livingitup23 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 My ex is with someone now. I sent her a text saying decide between me and him. And then I sent her a text saying why did she lie to me and why did she say there was a chance between us and that she broke my heart. I've had no reply. On Sunday she told me there was nobody so why she's done this to me? Why was she asking me to get her stuff for her dad? Should I ring her to see what's going down?. Ever since we split up we have been in regular contact meeting up and now she's met someone she's going to discard me completely out of her life. That time we were meant to meet she texted me five minutes before we were expected to meet texting me she couldnt make it. I can't take the fact that she's going to be making love with him, spending all her time with him. Whereas I'm just completely lost. What makes it worse is I have to see her everyday! She works at my place so I'll never get over her. I just want to keep texting her but I don't want to sound weird. But why's she lied to me. I need help. I feel physically ill. I've told her that she wont hear from me again but I'll never get those images out of my mind of her with someone else. And she got with him this morning. I need to ring her. I know her number of by heart as well. What do I do now? She will never text me again. What about if she loves this guy? Help me. I need to do something. How do I get her back?
Author livingitup23 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Should I send her a text saying I need closure. Is that us done now or is there any chance in the future? She's chosen someone else but I would still take her back. I'm frightened that she will text me in the future just wanting to reconnect as friends and what about if he doesnt want her in the future and she comes back. I don't want to be a second choice. I'm devastated. I need to get out of here.
KathyM Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 My ex is with someone now. I sent her a text saying decide between me and him. And then I sent her a text saying why did she lie to me and why did she say there was a chance between us and that she broke my heart. I've had no reply. On Sunday she told me there was nobody so why she's done this to me? Why was she asking me to get her stuff for her dad? Should I ring her to see what's going down?. Ever since we split up we have been in regular contact meeting up and now she's met someone she's going to discard me completely out of her life. That time we were meant to meet she texted me five minutes before we were expected to meet texting me she couldnt make it. I can't take the fact that she's going to be making love with him, spending all her time with him. Whereas I'm just completely lost. What makes it worse is I have to see her everyday! She works at my place so I'll never get over her. I just want to keep texting her but I don't want to sound weird. But why's she lied to me. I need help. I feel physically ill. I've told her that she wont hear from me again but I'll never get those images out of my mind of her with someone else. And she got with him this morning. I need to ring her. I know her number of by heart as well. What do I do now? She will never text me again. What about if she loves this guy? Help me. I need to do something. How do I get her back? She's made her choice. Don't contact her. You'd just be making yourself miserable by doing that. Force yourself to move on and seek a relationship with someone else. If working with her is too painful for you, you may want to start looking for another job. That's the problem with romantic relationships with people you work with. If the relationship goes bad, it makes your work life unpleasant.
Author livingitup23 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 How do I get over it though? She didnt even explain herself to me. Why did she stay in my life as "friends" and tell me there was a chance between us in the future? Was she just keeping me as a rebound? A second choice? Should I send one last text saying is that us done or do you see a future between us? I couldn't bring myself to ever get back with her now though? I just want to forget her and feel good about myself again. I want to ring her so bad just to find out why she's with him and not me.
M2155 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Do not call or text her. You gave her an ultimatium (him or me?) and she made her choice clear, plus you have already seen yourself that her words do not match her feelings. My ex was the same way, going through the motions like everything is okay and then pulling the rug from under me the next, but they were pulling away all along. This is where love makes a fool of us and she would never want to be with you out of guilt. Don't do it. You have to keep your composure around her if you have to be around her. She probably does not want to deal with your feelings right now as she is dealing with her own. Start the process of letting go. Become a better person and one day she'll realize what she missed.
CaliBabe Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Livingitup, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, trust that alot of us have been there. I will tell you right now that calling her and texting her over and over will get you nowhere and make you look really bad. Women do not like men who come off as desparate or as if they are unable to exist without them. Women like men who are strong, mascaline and who can stand their ground... With or without them. Women like manly men. She has already made her choice. You must accept that. Walk away with your dignity, that is all you have left. You need to completely separate yourself from her. Go NC and keep it NC. I know you work with her but try to act like she doesn't exist and do not let her see you weak or vunerable. That kind of strength will really make her take notice... That she does not have that kind of hold on you. You are your own person and you can get through this. God would not put you through something he didn't think you could make it out of. I would HIGHLY suggest hanging with the boys and spending some time alone to find who you really are. Many times when we are in relationships we lose sight of ourselves... Of our identity. Once you find yourself you will never let ANYONE treat you this way. Best of luck to you.
ConfusedT Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 DO NOT under any circumstances call or text her. You gave her a choice, although you shouldnt have! She made it! She wants him, it's pretty quick so might be a rebound, but regardless, you now need to leave her alone. Rejection is SO hard to deal with, but everyone gets hurt and heartbroken at one time, how you handle it will impact you for the rest of your life. You'll either look back and say, im so happy how i dealt with that. OR you'll look back and say, god how embarassing and laugh! either way, at some point, you need to start letting go. the initial stages are the WORST, it will get better and then get worse, but if you really LET GO, it will NEVER be as bad as it was in the beginning, i promise you that! We've all been there. i found out my x was with his xFWB while we were still together and had been our entire relationship! WTF??? but you know, karma will get him for what he did to me and how he left me all alone when i needed him. Literally, like 4 or 5 major events happened in my life when he was deciding to depart with his new girlfriend, yup! but it just means he wasnt meant for me. no reason to cry over spilt milk, whats done is done. pick up your head and smile!
KathyM Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 How do I get over it though? She didnt even explain herself to me. Why did she stay in my life as "friends" and tell me there was a chance between us in the future? Was she just keeping me as a rebound? A second choice? Should I send one last text saying is that us done or do you see a future between us? I couldn't bring myself to ever get back with her now though? I just want to forget her and feel good about myself again. I want to ring her so bad just to find out why she's with him and not me. It takes time. Oftentimes people have trouble breaking it off completely because it seems so final. So they suggest remaining friends, which usually doesn't work out, since one of the parties usually wants to be more than friends. She shouldn't have given you false hope though, or any hope, because that's really not fair to you, and prevents you from moving on with your life. Don't send that text. Resist the urge. It's not going to get you what you want. Focus your time and attention on other people and other things, and you will eventually be able to move past this.
wilsonx Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Well for your own sanity, you have to end all contact with her. Don't even tell her, just do it. One of the things you should from this is to stay away from people that do this, that jump from one relationship to the next. These are codependent people and in this day and age, relationships with them normally do not work because of their need to be happy is so strong that they honestly do not know what makes them happy. So for you, you need to find a way to make yourself happy. Find hobbies, spend time with friends/family. Set personal boundaries, let them go. Biggest thing I will advise you is to not ever let them back. I must have watched 20 plus people get back with their ex since I have seen them on the forum only to post 2-3 months later, that bitch did it again. Reflect on your relationship. Pick the things that you did not like about your ex and create red flags/personal boundaries. In future relationships, if these red flags pop up, either communicate them to your partner or walk and end the relationship Good luck
jay_mart Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 oh how your story is exactly like mine..i was in a 7 year relationship with a man i loved dearly..we had a great connection..very deep..well so i thought..we relocated to illinois for 5 years..we decided we werent happy there so i decided to move back to california and get things up and going..it was a few months i finally got the place and everything squaired away..we had regular contact everyday..telling me sweet nothings of his love and how he cant wit to see me..and then my ex neighbor tells me hes selling everyting in the house that he's moving..so i ask him if he was moving..he sez no..he just needed xtra cash..well last week i didnt hear from him..and then i find out he moved in with a new women to california..he'd been talking to..i am so devistate..he didnt even tell me..just led me on to believe this lie...how could someone do this..im so hert..havent stopped crying...i was sooo fooled..after 7 years and just one day this...my head is still spinning..i didnt see this coming at all..
jay_mart Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 what a coward...i feel used and distroied inside...and it makes me wonder...was our whole relationship a lie.?..im not a blind person..eather im stupid or he was just really good at his lies...he finally admited to me through a text..saying he was so despirate to get out of ilinois and he didnt tell me cuz he didnt wan to hert me..well he has hert me beyond..now i sit here wih the pain of him and her...im so down about myself..i wasnt even worth the truth..he shacked up with this women no mor than 3 months after our 7 year relationship..did we mean nothing to him????
KathyM Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 what a coward...i feel used and distroied inside...and it makes me wonder...was our whole relationship a lie.?..im not a blind person..eather im stupid or he was just really good at his lies...he finally admited to me through a text..saying he was so despirate to get out of ilinois and he didnt tell me cuz he didnt wan to hert me..well he has hert me beyond..now i sit here wih the pain of him and her...im so down about myself..i wasnt even worth the truth..he shacked up with this women no mor than 3 months after our 7 year relationship..did we mean nothing to him???? That's pretty cowardly. Some men (and some women) only really care about themselves, and don't concern themselves with the consequences for others, or what is fair to others, or have any notion of right or wrong. They do what they want, when they want it, and don't care who gets hurt in the process.
Author livingitup23 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Thanks. I have sounded very needy with her. I sent four texts saying choose me or him. She's made her choice now. I also sent her a text saying why did she do this to me? Giving me that false hope was the worst thing. That we still had a chance. Asking me to still be in her life and now she doesnt want me anywhere in it. All the doubts that's the worst thing. What has he got that I havent got. I've been so silly asking her how longs she's known him? Is it love? Who is he? Yes i've come across needy and desperate. But you know what maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Means I can finally move on with my life. I won't have to look at every text from her as a sign that she wants me back. I've got my closure so I can move on. I'm staying away from alcohol because thats when I get tempted to text her and I'm staying away from our nightlife in the town centre. I've been depressed for too long. If I meant anything to her she would have responded to me. Why should I sit and mope while she has the time of her life? If she texts me I'll ignore it. She's made her choice.
XxericexX Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I'm in the same situation. I gave her an ultimatum the day I caught her on the phone with the other guy. It seemed to go fine for me when she told the other guy she couldn't talk to him anymore but his response was "I can talk to whoever I want to." and their "last" conversation lasted almost a good 10-15 minutes...and I just walked out. That was 3 months ago, and ever since then I've been strung along because he was in a different country over the summer but they were still in contact. I spent nights with her knowing she has this other guy in mind, because in my mind I had hope that she would come back before they officially meet again. 2 weeks ago, she told me "I'm never coming back, and I won't call you if it helps". They let go of us when the deal is sealed, and we're stuck wondering if they'll ever feel regret...if it even matters 2 weeks NC, but I've made it through the weekend when I know they'd see eachother. If your ex is happy now, you should respect it. It's easier to tell someone that because I'm an outsider to your relationship, but you would probably tell me the same thing. Hope we both make the right decisions in the end.
collegeguy_24 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I haven't read this whole thread, just the opening post, and I can help you in this as I was in the same place last year. DO NOT CONTACT HER! When my ex left me I tried relentlessy to get her back and get the truth and all it did was push her further away. Trust me on this, going NC is the best thing you can do.
Author livingitup23 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Feel so lost. Does this pain ever go? Is it because we remained friends that it's still so raw? Why did she treat me like this? She moved on whilst I remained in limbo. Was she out of order telling me she was going to meet me and then telling me 5 minutes before that she couldnt make it? And why when I asked her on Sunday did she tell me she didnt have anyone? Do you meet people in 5 days lol? Has this guy always been around? And then she ignored my questions. I'm nothing to her nothing!!!!!!!! So I will never speak to her again!
fetish1980 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) livingitup23. I'm sorry you're going through this man. Believe me, i've been going through it all year long as the end of my 8 year relationship began slowly last December until we officially broke up in February this year. I know the horrible feeling. It's almost like a death and life suddenly feels so foreign. You almost don't even look at a sunny day the same because you don't want to picture life without your significant other. You don't even want to eat because of the sick feeling in your stomach Letting go is the hardest part of it all along with accepting the fact that they probably have been with someone else. Just know that just because they are with someone else doesn't mean that they're happy or have moved on. People that jump in to relationships very quickly are runners and have to face their own issues eventually. My parents split apart nearly 20 years ago and my father jumped in to various relationships shortly after they were divorced but still continued to cry over losing my mother just 5 years ago. So my point, don't think that your girl won't have to deal with the pain. It will just hit her harder at different times than it hits you. Her new relationship is just a cover up. The best thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself. Focus on things like: your career, hobbies, personal development, voluneteering, health/gym/fitness, building new friendships, and etc. Date when you're ready but don't allow yourself to get too caught up in to trying to meet someone new, just put yourself out there a little. Go to happy hour with friends, join meetup groups, get involved with the church, and things like that. I'm telling you from personal experience not to focus too much on dating because i was so wrapped up in to wanting it to happen, that i was trying too hard and felt even worse about myself when things didn't turn out how i wanted. So go ahead and ride this pain out. Stay in prayer or be spiritual, be around friends, family. It will take time and don't try to numb the pain by jumping in another relationship, drugs, or alcholol. My heart goes out to you bruh! Best of luck to you man. fetish Edited September 9, 2011 by fetish1980
brakco Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I agree with what others have said here. DO NOT CONTACT HER. AT ALL. This will just push her further and further away. My advice to you (since you both work together and you have to see her every day) is to act normal, pleasant, and like there is absolutely nothing wrong. That doesn't mean you should talk to her or initiate any conversation whatsoever. If she approaches you, act like you haven't a care in the world. Fake it til you make it. Improve yourself outside of work. Hang out with friends, make new ones, do things that make you happy. After awhile, (and believe me it takes time), you'll start feeling better about yourself and the situation you are currently in will begin to feel lighter and lighter on your shoulders. I've been where you are and it seems like the end of the world. But I promise you, it gets better. I'm finally coming to terms with what I thought was the "Love of my Life" leaving me for another woman. It's been almost a year and I still get nostalgic now and then but my life is SO much better since I started focusing on ME and not making my relationship(s) define me. Hang in there, and post on this forum instead of contacting her! You CAN do it!
Movingthrough Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 You arent going to belive this now but trust me, it is not what you think it is. I went through this for months and most of the time that new person is just a way to cover up her guilt or pain from you. It is not beautiful like she may portray online or whatever you see, to break up with someone then move on so quick is not normal nor something that will work out. My ex moved on right after me, was with the guy for a year, at the end of the year told me she always missed me and loved me and couldnt be with him because her mind never left me. So they split. This was after a year of pictures, trips, meeting parents, "love", everything you can think of. My point is, stop looking at this like she is "over you", look at it as a way to cope for her. Im not saying its right, but trust me thats what it is, and your best bet is to stop contacting her so she feels what its like to not have you around.
jay_mart Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 you all are so awesome with the words and avice you share..i cant thank you enough..it does help to know that there are little angels out there who are willing to help with the confusion..to you who are feeling the hert as i am..i hope that we get throug this horrable feeling..even thoe its such a lonely feeling..this heart ach..your not alone..we are all here for support..and i thank u for yours..lord know i need it..this site has been helping me along the way...so grateful to have found it..=)
lvm Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 to echo the others - do not call or text her. i wish i could give credit to where i read this - but when someone jumps into another relationship quickly after the ending of the previous one... there is a "battle" that is going on between the new replacement gf/bf and the ex gf/bf. by contacting your ex, you are participating in the battle. more likely than not, the new gf/bf will win because of their novelty. if you bow out, persay, you are leaving the new gf/bf to battle just with the ghost of you. i, for one, think that is much more powerful (not necessarily in "getting an ex back", but for justice to be done in the mind of a dumper in regards to how the breakup was handled.) it gets easier! my former significant other leapfrogged into a new relationship within two weeks of our breakup and i stayed (largely) quiet. it has been over three months and i don't feel the urge to be in contact with him anymore, as much as it hurts how it was all handled. the way i look at it is that it allows me to heal.. while preserving the delicacy of what we did have in our relationship. i was so hurt by his actions that i don't want to consider reconciling... but i most definitely do not want to give him any justifications to his actions. and honestly... as someone who has been the dumper who jumped into something and have watched a lot of friends do that to people - it comes back full cycle. feelings that are hastily "buried" aren't buried very deeply and when they are dealt with later on, they are that much harder to deal with.
Hurting123 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I'm going through a break up where I got dumped. But I have different opinion to everyone. Everyone keeps talking about NC. But I think some people need that closure. I can guarantee you that you will not be with this girl in the future. Even if she ever comes back... She will leave again. How many people do you know who found "the one" and tell you how she once left him for someone else and then came back. Nobody. She is looking for something else. Even if it's that not that guy.. It's not you either. You know this. But I understand you want her back. This is very dark of me to say but when someone close to you dies. You want them back. But it won't happen either. But at least with death you have closure. So if you want closure. Then contact her. Get crazy. Keep texting until she finally tells you to stop texting and calling. Then you have your closure. NC can leave you wondering for along time whether you could have done more. This way you will probably hold on for a little longer but you won't regret anything in a month or two. You will probably still be hurting but you can't have any regret. I give you this advice because I don't think this girl is one of those indecisive people. She has made her decision. So contact her if you need to be told over and over again it's over. It might get through to you eventually that way. To hell with pride. you will laugh it off one day. I also think you did the right thing to ask her to choose. Because this was over the moment she even entertained leaving you for him. You know this. Making her choose meant she didn't spend the next 2-3 months dragging it out and doing it her way. Will she regret this. Nope. I guarantee you that too. She's in another relationship having the time of her life and if it ends .. She won't be thinking about you. She will be thinking about him or the next guy. That's how it works. She might regret the way she treated you. But even then. It won't matter cause you won't even remember her by then. One thing you better not do. Don't be her friend. Don't do that to yourself.
M2155 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 NC can leave you wondering for along time whether you could have done more. This is true but this is something that will probably end up causing you more pain in wondering than just accepting that she chose someone else. When my ex left me for someone else without so much as a word, we didn't have contact and then 3 weeks later (after some cooling off and reflection) I did message him where I learned some of the more/different I could have done. Honestly that hurt more than anything he had done because now instead of anger and sadness, I felt regret. Now instead of being mad at him, I was mad at myself. Even thought he still chose her, made no effort to communicate on these issues to me, didn't admit his wrongs in any of this, I lost some of my anger toward him. And it just made me miss him and want to tell him how much better I could be blah blah. I of course keep this to myself;), many dumpers will tell you the pleading-your-case just makes them want you less. If he wants me, he knows the number.
Author livingitup23 Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Right I have my closure now. She didnt ever love me to the extent that I did and as a result I whinged at her and was abusive to her in texts after I'd gone out drinking. I was truly and madly in love with her and after we ended it was just a cycle of us meeting up, me wanting her back, getting rejected and then being abusive. She wasnt the nicest person in the world but I let her get to me and I can see now why she chose someone else. I just don't want to hate her so this is what I sent her and I hope you all agree it was a good idea. I sent it partly to resist temptation to send her anything in the future, partly to get my closure, partly to make sure she realises I have no hard feelings, and partly to get her to come back after a while because I must admit I havent been the greatest catch to her and looking back I would probably have gone to someone else after the breakup, and I have, just not a fully blown relationship so I'm being hypocritical as well. But yeah I need to change before embarking on a relationship with anyone! Here's the text "I'm really sorry for how I've been with you the last 4 months. The stuff I have said has been childish and completely out of order. It's no excuse you were my first love and I wanted you to love me back but I have to respect the fact you don't. I honestly need to start growing up and not being a big baby just because you don't want to be with me. I'm going to do my best to change and if you ever change your mind you should be in touch. Obviously you have a new life now and it would be too painful for me to be friends but maybe after a lot of time has passed we can be. I honestly hope you are happy with your new boyfriend and I hope you have a nice holiday. I'm going to concentrate on passing my test and I'm going to stop going out so much because I am a dick when I've drunk. You mean a lot to me and I would hope that if you ever realised you wanted more you would tell me. I'll say goodbye for now but hopefully not for ever and I promise that I won't be nasty via texts anymore. Thanks for some good memories hun xxxxxxxxxxx
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