OliveOyl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Maybe the poor guy feels overwhelmed in that he felt no choice but to invite her to "temporarily" move in with him but then felt resentful that she wasn't obviously leaving (and making her own independent living arrangements) and on top of that not paying her fair share and resenting him for wanting to hang out with friends who don't speak English? A woman should never have to move in with someone because her only option is either that or moving back home with her parents. Maybe he's being cold and distant lately because he's feeling stuck and uncomfortable with having someone who's so needy? we're only reading her side of the story here. She does come across, to me, somewhat emotionally needy based on her recent post in which she resorted to phoning everyone in her phone including her 2 former bosses for crying out loud. What's the big deal with spending some time alone? Watch some TV, watch a movie. Read a book. Tigress has been posting about her relationship for some time, and one thing was that she always felt badly about the financial arrangement and never wanted to accept his money unless absolutely necessary. As well she's finally gotten a job and can start to turn things around. Yes he very well may feel resentful but from what I've understood from the threads it's not really been about the money. I enjoy spending time alone personally and am very used to it but I can tell you if my BF just decided to dump me in a motel during an emotional time (a flood evacuation! which I've never personally had to do in my whole life) while he went off to enjoy himself AND he didn't discuss it with me beforehand, I'd be more than pissed. I'd probably dump his ass over it. It wouldn't be about the money OR spending time alone, it's just a very cold action and shows a real lack of emotional support.
Nexus One Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 To be honest I find all the excuses based on neediness of the partner to be a little weird, at the very least poorly a poorly described argument. Let's face it. For many people, not all, but many, when they're head over heels with someone, then they tend to kind of like it when the person they're crushing on is kind of needy. Why? Well simple, it feels good if you feel needed by someone you like, it feels good they make you feel like they want to stick around, like they want to interact with you. So in my opinion, if that's the argument used for creating space or for breaking up, then there are more or different factors that play a role too. If I like a girl/woman she would need to be pretty f*cking needy before she starts to annoy me. She would literally need to start to create serious problems which stem from neediness before I'd use neediness as an excuse for space or as a reason to break up. So there might be more factors at play here and it's even possible he's not realizing what those factors exactly are himself. Sometimes we're not entirely conscious of all the factors that are influencing us to do certain things.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 It apparently was never such a big problem until now--now he apparently just can't handle it anymore. I'm thinking why the f*ck did he wait until NOW to say that? We've talked about it other times before and now he pulls out the "You need to move out" card. This comes after the quite magical Labor Day weekend we had--which he insisted on staying home with me for even though I encouraged him to go alone to see his friends. It wasn't even like I didn't want him to go to NY to see his brother! I just asked to go with him! And his being adamant about me not going with him was enough to set me off and accuse him of not wanting me around anymore, etc etc... And like I said, my situation is improving so much now. Starting next week it's going to be so different; he knew this and we had even talked about it together and I was so excited and yet today he said he wants me to leave. It doesn't look like he'll change his mind. I want to stay with him because I love him, not because I'm 'afraid' of living my own completely separate life like he said he thinks I am. I've lived my own separate life for years; I spend plenty of time alone. I feel like he's being mean to me and putting words in my mouth and feelings in my heart that don't exist.
Cee Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Hey Tigressa - I don't have much advice to give at this moment. I've followed your story and there is something about it I don't understand. Him sending you to a hotel not of your choosing makes no sense. There are things that I don't understand about him and your relationship. One thing I can tell you is pay through the nose for that taxi and have an adventure. I think you need it. You might be able to "hire" a friend to drive out and fetch you. You can repay their kindness with gas money and dinner. And if that doesn't work, you have a lot of time to meditate and think. I don't want you to become a victim. You still have choices even if they are to draw pictures of you stabbing your boyfriend. Keep posting through the weekend. Maybe you can use this thread to reflect.
country_gurl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) TigressA, I've read some of your previous posts here to hopefully get a better sense of your situation, mostly because twice now I've asked you specific questions and you've chosen to ignore them (what are your ages? how long did you date prior to living together, etc). It seems you have a real issue with the cultural differences between you 2. He's from India and hasn't lived in the U.S. for all that long, you're non-Indian. I can tell you right now, as someone who has many Indian friends and as someone who lives in a part of the world where there is an extremely high Indian population; Indian guys pretty much NEVER marry women who aren't also Indian. Their culture is very important to them, and mostly to their parents. Most end up in arranged marriages, in fact. Parents of Indian men do not accept a girlfriend who is not Indian. You admittedly have issues about him communicating in his native language in your presence (to his friends); citing that you have no idea what he's saying or that he could be talking about other women and you wouldn't even know it. It doesn't seem you embrace your cultural differences at all. And I suspect that he decided to spend the weekend with you instead of spending it out with his Indian friends (and you) because he could sense that you just weren't into it and he just didn't want the hassle or fight. If you can't accept a partner's culture and language, then you really have no business being with them. Period. It's not like you just woke up one day and realized he was Indian. I would also venture to guess that his family have no idea that you're living with him because that would be very much against Indian culture/values. It's possible, too, that he didn't invite you to visit his brother in NYC with him because he didn't want to risk his brother finding out you 2 live together. I work with a lot of Indian people and the norm is that even when engaged, they each live with their respective families (parents) until they're officially married; they would be considered outcasts, even if engaged, to be living together. And I'm talking about people in their 20s and early 30s. Living together goes against Indian culture 110%. Sorry to say it but I doubt that his family would ever really accept you because you're not Indian. Some families will even disown a child if that child chooses to marry someone who's not Indian. I think you need to seriously do your homework on Indian culture. Culture and family is very important to Indians. I'm surprised that he ever agreed to let you move in with him. Perhaps this all came about "now" because I imagine it would be extremely difficult to ask someone to move out if they sensed things weren't working and perhaps he saw the flood/evacuation as an opportunity to make the break. At least he was decent enough to pay for a hotel for you as opposed to just leaving you to fend for yourself. I think this fairly recent thread of yours really exemplifies the huge differences you 2 have and your issues with the cultural differences: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293169/ Edited September 9, 2011 by country_gurl
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Tigress has been posting about her relationship for some time, and one thing was that she always felt badly about the financial arrangement and never wanted to accept his money unless absolutely necessary. As well she's finally gotten a job and can start to turn things around. Yes he very well may feel resentful but from what I've understood from the threads it's not really been about the money. I enjoy spending time alone personally and am very used to it but I can tell you if my BF just decided to dump me in a motel during an emotional time (a flood evacuation! which I've never personally had to do in my whole life) while he went off to enjoy himself AND he didn't discuss it with me beforehand, I'd be more than pissed. I'd probably dump his ass over it. It wouldn't be about the money OR spending time alone, it's just a very cold action and shows a real lack of emotional support. Thank you, OliveOyl. I was insanely stressed out and scared over the flooding conditions. This is what my day was like: I started out at work and I heard rumors of one of the main bridges being closed, and that they had evacuated the governor's mansion, which is only a few blocks from my apartment building. My apartment building is right on the street that runs right along the main river that has been rising for the last 2 days and is expected to crest over major flood stage. I start checking the news but the latest is from a couple hours prior and no other updates are coming in. I have to ask one of my training supervisors if I can call BF and my building manager to find out what's going on. I call BF, he doesn't have any idea, I tell him I'll CB once I find out more. I call the building manager 3 separate times to find out what's going on; the phone is ringing and ringing and no one answers. I finally decide I need to leave to really find out what's going on, so I get my permission and go, inwardly griping that I am sacrificing more than half a day's pay and probably all of tomorrow's. I race back to my building on my bike in the rain, dither over where to put my bike, and find out I have to climb 12 flights of stairs because the elevators are shut off; water has gotten into them. I see guys who are clearly from the fire dept. on my floor just a door down from mine and ask if they're evacuating, they say they are. Power and water is being shut off in roughly half an hour...I cram all the perishables from our fridge into our small freezer, empty the trash, and pack a bag for myself and BF. I called him 3 times before he answered. I heard a lady crying in the stairwell and I couldn't bear it so I went to help her carry her bags that had broken. When BF got there he said I was being 'irrational' and 'panicking', that it 'wasn't that bad' and he's dealt with that stuff before, that the river probably won't even rise like they're saying it will because it hasn't yet. I said, "It's not rainy season in India! THIS is where we're at right now, they're telling us to get out, I'm only doing as I've been told!" I was TOTALLY pissed off because he was completely invalidating how I felt about it, how scared and stressed I was, and on top of that he was seeking to exclude me completely from his weekend plans while I was under such stress and needed his support, needed him to understand.
Nexus One Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) I'll tell you, I never gave a flying f*ck about flooding until I once got into one myself in the middle of some city. I was outside and it started raining SO HARD, that I started to get isolated by rising water all around me and within 3 minutes after the rain started I was standing knee deep in flood water, sh*t and piss because the sewage system had reached overcapacity and manholes were overflowing. It was then that I understood how people get taken by surprise by floods and die in them, because it happened so fast and the water had risen so quickly. I think most people, like me, will not take flooding seriously until they themselves get surprised by one. Edited September 9, 2011 by Nexus One
Kamille Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 What a mess! I don't know if I remember this correctly but... Wasn't the original plan that you were only supposed to stay at his place until you found a job and found a place of your own? When did that change? Did you two discuss it? I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and unsupported. I think I would also feel betrayed if my boyfriend left me stranded a whole weekend. I take it the trip to see his brother was unplanned? To be honest, something bothers me about your reaction. You're proving him right: you're being emotionally needy. I understand you had a rough day and feel abandoned. I absolutely agree that he should have been able to recognize you needed his support. And yet, what if you had been on your own? What would you have done? And why aren't you looking for better hotel accommodations if your current location is so unsatisfactory? Why aren't you helping yourself? I'm left feeling like you're more invested in being angry at him than in helping yourself take control of the situation.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 What a mess! I don't know if I remember this correctly but... Wasn't the original plan that you were only supposed to stay at his place until you found a job and found a place of your own? When did that change? Did you two discuss it? I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and unsupported. I think I would also feel betrayed if my boyfriend left me stranded a whole weekend. I take it the trip to see his brother was unplanned? To be honest, something bothers me about your reaction. You're proving him right: you're being emotionally needy. I understand you had a rough day and feel abandoned. I absolutely agree that he should have been able to recognize you needed his support. And yet, what if you had been on your own? What would you have done? And why aren't you looking for better hotel accommodations if your current location is so unsatisfactory? Why aren't you helping yourself? I'm left feeling like you're more invested in being angry at him than in helping yourself take control of the situation. Yeah, that was the plan. But it did change--we had talked about it a few times. He said he didn't want me to leave. Until now... If I had been on my own I would've done what I could. I honestly can't say what that would be. If I would've had to stick it out in my building without water or power, I would have. And I am not 'helping myself' because I'm unable to. I can't afford better accommodations. My only option is to take a cab back into the city but that isn't feasible right now; pretty much everything out there is shut down due to flooding and I don't know when the all-clear to return will be given. As soon as I find out it's cool to return I'm gone from here; I don't care anymore how much the fare will cost. Until then, I'm quite literally stuck.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Ugh. I just sent him this long email. I need to preoccupy myself some other way. It's so hard though...I feel like I want to play handy-man and fix all this as soon as possible. I just want to know that everything is okay. I am feeling so unsure and scared.
Kamille Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 That's a rough spot. I hate feeling unsure about a relationship and unsure that every thing will be ok. The bottom line is this though: no matter what, you will be ok. And I'm not saying this in a vengeful "who needs him" way. I am saying this in the hopes that you can calm down and hopefully be open to an honest conversation with him, where you're ready to hear him out. No matter what, you will be fine. You're just hoping he will want to find his way back to you again. It sounds like you two have had a lot of fights and misunderstanding lately. Something feels unbalanced about your relationship. I can't quite put my finger on it.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 No matter what, you will be fine. You're just hoping he will want to find his way back to you again. It sounds like you two have had a lot of fights and misunderstanding lately. Something feels unbalanced about your relationship. I can't quite put my finger on it. Yeah, we have had a lot of fights. It seemed like we were really back on track last weekend--it was so nice. He even said it was the best time we've had together. And that's already downgraded to the current situation...it's depressing. We had a ridiculous fight recently because he mentioned some girl who lives in our building who he's run into a few times who asked him if he wanted to go to temple sometime (Hindu). I brought up the fact that he's Atheist and was like, "Why would you even go?" He then hit on the very true fact that I just didn't want him going somewhere with some other girl without me. I acknowledged that. I thought it was inherently disrespectful to our relationship. He thought I was being controlling and way too insecure. At one point he was upset enough to say he didn't want me to go with him if he ever went. I went off on him then, saying that if he really didn't want me to go then it must be because he has intentions he doesn't want me to know about. We made up and he said of course he'd want me to go if he ever went...but it still rankled me. Later I had asked him if he thought the girl was pretty, he said yes...he has no plans to go and I actually brought the whole thing up with him again when we were on the phone earlier. He said, "I told you, I was only interested in going because I thought I could meet new people..." I said, "You never, ever said one word to me like that when you first told me about it." He said, "Fine, but I'm not even going anyway, so why are you still worried about it??" Now I'm even more paranoid because he used some excuse that he had never breathed a word of when he first told me about it--like he is attracted to that girl and obviously doesn't want me to know so he's trying to throw me off. Wow, I think way too much. I wish I could turn parts of my brain off.
country_gurl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Yeah, we have had a lot of fights. It seemed like we were really back on track last weekend--it was so nice. He even said it was the best time we've had together. And that's already downgraded to the current situation...it's depressing. We had a ridiculous fight recently because he mentioned some girl who lives in our building who he's run into a few times who asked him if he wanted to go to temple sometime (Hindu). I brought up the fact that he's Atheist and was like, "Why would you even go?" He then hit on the very true fact that I just didn't want him going somewhere with some other girl without me. I acknowledged that. I thought it was inherently disrespectful to our relationship. He thought I was being controlling and way too insecure. At one point he was upset enough to say he didn't want me to go with him if he ever went. I went off on him then, saying that if he really didn't want me to go then it must be because he has intentions he doesn't want me to know about. We made up and he said of course he'd want me to go if he ever went...but it still rankled me. Later I had asked him if he thought the girl was pretty, he said yes...he has no plans to go and I actually brought the whole thing up with him again when we were on the phone earlier. He said, "I told you, I was only interested in going because I thought I could meet new people..." I said, "You never, ever said one word to me like that when you first told me about it." He said, "Fine, but I'm not even going anyway, so why are you still worried about it??" Now I'm even more paranoid because he used some excuse that he had never breathed a word of when he first told me about it--like he is attracted to that girl and obviously doesn't want me to know so he's trying to throw me off. Wow, I think way too much. I wish I could turn parts of my brain off. Holy shyte. You DO seem very controlling and extremely insecure. So many of your posts about your BF include such drama and him having to explain himself to you, your need for constant explanations and reassurance. It's no wonder the guy needs a breather!! You don't like his friends, you don't like his culture, you don't like his family, you don't like the hotel he was good enough to set you up in, you don't like the fact that he wanted to spend some time with his brother, bla bla bla. NO guy wants to feel like he has to walk on eggshells or constantly be interrogated and grilled and made to explain himself. You moved in with this guy after only 2 months, for what was supposed to be a temporary situation. I'd say he's pulling away because he's feeling smothered and is tired of the fighting and constant bickering and every little thing being made to be something big. Why don't you just seriously focus on getting yourself sorted out financially, living on your own, establishing a network of friends and your own interests so that not everything has to rely on a guy for your happiness and survival.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Funnily enough, the more I look through this thread and the more I think about it...leaving seems a bit better. Maybe I should do more than move out. Maybe I should break with him. We've been having a lot of trouble and I just don't know if it will all work out. Country_Gurl, I appreciate your input but at the same time I think you're being harsh. You're seriously overstating when you say I 'don't like' things. And as I have had to state repeatedly (and as OliveOyl also stated on my behalf), I have not tried to prevent his trip from happening. I just wanted to be with him. He was so convinced that I would just have an awful time that he didn't want me there. I was freaked out and just wanted to be able to know he was there with me; I had nowhere else to go. He still only offered me options that didn't include him and expected me to be okay with it despite me being overwhelmed by everything that was happening. Even when I was in a time when I was really busy (i.e. in college) with hardly a minute to breathe, I still overanalyzed and demonstrated very similar behavior. This isn't just because you all think I have too much time on my hands.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Looks like I'm not sleeping tonight. I don't feel tired at all. I wish my issues were as easy to solve as 'getting more of a life'--I say 'more of' because I already do have one; apparently to some people it's not enough. I try to convince myself that's all I need but it isn't. I would benefit from therapy much more than anything else. And now that I'm finally able to afford it I'm going to look for somewhere I can go to get it.
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) Double post Edited September 9, 2011 by tigressA
Kamille Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I'm not sleeping either. Damn insomnia. I'm stressed about work. Honestly, of the two, I would rather be stressed about work than stressed about a relationship. And I'm not even stressed about losing my job in the near future. I'm stressing myself out about whether I'm going to be good at my job. In other words, I'm stressing myself out for no good reason. But enough about me. T, it sounds like you're often uneasy, insecure and disappointed in your relationship. I wonder if there is a core incompatibility that is at the root of this, or if it is something that you could both work on. I also wonder if you realize how important it is for romantic to feel appreciated. I feel like you're both fighting to be in charge in your relationship, and don't trust the other's capacity to make decisions that are right for the both of you.
BeyondtheClouds Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 ****but also frees him up to go out for a few hours after work 5 days out of the week, **** You do sound needy. HE should be able to go out after work whether you have a job or not. Don't you have some books, magazines, personal projects that you need to take care of so that he doesn't have to babysit you every freakin hour?
Cee Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Ugh. I just sent him this long email. I need to preoccupy myself some other way. It's so hard though...I feel like I want to play handy-man and fix all this as soon as possible. I just want to know that everything is okay. I am feeling so unsure and scared. That's a rough spot. I hate feeling unsure about a relationship and unsure that every thing will be ok. The bottom line is this though: no matter what, you will be ok. I agree with Kamille. Not only will you will be okay, you are already okay at your inner core. The problem is you are doubting your own intuition and life experience. You were capable of fleeing your apartment, climbing 12 flights of stairs, helping a woman in crisis, and getting to the hotel. All those actions of strength and independence speak louder than 1,000 words of reassurance from your boyfriend or from LS. I know you want to fix everything now with words and "decisions." Life simply does not work that way. A decision is pointless without action. I know you want to find a new apartment, possibly break up with your boyfriend, and go into therapy. You can't do any of these things in a hotel room. The one thing you can do now is take the first step. And sometimes the first step is eating a meal or getting sleep. Tigressa, I feel like you are at a choice point in your life. Here is when you must dig deep within yourself and listen. If you hear nothing from your heart, listen with your feet. Your feet are the ones who do the work while your head chatters like a flighty friend. I have been in your place during my divorce and all I knew was I had to leave my ex. I knew everything was a mess, but I couldn't think my way out of it. All I did was move my body and then collapse at night in a fetal position. It was the worst time of my life because I had no serene intuition anymore. I only followed a primal desire to be free. Somehow it worked out because I put a bunch of little steps together. I know you will be okay because you are already okay. There are no mistakes here, only learning experiences.
mo mo Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 To be honest I find all the excuses based on neediness of the partner to be a little weird, at the very least poorly a poorly described argument. Let's face it. For many people, not all, but many, when they're head over heels with someone, then they tend to kind of like it when the person they're crushing on is kind of needy. Why? Well simple, it feels good if you feel needed by someone you like, it feels good they make you feel like they want to stick around, like they want to interact with you. So in my opinion, if that's the argument used for creating space or for breaking up, then there are more or different factors that play a role too. If I like a girl/woman she would need to be pretty f*cking needy before she starts to annoy me. She would literally need to start to create serious problems which stem from neediness before I'd use neediness as an excuse for space or as a reason to break up. So there might be more factors at play here and it's even possible he's not realizing what those factors exactly are himself. Sometimes we're not entirely conscious of all the factors that are influencing us to do certain things. I agree with this post.. and if you combine it with what I was alluding to, you have your answer. Guys like to provide and they like to feel needed. It doesn't matter how financially secure a guy is-- even if the stuff he's been giving you has barely even made a dent in his fortune-- he is still going to expect some kind of reciprocation. It doesn't need to be financial, he just wants to be appreciated for who he is and he wants respect above all else. If the woman in the relationship makes the guy feel like he "isn't doing enough", then the **** is guaranteed to hit the fan. He provides all the things he does without thinking twice about it. He knows no relationship is ever going to be perfect so he is shocked when the woman starts bringing up or causing issues that are basically trivial or unimportant to him. Now, that's how I'd feel if I was in that situation (and I was in a very similar one a while back). Take into account tigressa's boyfriend comes from a culture where women are willingly subservient to men, then you can basically multiply how I'd feel about the situation by 1000. Bottom line: he feels that you don't know your place in your current arrangement and you will need to change significant things about your relationship for the time being (breaking up or moving out).
Author tigressA Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 One thing I started to realize about our relationship recently is that it has always been "me me me" "mine mine mine" and "you you you" "yours yours yours". It has never been "we" or "us" or "ours". We (ha!) have continued to look out primarily for our own interests. I think it's incredibly difficult for each of us to think in terms of "we" "us" or "ours". I don't even know where to start. Like K said, I think we both want to be in charge and neither of us trust the other to make decisions for both of us. I don't trust him because I think he just wants to make me live my life the way that would best suit him and he assumes that what would best suit him is what's best for me too. He doesn't trust me because he feels like I'm irresponsible (which I'm not) and unappreciative (which I admittedly am).
zengirl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 tigressA, I read the whole thread and most of your others lately about this relationship. In my opinion, there are some rather gaping compatibility issues at play in your relationship, and I would be very surprised if they were resolved without major changes from both of you. And you both seem pretty stubborn. (And there's not necessarily anything wrong with who either of you ARE --- though you've both likely made mistakes in actions and reactions --- it just seems like the fit is awkward and volatile sometimes and getting more so over time, which is often what happens when two people aren't compatible in important ways.) I don't want to sound all judgy and Eeyore about your relationship, but it doesn't look good. And I get the sense from you that you feel the same. Some things are timing issues --- your current situation is a product of where you are and the timing in your life, that's true. There's a line in the song "Name" (Goo Goo Dolls) I always liked when I was a teenager that goes, "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are." And ain't that the truth. While your timing issues aren't YOU, they are going to impact your relationships big-time, and none of us get "do overs" when we're ready now. The dynamic in your relationship was set by those situations, and the dynamic they set was dysfunctional. You have the stubbornness of an independent person, but you've been dependent on him to such an extreme degree (not an insult --- just what happened, and I think you've felt that extreme degree because it's not YOU perse; just where you were/are) that it doesn't work that way. When you're in the kind of precarious position you were in, personally and financially, you can't go into a partnership without that being a part of it. I have been on both sides of the financial coin (supporting and supported) at various points, though it was later into the relationship than you experienced, and even though I don't care about money, I see the dynamics. (I'm not talking about someone having a "better" job and paying a bit more of the fun expenses; that's never impacted my relationships. Very different from literally being financially dependent on someone. No one needs to eat out every night of the week, etc.) The truth is, unless your married and have children, a house, and a life together or something, if you're not contributing enough to support yourself independently, ANY person, no matter how nice, enlightened, or whatever gender, is going to expect you to be easy to live with. So, you don't have the benefit of that equality and strength of position in any fight. I think that's just a cold, hard truth. Not a particular criticism of you, since I think you want to get out of that dynamic and it was just a rough spot to be in. But beyond that, I think you two have some fundamental differences in the way you communicate, your belief systems, your value systems, your heritage, and you haven't found good compromises. I cannot tell if he's as stubborn as you --- it seems like he ebbs and flows and certainly can be --- but, girl, you are stubborn, for better or worse. (And stubborn isn't always bad.) When you have such differences, stubbornness generally makes it impossible to bridge them. That isn't "wrong" perse. Maybe those differences shouldn't be bridged. As to the motel room, I see both sides. He was insensitive. But it must be frustrating to feel so responsible for another person when you just want to see your family and have a weekend. Sure, you said you'd be happy to go, but he does have all your past complaints about his friends AND your lack of ability to compromise in terms of how you present yourself to his family (two very big fights of yours) in his head, and he's probably dreading everything that could go wrong. It's a tough spot you're BOTH in. And none of these problems were really resolved, so they're all still there, waiting for you. Eventually, they pile up. As to why they all added up, and he's bringing it up now. . . well, IME, that's how guys function. They'll often let small things go and go until it is just too much, and by that time they're starting to shut down and shut you out. Something to do with male psychology. I can't explain it further, but it seems typical and not surprising to me.
xxoo Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 tigress, I don't know if you are needy or not, or if he is dismissive or not, but it does sound like you two are mismatched. I know some here seem horrified by your need and dependence, but some couples do very well with that level of interdependence and togetherness. You should find a guy who wants all that as much as you do.
eerie_reverie Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I don't know about your relationship, but you really need a car. I would make that my priority over moving out, even.
Cee Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I don't know about your relationship, but you really need a car. I would make that my priority over moving out, even. I think the first priority is making a budget. Rent should be below 33% of your income. And then you need to look at food, utilities, etc. Cars are more expensive than public transit. The cost of a car is about 15% of a person's income if they have it. Here's a car cost calculator to see. http://www.bikesatwork.com/carfree/cost-of-car-ownership.html Getting out of a rent subsidized situation is difficult. Not only does someone have to make rent, but also has to cough up last month's rent and security. It's smart that Tigressa went on Craigslist. The best solution in moving is to move into a house share. That way there might not be security and the rent is much lower. My first "apartment" at was me renting a room in a house with a married couple. Sorry to geek out on budgeting. I love talking about saving money.
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