Minnie09 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 After getting a D from my cheating xH last year, I'm still sitting here struggling. I know I did the right thing by giving up on the M and that it was the only way to restore my inner balance. But I'm still obsessing, feeling sorry for myself and my son who now grows up in a broken home, getting angry at my ex for breaking it all into pieces, and feeling anxious due to the financial impact the whole mess has had on my lifestyle and future.* I was a SAHM and had given up my career for my family. Now I'm here working full-time in a job that pays me 13 bucks an hour. And I consider myself lucky to even have a job. It took me forever to find one, and I got the offer unexpectedly (no experience as an office manager) and took it. I have normal working hours, and I'm doing a good job, I even like it, but whenever my child is sick there's nobody who can babysit. I moved away from the city (too expensive), and now live in MD in a cheaper area, but still! I have such a hard time paying my bills, my rent is half of what I would pay in DC, but I barely make it. Daycare, rent, medical bills..... Life is hard. The downside of moving away from "everything" is also that I have nobody to babysit, nobody who takes him for just a few hours. Family is far away. So are friends. His dad has him every other weekend. No chance to date or even get to know anybody, it's just all crap.* The good thing is that I like my job, my son's daycare is good and reliable, and my monthly expenses are lower compared to before - but not low enough. My ex pays me more child support than he would have to by law, but I'm still in a bad position financially. 13 bucks before tax leaves me nothing.* My son has a hard time coping with the D, even though I distract him, take him to the zoo, do fun stuff and spend quality time with him. I never badmouth his father. He misses his daddy. And I have zero time for myself. I'm only working and mothering. That's what I do. I would go to counseling if I could afford it, but I don't even have a babysitter. All my friends are far away and where do I make new ones if I don't get out? At work? No. Not going to happen. They all have their own families and routines and I don't want to impose myself on anybody. I work 40 hrs a week, pick up my son and want to give him the feeling that his mommy loves him, after he's been in daycare for 9 hrs. It's just a struggle. No social circle, no money, no man (oh well, I guess that's something I can almost appreciate), no time for anything. And why? Because someone I trusted decided to put me on the bottom of his priority list, cheated, lied, violated my trust and ruined his family. I'm still full of hate and disappointment and cannot get out of that rut to save my life. Ugh. Lord help me. Sorry for the rant.* I guess I simply needed to vent. That's all. Nobody has an easy life. Everyone works hard and I'm not the only single parent on the planet without a support system. There are others who have it harder and they manage their lives just fine. What am I even complaining about? That's what I'm telling myself every day. But somehow I can't convince myself. I sometimes really hate how everything has turned out to be. I would've gone through fire to save my M. I didn't cheat, but I would've forgiven. With a little bit, just a tiny little bit of effort from my X. But I was asking for to much. That's why I'm here. I'm so ready for better times. I also hate my coulda shoulda woulda obsessing cycle. I constantly think about how I could have done things differently. Better. Faster. It's almost a short-term mental disorder. Like: if I had had an affair before my H, at least I wouldn't be alone now and all that weird crap. Sick, eh?
Author Minnie09 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 As I said, I would have gone through fire to save it. But there was too much lying repeatedly. And the A never stopped. He was never remorseful. He didn't show me he wanted to work through it, he only said it. No actions, just words. And yes, we did try MC, but even there he wasn't upfront and didn't want to face the music. Still tried to blameshift and gaslight. And there was emotional abuse, too. With him not willing to change we had no chance. I couldn't do it. I would be in the same exact position as I was then, constantly on high alert, walking on eggshells and questioning his whereabouts. I knew that my decision to D would give me a harder life, but I never thought it would be that tough and that it would take that long to get in a mental place where I feel safe and content. The anxiety has not faded yet.
lovesickmonkey Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I think that "obsessive thoughts" are a good way to describe what you are doing. I'm currently experiencing the same thing. The repetitive shoulda coulda woulda thoughts are normal but they may be interfering with moving on and healing. They may be keeping us from getting healthy and happy. From what I understand, there is a procedure to literally interrupt the thoughts. The first step is to be aware of what you are thinking. I know that this "monologue of relationship criticism" can go on in my brain without me even "thinking" about what I'm thinking. You must become aware of your thoughts. Then as soon as you are thinking the negative "what I should have done" thoughts, you interrupt them with something like saying "Cut it out!" or "This is hurting me!" or you can snap yourself with a rubber band on your wrist. You can try Susan Elliot's phrase, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." This is good for me because I'm somehow convinced that rehashing all the events DOES matter. It really doesn't ... it's in the past. Try it. With all the things in your life that seem beyond control, your thoughts are not.
Author Minnie09 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 I know that controlling my thoughts is a first step to improvement, but the harsh reality stays nonetheless. While for the other party life goes on as normal. That sucks.
Duckduckgoose Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Yeah, you should definitely consider moving closer to your family/support network. It sounds like MD isn't working out for you for those reasons. Maybe look for jobs and have your family put the word out out that you are looking for a job in that area and help you out. Plus they will be able to help you find a decent house and whatnot... saving you some of the trouble. To me it sounds like leaving MD will solve half your problems, if not all of them eventually. I am thankful in that with my D, my exH left me in a city full of single men with good paying jobs. A city with a lot of opportunity to advance and plenty of things I enjoy doing. He ran back to his parents (I guess I should say his whack-job mom, as his dad is emotionally if not physically absent 89% of the time) with his flea-bitten tail between his legs. I really think if you move you will be better off. In fact, I believe it
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