Dig0923 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) Quick points on what happened with ex gf of 5 years. -Girlfriend left because she was interested in someone else due to gigs. -Strung me along for a month then we decided to go no contact. -Few weeks into no contact she texted saying she missed me and wants to try to date me again but go real slow. I wouldn't have messaged back but it seemed to move twards reconcile. -We met up last monday and talked things went good. That is the really short story of what has happened up until this point. We were suppose to go on a "date" tonight but after talking with her last night I found out a few things. One thing that she told me is that SHE broke things off with the other guy, and of course in my head I am thinking she is only come back because I am available. Second she keeps telling me she doesn't want a serious boyfriend from ANYONE right now and just wants to date and see what and if something happens. I assume she means with other guys as well but she isn't giving me a straight answer on that... Third she has told me that she thinks about that other guy she left to persue everyday, but not when I am with her, he lives a few states away so she can't and hasn't met him yet. It seems like when I hang out with her I am what she wants, and when I don't hang out with her, she barley talks to me and doesn't reach out for contact at all it seems and goes in his direction. After talking with her last night she just kept saying that she wants to date and not be in a relationship with anyone at the moment but misses me and wants me to take her out on dates and do things like we used to do right when we met. Now my question is, is she trying to push us into the friend zone or does she just really want to start over and date and see what happens? I am wondering what is going to happen if a few months from now we are dating and she meets someone else, and then does this again to me. I can't figure out what she wants and neither can she. I am afraid that if I don't try this dating thing with her, even though it can end badly or great, this is going to be the last chance we have anything together. On the other hand though, I wonder that she is just dating ME right now because I am the only one available and comfortable to be with right now. I guess in my head I think I should go back to NC and let her go do things without me being there, but then again starting over with her might do something as well. Any advice on what YOU would do or what you think I should do? Edited September 9, 2011 by Dig0923
jenjen83 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 After talking with her last night she just kept saying that she wants to date and not be in a relationship with anyone at the moment but misses me and wants me to take her out on dates and do things like we used to do right when we met. Sounds to me like she just wants a guy to take her out. From what you have said you deserve better than to be her fall-back man.
silly_panda Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 If you are OK with not being in a relationship with her then go ahead... If you wanted a relationship with her then I would say there is a big possibility that you won't be getting it... Pay attention to the words she said... She said she just wanna date... And by saying that, she can date other guy as well... So where does that put you..? You are not her first choice anymore... You are just one of her 'choices'... Seriously for me, I will not accept this and will just walk away... It's either you wan to be with me or not... Don't play around with my feelings and don't waste my time...
radiodarcy Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 it sounds to me like you are fighting a battle between your heart (where emotions lie) and your head (where your rational side lies). we've all been there and i can tell you having been in a similar situation your head is almost always right - - like 99.9% of the time. you've laid out enough red flags in your post to indicate that this is indeed a losing a battle. if she wanted you back body and soul she would have said so. but this wishy-washy business of "oh i want to date you but i still want to date other guys; and maybe in the future..." that's just BS. she wants to have her cake and eat it too. not to mention she is showing no respect for your feelings in keeping you on a string like this. especially when you know what you want but she doesn't. as difficult as it's going to be - - i would strongly suggest you walk away from this. this is not a reconciliation. she is using you. under these circumstances, the chances of things ending badly are much MUCH higher than the chances of things ending great.
flitzanu Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 darcy nails another one. she isn't trying to commit to you, she wants to go on dates? you to take her out? yeah. she wants to use you, she's not trying to fix anything with you. she just wants attention and knows you'll come crawling to give it to her. don't give her the satisfaction.
radiodarcy Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 darcy nails another one. hehehe - -thanks Flitzanu it's always good to put experience to good use and know that it's making sense
Author Dig0923 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Thank you for all the replies I finally decided to go NC full again with her, she got mad a told me "Go away then" and got all mad and told me she didn't want to cry anymore. That really pissed me off and I basically told her, "I don't want to cry anymore either, and I said goodbye then blocked her. It just bothers me that she makes it seem like I did something wrong. I hate that she made me feel bad for making me think I hurt her WHEN SHE LEFT!
leoc1973 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I was in almost the identical situation. The thing with my ex was that I never had the money to "entertain" her. She moved away to nyc and started dating like 5 guys that she says she never even kissed other than a kiss on the cheek and the thanks for a really expensive evening. I don't know what to think anymore isn't it funny that its alway 5 years that they seem to get the gigs. I went about a month and a half nc then she started making contact with me. I don't know what she wants and at this point I don't know what I do anymore either. I met a new girl that treats me like I am the only man in the world and I am starting to have serious feelings for her. I still miss my ex so I don't know what at this point I would even do if she did come back. I do know that if she waits any longer I just could really fall in love with this new girl. Either way I really needed a good dumping to get me off my ass and get back to school and start working out and bettering myself. So she did give me a gift in disguise. My confidence was shot and I had her on such a pedistal but since i have dated a dozen girls and realize that I really am a good catch. It just kills me that I got dumped just cause I am not rich. At least I think thats why but at this point don't even know. Do us all a favor and keep posting even if you do get back with your ex I would love to know what your chick was really thinking.
Author Dig0923 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 I was in almost the identical situation. The thing with my ex was that I never had the money to "entertain" her. She moved away to nyc and started dating like 5 guys that she says she never even kissed other than a kiss on the cheek and the thanks for a really expensive evening. I don't know what to think anymore isn't it funny that its alway 5 years that they seem to get the gigs. I went about a month and a half nc then she started making contact with me. I don't know what she wants and at this point I don't know what I do anymore either. I met a new girl that treats me like I am the only man in the world and I am starting to have serious feelings for her. I still miss my ex so I don't know what at this point I would even do if she did come back. I do know that if she waits any longer I just could really fall in love with this new girl. Either way I really needed a good dumping to get me off my ass and get back to school and start working out and bettering myself. So she did give me a gift in disguise. My confidence was shot and I had her on such a pedistal but since i have dated a dozen girls and realize that I really am a good catch. It just kills me that I got dumped just cause I am not rich. At least I think thats why but at this point don't even know. Do us all a favor and keep posting even if you do get back with your ex I would love to know what your chick was really thinking. I'm sorry to hear our story but glad to hear that you met someone who treats you how YOU should and WANT to be treated. I will keep posting and let you know what she is thinking if things ever change for the better, or at least in a way where I can get some answers. Also thanks darcy ya I think you did nail it on the head. I just have to disconnect my heart and start thinking with my head.
radiodarcy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) i know it's not easy. trust me i've been there and it took me 2.5 years to finally start using my head and disengage. and there were lots of fights about him dating other girls. even though i agreed to the arrangement and said i understood. i wasn't happy about it at all. i finally realized the only way out of that situation was to well - - get out! lol. in doing so, i gave my own feelings the respect and consideration i deserved. and you deserve to do the same for you as well. the first few months of NC were not easy. but after awhile i started seeing much more clearly and saw the situation for what it was worth: a warped merry go round of emotions. now i'm glad i'm out of there. and i really don't miss him as much as i thought i would. a little still, yes. but as much as he put me through, not a whole lot. be glad you're seeing the warning signs now. remember, the fact that you are willing to offer more than what she's willing to give means that you deserve far more and MUCH better than what you would be getting if you stayed with her. Edited September 12, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author Dig0923 Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 (edited) So an update here on what has been going on. The past week or two she has been getting in contact with me and initiating things. She is trying to make plans with me and her ideas to hang out and do things together. Now we went up to the campground where her parents camper is and hung out all night and had a good time. When it came to when it was time to sleep, we went and slept in separate beds. The next morning I was talking to her about it and she basically told me to act like a friend to her...which kinda pissed me off obviously. I told her from the start of us "hanging out" again that if she was going to push me into the friend zone then I would have to leave and get over her totally before we could even get to that point, I would have to remove myself from all emotional ties with her... The problem with all this is she told me straight out that when we are hanging out it reminds her of when we first started dating and she likes feeling that but doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone at the moment. Yes there is still another guy she is semi talking with here and there, they play an online game together with some other people. This guy has a GF and is states away but I think that is the reason she is confused/conflicted. Never once has she experienced someone else in the way she has with me. I have told her that she needs to go and see him, or see other people to figure out her feelings and for her to decided what her TRUE feelings are for me. She did say, when we were at the camper, that she still has feelings for me but, " I Just got out of a 5 year relationship, I don't want to jump right back into another one, with anyone." She said she just wants to be happy again and she wasn't when she was with me because of the situation we were in, living at my parents house. Is she waiting for me to change my life? Is that why she wants to stay in contact? Now I know damn well I should go NC with her and let her go explore or NOT explore someone else. I just feel like if I continue hanging out with her maybe it will help ( False Hope? ). I know I can't change her feelings or force her to feel a certain way, I just can't figure out what it is she wants. She wants me around but doesn't want to be WITH me, but yet she says that hanging out might bring back something but can't promise anything about what will happen in the future. She has said time and time again that if I disappear and go away that it will not help her figure out what she wants, I just don't believe that because when I went NC with her a few weeks back for 2 weeks, she was the one who broke NC and contacted me. I am just confused and don't know how to handle this situation. I am the only one she has ever seriously dated so I am trying to do the right thing. EDIT: I have been starting to think with my head more then my heart recently as well. Everything is fine when we are hanging out and when I am at home not seeing her I am ok as well. It is just when saying goodbye and dropping her off at home is when it still hurts a little bit. Other than that, I am ok Edited September 16, 2011 by Dig0923
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