I'm on Craigslist

September 9, 2011

I think the first priority is making a budget. Rent should be below 33% of your income. And then you need to look at food, utilities, etc. Cars are more expensive than public transit. The cost of a car is about 15% of a person's income if they have it. Here's a car cost calculator to see.

http://www.bikesatwork.com/carfree/cost-of-car-ownership.html

Getting out of a rent subsidized situation is difficult. Not only does someone have to make rent, but also has to cough up last month's rent and security.

It's smart that Tigressa went on Craigslist. The best solution in moving is to move into a house share. That way there might not be security and the rent is much lower. My first "apartment" at was me renting a room in a house with a married couple.

Sorry to geek out on budgeting. I love talking about saving money.

It depends how well public transportation works where she works/lives. It may be hard to find a cheap place near where she works etc. All depends on her locale. Anyway, she needs reliable transportation that works for her, and she needs a place to stay.

Honestly, I really don't understand why anyone under 40 lives alone---I get it once you're older and everyone decent to room with is all familied up and not available to room, but I'd never pay for a place alone in the U.S. I've lived alone when the school gave me my apartment, and I still don't get the allure. (Maybe a studio with a separate entrance or something if I had friendly neighbors.) I have so much more money than all my friends who live alone, even though I make less, because I got a place with roommates. And it's nice to have people around to make dinner with or have a chat or something. As long as you get a big enough place, I just don't get it. So, yeah, CL is the way to go.

September 9, 2011

tigress, I don't know if you are needy or not, or if he is dismissive or not, but it does sound like you two are mismatched.

I know some here seem horrified by your need and dependence, but some couples do very well with that level of interdependence and togetherness. You should find a guy who wants all that as much as you do.

My goodness, I'M horrified by it. I agree with Zengirl's post--it's more timing than anything else. I've been the same person since we started dating. When we started dating my circumstances were great. But my circumstances shortly after, nearly all of which were unavoidable though I tried my level best to avoid them, have set our relationship in a dysfunctional mode.

I think she hit the nail on the head (mo mo hit on it too when he mentioned me 'not knowing my role') when she wrote that while I've been so dependent on him, I should've made myself easier to live with, but I didn't. I clung SO HARD to any sense of independence and control that I could get my hands on that I became what people here and I myself think is intolerably controlling and needy. I should've just kept my head down and appreciated what I had instead of continuing to be stubborn and complain whenever I had a problem, expecting him to still give me that leverage without resenting me even though he was supporting me. Thank goodness that's come to an end, though only recently and it does seem like too little too late.

Eerie, that's what I said to him last night. I feel like if I left then more of my money would be going toward rent/utilities and likely even transportation to and from work which would further delay me being able to get a car--I would be forced to save less over time. But I don't know what he's thinking about it right now. If he wants me to leave I'll have to leave because it's not my apartment, my name is nowhere on the lease. He can just force me out anytime he wants. He could toss my stuff in the dumpsters outside the building. He wouldn't do that, but to reference the above paragraph again, I've been taking that for granted. I've refused to give up my stubborn nature these last months in order to retain some sense of independence, power and control since I lost it in other, important ways. Toss in the immense frustration and discomfort and shame I felt until recently at struggling, despite my best efforts, to regain what I lost...and it's a pretty toxic brew for any relationship to be simmering in.

I've been trying to find a way out of here but no cab companies nearby are answering their phones, public transit is shut down through Saturday and I've been watching the news. Most of the streets are closed and power/water are still off.

September 9, 2011

Honestly, I really don't understand why anyone under 40 lives alone---I get it once you're older and everyone decent to room with is all familied up and not available to room, but I'd never pay for a place alone in the U.S.

Ugh. I haven't had a roommate since I was 24 (unless I was living with a girlfriend).

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TOUCHING MY STUFF!!!

September 9, 2011

tigress, you may want to look at the rental laws within your jurisdiction. In some jurisdictions even if you don't have a lease or rental agreement, any "landlord" must give you a set amount of time prior to eviction.

What I don't like about this relationship is the power imbalance and how he's currently flexing his financial muscles. This doesn't vibe like a loving and concerned partner. It sounds like someone to ditch since he's showing you who's "boss".

September 9, 2011

I personally love living alone, and even though I am okay living with a partner (only done it once, though) I could not and will not ever live with a roommate again. It wasn't just that the experience was less than ideal; it just doesn't suit my personality at all.

Now, to TA's issue in this thread, I too have noted some really glaring incompatibilities between her and her boyfriend and I can't say I'm terribly surprised that it's devolving at about as fast a rate as it evolved in the first place. I have read some rather poor behavior on both sides of the relationship and while I definitely see both sides (and have been on both sides) there is a lack of - I don't know if it's compromise, or willingness to see the other side, or just plain stubborness, or what - but it seems like constant bickering and making up at this point but things don't actually seem to resolve. I don't think the solution is for her to have "more of a life" or to try to keep "fixing" things - especially the latter, as it is coming across as needy and controlling and is only making him feel more justified in asking her to move out, and as to the former, it may well be too late. The best thing she can do is what she is doing - taking stock of what her needs are and moving forward. Worry less about whether this is the beginning of the end (easier said that done, eh?) of the relationship, but instead about getting yourself into a space where you can feel comfortable with yourself.

September 9, 2011

tigress, you may want to look at the rental laws within your jurisdiction. In some jurisdictions even if you don't have a lease or rental agreement, any "landlord" must give you a set amount of time prior to eviction.

What I don't like about this relationship is the power imbalance and how he's currently flexing his financial muscles. This doesn't vibe like a loving and concerned partner. It sounds like someone to ditch since he's showing you who's "boss".

Of course we're only reading HER side of things.

September 9, 2011

It depends how well public transportation works where she works/lives. It may be hard to find a cheap place near where she works etc. All depends on her locale. Anyway, she needs reliable transportation that works for her, and she needs a place to stay.

Honestly, I really don't understand why anyone under 40 lives alone---I get it once you're older and everyone decent to room with is all familied up and not available to room, but I'd never pay for a place alone in the U.S. I've lived alone when the school gave me my apartment, and I still don't get the allure. (Maybe a studio with a separate entrance or something if I had friendly neighbors.) I have so much more money than all my friends who live alone, even though I make less, because I got a place with roommates. And it's nice to have people around to make dinner with or have a chat or something. As long as you get a big enough place, I just don't get it. So, yeah, CL is the way to go.

The thing is, I had already calculated a budget for me staying with BF. We were going to start splitting everything down the middle again, and I decided how much I could save, how much I could put toward my student loan payments, how much spending money I'd have every month, etc...everything. I currently live 1.7 miles from where I work, and it's all local streets, no highways. I have a bike that I use most of the time; I walk sometimes. I'm on training hours now but my regular schedule is going to be their third shift--12 noon-9 P.M. (M-F). It is IMPERATIVE for me to find a place 2 or fewer miles from where I work because of this. The public transit in this town sucks. The buses stop running at 9 P.M. on weeknights and by 6:30 on Saturdays; they don't even run on Sundays. So my options are pretty drastically limited by location alone, and even more so when I take in other factors like affordability and obviously wanting to find a roomie/roomies who I would get along with. I don't want any male roommates, for example.

September 9, 2011

Of course we're only reading HER side of things.

Times of stress like this are the perfect way to gauge indicators of future behaviour.

Right now, she's partially at his mercy. So, he's certainly showing her how loving he is. Push this out to future behaviour of being married or common-law where she's a stay at home partner or mother. What happens the next time he gets mad at her? Does he threaten her with no food if she doesn't behave?

September 9, 2011

The power imbalance between you cannot work, IMO, because even though you signed up for it, you are not temperamentally suited to the situation you knowingly placed yourself in.

You have an independent nature and you like to have things your way. Yet, here you are, 100% dependent upon another person to the point where you cannot even manage yourself for a weekend (acknowledging the crisis situation caused by the flood, as well as your feelings of rejection about being excluded from the visit, but still ...) on your own. This is NOT really acceptable for you or for anyone, TA. Being able to handle yourself on your own is part of being mature, and part of bringing a mature "you" into your relationships.

I think it's interesting about you that you have often written about how independent, and self centered you are - yet you went to a lot of trouble to end up in a situation where you have NOTHING unless you have it via your boyfriend. I am not taking his side on this, but I do think that you put yourself in here for some kind of a reason and I'm not sure what that might be. I do hope you won't do it anymore, though.

I also have read all the threads about this relationship.

I think that boundary issues are big here, too. (When don't I think that?)

You write:

I have not tried to prevent his trip from happening. I just wanted to be with him. He was so convinced that I would just have an awful time that he didn't want me there.

You really have, TA, posted quite a bit about how you did not like it when he was socializing with other Indian people and not speaking English, and how you preferred not to be there. I don't blame you. But HE probably wants to enjoy his visit with his brother without having to be preoccupied about your comfort level - and concerned with how you are going to behave if you don't feel pleased.

You've also posted quite a bit about how you "let him have it" bigtime when you are not happy about something. So, he probably feels like whatever he does, he loses, in this situation.

And, that brings up the fact that the two of you have NEVER established positive and constructive ways to work through conflicts. That's so key to having a good relationship, Tigress. And it's one of the many, many things that should be in place before a couple decides to live together.

I hope that whether you break up or not, you look at all of this carefully. Obviously (whether you acknowledge it or not), you very much want to be in a committed relationship where you are very important to your partner. You have to get yourself into a really solid place before this is likely to happen.

September 9, 2011

The power imbalance between you cannot work, IMO, because even though you signed up for it, you are not temperamentally suited to the situation you knowingly placed yourself in.

You have an independent nature and you like to have things your way. Yet, here you are, 100% dependent upon another person to the point where you cannot even manage yourself for a weekend (acknowledging the crisis situation caused by the flood, as well as your feelings of rejection about being excluded from the visit, but still ...) on your own. This is NOT really acceptable for you or for anyone, TA. Being able to handle yourself on your own is part of being mature, and part of bringing a mature "you" into your relationships.

I think it's interesting about you that you have often written about how independent, and self centered you are - yet you went to a lot of trouble to end up in a situation where you have NOTHING unless you have it via your boyfriend. I am not taking his side on this, but I do think that you put yourself in here for some kind of a reason and I'm not sure what that might be. I do hope you won't do it anymore, though.

I love how people here are thinking that I deliberately made things turn out the way they have been. "Went to a lot of trouble to end up in a situation..." Not true. Yes, I did make the decision to move in with him when I had a couple of other options (either of my parents, halfway across the state). Yes, we intended it to be a temporary condition. But both of us had changed our minds shortly after because we liked being together in this way. Then I had to quit my job for health reasons; I was unemployed for a month despite my unceasing efforts to find work. Then I was underemployed and still not making enough to contribute equally, again despite my unceasing efforts to find better work. I became depressed, uncomfortable with the situation, and deeply ashamed of what I perceived as my personal failure. Is it any wonder things turned out like they have?

I didn't seek out that situation beyond me moving in. It found me and despite how hard I worked to get out of it it took a lot longer than I ever wanted it to. It wasn't just a job I needed though, it was an attitude change. I still thought I could get away with acting the way I normally do despite being so wretchedly dependent, a circumstance I loathed being in but couldn't see my way out of. I hadn't ever been in a situation like this before and the negative feelings I had about it and myself began seeping into everything.

I think some people need to understand how demoralizing something like this is, especially when it's the first time it's happened to you. You work so hard and come up with nothing, all the while someone else is supporting you when you overwhelmingly feel you should be doing that yourself--you're trying, and failing. It becomes exceedingly difficult to find a positive aspect to almost anything. The depression, the anger and shame I started feeling--it's like a neverending cycle that only starts to come apart once you've found the means to do what you're supposed to be able to do for yourself.

Edited September 9, 2011 by tigressA

September 9, 2011

I love how people here are thinking that I deliberately made things turn out the way they have been. "Went to a lot of trouble to end up in a situation..." Not true. Yes, I did make the decision to move in with him when I had a couple of other options (either of my parents, halfway across the state). Yes, we intended it to be a temporary condition. But both of us had changed our minds shortly after because we liked being together in this way. Then I had to quit my job for health reasons; I was unemployed for a month despite my unceasing efforts to find work. Then I was underemployed and still not making enough to contribute equally, again despite my unceasing efforts to find better work. I became depressed, uncomfortable with the situation, and deeply ashamed of what I perceived as my personal failure. Is it any wonder things turned out like they have?

I didn't seek out that situation beyond me moving in. It found me and despite how hard I worked to get out of it it took a lot longer than I ever wanted it to. It wasn't just a job I needed though, it was an attitude change. I still thought I could get away with acting the way I normally do despite being so wretchedly dependent, a circumstance I loathed being in but couldn't see my way out of. I hadn't ever been in a situation like this before and the negative feelings I had about it and myself began seeping into everything.

I think some people need to understand how demoralizing something like this is, especially when it's the first time it's happened to you. You work so hard and come up with nothing, all the while someone else is supporting you when you overwhelmingly feel you should be doing that yourself--you're trying, and failing. It becomes exceedingly difficult to find a positive aspect to almost anything. The depression, the anger and shame I started feeling--it's like a neverending cycle that only starts to come apart once you've found the means to do what you're supposed to be able to do for yourself.

I get the impression that you like being a "victim."

Lots of people have lost their jobs in this economy and are, as a result, dealing with a bad financial situation. Many have wives and children to support and figure out a way to put a roof over their heads and food on the table. You make it sound like you're the only one who's had it tough. You justify everything.

You should have never moved in with someone you'd only known for 2 months. Period. If you had to move back in with your parents, so be it. Lots of people have to do that to get back on their feet.

You entered into your BFs home and world then expected him to be the center of your world. You haven't stopped to consider the major cultural differences and you've put him into a position where he's had to choose between those and you and that's not fair. Perhaps it was the fancy yellow Corvette that intrigued you.

The point is you're an adult and you need to stop relying on him to get you out of the mess that you're in. You're still dependent on him and you're begging him to let you stick around. It's sad, really.

September 9, 2011

There are always people who are better or worse off than you. It is a fact of life. That does not mean one's personal trials are not relevant, sad, depressing, angering, traumatizing, whatever else TO THEM. We don't know every circumstance in someone's life, either. Saying that "There are other people who..." does not and should not automatically lessen or invalidate one's experiences and related feelings. That also goes to handling such matters. Just because others appear to have better 'coping skills' doesn't mean one isn't doing or hasn't done all in their power to stay above water.

September 9, 2011

Ugh. I haven't had a roommate since I was 24 (unless I was living with a girlfriend).

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TOUCHING MY STUFF!!!

My roomies don't touch my stuff. I have my own room, bathroom, and office space. None of the living room stuff happens to be mine except the electronics, which they can totally use (I wouldn't put it out there if they couldn't) and they know that. I don't touch any of their stuff, except the sofa, dining table, etc. Anyway. . .

The power imbalance between you cannot work, IMO, because even though you signed up for it, you are not temperamentally suited to the situation you knowingly placed yourself in.

You have an independent nature and you like to have things your way. Yet, here you are, 100% dependent upon another person to the point where you cannot even manage yourself for a weekend (acknowledging the crisis situation caused by the flood, as well as your feelings of rejection about being excluded from the visit, but still ...) on your own. This is NOT really acceptable for you or for anyone, TA. Being able to handle yourself on your own is part of being mature, and part of bringing a mature "you" into your relationships.

I don't know that you consciously "decided" on this fate, tigressA, though you did make choices to lead up to it. I wouldn't agree with Mme. Chaucer that you "went to a lot of trouble" to end up this way, but you certainly allowed it to happen and, worse yet, you didn't DEAL with it (accept the dynamic as it was, etc), as you say above. Okay, now you know that, what can you do? Well, what you can't do is re-write the past.

Personally, I'm not sure JUST being independent will help at this point. I think being independent prior would've led to different experiences and behaviors for you both but NOW, it's too late for that. To a degree, you'd have to make amends. (And maybe he would too, but he's not the one looking for ways to fix this, so it's pointless to talk about that. You never go LOOKING for someone else to make amends to you. You only approach what you can do. The opposite doesn't work. So this is all assuming that you do want to make this relationship work.) Getting yourself out of the situation is part of it, but it sounds like graciousness and gratitude are also a part of it. And giving in sometimes. Honestly, breadwinner or not, everyone has to learn how to give in so they can be a good partner. I can remember quite a few times he gave into you, and some were even gracious (some were begrudging, some were not though). It is hard for me to remember any you gave into him. That said, I don't know everything that happens---you probably only tell us about the problems, which is usually happening when you don't want to give in.

I feel like your dependence made you feel even more powerless and thus made you potentially more controlling and interested in power in the relationship than you would otherwise be, but I could be off on that. You tell me.

September 9, 2011

I don't know that you consciously "decided" on this fate, tigressA, though you did make choices to lead up to it. I wouldn't agree with Mme. Chaucer that you "went to a lot of trouble" to end up this way, but you certainly allowed it to happen and, worse yet, you didn't DEAL with it (accept the dynamic as it was, etc), as you say above. Okay, now you know that, what can you do? Well, what you can't do is re-write the past.

Personally, I'm not sure JUST being independent will help at this point. I think being independent prior would've led to different experiences and behaviors for you both but NOW, it's too late for that. To a degree, you'd have to make amends. (And maybe he would too, but he's not the one looking for ways to fix this, so it's pointless to talk about that. You never go LOOKING for someone else to make amends to you. You only approach what you can do. The opposite doesn't work. So this is all assuming that you do want to make this relationship work.) Getting yourself out of the situation is part of it, but it sounds like graciousness and gratitude are also a part of it. And giving in sometimes. Honestly, breadwinner or not, everyone has to learn how to give in so they can be a good partner. I can remember quite a few times he gave into you, and some were even gracious (some were begrudging, some were not though). It is hard for me to remember any you gave into him. That said, I don't know everything that happens---you probably only tell us about the problems, which is usually happening when you don't want to give in.

I feel like your dependence made you feel even more powerless and thus made you potentially more controlling and interested in power in the relationship than you would otherwise be, but I could be off on that. You tell me.

Thank you again, Zengirl. You've been right the whole time, particularly with the bold here. Some of this I've restated in my own words.

I wouldn't really know where to start with making amends though, aside from saying sorry which I have already done. BF and I talked a few hours ago and he said everything is fine. I got the distinct idea that he just didn't want to talk about what's been going on, which I understand.

September 9, 2011

Thank you again, Zengirl. You've been right the whole time, particularly with the bold here. Some of this I've restated in my own words.

I wouldn't really know where to start with making amends though, aside from saying sorry which I have already done. BF and I talked a few hours ago and he said everything is fine. I got the distinct idea that he just didn't want to talk about what's been going on, which I understand.

I had a great teacher who used to say "the root word of 'amends' is MEND, and that's an action verb" (corny, I know). She wanted us to know that it wasn't just about saying sorry; it's about what you do and how you act. Making amends, to me, is literally mending what's wrong and adapting for the future. The independence is part of that, but so is developing an attitude of graciousness, being more grateful (past and future), and taking other actions to create a more positive dynamic in the future. Dwelling on past errors is really a terrible way to make amends, but not making the same mistakes is important, of course.

I don't think you need to talk about it, but you need to show him that things will be difference. Words are cheap, as they say. That will take time, but if the relationship is worth the recovery, it will recover. And if not, you are probably just too incompatible, and you'll be okay even though that sucks.

September 9, 2011

I had a great teacher who used to say "the root word of 'amends' is MEND, and that's an action verb" (corny, I know). She wanted us to know that it wasn't just about saying sorry; it's about what you do and how you act. Making amends, to me, is literally mending what's wrong and adapting for the future. The independence is part of that, but so is developing an attitude of graciousness, being more grateful (past and future), and taking other actions to create a more positive dynamic in the future. Dwelling on past errors is really a terrible way to make amends, but not making the same mistakes is important, of course.

I don't think you need to talk about it, but you need to show him that things will be difference. Words are cheap, as they say. That will take time, but if the relationship is worth the recovery, it will recover. And if not, you are probably just too incompatible, and you'll be okay even though that sucks.

Sounds good. At this point I'm honestly not sure if it is worth the recovery. I kind of feel like perhaps I should leave as soon as I can and then just see where we're at in the relationship after a month or two, or twelve...

Still looking for places, but no luck at all so far. No response from the people I did contact, either. I don't like that I need to limit myself location-wise; it's hampering the search hardcore but it's absolutely necessary because of how the public transit works (stops after 9 PM) and the shift that I have at my job (ends at 9 PM). If I went anywhere outside of my 2-mile rule I'd be paying anywhere from $50-100+ a week just getting to and from work by cab and that's money I could be putting toward a lot of other important things.

Edited September 9, 2011 by tigressA

September 9, 2011

TA, are you looking at just "rooms for rent" on CL? The reason I ask is because you might also want to check for subletted rooms, or even subletted apartments if they fit your budget.

September 9, 2011

Yeah, I have been looking at subletted places too. No luck. I'm completing a profile on roommates.com which seems at least a little more promising than CL from first glance.

BF and I talked again and it was nice. We're both feeling better.

September 9, 2011

I love how people here are thinking that I deliberately made things turn out the way they have been. "Went to a lot of trouble to end up in a situation..." Not true. Yes, I did make the decision to move in with him when I had a couple of other options (either of my parents, halfway across the state).

I'm sorry. I was afraid that what I posted would make you feel defensive, and that was not my purpose.

Still, I do maintain that moving to another town and in with your new boyfriend really was not the "easy" way to resolve your situation. I'm sure it took some doing. You could have gone on Craigslist, couch surfing (http://eugene.craigslist.org/fuo/2590486798.html ; another option now, too)

temp work, etc, at the time. You certainly have some friends and people in your life besides your mother, father and boyfriend. Instead, you moved in with your boyfriend. I believe that is what you REALLY wanted to do at that time, rather than explore other options. And so, that's what you did.

Obviously, if you didn't have a boyfriend at that time who was ready and willing to support you while you worked on getting on your feet, you certainly would have figured something out.

I feared it would not go well for you but also, I think that doing things like that is part of being young for many of us, including myself at your age, and my daughter currently. I'm not judging you for it at all, but your choice to do it came with its consequences.

I think some people need to understand how demoralizing something like this is, especially when it's the first time it's happened to you. You work so hard and come up with nothing, all the while someone else is supporting you when you overwhelmingly feel you should be doing that yourself--you're trying, and failing. It becomes exceedingly difficult to find a positive aspect to almost anything. The depression, the anger and shame I started feeling--it's like a neverending cycle that only starts to come apart once you've found the means to do what you're supposed to be able to do for yourself.

You might be very surprised at how many of us HAVE been in similar situations, one way or the other.

September 11, 2011

I can't...I'm stuck here. I don't know anyone nearby who I could stay with; that's pretty much what got me here. And even if I could, I'd feel like a total ******* leaving when he's the one who paid for the room.

OliveOyl, that's EXACTLY how I see it. He saw it as me just making a small sacrifice so he could enjoy the weekend with his brother who he hasn't seen in 4 years. He even referred to my complaint about hanging out with his friends, about the language barrier--he said I wouldn't have fun anyway because they'd be catching up and I'd feel left out. I made the point that I didn't care about that as long as we could just be together; I was freaked out by the flood stuff, but he didn't want that.

I think this is his little bout of revenge...he actually said earlier he thinks I've been 'abusing' the relationship and taking things for granted, that I have to have my way all the time, and that just because he doesn't always say anything doesn't mean he's not paying attention. Instead of sitting me down and talking to me like an adult he decides to retaliate like a petty child.

Sounds like in arguments you aren't conceding or meeting in the middle? Then he's left being the bigger person very frequently in arguments, which in the short term is okay and fine, but in the long term is incredibly frustrating.

September 11, 2011

When BF got there he said I was being 'irrational' and 'panicking', that it 'wasn't that bad' and he's dealt with that stuff before, that the river probably won't even rise like they're saying it will because it hasn't yet. I said, "It's not rainy season in India! THIS is where we're at right now, they're telling us to get out, I'm only doing as I've been told!" I was TOTALLY pissed off because he was completely invalidating how I felt about it, how scared and stressed I was, and on top of that he was seeking to exclude me completely from his weekend plans while I was under such stress and needed his support, needed him to understand.

We had a ridiculous fight recently because he mentioned some girl who lives in our building who he's run into a few times who asked him if he wanted to go to temple sometime (Hindu). I brought up the fact that he's Atheist and was like, "Why would you even go?" He then hit on the very true fact that I just didn't want him going somewhere with some other girl without me. I acknowledged that. I thought it was inherently disrespectful to our relationship. He thought I was being controlling and way too insecure. At one point he was upset enough to say he didn't want me to go with him if he ever went. I went off on him then, saying that if he really didn't want me to go then it must be because he has intentions he doesn't want me to know about. We made up and he said of course he'd want me to go if he ever went...but it still rankled me.

These are pretty big fights over nothing, and should probably be getting resolved a lot faster. The second one you are probably both correct in your points - you are being over the top, insecure, etc. about him going to some temple with a girl, however, he may have some secret interest in this girl he doesn't want to address. I don't know; honestly I'd probably side with him (you're being pretty controlling).

The first fight he's probably just calmer under pressure and didn't understand why you were so worked up.

September 11, 2011

One thing I started to realize about our relationship recently is that it has always been "me me me" "mine mine mine" and "you you you" "yours yours yours". It has never been "we" or "us" or "ours". We (ha!) have continued to look out primarily for our own interests. I think it's incredibly difficult for each of us to think in terms of "we" "us" or "ours". I don't even know where to start. Like K said, I think we both want to be in charge and neither of us trust the other to make decisions for both of us. I don't trust him because I think he just wants to make me live my life the way that would best suit him and he assumes that what would best suit him is what's best for me too. He doesn't trust me because he feels like I'm irresponsible (which I'm not) and unappreciative (which I admittedly am).

and there you have it.

recognizing that is a pretty good first step toward avoiding the same mistakes again in the future. but it'll take a conscious effort every day to stop being a selfish person, if you want to avoid other selfish people.

September 11, 2011

You're not actually going to try to maintain this farce of a 'relationship' with this guy, are you?

I'm afraid I agree...

The guy has you move in with him then boots you out...

September 11, 2011

I think he's been pulling away and it has been making me more insecure. In some relationships I've had it was never a matter of me needing to be more 'independent' or whatever. I think he prefers more distance, while I prefer otherwise. That's why I think me moving out is taking the relationship backward, and he thinks it will be good for us. I am really, really not sure if it will work out.

And this finding a place stuff is frustrating. So many of these roommate finder sites charge you for use of all the features. I do have a showing scheduled for tomorrow for a solo place but I am not sure I can even afford it.

September 11, 2011

tigressA... going backwards is a bad thing..

IMO.. this is his easy way of breaking up.. after you move out he will continue to distance himself or just want you for sex..

Why are you agreeing to this ? why are you not just calling and end to the relationship ?

What is is doing has to hurt.. does he not care that he is hurting you ?

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