel that it is best for me, and will help me to do it. I agreed and haven't responding to it as of yet.

 

So, what do you guys think??? is this about me helping him relieve his guilt??? Is he concerned??? is he just trying to widdle his way back in???

 

I really appreciate again, all your support and help in things. I value your opinions, thats why I'm bringing it to all of you..

 

Thanks, you are all such precious people!!!

 

XOXOXOXO

 

I have only read your initial post and I don't see any apology. He is saying he is sorry to hear you had a medical issue. He isn't saying he is sorry he screwed you over, he is sorry he hurt you, or anything. He is saying he is sorry you were physically hurt.

 

Please do not respond. It will only set you back. You can write a draft to him, but do not send it. Write it and bring it to your therapist. He is NOT going to see the damage he has done to you emotionally, IMHO

[fooled once]

Just read the whole post....

 

Hon, closure comes from within YOU; not from him. Doesn't matter, IMHO, who decided on NC; what matters is you moving forward with your life and responding in any way is giving him power/control. He sent a note and now he expects YOU to respond. Don't. He doesn't deserve anything from you. He hasn't earned your respect.

 

Like I said, i don't think he is even apologizing to what he DID to you or the HURT you received from the affair/ending of the affair.

 

I do agree he is trying the whole "sympathy / pity me" crap with "I was never there for you". Gimme a break. He can't even make it about you even a little bit.

 

I get the obsessing and going over each word, wondering and analyzing. In this case, I just do not see any apology to you for anything besides the fact that you were in the hospital. It is a standard response when you hear of someone in the hospital "Oh, I'm so sorry".

 

FYI - my H had a collapsed lung too 10 years ago - scary as hell. I hope you are healing well and are resting. He was in the hospital 5 days and he was a miserable patient I like medical stuff and the doctor let me help when she put in the chest tube. Was kinda cool. I wouldn't let them take it out until I got there to watch/help

[wannabdone]

Forward it to his wife.

 

 

Now THAT is a good idea!!! But, since I have got an attorney involved with her, as she has harrassed me, and stalked me. I will have to ask him first if I should contact her at all.

[wannabdone]

Just read the whole post....

 

Hon, closure comes from within YOU; not from him. Doesn't matter, IMHO, who decided on NC; what matters is you moving forward with your life and responding in any way is giving him power/control. He sent a note and now he expects YOU to respond. Don't. He doesn't deserve anything from you. He hasn't earned your respect.

 

Like I said, i don't think he is even apologizing to what he DID to you or the HURT you received from the affair/ending of the affair.

 

I do agree he is trying the whole "sympathy / pity me" crap with "I was never there for you". Gimme a break. He can't even make it about you even a little bit.

 

I get the obsessing and going over each word, wondering and analyzing. In this case, I just do not see any apology to you for anything besides the fact that you were in the hospital. It is a standard response when you hear of someone in the hospital "Oh, I'm so sorry".

 

FYI - my H had a collapsed lung too 10 years ago - scary as hell. I hope you are healing well and are resting. He was in the hospital 5 days and he was a miserable patient I like medical stuff and the doctor let me help when she put in the chest tube. Was kinda cool. I wouldn't let them take it out until I got there to watch/help

 

 

I know, right????? Not even in an "apology" can he make it about me. So, you can all see now how 10 years of basically it being all about him, I am about to pull my hair out. And why I didn't see this ****??? I guess me serving others and helping is so ingrained in me, I didn't have any clue.

 

He is the type of guy that if you say "i don't feel good", neither does he. When you have been sick and lost weight (which isn't a bad thing ), you could say "i've lost 5 lbs." his response... "ive lost 10"..... Its maddening.

 

I am increasing disliking him more and more.

 

YOu crack me up with the tube. I like medical stuff too.

[fooled once]

So since reading all our views, what are YOU thinking? Do you see where I was coming from saying it wasn't even an apology about hurting you? I truly do not see anything that shows any concern regarding your emotional/mental pain; just the "Oh so sorry you had to have a tube shoved into your chest" type of 'sorry'.

 

The medical stuff is totally cool!!!

[wannabdone]

So since reading all our views, what are YOU thinking? Do you see where I was coming from saying it wasn't even an apology about hurting you? I truly do not see anything that shows any concern regarding your emotional/mental pain; just the "Oh so sorry you had to have a tube shoved into your chest" type of 'sorry'.

 

The medical stuff is totally cool!!!

 

 

That was my thought from the first moment I read it. I didn't see anything that was sorry for me, pretty much making it about himself....with way too many I's, and me's in his statment. My first thought and still is my thought process was ..... is this an apology to me, or me to feel sorry for this bastard.

 

I just wanted you guy's perspective to make sure that I wasn't reading it wrong. And apparently, I wasn't.

[wannabdone]

oh and another thought I have... he's an ass-hole!!

[whichwayisup]

That note to you was about him, not about you. But, in his own way by writing you back, he gave you enough closure to move on, close the door and lock it forever, never look back.

 

"oh my God, I just heard about you. Are you OK? I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. My guilt that I have never been there for you is too much to bare. I really am more sorry than you will ever know."

 

Notice the "I".

 

Anyway, he's empathetic, yet there's a twisted (selfishly of course) way by how he worded it all to make you feel bad and think more of him than yourself.

 

Remember, it was and always will be about him.

 

Stay strong, don't reply back. He isn't worth it.

[Gentlegirl]

gg.... girl I sware that you and I could be friends if we lived close. Your response was EXACTLY the text my girlfriend sent me yesterday when I sent it to her. That if its too much to bare then why the **** does he not change it!!!

 

I hear what your saying...... we can fool ourselves into keeping the contact. I agree. One thing is for sure though.....I don't want it. I have been working up to this point for over a year now. Growing tired of this relationship. Its been a process i've been dealing with for a very long time. I will not go back into this. Never. If he will not leave and will not D, he will not have me and that is plain and simple. And he won't leave, and he won't divorce, so he won't have me. That is the ending to this book.

 

I've been thinking it through and still am. I really don't think that I am thinking of replying because I want to keep contact. I am thinking of replying to break the contact for good and break the cycle. Just because over the course of ten years, and the multiple times we have done this.... I would say nothing when he chose the NC. Now, in the past I would have immediately responded, never saying how I actually felt, in order to keep the door open. I have never told this douche bag how much he makes me sick. EVER!!! So, thats the only reason I thought about it. he would probably fall out of his chair. I was just more looking at it as breaking the cycle that we have always had. I still haven't made my mind of if I am or not. I'm just going to take my time and look at everything and see if I feel like it benefits me. If I don't see that it does, I won't waste my time. I will keep posting and let everyone know. But as of right now.... i'm doing nothing. And I probably won't make my mind up either way for at least a week. He has never been johnny on the spot to me.....so neither will I.

 

Did you have a few drinks for me the other night?? I notice your an aussie??? My very best friend is from Sydney. Aussies are like irish....temper, drinkers and full of life!!!

 

I swear we would be friends too.... maybe we will met when I come to Ireland next year? Are you able to send me a PM on here? I'm not sure

 

Anyway, stop torturing yourself about the wheres and the whyfors!

 

He won't give a **** or thank you for it you know.

 

YOu don't HAVE to break the cycle or pattern that you were in. You have gone NC and you don't have to do anything anymore, except leave it alone, let it go.

 

If you enter into dialogue with him, you've had it girl and he's won again!

Don't give him any closure either. He doesn't deserve it. He has treated you like a little Barbie doll that he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like playing or not. GRRRRR!

 

I am almost 9 months NC now. It gets easier but not overnight.

 

Yes, I toasted you and your NC. for Gawd's sake woman keep NC as it gives me an excuse to keep drinking!. Aussies are fiery tempered and have high spirits. We have a zest for living just like you lot.

 

Cheers,

Gentlegirl

[nothingbutblueskies]

I'd say that you shouldn't worry about whether or not anyone else sees this as "about him" or "about you".

 

It's over.

 

Walk away. You got some kind of apology...count that as closure if you need to, but at this point mark that chapter of your life as over, and start on the next one.

 

This * 100!

[wannabdone]

That note to you was about him, not about you. But, in his own way by writing you back, he gave you enough closure to move on, close the door and lock it forever, never look back.

 

 

 

Notice the "I".

 

Anyway, he's empathetic, yet there's a twisted (selfishly of course) way by how he worded it all to make you feel bad and think more of him than yourself.

 

Remember, it was and always will be about him.

 

Stay strong, don't reply back. He isn't worth it.

 

 

Thx Whichway.... Just fyi... dunno if you meant to put it, I didn't write him. So he wasn't replying to me. I just noticed you put by him writing you back. Just wanted to let everyone know I have maintained my NC.

 

And oh yes, I noticed the I's. That was the first thing I saw and counted.

 

But, I disagree with you, I don't think he is empathetic at all. I think this was solely based on him. Him getting me to release him of his guilt, him making me feel sorry for him (you know he can't leave, he's SO overwhelemed), him keeping his foot in the door. I didn't pick up on any empathy. The sole purpose because the empathic quote was short, and then it was followed up by the rest of it being about him. I just think that was his opener to talk about himself, personally. It would have looked odd, if he started the I's as soon as he was out of the shute.

[wannabdone]

I swear we would be friends too.... maybe we will met when I come to Ireland next year? Are you able to send me a PM on here? I'm not sure

 

Anyway, stop torturing yourself about the wheres and the whyfors!

 

He won't give a **** or thank you for it you know.

 

YOu don't HAVE to break the cycle or pattern that you were in. You have gone NC and you don't have to do anything anymore, except leave it alone, let it go.

 

If you enter into dialogue with him, you've had it girl and he's won again!

Don't give him any closure either. He doesn't deserve it. He has treated you like a little Barbie doll that he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like playing or not. GRRRRR!

 

I am almost 9 months NC now. It gets easier but not overnight.

 

Yes, I toasted you and your NC. for Gawd's sake woman keep NC as it gives me an excuse to keep drinking!. Aussies are fiery tempered and have high spirits. We have a zest for living just like you lot.

 

Cheers,

Gentlegirl

 

 

Gg.... you crack my ass up. Thanks for the laugh. I am Irish, but I am an Irish/American. So, I live in the US. If you do make it here, definitely!!! A drink is in order.... or a few!!!!

 

I like you twist on things.... NC gives me a reason to drink. Love it!!!!

 

I can't find how to PM on this damn thing. Of course, I can't figure out how to 'multi quote" either..... so apparently i'm a dumb ass.

 

If you figure it out, let me know.

[FightClub]

Wannabdone,

 

everyone here has expanded on the thoughts I had in my second reply, just wanted you to know a lot of what I was saying happened to me as my view on things in almost a year of NC with my exMW. Thats why I suggested you let this one go, I know how much it can hurt being in limbo with a decision to act or not when it comes to the heart and feelings involved with communication.

 

In my experience, walking away was my choice when her marriage became the default choice because she was too indecisive to proactively choose, so I chose what was best for me in the end, silence.

 

Wanted to add that as time goes on, you will see more of yourself in a better place when your emotions slowly disconnect from this point forward.

 

Not breaking NC and the silence that comes with it wil speak louder than any words you can send him. You've mentioned that in the past you were silent and then let it slip, putting you back to square one. This time, staying NC for good forces him to silence and perhaps in time he can face himself, alone with his thoughts and decisions without any hope of you comforting him to stay on the fence.

 

Things will get better my dear, smile...its your time to shine now.

 

take care,

 

-FC

Edited September 10, 2011 by FightClub

[wannabdone]

Wannabdone,

 

everyone here has expanded on the thoughts I had in my second reply, just wanted you to know a lot of what I was saying happened to me as my view on things in almost a year of NC with my exMW. Thats why I suggested you let this one go, I know how much it can hurt being in limbo with a decision to act or not when it comes to the heart and feelings involved with communication.

 

In my experience, walking away was my choice when her marriage became the default choice because she was too indecisive to proactively choose, so I chose what was best for me in the end, silence.

 

Wanted to add that as time goes on, you will see more of yourself in a better place when your emotions slowly disconnect from this point forward.

 

Not breaking NC and the silence that comes with it wil speak louder than any words you can send him. You've mentioned that in the past you were silent and then let it slip, putting you back to square one. This time, staying NC for good forces him to silence and perhaps in time he can face himself, alone with his thoughts and decisions without any hope of you comforting him to stay on the fence.

 

Things will get better my dear, smile...its your time to shine now.

 

take care,

 

-FC

 

 

Thx FC. I appreciate it. You're right the limbo thing is painful. We want answers as to why or how....but quite frankly, if they had the ability to give us answers, none of us would be on the forum....right? That would mean that they could have been direct and strong enough to have told us years ago, that they are sorry but they are staying. I think him not being direct or giving me answers is his way of always keeping me around. I don't know if its subconcious or concious, but I definitely feel its a motivation. If not his email would have read much differently. A lot less I's and a lot more detail and directness. Fact is, he is and has been for a long time so caught up in how hard his life is, a life that he in fact has allowed to get that hard, that he justifies every thing he does. I think he has no remorse of no empathy, because he is overloaded, and I should know that, so it makes it okay. The last thing I said to him was having a lot going on and feeling overloaded doesn't give you the green light to be an ass hole. His response back was "i'm not being an ass hole"....I just looked at him in disbelief, and he said "well, I guess I am"..... he didn't mean it, his first statement he meant. The second statement was just said to smtfu.

 

Again, I appreciate your words, and your right.... time to shine now.

 

Oh and by the way.... I deleted the email about 15 minutes after I got it. I read it about 10,000 times in that 15 minutes though. And after I deleted it, sobbed. Its like everytime I delete something, it just shows me again how this is really over.

 

take care....

wbd

[Gentlegirl]

Gg.... you crack my ass up. Thanks for the laugh. I am Irish, but I am an Irish/American. So, I live in the US. If you do make it here, definitely!!! A drink is in order.... or a few!!!!

 

I like you twist on things.... NC gives me a reason to drink. Love it!!!!

 

I can't find how to PM on this damn thing. Of course, I can't figure out how to 'multi quote" either..... so apparently i'm a dumb ass.

 

If you figure it out, let me know.

 

I have made you a contact so if you click on my name maybe??? I'm a dumbass too.

 

Gentlegirl

[Severely Unamused]

I can't find how to PM on this damn thing.

Your account must be over a month old (which it isn't), and you must have posted at least 50 messages (which you have done). You'll have to wait until the end of September.

 

When that happens, click on Gg's name and a list of options will pop up. It'll be right there.

 

I have made you a contact so if you click on my name maybe???

 

That isn't necessary. I'm not on your contact list but I can still PM you. In fact, I think I will.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Acting stupid.

[jj33]

Wanna first of all I hope you are feeling better. A collapsed lung is enough to deal with without him. Second good for you for not breaking NC while you were going through such a stressful time.

 

I can only echo what the others have said. Ignore him. His guilt is all about him. Oh I am so guilty please please pardon me with your one good lung...

 

As for the limbo thing. I was involved with a MM over 4 years ago and he still contacts me all the time. There was a period of time when I fought very hard for NC and was so tricky that I let go of the notion and just nod smile and ignore him. If I were game he would see me all the time (even platonically) and still be married.

 

If you are lucky enough to have NC stick with it. If he has such overwhelming feelings he will act on them. Words words words they are just code for still married still married still married.

 

As for contacting him ANY time he contacts you tell your lawyer and let him do what him or her do what he or she thinks is best.

 

You have your life to think about now. And as Fight Club said it is your time to shine. Go out there and shine!

 

Thx FC. I appreciate it. You're right the limbo thing is painful. We want answers as to why or how....but quite frankly, if they had the ability to give us answers, none of us would be on the forum....right? That would mean that they could have been direct and strong enough to have told us years ago, that they are sorry but they are staying. I think him not being direct or giving me answers is his way of always keeping me around. I don't know if its subconcious or concious, but I definitely feel its a motivation. If not his email would have read much differently. A lot less I's and a lot more detail and directness. Fact is, he is and has been for a long time so caught up in how hard his life is, a life that he in fact has allowed to get that hard, that he justifies every thing he does. I think he has no remorse of no empathy, because he is overloaded, and I should know that, so it makes it okay. The last thing I said to him was having a lot going on and feeling overloaded doesn't give you the green light to be an ass hole. His response back was "i'm not being an ass hole"....I just looked at him in disbelief, and he said "well, I guess I am"..... he didn't mean it, his first statement he meant. The second statement was just said to smtfu.

 

Again, I appreciate your words, and your right.... time to shine now.

 

Oh and by the way.... I deleted the email about 15 minutes after I got it. I read it about 10,000 times in that 15 minutes though. And after I deleted it, sobbed. Its like everytime I delete something, it just shows me again how this is really over.

 

take care....

wbd

[whichwayisup]

Thx Whichway.... Just fyi... dunno if you meant to put it, I didn't write him. So he wasn't replying to me. I just noticed you put by him writing you back. Just wanted to let everyone know I have maintained my NC.

 

And oh yes, I noticed the I's. That was the first thing I saw and counted.

 

But, I disagree with you, I don't think he is empathetic at all. I think this was solely based on him. Him getting me to release him of his guilt, him making me feel sorry for him (you know he can't leave, he's SO overwhelemed), him keeping his foot in the door. I didn't pick up on any empathy. The sole purpose because the empathic quote was short, and then it was followed up by the rest of it being about him. I just think that was his opener to talk about himself, personally. It would have looked odd, if he started the I's as soon as he was out of the shute.

 

Sorry, I wasn't sure so thanks for letting me know. with that said, DO NOT WRITE HIM BACK!

 

I re read that note, you're right. You know him well, obviously I don't!

[wannabdone]

Your account must be over a month old (which it isn't), and you must have posted at least 50 messages (which you have done). You'll have to wait until the end of September.

 

When that happens, click on Gg's name and a list of options will pop up. It'll be right there.

 

 

 

That isn't necessary. I'm not on your contact list but I can still PM you. In fact, I think I will.

 

 

Thanks SU!!!

 

So, can you help me with this.... how in gods green earth do I multi quote??? I have tried figuring that jewell out and for the life of me can not.

[wannabdone]

I have made you a contact so if you click on my name maybe??? I'm a dumbass too.

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

Okay my little Aussie friend, did you see SU message? I have to wait until end of sept before I can PM. So here shortly we will be able to.

 

I had to now ask her how to multi quote because thats my other bugga boo.

 

How are you doing today???

[wannabdone]

Wanna first of all I hope you are feeling better. A collapsed lung is enough to deal with without him. Second good for you for not breaking NC while you were going through such a stressful time.

 

I can only echo what the others have said. Ignore him. His guilt is all about him. Oh I am so guilty please please pardon me with your one good lung...

 

As for the limbo thing. I was involved with a MM over 4 years ago and he still contacts me all the time. There was a period of time when I fought very hard for NC and was so tricky that I let go of the notion and just nod smile and ignore him. If I were game he would see me all the time (even platonically) and still be married.

 

If you are lucky enough to have NC stick with it. If he has such overwhelming feelings he will act on them. Words words words they are just code for still married still married still married.

 

As for contacting him ANY time he contacts you tell your lawyer and let him do what him or her do what he or she thinks is best.

 

You have your life to think about now. And as Fight Club said it is your time to shine. Go out there and shine!

 

 

Thank you JJ. So, tell me more about your NC and your exMM. These stories help me. So you have been in "NC" for 4 years and he still contacts you? What i'm reading from your msg is that he wouldn't stop, so you just appease him basically. So there isn't a relationship and somewhat NC, but he still does from time to time? How often does he? Like weekly, monthly?? What does he say? I'm trying to prepare myself on what I might be up agaisnt.

 

And your right ..... ALWAYS ACTIONS. I actually got onto the infidelity forum last night and was reading. I was nervous about posting something on there as I am sure a W who just found out her H is cheating, the last person she wishes to hear from is a OW. But I told her just that .....ACTIONS!!! She was pissed that he wouldn't call the OW and end it. I told her my story somewhat. I have had my xMM call me and say its over, not had him and had his W call me. And essentially at the end of the day, none of those matter. If he wants to do it , he will. No matter if he called her or not. And told her to "listen" to his actions, not his words. And how many times, my xMM even would call me before he had to call me and tell me its over. This has been the biggest thing I've learned in having an A.

[wannabdone]

Sorry, I wasn't sure so thanks for letting me know. with that said, DO NOT WRITE HIM BACK!

 

I re read that note, you're right. You know him well, obviously I don't!

 

 

LOL... Its okay!!! I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I had not broke the NC. Its like AA, I'm on my 3 week pin of soberity!!! Hahahaha.

[jj33]

My story is not that different than so many others on here (although of course it felt very unique at the time). When you get PM privileges feel free to pm me and I will elaborate but its not worth repeating on the boards after all these years.

 

He finds any reason he can to ask me anything. From do you think the banks will be closed on July 4th (well not that basic but you get the drift), are you in town (who wants to know, will I see you in y (again who cares), do you want to be invited to z. He tries to create opportunities to see me. We used to work closely together we dont anymore so he has to try harder to find reasons to contact me.

 

The bottom line is that he needs to be in contact with me on some level. If he didnt he wouldnt still contact me. But his need to be in contact with me is not so great that he needs to have a real future with me as his wife.

 

Otherwise he would be calling me telling me Ive filed for divorce I love you etc etc And that is not what he is saying. So its tant pis (or to be more precies meaning who gives a flying f:eek:)

 

The bottom line is actions actions actions. Someone very wise used to say to me jj why do you listen to these men. Dont listen to them. I didnt get it til I had the A. The meaning is dont listen to words listen to actions.

 

It doesnt matter if you are madly in love, it doesnt matter if you are together all the time out in public (may just mean he wants to get caught and have hte decision taken away from him), none of it matters without the right actions.

 

And you arent getting the right actions. Might you someday? maybe. But he isnt there yet. Right actions dont mean calling and begging you to let him off the hook with that guilt trip.

 

I have to tell you if I had been in the hospital and he HADNT come to see me I would have blocked every means of contact business be damned.

 

You should be angry and grateful. Angry that he has the balls to contact you with such a Sh*t apology and grateful that he didnt come to you in the hospital no matter what. And if he didnt why is he contacting you now.

 

Might he change? sure. He may have suffer the emotional equivalent of being struck by lightninig, realize hes been a total azzclown and life is short and if he loves you so much he should be with you. It happens. But I wouldnt sit and wait and wonder. Nothing YOu can do will make it happen. Its something people come to on their own.

 

There is also the fact that you have something going on with his W. She deserves consideration. In my mind, its very very bad form and bad karma to keep this sort of thing going when the W is involved. That puts you on the pond scum level if you are helping to gaslight her. I mean really would you want someone to do that to you? No you wouldnt.

 

She knows. She has been harrassing you to the point that you had to hire a lawyer, so wtf is he doing. This azzclown is COSTING you money. HE hasnt hired a lawyer to keep your people away from him has he. No he feels oh so guilty boo hoo hoo for him.

 

You sound like a great woman. You deserve to be treated like a princess not guilted by some szzclown whose W is harrassing you (and 99% of the time she wouldnt be if he was standing up and doing whatever he had to do to make things right with her either by leaving or really working on his marriage).

 

And if he is really married to such a psycno that she would harrass you, then why is he still there.

 

Its so easy when you are in the thick of it to make excuses for every little thing. And so hard to say he just didnt want to be with me enough to make the break. To suffer the costs.

 

But people divorce every day. This isnt Ireland in the 1950s where it was so hard to get a divorce. This isnt even America in the 1950s where there was such a stigma to getting a divorce. Divorce should be difficult. Marriages are contracts that are entered into for a lifetime, subject to divorce. But its not that hard or the divorce rate wouldnt be so high.

 

The further I am from the relationship the easier it is to say he just wasnt that into me. Yes he is nearing retirement, no he didnt want to lose assets or status, blah blah blah list all the reasons. But the bottom line is if he really wanted out many many people divorce and he simply didnt want out badly enough.

 

Sometimes you see people posting on here years later saying he left. So its not impossible. But again I wouldnt hold my breath. Life is short and you dont want to spend it waiting for him to get over his azzclown phase.