ohio1387 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 since i cant help but have a breakdown every few weeks, im just going to randomly post what has been annoying me and venting my issues. i dont care if anybody reads this or replies. i cant afford therapy and i just need to vent somewhere before i resort back to doing the stuff i was doing when i was a teenager. back to having no friends again. the only person i talk to is my father, and hes still saying "things are going to get better". i have no faith in that comment any more. things have been "going to get better" for years. i haven't managed to do anything with my life. and im too stressed out to care about trying any more. working is too stressful with nothing to do but sleep when i go home. i dont drink, so im not going to a bar. im an introvert, so i dont like crowded places. and i dont know how to talk to new people without talking about myself all the time, because i feel rude asking people about themselves. it seems too personal. people always tell me being social is "so easy" like im an idiot who cant remember how to breathe. but i meet a group of new people and i break out in a cold sweat. even online. i try to talk to people the way the popular guys do, and get this awkward quiet standoffish response online. in real life i try to smile, say hello, and ask people about themselves, and i get the exact same thing. and nobody ever tells me what i am doing wrong, because nobody wants anything to do with me. the only input ive ever had was i have a" complete and utter lack of interest in other people". its like everybody else is in on this secret game and i never got the rules. ive thought i might have aspergers, but thats not it. ive been to those sites and tried to get into the community. they all manage to mostly get along with each other, but i get the same quiet awkward response from them, too. i actually did go to therapists when i was younger. but they didnt help at all. everything they offered up as advice would be the same things i had already tried to tell myself. its probably the reason i always end up as the "friend" to girls. i know how to help them feel better about their problems, if only because i listen to them, and ask them how those problems make them feel. i dont tell them what to do, i just offer my perspective to give them an outside view of their situation. unfortunately that means those techniques dont work very well on me because i try to think that way for myself. i was on medication for a while, but it turned me into a raving lunatic who punched holes in walls and went into shouting matches with nothing in particular. i was the terrifying violent brute everyone expected me to be, so i stopped taking them. i wasnt happy on those pills, and im not happy now. but at least now i dont have intense anger problems. ive been lying, though. im not 24. im 29. and this isnt my first account on this site. ive been coming here for years, posting threads, and getting irritated because people just stopped responding or started getting irritated at me, and just left. then was too embarrassed to use the same name again. im not the type of guy who requires attention, i just hate feeling like im being ignored, because thats all i get in real life. and no, im still not asking people to reply to this. you would be wasting your time because its going to take something huge to get me out of this pit i am in. and im just going to keep coming back to complain anyway.
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