smudge21 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Looking back over the past year I reckon one of the hardest things to accept (and therefore help me heal) has been the fact she changed so much from the person I first met and fell in love with. Everything about her just won me over but mostly it was her personality and all the hopes and dreams, things she'd already accomplished in her early years and things she had planned to do. The way she worried about her past and seemed focused on changing it or at least not repeating it. Those feelings (or lack of) for her ex who was still in the picture as a friend (met him too and he felt the same way - they'd been there, done that, gone back to friends). All her career plans and the fact she could easily accomplish anything with her great attitude and commitment. Now, a year on, it's like she's a totally different person. Settling down with him and planning a family, dumping all those plans and ambitions, making work choices that are totally crazy and self destructive. It just seems that on the outside she's still the same person, still as pleasant as ever, but inside, everything is different. Even to friends she has changed too and they're just as shocked and concerned. Reading on here I think this happens to a lot of us - our exs just suddenly become different people - for example: they can be quiet and totally against drinking and that stuff, but then you'll see them out partying doing all those things they said they would never do. For mine I think she just seems to bounce around life, always trying new things only to get distracted or bored and go for something else. Always trying, never succeeding. When I think about it deeply, it's the one thing that now gets me really sad as I remember how amazing it was to be around her, even before I had feelings. She truly lit up the room and everyone enjoyed being around her and wanted to be a part of her life as it seemed to be heading somewhere special. Accepting that that person is gone for good is truly very difficult.
1Dunno Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 So true. I think one of the main reasons it's so hard to accept is because their behaviour is so irrational. Do you sometimes you feel like slapping her (not literally!) and asking her what has gotten into her, why she's acting so weird? I know I do. But the reality is that it's their life and they can do what they chose. Alas we have no right to make them explain themselves to us. Even if they did it'd just be some bulls**t to get us off their backs. One of the biggest things that I'm trying to convince myself of at the moment is that I deserve better than her. Sure, she might seem like a nice person (sometimes) on the outside, but I know it's all a facade. In fact, at the moment I don't even think that she deserves me as a friend, and am really just doing it because I have to see her on occasion. Anyway, sorry to make this about me. From your post it sounds like you're making good progress smudge. I know you've had your fair share of setbacks, but being able to reflect on this like you have shows that you'll come out of this a bigger and stronger person.
Author smudge21 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Thanks for posting and is nice to read that someone else sees my point of view on this. Yeah, would love to shake her and say "WTF", I mean, I can see the problems why can't she? Knowing what's happening actually does set me back occasionally as of course, I want to help, to save her from herself. I know deep down I can't, but that doesn't stop me wanting to.
LelouchIsZero Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Went through the same type of thing, I think -- though, I'm not too sure if it was because she changed into a different person or if it was my inexperience that screwed me over & didn't allow me to see the " real her " quick enough.
Diatribes Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 The way she worried about her past and seemed focused on changing it or at least not repeating it. Those feelings (or lack of) for her ex who was still in the picture as a friend (met him too and he felt the same way - they'd been there, done that, gone back to friends). Now, a year on, it's like she's a totally different person. Settling down with him and planning a family, dumping all those plans and ambitions, making work choices that are totally crazy and self destructive. Maybe the way she was with you wasn't truly how she really was. If she's back with her ex that was just a "friend" during the time she was with you, she probably still had feelings for him during your relationship, and maybe vice-versa as well. Staying in contact with an ex is never a good choice, especially when your're in a different relationship. Completely unfair to you. That's how it went down with my ex, and yes she still did have feelings for her ex and even admitted so after our BU. And yes, I think my ex wasn't the person whom I thought she was while with me, instead I think she just acted how she thought I perceived her. A very rotten thing to do, but a trait I think many women share. Best of luck.
lymtal1 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Smudge, Thank you for your post. It really struck a cord with me. I think it helped me see her in a different light. I was looking at her in a certain way. How it was for the period of time when it was great. That is the only part I have been focusing on. I am just getting to a point where I do believe she is truly gone. Deep down I know she is. They do change and you have opened up a different view for me. I guess the one constant in life is change....... Thanks
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