counterman Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 So, this dates back to about a couple of months ago when I asked this girl out. We went on one informal "date", after which she says she's not looking for a relationship at the moment. Personally, I just thought she wasn't interested. Nevertheless, we agreed to be friends. I figured "why not?" since we get along so well anyways and have a tonne to talk about. So I met up with her recently and again we had a fun just talking to each other... we're both really comfortable with each other. We even got onto the topic of dating and she alluded to the fact that I was her type but told me not to get any funny ideas Now, I don't know if she's telling the truth when she said she wasn't looking for a relationship, I took it that she wasn't attracted to me and hence wasn't interested in dating me. Either way, it meant we couldn't be more than friends, which I figured was fine if I'm dating other girls. And plus, all the girls I meet that I have dated or wanted to date, I have never been friends with afterwards... and thought I'll give it a go. The only issue is I'm not dating anyone at the moment and don't think I will be for a little while since I'm behind in my studies and bogged down by by it. She was curious about my dating life but I didn't want to let her know much about it, since this friendship is still new. I won't be seeing her for a few weeks since I'll be busy this week, but I'm wondering, when do get back into dating and other social endeavours, whether I can truly be her friend? Like I said I've never been down this path. I'm feeling okay now but what if feelings develop? What if she ends up liking me when I'm dating someone else? I do want to be her friend and I'll make sure I have a lot of other things going on in my life and whatnot. What else could I do?
Author counterman Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 To add to that, could people share their experiences with "friendship" with the opposite sex they were attracted to? I mean, I don't want a one-sided sort of friendship... I rather invest my time into a friendship that would lead to a greater one, or into dating that could lead to a relationship.
phineas Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 If you want to be friends. Treat her like a friend. If you tell your buds "i got too much going on to even think about dating" Ya tell her that when she asks. There is a difference between too busy to date & sitting at home eating pizza & playing video games with your dorm-mates on a sat night because you are anti-social. I have my kids every weekend & a few nights during the week. If I don't have them it's because I planned it that way ahead of time or it's a last min. thing where my ex or family offers to take them overnight. Well, i'm not going to ditch my kids for a woman i'm not in a relationship with & pawn them off on a baby-sitter. My time with them is more important. But so is my families. When it's a last min. thing I usually stay home on a weekend night & clean then drink a beer & watch some TV. I tell women who ask me this. I'm not afraid of looking like a looser. i'm almost 40 not 20. It would be cool to have a female friend I can call up & hang with. But every woman friend I've had don't like the idea of me hitting on other women even when they don't want to date me so these "friendships" don't last long.
Author counterman Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 To be honest, I don't even tell my friends about my dating life. Long story short, they'll always try to make me feel bad about my experiences. But I agree, I will tell her that I'm too busy to date if she asks again. I do spend time with my brothers and family every week and I have a few mates I do catch a game with once in a while; they always come first over any dates should I have to decide. But at the moment, I'm just catching up on work and have little time to spare. I'm just not feeling it at the moment, since I'm under a little pressure. But I guess I have been a little anti-social because of this... I could always organise myself better and make time to do the things I want to do. That's what I was thinking... I have had close girl friends in the past who disappeared really soon after when I started dating another girl. I don't really want to invest my time in something that ends up going nowhere, but I did already tell her that I won't always be available. Oh well, we'll see how it goes!
Author counterman Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Also, I haven't seen her for about a week now but plan on asking her to hang out this coming week. This would be the 3rd time I would have asked her to meet up (including the time I asked her out on the first date). Now, I don't want to be the one asking her to hang out all the time... so I'm thinking after this last time, I'll let her initiate and if she doesn't, I'm moving on. What does everyone else think?
somedude81 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Odds are she will never initiate. She will hang out with you only when she has nothing better going on and she may cancel at the last minute. That is the danger of hanging out with a woman who knows you are interested while she only sees you as a friend.
Author counterman Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Odds are she will never initiate. She will hang out with you only when she has nothing better going on and she may cancel at the last minute. That is the danger of hanging out with a woman who knows you are interested while she only sees you as a friend. I agree with you but the thing is I'm not interested in dating her anymore...but I think she thinks I'm still interested. She probably has orbiters around, trying to get her attention as well. She's told me that I can call her anytime to hang out. However, I don't want to be the one to always initiate. I have friends like that already and dropped them quickly once I realise that it was always me making the effort. On the other hand, this is a friendship that has only really just begun...and I understand we don't really have that friendship relationship going yet; we don't know each other that well. So, I'm deciding whether I should meet up with her next week or not?
somedude81 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 If you are sure that you just want to be friends with her, then fine call her up. But I wouldn't expect much from her.
Author counterman Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 If you are sure that you just want to be friends with her, then fine call her up. But I wouldn't expect much from her. Thanks, Somedude. You're right, I think I'm already expecting too much of her which is really not much at all if she really did want to be friends. I've just had little to no experience with this before...so that's why I'm a bit hesitant. I'll see what happens this next time we hang out... but I don't think it'll go any further than that.
Author counterman Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 I don't know if the whole last-minute "I'm busy" thing always means the person isn't into you. I'm really excited to go out w/a new guy right now, but I keep putting it off & saying I'm busy (& not making any future plans) because work really is that busy... and when I do have time free, I either want "me" time, or I'm out with my friends on weekends. I've been thinking, "I'm too busy for a relationship right now but maybe later on I would be interested, so I'm gonna let him know I'm busy and I don't want to commit to real plans now but maybe in a few weeks who knows." Meanwhile there's another guy who wants a date with me but I'm just not that into him. I'd never dream of telling him "Timing just isn't good right now, since work is busy and I'm not really looking to date." Instead I'm going to tell him that he's an awesome friend but we're better as friends, so that I don't leave the door open. I understand, saying you're busy with an explanation lets the guy know that you truly are busy but sometimes just saying "I'm busy" would signal disinterest. However, I agree with you - I think if you communicated your needs clearly, then there will be no room for misunderstandings. When you say you'll tell him he's an awesome friend, would you make an effort to be his friend though? Like, would you initiate contact? Ask him to hang out? Because for me, that's what being friends entail. I don't like it girls try to let me down soft by saying let's just be friends. I would rather they be upfront and say "I'm not interested", that way, we don't waste each other's time.
Author counterman Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well, saying "let's just be friends" means the person has no interest in dating. But saying that it's currently "bad timing" ... well of course that might be true. Maybe the person is too busy with other commitments or just isn't in the right place, emotionally, to decide whether a relationship is something they want at the moment. If a girl truly wants to close the door on dating u, then I think she'd say something more definite than "hey nothing happened btwn us I've just been busy lately" or "right now just isn't the best timing for me." I think I'm seeing what you mean... I would still prefer it that girls say "I'm not interested in dating you" rather then "let's just be friends" if they have no intention of really being friends. I understand bad timing though, and would give the girl the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't hang around to be a dating option but I wouldn't exactly rule her out either. That's the thing... I don't think this girl has closed the door on dating me but I don't want to be one of those orbiters. If she wants to date, I'm not going to date her. That ship has sailed. I just want to be friends... but am wondering whether I should ask her to hang out next week. What do you think?
Author counterman Posted September 25, 2011 Author Posted September 25, 2011 Please do not slam me for this... because I'm aware I might have done the wrong thing, but here goes. I had set up a meeting with this girl... which she cancelled on the day because she was too tired from work. I was a bit disappointed by this because I was really looking forward to seeing her. The next day I made a decision to cut things off with her completely and I told her the reasons why. She was the one that wanted to be friends and said he was looking for friends but she never initiated anything. I didn't want to waste my time anymore, so I told her that. However, what I didn't realise was that she has been bogged down by work lately, having long shifts every single day. She says she does really want to be friends but her actions say otherwise. But I feel like a jerk:(... maybe she was really busy with her work? I don't know whether I should try to patch things up and apologise and move on or just move on without saying anything.
somedude81 Posted September 25, 2011 Posted September 25, 2011 Seems like you were getting a little too emotional over a girl you just want to be friends with...
Author counterman Posted September 25, 2011 Author Posted September 25, 2011 Seems like you were getting a little too emotional over a girl you just want to be friends with... Exactly... and I think that would have freaked her out. I should have stayed in control of my emotions and kept my cool, whilst doing other things... I guess moving on is all I can do now. There's no recovery from that. She probably thinks I'm a freak now though.
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