Lost and Lonely

[jen691982]

Well, I guess I need to start by telling you my problem. I am 29 years old, and I have lived with my husband eleven years. We've been married for seven, and have a wonderful six year old daughter. That is about the only good thing I have going for me though. My husband wanted a housewife since day one, so I've only had a job about two weeks in my entire adult life. The most recent one I managed to keep three hours before he came and literally drug me out. That was about four years ago. Up until a couple of years ago he was physically abusive, but I tried to leave him and he agreed to take anger management. That helped for a while, but he became much more emotionally hostile. Something as simple as wanting to go visit my family will cause an all out war in my house. I usually try to take the high road for my daughters sake, but I must admit I occasionally get in a shouting match with him. Ever since I've known him, it has seemed that he doesn't want me to have any friends. Any woman or man I start to form even a casual friendship with bears the brunt of his resentment, so I just stay away to avoid people getting hurt by his malicious lies. About three years ago our house burned down, and we moved in with his parents. Well, we're still here. We have a house of our own, but it needs renovation. Money is tight, so progress is slow, but he spends the little extra that we do have on frivolous things instead of trying to prepare things to move. I once again offered to get a job ( matter of fact I had someone call me personally to offer one) and he still said no. After about two days of fighting I gave up. I really think he doesn't want to leave here and have a normal life. I have let him go so long that I'm not even sure if it isn't my fault for putting up with it. I stayed at first for religious reasons, but I'm over that now. I've been serously contemplating leaving again ( my previous attempts have failed) but every time I try to talk about anything he just clams up, and gets offensive if I push him. Since he won't listen to my feelings, I tried to make a metaphor work instead. I came up with a story about the government trying to take away our rights and how freedom was important to us to symbolize the lack of freedom I have personally. He then informed me he didn't care about freedom and he thought the government should control everything. This of course made me angry so I started telling him the nation was going to collapse ( symbolizing our relationship) and he got violent. So, of course I got even more angry and tried to leave and he chased me down. We then got into a full fledged argument over the fall of our government in full view of about 10 of our neighbors. He still doesn't know I was speaking metaphorically, and now he thinks I am a crazy anarchist. To make matters even worse, I think he may be telling other people. I mean, I am not against government. I think most of us need someone to guide us on the right path, my husband being one of them. What I was really saying is I wanted to leave, and I was going to end his world by not lying for him in court. He is currently involved in a rather large civil suit. I want to just run away and go somewhere, but I have no money, only one or two friends, and my mother lives too close for comfort. I can't have my daughter growing up thinking this is normal. I seriously need some advice. Please help.

[coolheadal]

It's a bad marriage you have with this guy plus you have a kid also with him. You don't want to move in with your mom? You might have to? Also get a court order against your husband so he can't hassle you anymore. You have to do something now before it's too late. This way at your moms you can get a job to support you and your daughter. You need to get away from your husband he's carrying a BIG RED FLAG around and you don't really need that in your life.

[mtd4249]

jen691982 -- relationships have some fundamental foundations and once they are broken there is very little chance. For instance, if someone is unfaithful or abusive (physically or emotionally) then these are sound reasons to leave a relationship, as hard as that may be. Your relationship is unhealthy ... for you and for your daughter. You can't endure this for the rest of your life or hope that things will change. It sounds like your husband is controlling and is probably comfortable continuing his behaviour because he thinks he has you trapped (financially and emotionally). You need to do whatever it takes to control the situation yourself ... this might involve moving in with your mother for the moment while you get grounded and find a job to rent a place. I hope you manage to sort things out the best for you and your daughter.