Well, I got it.......

[wannabdone]

I have been NC now for 25 days. I had mentioned in my other threads, the stream of emotions that I had been going through.

I have had the greatest amount of support from the people on here. And really do stand behind as silly as this seems, that you guys have truly I felt like saved my life. I had gotten to a place where I was so low that I didn't even see reasoning for why I was even here anymore.

Seeing the others posts, and what they are going through, feeling like I might be somewhat helping others, and getting the support from you guys, has helped me so much, I will never be able to tell you. So, again, thank you.

 

Back to my point. I had put a thread up a few days ago, I had been doing okay, and feeling stronger.... then BOOM.... bad day hits. Started feeling all of those "wonderful" A affairs that you get, devastion, confusion, saddness. I could not understand how I could have allowed myself to get here. I couldn't imagine how someone who I had shared time with in 10 years, could not even have the common courtesy of even an apology.

 

Well, yesterday, I got it. The apology. And with that came a stream of emotions with it. Saddness, lonely, confusions, peace.... you name it. It did make me feel better that I was at least acknowledged as a human being, but reading it.... I got pissed. It seemed like the apology was wrapped in feeling sorry for him. REALLY????? MY APOLOGY HAS TO BE ABOUT HIM????? Jesus. So, I wondered if I wasn't picking him apart, since I have grown to really think he is a Narcassist. I will share the "apology" with you, and I would like to know what everyone see's from it and tell me if i'm misreading it....

 

"oh my God, I just heard about you. Are you OK? I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. My guilt that I have never been there for you is too much to bare. I really am more sorry than you will ever know."

I guess he is referring to a few weeks ago, right after our NC began, I was in the hospital briefly for a collapsed lung.

 

So, what I see is him having a pity party. "his guilt is unbarable"..... so is this about his guilt or about my apology and what he has done to me??? OR am I being too harsh and since I essentially really don't like him (still love him, but don't like who I see he is).

 

Luckily this email came about an hour before I went to my therapist. We disussed it and she said she could see what I was thinking. We talked about me responding. As I have a lot of things I would like to say to this MF. She told me to take the time and think about responding, and if I feel that it is best for me, and will help me to do it. I agreed and haven't responding to it as of yet.

 

So, what do you guys think??? is this about me helping him relieve his guilt??? Is he concerned??? is he just trying to widdle his way back in???

 

I really appreciate again, all your support and help in things. I value your opinions, thats why I'm bringing it to all of you..

 

Thanks, you are all such precious people!!!

 

XOXOXOXO

[FightClub]

This may not be what you want to hear but I don't think you should respond, your emotions are stilll deeply rooted in this and could lead to further poor choices.

 

You got the closest thing to closure he will give you, anything else will lead you down the path of uncertainty again, you've made great progress, don't stop here. Keep moving forward.

 

Godspeed,

-FC

[Spark1111]

All of the above.

 

Trust your gut now. It is all about him, Always has been.

 

Ignore it.

 

Don't open the door to give him head or heart space. It will not change a thing.

 

You are hoping for closure and introspection and resolution that will never come the way you want.

 

He will not immediately change, the light bulb will NOT go off, he will not be remorseful for being a cad or a user or a fence-sitter.

 

Always judge a man by his actions, or the lack thereof.

 

Of course he was never there enough for you. He was married and unwilling to leave for a very long time. His knee-jerk reaction, should you grow angry, will be to immediately think, "well, she knew I was married, I couldn't be there for her if I wanted to."

 

Show him you no longer accept crumbs or lip service to poor behavior.

 

Right out your response, hurl all your epithets, all your rage, all your sadness, and do not send it.

[wannabdone]

This may not be what you want to hear but I don't think you should respond, your emotions are stilll deeply rooted in this and could lead to further poor choices.

 

You got the closest thing to closure he will give you, anything else will lead you down the path of uncertainty again, you've made great progress, don't stop here. Keep moving forward.

 

Godspeed,

-FC

 

 

Thx FC, I really do appreciate your input. And am glad you actually responded to it. I value your opinion. I have thought about not responding, and I haven't decided if I even will. Again, I am going to do what I need, not what he needs. As of right now.... I'm not going to do anything.

 

But, can I ask you what you see from the message itself? Do you see what I see in it? What do you think his reasoning is behind it?

 

I am a person who always has to try to understand what the f someone is trying to accomplish. I dunno why. I think it will help me decide on what is best for me. If hes just trying to get me to release his guilt.... well I won't do that for him. If he is trying to just widdle his way back in...that I won't give him either. I will not go back to this. So, what do you think he email says to you?

[wannabdone]

All of the above.

 

Trust your gut now. It is all about him, Always has been.

 

Ignore it.

 

Don't open the door to give him head or heart space. It will not change a thing.

 

You are hoping for closure and introspection and resolution that will never come the way you want.

 

He will not immediately change, the light bulb will NOT go off, he will not be remorseful for being a cad or a user or a fence-sitter.

 

Always judge a man by his actions, or the lack thereof.

 

Of course he was never there enough for you. He was married and unwilling to leave for a very long time. His knee-jerk reaction, should you grow angry, will be to immediately think, "well, she knew I was married, I couldn't be there for her if I wanted to."

 

Show him you no longer accept crumbs or lip service to poor behavior.

 

Right out your response, hurl all your epithets, all your rage, all your sadness, and do not send it.

 

Thx spark.... I thought about doing that as well. Writing out everything as to how much of a bastard I think he is and how I never want to see him again, and then burning it. That is what has kept me from replying.... I could write everything to him and tell him how much I despise him....but would it do any good? I guess it would make me feel better that I told him. I know it won't change him, I've gotten long past the notion that he will ever be who I want or need. I was just wanting to tell him how awful I think he is for me. I thought if I didn't say anything, it would be too much like the prior NC's. And he would think that the door was still cracked a little. I have NEVER told this man, exactly how I felt about him. Thats the only reason I contiplated it. Just to change my behaviors from the past.

 

So...you do see this as him making it about him???? And you do think he is just trying to widdle his way in??? What was different was there was no "i love you's" no "i miss you"....that kind of threw me off. So I wondered...maybe he is just trying to apologize. Maybe he isn't trying to get back in.

[woinlove]

I agree with FC about not responding. I think responding is high risk as you are likely not to get the response you want and it may trigger more emotions that you will need to work harder at overcoming.

 

As to the apology, is that the whole thing? because it doesn't say what he is actually sorry for. Is he sorry about your medical problem? - that's what it sounds like. The line about his guilt implies he is sorry for not being there for you, but he doesn't simply say that. "more than you will ever know" sounds generic. My take is this apology lacks addressing exactly what he is sorry for and acknowledging whatever he did that he is apologizing for. Maybe it is just meant to be a "sorry you are sick" type message in which case I would read the guilt and more than you know comments as him trying to make sure you still think of him as a good guy.

[wannabdone]

I agree with FC about not responding. I think responding is high risk as you are likely not to get the response you want and it may trigger more emotions that you will need to work harder at overcoming.

 

As to the apology, is that the whole thing? because it doesn't say what he is actually sorry for. Is he sorry about your medical problem? - that's what it sounds like. The line about his guilt implies he is sorry for not being there for you, but he doesn't simply say that. "more than you will ever know" sounds generic. My take is this apology lacks addressing exactly what he is sorry for and acknowledging whatever he did that he is apologizing for. Maybe it is just meant to be a "sorry you are sick" type message in which case I would read the guilt and more than you know comments as him trying to make sure you still think of him as a good guy.

 

Thx WIL.... The very thing about this man that has made me insane is he never is direct. NEVER. Its always round about answers, never saying exactly what he is talking about. Over the last three weeks, I have looked at that and wondered what kind of game that was??? Was it always keeping me on the edge of my seat??? Is this just a way of doing that so I will respond with "what the hell are you sorry about"????

 

This very thing that he has done has been more exhausting that you will ever know. As I am probably about the most direct person, sometimes to a fault than you will know. I think I have become more direct through this R as I have seen how not being can make people want to go go insane.

[Owl]

I'd say that you shouldn't worry about whether or not anyone else sees this as "about him" or "about you".

 

It's over.

 

Walk away. You got some kind of apology...count that as closure if you need to, but at this point mark that chapter of your life as over, and start on the next one.

[wannabdone]

I'd say that you shouldn't worry about whether or not anyone else sees this as "about him" or "about you".

 

It's over.

 

Walk away. You got some kind of apology...count that as closure if you need to, but at this point mark that chapter of your life as over, and start on the next one.

 

 

Thx Owl..... you are probably right. I should just chalk this up to that again, I will never get what I need. And that is it.

 

Again, easier said than done. But very good point.

[FightClub]

No one knows what the purpose of your exMM's letter, well actually only he knows why he sent it and quite frankly at the same time if you were to ask him he won't know either, it sounds to me more like an attempt to see if you'll respond.

 

As woinlove said, it lacks any direct meaning, it's just very random and useless to even think about.

 

Don't look for the meaning in this message because it probably was not meant to be anything more than something for you to think about him, in essence, putting you back in that frame of mind.

 

Think of it this way, something so small has triggered all this thought, is that really what you want? to stay hooked? of course not.

 

Don't give this letter anymore meaning, it's a moment of weakness for him to see if you'll cave in again.

 

He already knows how you feel, after ten years, it's not a matter of what he doesn't know but rather what he does. Trust me, he knows even if it hasn't been mentioned.

 

What matters is what you know today, that you are worth so much more than this and there is so much more in the world available to you as you move past this point in your life. Only you can control yourself, be the one who takes control.

 

 

Shield your heart, delete the e-mail and continue NC, it's whats best for both of you.

 

-FC

[Spark1111]

I agree with FC about not responding. I think responding is high risk as you are likely not to get the response you want and it may trigger more emotions that you will need to work harder at overcoming.

 

As to the apology, is that the whole thing? because it doesn't say what he is actually sorry for. Is he sorry about your medical problem? - that's what it sounds like. The line about his guilt implies he is sorry for not being there for you, but he doesn't simply say that. "more than you will ever know" sounds generic. My take is this apology lacks addressing exactly what he is sorry for and acknowledging whatever he did that he is apologizing for. Maybe it is just meant to be a "sorry you are sick" type message in which case I would read the guilt and more than you know comments as him trying to make sure you still think of him as a good guy.

 

Great point!

 

Why do some people go through life with maybe good intentions, but avoid conflict at all costs?

 

Because they live in fear someone may actually call them on it and make them accountable as they leave this wake of destruction in their paths.

 

They are always apologizing, but never changing. They always want everyone to think well of them as they lie, avoid, and run away.

 

They can't bear criticism or confrontation.

 

Does he miss you? Or the way you made him feel? Like a good guy.

 

Again, it is all about him.

 

Respond kindly, he thinks you see him STILL as a good guy. He can feel less guilty and maybe widdle back in as long as you still treat him like a good guy.

 

Go crazy angry? He will have guilt, but not true remorse., True remorse makes people change their outlook and behaviors for the better.

 

Why bother at all? Focus on you and your healing and your changes for the better.

[Spark1111]

Thx WIL.... The very thing about this man that has made me insane is he never is direct. NEVER. Its always round about answers, never saying exactly what he is talking about. Over the last three weeks, I have looked at that and wondered what kind of game that was??? Was it always keeping me on the edge of my seat??? Is this just a way of doing that so I will respond with "what the hell are you sorry about"????

 

This very thing that he has done has been more exhausting that you will ever know. As I am probably about the most direct person, sometimes to a fault than you will know. I think I have become more direct through this R as I have seen how not being can make people want to go go insane.

 

It's called conflict avoidance combined with poor communication skills which are the two most common traits of cheaters.

 

They are obtuse by design. They SAY ANYTHING to appear like the good guy and diffuse your anger and....yep, avoid conflict.

 

Can you imagine marriage to a person like this? When reality encroaches, let's pretend it will all just go away.

 

You dodged a bullet.

[wannabdone]

[/b]

 

Great point!

 

Why do some people go through life with maybe good intentions, but avoid conflict at all costs?

 

Because they live in fear someone may actually call them on it and make them accountable as they leave this wake of destruction in their paths.

 

They are always apologizing, but never changing. They always want everyone to think well of them as they lie, avoid, and run away.

 

They can't bear criticism or confrontation.

 

Does he miss you? Or the way you made him feel? Like a good guy.

 

Again, it is all about him.

 

Respond kindly, he thinks you see him STILL as a good guy. He can feel less guilty and maybe widdle back in as long as you still treat him like a good guy.

 

Go crazy angry? He will have guilt, but not true remorse., True remorse makes people change their outlook and behaviors for the better.

 

Why bother at all? Focus on you and your healing and your changes for the better.

 

 

Wow Spark..... that is wonderful. Thank you!!!!!

You are right!!!

 

You know what.... just to vent. The fact that you are right, he still thinks I see him as a good guy, pisses me off to no existent. I mean CTFO!!!!

 

Here is one thing I feel good about.....GROWTH!!!! In the past, I would have immediately responded. I wouldn't have been harsh, I wouldn't have told him how I really felt. I would have said he hurt me, but I would have sugar coated it. The fact that it has been over a day, and I haven't....and I have actually sat and took the time to look at it all and figure it out, and think about what MY NEEDS were in this, is HUGE!!!!

 

Might be small, but its a step. baby steps are steps too....right???

[Summer Breeze]

I don't know your story and don't have loads of time to go back and read it all. I'm going to give you my thoughts on what's written here.

 

You're in NC and you need closure. This says to me NC was forced upon you. It was either a dday or he decided to go and put his M back together. Either way it seems to me the choice was his. I'd probably send back a quick text/email to him saying 'thanks for your concern but it's not necessary'. I'd copy his W. He can't have it both ways anymore and by starting NC he shouldn't get away with it.

 

If I'm wrong and you walked away I'd send a message thanking him for his concern and let him know that if he does it again then you'll be sending that message and any others on to his W.

 

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[Circular]

Well firstly I agree that you should just stay NC, you definitely don't want to open a wound and rewind all the good work you've done. Trust me, you'll be back at the beginning all over again, it sucks.

 

Was that all he wrote? The brevity after 25 days is pretty surprising. I know if it was me writing it would be a pretty lengthy email, especially if I was apologizing. The other thing I'd look at is his 'my and I' usage rather than his emphasis on the pain and suffering he's caused you it's about his guilt, his heart, his pain.

 

Like another poster said, this is probably the extent of closure you'll get at least for now. After the length of time between you two I'm sure there is bound to be more attempts at communication, there is a long history there.

 

Keep being strong! Focus on you! Be good to yourself

[Spark1111]

Wow Spark..... that is wonderful. Thank you!!!!!

You are right!!!

 

You know what.... just to vent. The fact that you are right, he still thinks I see him as a good guy, pisses me off to no existent. I mean CTFO!!!!

 

Here is one thing I feel good about.....GROWTH!!!! In the past, I would have immediately responded. I wouldn't have been harsh, I wouldn't have told him how I really felt. I would have said he hurt me, but I would have sugar coated it. The fact that it has been over a day, and I haven't....and I have actually sat and took the time to look at it all and figure it out, and think about what MY NEEDS were in this, is HUGE!!!!

 

Might be small, but its a step. baby steps are steps too....right???

 

Baby steps are the only true growth, like dieting....1 to 2 lbs a week is the only permanent weight loss!

 

Be very proud of yourself!

 

Identifying your own feelings and being able to communicate them clearly and directly is the true path to a healthy relationship. And it is hard!

 

It's a tough process, one that takes some of us longer than others.

 

Some people? They never get there.

 

And in a long-term relationship, how are you going to sugar coat the cesspool is backing up, the baby is sick, I need to sleep before I go insane, so please be prepared to do it all when you get home from work?

[wannabdone]

Baby steps are the only true growth, like dieting....1 to 2 lbs a week is the only permanent weight loss!

 

Be very proud of yourself!

 

Identifying your own feelings and being able to communicate them clearly and directly is the true path to a healthy relationship. And it is hard!

 

It's a tough process, one that takes some of us longer than others.

 

Some people? They never get there.

 

And in a long-term relationship, how are you going to sugar coat the cesspool is backing up, the baby is sick, I need to sleep before I go insane, so please be prepared to do it all when you get home from work?

 

 

Well said... and all true. Thanks to you Spark.

[MissBee]

This may not be what you want to hear but I don't think you should respond, your emotions are stilll deeply rooted in this and could lead to further poor choices.

 

You got the closest thing to closure he will give you, anything else will lead you down the path of uncertainty again, you've made great progress, don't stop here. Keep moving forward.

 

Godspeed,

-FC

 

Agreed.

 

I received an apology a year post NC after my A ended and I felt it was genuine. It was filled with humility. There were no demands and no expectations of how I was supposed to feel, no lofty dramatic emotions and no talk of him feeling so bad for himself and so on. He expressed why things ended abruptly, the fact that he did in fact think about me and it did hurt him, why he felt he needed to disappear, truthful and realistic analysis of the relationship and the fact that it had no future and he left it up to me to forgive or believe him and stated explicitly that he doesn't expect me to believe but he just wants to be honest. Part of it had to be about him....apologies and seeking forgiveness always are about you to a degree but at that point I could tell most of it wasn't his anguish and me granting him forgiveness to move on, but doing the right thing.

 

Then there was my most recent ex........all his apologies were pretty much a case of "Okay, I think I should be sorry, don't know what for...but the sooner I say sorry the sooner I can not feel bad and the sooner I can start being selfish and requesting things again". His apologies NEVER addressed the actual problem, or skirted around it, or half-assed it and were just shallow beyond measure. This dude sounds about the same, in terms of, what you've complained about is not what he's apologizing for OP. Of course he isn't a complete monster who is happy you were in the hospital; he feels sorry for you about that misfortune but seems to have no awareness about what you're REALLY upset about and surely isn't apologizing for his behavior or anything relating to the relationship and he also is in no way promising to do anything differently.

[half_ofa_heart]

That apology was all about HIM!!!! As the others have said, take it as closure cuz its the closest thing you're gonna get.

 

I don't like to believe that ANY relationship is a waste - take it as a learning experience and one that you know you never want to experience again!!!!

 

If you did have a life with him... it would always be ABOUT HIM! You want and deserve better than that. Make up for 10 years of putting him first by spending the next 10 putting YOU first. Start with baby steps and take the next 10 minutes and do something for yourself. Then, the next 10 days; then weeks, then months... By putting yourself first, it tells everyone around you that you demand respect. Without respect, you have no worth while relationships. Start with YOU - You are what matters most!

[wannabdone]

That apology was all about HIM!!!! As the others have said, take it as closure cuz its the closest thing you're gonna get.

 

I don't like to believe that ANY relationship is a waste - take it as a learning experience and one that you know you never want to experience again!!!!

 

If you did have a life with him... it would always be ABOUT HIM! You want and deserve better than that. Make up for 10 years of putting him first by spending the next 10 putting YOU first. Start with baby steps and take the next 10 minutes and do something for yourself. Then, the next 10 days; then weeks, then months... By putting yourself first, it tells everyone around you that you demand respect. Without respect, you have no worth while relationships. Start with YOU - You are what matters most!

 

thx hoh...

 

i had posted on your thread early. How are you doing?

[4321sn]

It does seem like the apology is all about him. For him to let you know how difficult this has been for him. He's trying to get you to feel sorry for him because narcissistic people can't deal with anyone thinking poorly of them.

 

Idk...my BF formerly MM used to and still does say crap like that all the time...

 

Grrrrr! You are doing well...I have been following your story and and impressed and proud of you.

[wannabdone]

It does seem like the apology is all about him. For him to let you know how difficult this has been for him. He's trying to get you to feel sorry for him because narcissistic people can't deal with anyone thinking poorly of them.

 

Idk...my BF formerly MM used to and still does say crap like that all the time...

 

Grrrrr! You are doing well...I have been following your story and and impressed and proud of you.

 

thx 4321..... I know they care about what people think of them, but really don't. Its more of they will tell you how you should think of them more than anything.

This man has and does drive me crazy. Its so ridiciulous that he would even think that an apology directly followed by his feelings is okay. What an ass.

[So Very Confused]

"oh my God, I just heard about you. Are you OK? I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. My guilt that I have never been there for you is too much to bare. I really am more sorry than you will ever know."

 

I'm a lot like you. I always obsess about why someone did what they did or said what they said. Sometimes I think it helps and sometimes I think it could be an avoidance behavior. IDK I'm glad someone else does the same thing though.

 

I read that as being more about him: HE just heard. HE is so sorry. HIS heart hurts. HIS guilt that he wasn't there (not guilt about his behavior - just that he wasn't there)... HE is more sorry than you'll ever know. There was only once sentence about you.

 

It sucks but it sounds like his apology was more for his own benefit than yours.

 

It's probably just to keep the door open so he can come back at some point. The one thing I've learned about controllers is that not responding drives them crazier than any response you could give. If you express what a jerk he is, he'll feel justified in what he did and he probably isn't capable of hearing/understanding anything you say anyway. He can't hear you over how awesome he thinks he is.

 

So respond if you want or don't. It's really all about you and what you want.

[Gentlegirl]

If his guilt and sorrow are too much to bear????? Why the hell is he not with you, I am wondering.

 

It's over and his motives don't matter anymore.

 

I would say ignore the pathetic scrap of rot that he sent you. is that all he could muster after a 10 year A? You've peobably heard it all before over the ten year affair and know that it means sweet **** all.

 

If you are going to reply, search deep down inside yourself to be sure that you arent using it to get back in touch with him. Sometimes it's easy to fool ourselves.

 

For a long time there was a small part of me that really wanted that closure with xMM. I had it not too long ago when he started to view me on a dating website.... that did it for me. It told me all I would ever need to know.

 

I urge you not to get involved with him in any way. The emotional ties will still be dormant and it could lead you back to that dreadful place you were when we all first got to know you.

 

All my best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

[wannabdone]

I'm a lot like you. I always obsess about why someone did what they did or said what they said. Sometimes I think it helps and sometimes I think it could be an avoidance behavior. IDK I'm glad someone else does the same thing though.

 

I read that as being more about him: HE just heard. HE is so sorry. HIS heart hurts. HIS guilt that he wasn't there (not guilt about his behavior - just that he wasn't there)... HE is more sorry than you'll ever know. There was only once sentence about you.

 

It sucks but it sounds like his apology was more for his own benefit than yours.

 

It's probably just to keep the door open so he can come back at some point. The one thing I've learned about controllers is that not responding drives them crazier than any response you could give. If you express what a jerk he is, he'll feel justified in what he did and he probably isn't capable of hearing/understanding anything you say anyway. He can't hear you over how awesome he thinks he is.

 

So respond if you want or don't. It's really all about you and what you want.

 

 

Thank you SVC!!! I totally agree with what you are saying. That is EXACTLY WHAT I SAW!!! Me, I'm , me......

 

I know that a response for him will fall on deaf ears. I want to do what is right for ME!!! Enough with worrying about what is right with him. The problem is that we have been in this back and forth **** for years. I have always went NC when he decided it. Never kept calling and begging....I would never. He has never given me an explanation, and it has always been to keep the door open, and I have never given him the "**** off" email, and that has always been to keep the door open. So, although it would probably fall on deaf ears, that is why I have thought about sending him a response that said something to the fact of "is this "apology" about you or me", and the tell him how big of a coward and POS I think he is and I want nothing to do with him. I'm afraid if I say nothing, he will think he is cool. And when he wants, he will be back. I don't think hes ready to see me actually, if he was there would be a lot of I love you or i miss you. But I do think he is trying to keep that effin foot in the door. So, I battle. I still haven't sent anything, and I won't until I have weighed all of the opions. But whatever I do will be for the benefit of me and not for him, and I will even tell him that in the email IF I infact decide to. And I totally agree it drives them crazy when there is no response. One thing I know is that his smug and pompus ass probably hasn't even checked yet if I responded. He will wait a couple of more days, and will sit down in front of his computer probably expecting my name to pop up when he opens it and when he doesn't see one, hahahahaha.... I would love to see the look on his face. So even if I do, I won't until I know at least that has happened. I'm taking my time, weighing my options and deciding what will help me heal.

 

I have always tried to really understand people and what they do and say and even down to their body language. This is somethin I started years ago. I've always wanted to know and understand why the people that are around me do what they do, I've always felt like I could help them better if I did so. But also, I started this due to some things that has happened to me, and I think as a defense mechanism. There are somethings that have happened to me that are just too painful to think that people actually did them, just because they are awful people. So, when you get to those points where you can't figure out why they did what they do....it just blows you away, cause you are realizing they did do it cause they are awful.

 

I read your thread, and my heart goes out to you. I've been through and done everything you have and are going through. I'm praying for you and that you will find strength.