Buttercup84 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 My ex left because he said our foundation was bad and we fought too much . Things were not perfect in the beginning but we had a great time and fell hard for eachother . We fought because he refused to sit amdoen and just talk . Of course I made mistakes but I was able to acknowledge them and I looked after him and was faithful. I could be messy , moody and a crap cook but I supported him and loved him with all my heart . we had money issues when I lost my job , I got a new one in childcare and as you know it pays crap . he was supportive as I want to be a teacher but it bothered him that I never had money . Our rent was high and we split all the bills etc . He earned much more than I did . It just seemed that he couldn't handle tough times . He never even looked after me when I was sick . I feel like there is something wrong with me and his next relationship will be easier , his new gf will have a well paying job , and they will never fight . I just wish I kept my mouth shut and listend to him more and did what he said .
ken_25 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. Reading through this post a few things really stood out. He felt the foundation wasn't good and you fought too much, he didn't want to talk too much about things, he wouldn't take care of you when you're sick, made you feel bad because of how much money you earn while you're trying to reach your career goals and you feel he can't handle tough times too well. Then you say you should of kept your mouth shut and listened to him more? This is completely the wrong way to think. It sounds like he doesn't deserve you period. Tell yourself you deserve someone that opens up and communicates, someone that can grind out tough times, that will take care of you when you're sick, that doesn't care about how much money you bring in.. especially when you're striving to better yourself career wise. Tell yourself you're going to find someone who feels you have a strong foundation where you do not fight much, and believe me... this person is out there and you will find him in time. And when you do find this person, who does these things for you, you're going to be a much happier person then you ever were with your ex.
Mack05 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) Buttercup, From the amount of threads you have started it is clear you are going through a really tough time right now and I feel for you. When we lose someone we had strong feelings for, we spend the first few weeks and months going through all kinds of scenario's in our heads. A lot of what if's and maybe's. Believe me this goes with time. After some time has passed you stop looking at the relationship with rose tinted glasses. For example no man worth his salt would make a girl he loves pay for half of everything when he earns alot more then she does. He wouldn't make her feel bad about herself by criticising her cooking or how much she makes for a living. That's not a man, at least a real man anyway. Who wants to be with someone who can't handle tough times? Who doesn't care for you when you are sick? I think life will show you that you had a lucky escape. I know you are beating yourself up and thinking maybe if we fought less and I listened more we would still be together. That's just not true Buttercup. You guys fought a lot because you just weren't compatible for one another. We kid ourselves and say to avoid more fights, that "I will be on my best behaviour". As soon as you start thinking like that the relationship is doomed. One or both of you is walking on eggshells and eventually things will implode because a relationship will self destruct if one or both partners are not being themselves. It may not seem like it right now but you will meet the right guy. When you do the fights will be a lot less because how you both communicate with each other will be natural and not forced. You will both be on the same wavelengths and fights that drag on with a partner you are not suited with, will get resolved quickly with someone that you are more compatible with. Right now you need to go through the grieving process and start your healing. I saw you have posted your journal entry. This is a good start. However posting the journal entry is one thing. Achieving the goals outlined when suffering a broken heart is completely another. When reading thousands of posts on this site their seems to be two types of people when grieving. There is type A, who reminisce and ruminate for months on end and are still posting on LS six months later having not moved on with their lifes, an iota. Then there is type B, who have their journal and their goals detailed and outlined and are determined to achieve them by hook or by crook. They take small steps forward everyday in their recovery and when they are low they drag themselves up by the bootstraps. They get themselves to the gym when it's the last thing in the world they feel like doing. It's going to the gym when u feel like death warmed up, thats taking positive steps forward in the toughest times. Time does not heal all wounds. Grieving and healing correctly does. Start focusing on your relationships with your family and friends. Be a better daughter, aunt, friend, niece etc etc. When u feel like breaking NC, write a letter to your ex that u will never send. Writing is very Theraputic. Also go for long walks and vent here on LS. It's a long hard journey and sometimes you will take a step backwards. The important thing is that u don't take two steps backwards. I know u have a good heart Buttercup and I have no doubt you are person B, that I described above. Life has set you a tough test. A test none of us ever want, but it is a test we must all pass. When we do pass this test we become better, stronger and wiser people. If may not seem like it now, but there will come a time when you are ready to love again. When you are ready to take a gamble with another man and give him your heart. In the meantime make a promise to yourself to complete everything you outlined in your journal here on LS. As soon as you complete those goals it will give you a massive lift to your self esteem. When u feel good in yourself you then start attracting the right kind of guys and things tend to happen when you least expect them. I wish you well on your journey. We all have faith in you. I miss Coogee beach :-)!!! Take care Buttercup Edited September 9, 2011 by Mack05
ConfusedT Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 it is really hard to get through all this, but don't beat yourself up over your mistakes. you cant change what you did, all the what-ifs are irrelevant, because you cant fix what is already done, BUT you can change yourself for the next time. You can be a better person, friend, girlfriend, etc for yourself. We put our all into other people instead of putting our all into ourselves. We are a whole person without that person. We are capable of so much more than that person allowed *per se* us to be. you arent seeing that now, but with time you will. Obviously something went wrong at some point and it's a two way street. You are not entirely to blame, he was not perfect either. take off the rose colored glasses sister and put on some shades... People make mistakes, hell i know ive made many, but i put my best effort in, sure i look back and wished i could have changed things, but its done! I know that a lot of the time when the other person is blaming the dumpee, it is really a reflection of how they are feeling... My ex lied blatently to my face on so many occasions over a year period, it is sad now that i actually look back at it. i loved him so much. he was my DRUG!!!! i was addicted & he was probably the worst thing that could ever have happened to me! but in all honesty, he may have been the best too. he taught me what i didnt want in a relationship, he taught me what i can never deal with again and he taught me that when you put someone before yourself, you will inevitably lose yourself and noone *minus your kid* will ever be worth that!!! EVER! i lost everything when he left because he was my "everything" and it didnt matter what anyone said, but now, although i still miss him, i know that every choice he made, all the times he lied, all the bull**** he did and how he left me cold turkey, my begging, my pleading, my crying for months- each taught me lessons. how im strong enough to fight for what i love, how i can endure much more than i think i can, how i can withstand heartbreak and still smile through my tears, how i can breakdown, but maintain my life and most importantly, how i can continue to love and make others happy even when my own life is SHATTERED. it showed me my strength and it showed me that regardless of what happens, life will go on, but you have to let it!
sleepykitten Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Two really awesome replies there that have also helped me too. As Mack said you are obviously going through a really tough time right now and my heart goes out to you, this was me last monday, i was in bits, and also so dissapointed in myself for feeling that way when i had been ok, felt i had gone backwards and it scared the hell out of me, that break up pain with all those obsessive thoughts-theres nothing that comes close to the pain of it. But fast forward a week and I couldnt feel more different, I saw some friends, went to the gym, read a good book, read self help books, listened to a positive affirmations cd everynight, went back to nc (he had called on monday), and i feel so much better, I know there will be down days, but I also know my ex was not good enough for me and its taken me a while to be able to say that. He too earnt double what i did and i paid for most stuff, he practically lived at mine yet never even offered to contribute, i even paid for 3 weekends away as either bday or xmas presents, and never once did the same. He had no ambition or drive, would shut down if there were any problems, couldnt communicaate at all, and when the honey moon period was over and reality kicked in he bailed, met someone else 3 days later and is still with her as he told me he "cant be alone and he needs her to help him heal"....now would you tell me this sounds like a good catch (he also is 36 and still liveds at home in single bed with his mum doing his washing, ironing, food shopping etc)?? This will pass Buttercup. I never thought i would feel ok again, but i do, better than ok. You will too.
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