Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 tigressA... going backwards is a bad thing.. IMO.. this is his easy way of breaking up.. after you move out he will continue to distance himself or just want you for sex.. Why are you agreeing to this ? why are you not just calling and end to the relationship ? What is is doing has to hurt.. does he not care that he is hurting you ? I know going backward is a bad thing. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it in a completely different way, which is what is making me think we're probably fundamentally incompatible. I can't break up with him unless I am prepared to leave, and I am not--at least, not now. I'm not going to stay in a studio apartment with an ex. I can't really put an end to it until I have somewhere else to go. I should work on that then, I guess... I don't like that this is coming to me so easily. But then again his decision about me moving out came to him easily enough, so...it evens out.
Art_Critic Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I can't break up with him unless I am prepared to leave, and I am not--at least, not now. I'm not going to stay in a studio apartment with an ex. I can't really put an end to it until I have somewhere else to go. Got it.. I wouldn't either.. put yourself first right now.. Hopefully something will shake loose with the apartment hunting and you will be able to resolve this..
Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 (edited) Got it.. I wouldn't either.. put yourself first right now.. Hopefully something will shake loose with the apartment hunting and you will be able to resolve this.. I just got off the phone with him. He said he saw a nice dress in a store he thought I would like but wasn't sure of my size...he wants to bring me something back from his trip. Sweet...but a new dress is not going to solve this. When we were talking Friday night we were telling each other what we each thought/felt about the fight we had. He ended up apologizing to me rather profusely for failing me. He said he had abandoned me when I needed him most, he's sorry he hurt me, etc. I didn't guilt him into this. I just told him my POV. He doesn't really think the financial troubles are the real problem. I said they're the root of it. I started out financially dependent and found it 'easy' to fall into becoming emotionally dependent, too. I did it unconsciously. I didn't check myself. He thinks he has become completely responsible for my happiness and that is what scares him. I understand that. I have been coming off that way a lot. But the issue is what he thinks will solve that. He thinks me moving out will do the trick. I think me finally contributing equally, being able to get out more, etc will do it. I think he feels that me moving out would be a greater force in me making more friends, cultivating other interests...that I understand, too. When you're put into a new situation like that you are forced to adapt in new ways, and branch out...whereas when you're comfortable you're less likely to go out of the box. I understand that. But the issue for me is that we're in a relationship, and no matter what made us move in together, me leaving makes the relationship go backward, and there's likely no recovering from that. Not to mention that it hurts like hell to hear him say he wants me to move out. It doesn't matter how we got into the living situation or what it was meant to be at first. He had changed his mind, he wanted me to stay. That he's changed his mind again, no matter what his reasons are for it, makes me feel like he just doesn't want me around. Edited September 11, 2011 by tigressA
Cee Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Your relationship is analogous to a see-saw, where you change positions but never exactly align. That sounds exhausting. Him buying you a dress is a weird gesture at this point in time. He's trying to normalize things rather than acknowledge that this is a major turning point in your relationship. My intuition tells me that once you move out, the relationship will die. But that doesn't sound like a bad thing. Good luck in your apartment search.
Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Your relationship is analogous to a see-saw, where you change positions but never exactly align. That sounds exhausting. Him buying you a dress is a weird gesture at this point in time. He's trying to normalize things rather than acknowledge that this is a major turning point in your relationship. My intuition tells me that once you move out, the relationship will die. But that doesn't sound like a bad thing. Good luck in your apartment search. It feels like that to me too. It makes me think he's trying to buy me off and make me more agreeable to his proposal. We're going to talk about it when we're at home tonight. I don't even want to move out. I want to work this out some other way. I'm only going through this process because it's what he's said he wants and if he doesn't relent I have no choice. It's hard wanting to work this out (I think we really could if we gave it a real shot) and also trying to accept the very real possibility that the relationship will end soon.
sm1tten Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 If you don't want to move out, what alternatives could you offer to him [and vice versa] that would make him feel like there's enough space and independence for both of you without taking that step? Because I think that you are probably right that he feel that [if this isn't him easing into a breakup but actually trying to make things work] if you are on your own then it would facilitate this - and while that's very true, it probably would also serve to draw you further apart. And if you DO move out, then what will you both do to try to maintain the relationship so that this doesn't happen? These are things that I wish my ex and I had discussed when I was moving out.
Kamille Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 He doesn't really think the financial troubles are the real problem. I said they're the root of it. I started out financially dependent and found it 'easy' to fall into becoming emotionally dependent, too. I agree with Smitten that you should think up other scenarios and see if you can find a compromise. You seem to be willing to take responsibility for your share of what happened. You two currently seem to be able to hear each other out without anger. His solution is for you to move out. It seems like a pretty drastic solution, considering there are plenty of alternatives. Are there any reasons why he wouldn't first suggest you branch out and build your own networks? Or was that what he was trying to do by introducing you to his friends? Was he trying to provide for you emotionally and did you keep shutting him down? Truth is, even if he was trying to provide for you emotionally, he was asking for trouble. He cannot be held responsible for your emotional well-being. So the question now is: what do you need in terms of emotional support T, and how are you going to set about getting it?
Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 (edited) If you don't want to move out, what alternatives could you offer to him [and vice versa] that would make him feel like there's enough space and independence for both of you without taking that step? Because I think that you are probably right that he feel that [if this isn't him easing into a breakup but actually trying to make things work] if you are on your own then it would facilitate this - and while that's very true, it probably would also serve to draw you further apart. And if you DO move out, then what will you both do to try to maintain the relationship so that this doesn't happen? These are things that I wish my ex and I had discussed when I was moving out. All good questions. We do have a lot to discuss when he comes back. It's difficult for me to trust he's sincere in what he says--that he wants me to move out because it would serve to better our relationship. I wonder exactly what he is thinking we could do, if I do move out, to make sure we don't grow apart. We are already on different work schedules (his 8-6, mine 12-9) that significantly limit the amount of time we spend together during the week that isn't eating dinner and/or sleeping. He'll be asleep 2 hours after I get home from work; I'll be getting out of bed when he's ready to leave for work. And if I move out and end up with roommates, which seems the most likely scenario as I would struggle to afford my own place unless I find a miraculous deal, he won't be able to be all up in the space as that's disrespectful to the others...and I'd most likely be staying with him at least a couple times a week as well, so it's like...what's the point?? Eventually we'll fall into almost-but-not-quite living together until we actually move in together again. I honestly think the absolute best way to work this out is for us to stay in the same place together and try living like we intended (being equal contributors, each of us having our own social networks, etc). So far because of circumstances, we have not been able to do this, but now we can. Moving out will solve nothing. If I move out, I will be forced into adapting, as I said. The TRUE challenge is figuring out if I can regain/maintain an independent lifestyle while living with him. Neither of us can figure that out if we're not living together. There are so many people who lead fulfilling lives while living alone but then once they move in with an SO it all falls by the wayside. Edited September 11, 2011 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 I agree with Smitten that you should think up other scenarios and see if you can find a compromise. You seem to be willing to take responsibility for your share of what happened. You two currently seem to be able to hear each other out without anger. His solution is for you to move out. It seems like a pretty drastic solution, considering there are plenty of alternatives. Are there any reasons why he wouldn't first suggest you branch out and build your own networks? Or was that what he was trying to do by introducing you to his friends? Was he trying to provide for you emotionally and did you keep shutting him down? Truth is, even if he was trying to provide for you emotionally, he was asking for trouble. He cannot be held responsible for your emotional well-being. So the question now is: what do you need in terms of emotional support T, and how are you going to set about getting it? Yeah, admittedly, that's what has been happening. He says he can't/doesn't want to be held responsible, but then he assumes responsibility anyway. He tends to say one thing and then do another with regard to this. He has, in a sense, been enabling my behavior. He keeps giving in to me and doing whatever he can instead of just letting me fend for myself in this regard. He said he does it because he doesn't like seeing me upset and he wants to help...but really, he only ends up hurting me and us in the long run. We're definitely both at fault here. We are more concerned with 'making it work' in the short term rather than long term. More about band-aids than cures.
Author tigressA Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 At least everything will be back to normal when we're at home...power is back on and whatnot. Won't be home for another 5 hours, though. Kind of annoying that he hasn't even started back here yet. I know he won't even want to talk later, saying he's 'too tired'. What the f*ck ever, shouldn't have waited so long to drive back. We're talking about it tonight, come hell or high water. Haha, high water.
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