I need all of you she's with someone

[livingitup23]

Hope it come's across well. I've had no reply but nor do I want one. I am feeling a lot better about myself and I am going to change for me.

[Hurting123]

 

When my ex left me for someone else without so much as a word, we didn't have contact and then 3 weeks later (after some cooling off and reflection) I did message him where I learned some of the more/different I could have done. Honestly that hurt more than anything he had done because now instead of anger and sadness, I felt regret. Now instead of being mad at him, I was mad at myself. Even thought he still chose her, made no effort to communicate on these issues to me, didn't admit his wrongs in any of this, I lost some of my anger toward him. And it just made me miss him and want to tell him how much better I could be blah blah.

 

I of course keep this to myself;), many dumpers will tell you the pleading-your-case just makes them want you less. If he wants me, he knows the number.

 

Yes in hindsight you regret contacting him because it didnt get you what you wanted. But now you know. U got ur closure no matter how harsh. What was the alternative. You never contacted and you would still be wondering what happen and if you should have done this or that.

Don't you sleep better knowing you had no options left.

 

When someone needs a break or space.. No contact is a good policy.

But when someone leaves you for someone else. ITS OVER.

[Hurting123]

Hope it come's across well. I've had no reply but nor do I want one. I am feeling a lot better about myself and I am going to change for me.

 

Of all the things you could say... I don't think you said it right.

Giving her the option of coming back to you one day is not closure for you.

 

You feel better now but in a few days your going to feel the same again.

 

If you message her. Ask her questions. Get a response. Don't leave things open ended like that.

 

And NO to friends. You can't be friends with someone who drops you for someone else. Can you think of one person who is friends with someone who dropped them for someone else.

 

Tell her about the great times you had and how much you miss her and how you wish you could be with her. But no friends. Ur not being honest with ur feelings.

[M2155]

Thats my point, contacting did no good. Knowing why does not change the fact that it happened and it's over. There was nothing at that moment that would have changed his mind. Closure is your acceptance of the situation, not the other person telling you why it happened. I do not regret the contact because I learned something, but to lvm's comment I wish I had not and it just opened up wounds that were on their way to healing.

 

The OPs situation, he has contacted her already and it sounds like he knows where he stands. If it's a done deal and he thinks it will make him feel better, he'll do it. But since it doesn't sound like it will add any value in getting her back or helping him move as he's so freshly hurt right now.

[Surfer Girl]

After I wanted him back and he rejected me my last words... Thank You....I found the closure I needed... I will never contact him again...I needed that closure as he was giving me mixed signals... Once said and done... I know I can move on now...Closure does give some relief... as you tried and did what you felt at the time... That is when you know you can never contact them again...

[Hurting123]

After I wanted him back and he rejected me my last words... Thank You....I found the closure I needed... I will never contact him again...I needed that closure as he was giving me mixed signals... Once said and done... I know I can move on now...Closure does give some relief... as you tried and did what you felt at the time... That is when you know you can never contact them again...

 

Exactly. I needed that too. For her to say "move on".

Because the next day you wake up still in just as much pain but at least you know it's over and now the real grieving begins.

 

I don't believe in this NC policy. It leaves the situation open.

And you then spend the next few months wondering if there is still a chance.

 

I also think the NC policy is manipulative. I've read all about it. And how it's your best option if you want them back. But really playing it cool and pretending that you don't care so that they might change their mind and want you again is manipulative. If they don't want you.. They don't want you and the mind games will only cause more pain in the future.

 

Of course this is a generalization. Each situation might be different. But for our case here... It's hopeless either way so I'd advise for complete closure instead of NC.

[Hurting123]

JayZ- either way you lose me... Momma let loose of me

[shortee143]

It really is true- sometimes we need that push to move on, whether being told...or in my case, my ex moving on to his new gf. It still hurts a lot, but the moment I knew he was with her, I kinda felt better (yes, better...but worse too haha)...but I knew he was with someone else, so there was no use in holding on, not point in trying, or contacting him, or waiting for him to come back..once I knew he was with her, I knew that there was nothing left at this point to do. i woulda fought for him, had that been what he wanted...but sometimes we do just need to move on, and sometimes we need that push from our ex to do so. I still find it hard bc I see him with her often (him and I are in same social circle), but it still has given me my push, so to say.

[insaneinthebrain]

just walk away and try and heal thats all you can do ..

[livingitup23]

That's all I can do. Accept she's gone. But there's hope there still. That will also go after a while won't it. I don't need her texting me and I don't think she will. I have been discarded now and I think she's finally realised my emotions don't allow us to be friends. She will never ever say sorry for the hurt she has caused though.

[silly_panda]

There will always be hope as long as you think that you have... That's why it's so hard for many people to move on... They keep on hoping even they know there is no hope...

 

For me to eliminate the hope (slowly)... Is to accept reality and take it as it is... Sometimes it's just a mind game... I need to tell myself 'she is not coming back, she doesn't love me anymore, move the f*ck on'... I do agree getting closure or a definite 'no' answer from your ex helps... I got my closure when my ex girlfriend told me that she accepted someone else three days after our break up...

 

Again... NC is not a game to get your ex back... NC is for us to move on with our life and heal... NC is not what make your ex comes back (if they ever do)... They come back because they still love you and wanna be with you... That's it...

[sleepykitten]

nc is the only way, the longest i did it for was 2 weeks and i felt so much better, then my ex called, we met up and i was back to feeling crap again, but that showed me though even though i was strong, didnt show him how i felt, and really it was only the next day i started having all those doubts and sadness again. I decided nc is the best option for me. I too wanted closure, well really i wanted him to show some regret and remorse for all his lies and how he treated me, but i realise that his behaviour is not a reflection of my character but of his, and he is quite deluded in that he really feels he has said sorry and really doesnt know how much he hurt me, either that or he doesnt care, i dont know he gave out too many mixed signals, says one thing does another. I know i wont ever get any show of personal accountability and it was my ego that wanted him to want me back, i dont want him back i can see him for his true colours and months before we broke up I knew i should have left, i knew it wouldnt have worked out. Thats not to say i dont have my bad days. My ex also met someone 3 days after our split and when i found out 2 mths later that hurt more than us breaking up as he had lied so much. Now though I dont feel that physical pain when i think of it, am sure it will come back every now and then but my thoughts arent as obbsessive, last week it was constant, i had such a headach on friday night-couple of margarhitas and a good night out sorted it though. This will be the beginning of my second week of nc and i am totally embracing it this time!!

[livingitup23]

She hasn't replied to my message about wishing her luck with her new life. Doesn't she care what I think? She goes on holiday tomorrow for two weeks. Should I ring her or text her today to tell her how much I love her, how much pain I am in and that I miss her and want her. She knows though. I told her enough during this period of breaking up. It's just I always thought oh she's single. She will come back. But she hasn't. Would a text be counterproductive. Do I just put it down to a bad experience, get on with my life however hard that may be for a while and try and change for the best or do I give it that final shot the day before she goes on holiday. I mean that's two weeks enforced non contact so wouldn't it be a good idea to send that last hurrah?

[Mack05]

She hasn't replied to my message about wishing her luck with her new life. Doesn't she care what I think? She goes on holiday tomorrow for two weeks. Should I ring her or text her today to tell her how much I love her, how much pain I am in and that I miss her and want her. She knows though. I told her enough during this period of breaking up. It's just I always thought oh she's single. She will come back. But she hasn't. Would a text be counterproductive. Do I just put it down to a bad experience, get on with my life however hard that may be for a while and try and change for the best or do I give it that final shot the day before she goes on holiday. I mean that's two weeks enforced non contact so wouldn't it be a good idea to send that last hurrah?

 

Mate you're not thinking clearly!!.Yesterday you posted this "I'm disappearing now. I've said what I need to say and this is the best I've felt for a while". Today you post the above. Your emotions are literally all over the place. Trust me, your ex see's this and any attempt to contact her just drives her further and further away. I don't think she can make it any clearer that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Leave her go mate and focus on your healing. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by texting her. She will not reply or tell u to politely **** off and you will end up feeling worse. Much worse..

 

U need to train your mind into accepting she is never coming back and even if she, did why would you want to take her back!? Focus on rebuilding your self esteem, because a person with good self esteem would not tolerate such shoddy treatment.

 

You need to start letting go and go through your grieving and then your healing. No matter how uncomfortable you feel, DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT. This part is hard I won't lie, but right now you need to get back to the best version of you. Learn from the mistakes of the relationship and when the time is right (after you have put the hard work into yourself) you will be ready to meet the right woman. A woman who will ALWAYS choose you, all of the time for the rest of your life..

 

Here is a guide to NC I posted...Read it carefully mate. There is some good stuff in there. Read points 3 and 4 carefully..

 

"I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Y.../dp/B0026A6C4U

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better..."

Edited September 12, 2011 by Mack05

[stillafool]

I've had no reply but nor do I want one.

 

I don't need her texting me and I don't think she will. .

 

She hasn't replied to my message about wishing her luck with her new life. Doesn't she care what I think?

 

See this is why NC is essential. You are setting yourself back by contacting her. Leave her alone. She has made her choice and the fact that she isn't responding is telling you she has moved on. I am so sorry you are in pain but if you don't go complete NC you will never heal. Your contacting her is not going to change her mind and make her come back.

[M2155]

I knew you were going to still feel this way:(

 

I 100% agree with Mack05 (and I need to work on #4). The thing about getting a response or getting answers that you think you want is that it just opens up more questions in your mind. There is always going to be something else you wonder about or want to know or will second guess. Like someone said, especially when we know they went to someone else...there is nothing left to close. If she had responded, you would feel a twinge of hope even though you may know its breadcrumbs.

 

I stand by my comment before, delete her number!! Make a goal to go 10 or 20 days with no contact and then repeat. If you want to vent, vent here! I'm at about 1.5 months and there are soooo many things (like happy couples:sick:) that make me tear up and think of him. But people have got over these things before and we will too!