I'm on Craigslist

[tigressA]

Looking for someone who needs a roommate.

 

Yep, I'm moving out as soon as I can get the money together.

 

BF wants me to; he thinks it will be 'better' for us.

 

We've been splitting expenses, and when I haven't been able to, he's covered everything with no complaint. I haven't been taking advantage of him financially. But apparently that was never the problem. Apparently I'm too 'emotionally dependent' on him and it's starting to scare him.

 

Never mind that I recently started a new job that not only pays more money than I've ever earned before but also frees him up to go out for a few hours after work 5 days out of the week, and have started to make friends there. Never mind that I haven't risen any hackles when he wants to visit his out of town friends since that one argument we had months ago--I even encouraged him to go without me last weekend but he decided to stay here with me.

 

But when I freak out because we had to evacuate our apartment building today due to flooding and he puts me in a motel for the weekend while he goes to NY to see his brother who is (finally) flying in (never mind my assertion that a motel room is vastly different from staying at home over the weekend as I can't go anywhere or do anything) and ask why I can't just go with him, he says we should start living apart.

 

So I'm going to do it. I've already sent emails to a few different ads for places in town. If he doesn't want me with him, I'll leave. I don't see why we should go backward like this but he thinks it's necessary, and since it's just his name on the lease right now...fine. I'll go.

Edited September 8, 2011 by tigressA

[EasyHeart]

That sucks.

 

Didn't you move to a different town for this guy???

[threebyfate]

Well that sucks and bad. Been biting my tongue about him, not because I think he's such a horrible guy but the differences between the two of you.

 

You're all passion and sparks where he's low key. You're head strong and impulsive where he's more measured. You're culturally different with different expectations. If the differences weren't so extreme, it might be possible to make it work.

 

You need your driver's license and a vehicle. STAT. This will help to give you more independence.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know this feels bad now. I really do believe that gaining independence will soon make you feel much much better.

 

I would suggest that you check your reactions to recent things that have gone on with him. If he needs to "put you" in a motel for a weekend so he can do whatever, that does indicate a situation where you are not independent AT ALL nor responsible for yourself. I think you should be able to figure out how to deal with yourself if he's going to be gone, even if your apartment is evacuated.

Edited September 8, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

[mo mo]

ha.. and I was just seriously thinking about kicking my roommate out

 

Sorry to hear this has been going on, but this kinda sounds like the beginning of the end for you guys. From what I gather, having read some of your threads, as much as you two like each other, you're fundamentally different. It's a tough pill to swallow, I know.

[tigressA]

That sucks.

 

Didn't you move to a different town for this guy???

 

Yes, I did. The other options I had at the time were to move halfway across the state to live with either of my parents. He knew that and apparently wasn't willing to put in the effort for an LDR and offered to have me move in with him. It was supposed to be a temporary situation in the beginning, but shortly after we both had changed our minds and decided to stick with it as a long-term arrangement. Today before he left he said he had felt 'forced' into that decision. I totally went off on him about that--HE HAD a choice. It's HIS apartment for crying out loud! And it wasn't like I had nowhere else to go. He apologized and amended the 'forced' comment after I said that.

 

At the very least, he did pay for the room through Monday (he's coming back Sunday night), and it's not like I'll be missing work because they closed a couple hours after I left and they'll be closed tomorrow as well. But he booked the room without even consulting me--the motel is on a friggin' freeway with only a mini-mart, a dingy pizza place and a decent brewery where I just had dinner on either side of it. If I want to go anywhere else I'll have to pay through the nose for a cab. As I said to him, it's quite different from being home alone because we're in midtown and close to things; there are things I could've done/gone to by myself and had fun, unlike my situation here.

 

He says he feels bad about the whole thing but I don't really think he does...he gets to live it up over the weekend while I am basically stranded here, alone in a rinky-dink motel. He said I was being 'irrational' while we were still at the apartment. HELLO, I was scared and stressed out! I've never had to evacuate from a building due to natural disaster before. I had to leave work early just to find out what was going on on my street because the building manager wasn't answering her phone and I find guys from the fire dept. about to knock on our door saying they're evacuating the building and they're shutting everything off.

[country_gurl]

Yes, I did. The other options I had at the time were to move halfway across the state to live with either of my parents. He knew that and apparently wasn't willing to put in the effort for an LDR and offered to have me move in with him. It was supposed to be a temporary situation in the beginning, but shortly after we both had changed our minds and decided to stick with it as a long-term arrangement. Today before he left he said he had felt 'forced' into that decision. I totally went off on him about that--HE HAD a choice. It's HIS apartment for crying out loud! And it wasn't like I had nowhere else to go. He apologized and amended the 'forced' comment after I said that.

 

At the very least, he did pay for the room through Monday (he's coming back Sunday night), and it's not like I'll be missing work because they closed a couple hours after I left and they'll be closed tomorrow as well. But he booked the room without even consulting me--the motel is on a friggin' freeway with only a mini-mart, a dingy pizza place and a decent brewery where I just had dinner on either side of it. If I want to go anywhere else I'll have to pay through the nose for a cab. As I said to him, it's quite different from being home alone because we're in midtown and close to things; there are things I could've done/gone to by myself and had fun, unlike my situation here.

 

He says he feels bad about the whole thing but I don't really think he does...he gets to live it up over the weekend while I am basically stranded here, alone in a rinky-dink motel. He said I was being 'irrational' while we were still at the apartment. HELLO, I was scared and stressed out! I've never had to evacuate from a building due to natural disaster before. I had to leave work early just to find out what was going on on my street because the building manager wasn't answering her phone and I find guys from the fire dept. about to knock on our door saying they're evacuating the building and they're shutting everything off.

 

If you don't like where you're staying, can't you make your own arrangements and stay somewhere that's more suitable where you're not so isolated?

[Janesays]

You're not actually going to try to maintain this farce of a 'relationship' with this guy, are you?

[OliveOyl]

That seems really sucky to abandon you like that... and shows he's been checking out the relationship. I'd sort of expect my BF/partner to either take me with him to visit his brother, or stay with me in the motel and invite his brother from NY, or figure out some other way to be together.

 

It would be one thing if you two had discussed it and you decided not to join him, but just unilaterally making the decision doesn't sit well with me... EVEN if he is paying for it.

 

Ugh. I'd be upset too.

[country_gurl]

Apparently I'm too 'emotionally dependent' on him and it's starting to scare him.

 

 

Do you think you are?

 

Has he given you some examples of how you're apparently emotionally dependent on him?

 

How long were you 2 together prior to living together?

 

What are your ages?

[tigressA]

If you don't like where you're staying, can't you make your own arrangements and stay somewhere that's more suitable where you're not so isolated?

 

I can't...I'm stuck here. I don't know anyone nearby who I could stay with; that's pretty much what got me here. And even if I could, I'd feel like a total ******* leaving when he's the one who paid for the room.

 

OliveOyl, that's EXACTLY how I see it. He saw it as me just making a small sacrifice so he could enjoy the weekend with his brother who he hasn't seen in 4 years. He even referred to my complaint about hanging out with his friends, about the language barrier--he said I wouldn't have fun anyway because they'd be catching up and I'd feel left out. I made the point that I didn't care about that as long as we could just be together; I was freaked out by the flood stuff, but he didn't want that.

 

I think this is his little bout of revenge...he actually said earlier he thinks I've been 'abusing' the relationship and taking things for granted, that I have to have my way all the time, and that just because he doesn't always say anything doesn't mean he's not paying attention. Instead of sitting me down and talking to me like an adult he decides to retaliate like a petty child.

[mo mo]

I can't...I'm stuck here. I don't know anyone nearby who I could stay with; that's pretty much what got me here. And even if I could, I'd feel like a total ******* leaving when he's the one who paid for the room.

 

OliveOyl, that's EXACTLY how I see it. He saw it as me just making a small sacrifice so he could enjoy the weekend with his brother who he hasn't seen in 4 years. He even referred to my complaint about hanging out with his friends, about the language barrier--he said I wouldn't have fun anyway because they'd be catching up and I'd feel left out. I made the point that I didn't care about that as long as we could just be together; I was freaked out by the flood stuff, but he didn't want that.

 

I think this is his little bout of revenge...he actually said earlier he thinks I've been 'abusing' the relationship and taking things for granted, that I have to have my way all the time, and that just because he doesn't always say anything doesn't mean he's not paying attention. Instead of sitting me down and talking to me like an adult he decides to retaliate like a petty child.

 

Yea dude.. you two really need some space.

 

I'll admit that I was in a situation where I was the guy in the relationship paying for everything, making all the plans and accommodations for this one girl I was somewhat serious with a few years ago. I wouldn't say she was totally dependent on me but she did get used to me kinda carrying some of the burdens of the relationship. I didn't mind it at first but I started having this nagging feeling of her not reciprocating enough, not appreciating enough, and ultimately, not appreciating me enough.

 

If I had to make an educated guess, your man feels that he has been putting more into the relationship than you (financially or otherwise) and he's been keeping quiet about a lot of things because material things don't bother him. The problem is he feels you don't appreciate him enough and/or don't know your place in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying he's right. I've changed my attitude completely since that relationship I was in, but I kinda know about the thought process there and I can relate to the way he is acting.

[iris219]

I know this feels bad now. I really do believe that gaining independence will soon make you feel much much better.

 

I would suggest that you check your reactions to recent things that have gone on with him. If he needs to "put you" in a motel for a weekend so he can do whatever, that does indicate a situation where you are not independent AT ALL nor responsible for yourself. I think you should be able to figure out how to deal with yourself if he's going to be gone, even if your apartment is evacuated.

 

This is the best advice I've seen so far.

 

Your BF is probably upset because he feels like he’s taking care of small child, not having a relationship with a grown woman.

 

You’ve managed to get yourself into a crappy situation, and you’re annoyed with him? You have allowed yourself to become dependent on this man. He’s doing you a favor by paying for your hotel room, even if it’s not up to your standards. How can he “put” you anywhere? You’re learning an important lesson: never allow yourself to be put in a situation where you feel powerless or have little control over.

 

Why were your only options moving in with your parents or moving in with him? I’ve supported myself entirely since I was 18, and that includes putting myself though college, with no help (other than student loans), so I can't relate to having only those two options.

 

Do you come from an area where having no car or license is typical?

 

If you do not start taking care of yourself, you will regret it. It is not your BF’s responsibility to “put” you anywhere. If you had the means to take care of yourself, there would be no issue right now.

[threebyfate]

Tigress, find another hotel or motel of your preference. Tell him to cancel the other motel. Also tell him that you'll split the cost difference with him. Problem solved, at least for the weekend. Get this organized now, before it's too late and you're stuck at the motel before he leaves. Don't wait for him to "meet your needs".

[Nexus One]

I didn't want to say it in your previous threads, because I didn't want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for you.

 

tigressA, the way you described "incidents" in your relationship in your threads came across to as if cracks were starting to form in your relationship and perhaps you weren't fully or consciously aware of it that those cracks could make the statue burst and fall down and disintegrate.

 

Anyways, that's how I intuitively interpreted your threads, but I purposefully refrained from saying so. I can tell you another thing I sense, but I'll only tell you if you insist.

[D-Lish]

Tig,

 

Are you getting the sense that a break up is on the horizon?

[country_gurl]

This is the best advice I've seen so far.

 

Your BF is probably upset because he feels like he’s taking care of small child, not having a relationship with a grown woman.

 

You’ve managed to get yourself into a crappy situation, and you’re annoyed with him? You have allowed yourself to become dependent on this man. He’s doing you a favor by paying for your hotel room, even if it’s not up to your standards. How can he “put” you anywhere? You’re learning an important lesson: never allow yourself to be put in a situation where you feel powerless or have little control over.

 

Why were your only options moving in with your parents or moving in with him? I’ve supported myself entirely since I was 18, and that includes putting myself though college, with no help (other than student loans), so I can't relate to having only those two options.

 

Do you come from an area where having no car or license is typical?

 

If you do not start taking care of yourself, you will regret it. It is not your BF’s responsibility to “put” you anywhere. If you had the means to take care of yourself, there would be no issue right now.

 

Very well stated !!!!

[tigressA]

Tig,

 

Are you getting the sense that a break up is on the horizon?

 

Sort of.

 

I just got off the phone with him and he swears that's not the case but I honestly don't really believe him. I am stuck here through Sunday night, unless I want to pay through the nose for a cab to come back and have an adventure trying to get into my evacuated building. He left hours ago for his destination; he's already there and has no plans of coming back early.

 

About my lack of independence--yeah, I get it. I understand that. But I'm in a much better situation now that admittedly is still in progress. Starting next week I get paid regularly, so that means we'll be back to splitting expenses completely equally, and I'll actually have enough extra money to put aside for a car that I could purchase relatively quickly--like in the next 3-5 months, which would solve all my issues. I also am making good friends at work that I can see myself hanging out with regularly. I told him all this and he still thinks I should move out; he thinks it's the only thing that will really help. That really makes me think he just wants me gone and me moving out is the first step. I told him to give me until mid-October (that's when he leaves for India for 2-3 weeks) and he'll change his mind. He said he needs 'time to think about it'. I really feel like he's just going to break up with me once I move out, if that happens.

[D-Lish]

You can turn things around if you want to redeem yourself.

When we feel like someone is going to break up with us, some of us have a tendancy to become overly needy. Don't go there. Let him contact you for the next few exchanges. Don't call him or text him.

[country_gurl]

Sort of.

 

I just got off the phone with him and he swears that's not the case but I honestly don't really believe him. I am stuck here through Sunday night, unless I want to pay through the nose for a cab to come back and have an adventure trying to get into my evacuated building. He left hours ago for his destination; he's already there and has no plans of coming back early.

 

About my lack of independence--yeah, I get it. I understand that. But I'm in a much better situation now that admittedly is still in progress. Starting next week I get paid regularly, so that means we'll be back to splitting expenses completely equally, and I'll actually have enough extra money to put aside for a car that I could purchase relatively quickly--like in the next 3-5 months, which would solve all my issues. I also am making good friends at work that I can see myself hanging out with regularly. I told him all this and he still thinks I should move out; he thinks it's the only thing that will really help. That really makes me think he just wants me gone and me moving out is the first step. I told him to give me until mid-October (that's when he leaves for India for 2-3 weeks) and he'll change his mind. He said he needs 'time to think about it'. I really feel like he's just going to break up with me once I move out, if that happens.

 

What ever got you into a situation where your only options were to live with your parents or live with him?

 

How long were you 2 together in a relationship prior to you moving in with him?

 

It sounds like up until now you've not been able to pay your share of rent and such?

 

I read a previous post of yours in which you were having a dilemma about spending a recent long weekend at some event where his friends wouldn't be speaking English and you'd feel left out or him spending it with you and you didn't want to do the former. It sounds like there are some cultural differences between you both; you weren't aware of that when you began dating him then moving in with him?

 

I hate to say it but a lot of people want to be in a relationship with someone who they consider an equal. An equal financially, emotionally, and independence-wise. If you 2 haven't been in a relationship for very long and he's feeling that you're too dependent on him in these areas, that can be an understandable turn-off?

 

I think that the only good reason to live with one's BF/GF is because it's a mutual decision and not at all because of financial need or it be cheaper for either party.

[tigressA]

You can turn things around if you want to redeem yourself.

When we feel like someone is going to break up with us, some of us have a tendancy to become overly needy. Don't go there. Let him contact you for the next few exchanges. Don't call him or text him.

 

I was a total wreck when I called him a little while ago. I was bawling. I didn't want to call him but I was feeling so lonely and abandoned out here with nothing to do and no one else to talk to--I had literally called everyone in my phone and whose number I could remember, even two of my old bosses and my ******* ex but all I got were VMs and I just started crying my eyes out seemingly from out of nowhere; I had to talk to SOMEONE so I called him as a last resort. At first he felt bad because I was crying but then I ruined it by getting angry and accusing him of abandoning me here. I got into the moving out stuff again and that was when I told him he'd change his mind if he just gave me another month; he said he'd 'think about it'.

 

I honestly think this is the beginning of the end. I'm sort of tempted to end it myself just so I don't have to deal with the awfulness of him doing it.

[Nexus One]

What I find weird is that he said he finds you've come too emotionally dependent on him, yet you mentioned in a previous thread you guys hardly spent any time together and you wanted to organize a dinner for you two.

 

When you spend so little time together, then it seems hard to become emotionally dependent. So what's actually going on then?

 

Edit: I just read your post above this one. Well if you are that isolated, then it does seem to kind of make sense for you to feel lonely.

Personally I wouldn't call everyone on my phone when lonely though, that'd be kind of weird for me to do.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

I was a total wreck when I called him a little while ago. I was bawling. I didn't want to call him but I was feeling so lonely and abandoned out here with nothing to do and no one else to talk to--I had literally called everyone in my phone and whose number I could remember, even two of my old bosses and my ******* ex but all I got were VMs and I just started crying my eyes out seemingly from out of nowhere; I had to talk to SOMEONE so I called him as a last resort. At first he felt bad because I was crying but then I ruined it by getting angry and accusing him of abandoning me here. I got into the moving out stuff again and that was when I told him he'd change his mind if he just gave me another month; he said he'd 'think about it'.

 

I honestly think this is the beginning of the end. I'm sort of tempted to end it myself just so I don't have to deal with the awfulness of him doing it.

 

You're sabotaging Tig... You have to stop now. I see you going down in flames like I have done in the past.

 

You have to stop, take a deep breath and slow down.

You don't have to call anyone- just post here.

[OliveOyl]

It seems to me like even though you rushed into moving in with him, going backwards usually creates a crack so big in the relationship that there's no going forward again.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Despite your being financially dependent on him, I still think he's been acting very coldly lately. It's not the vision I have, anyway, of "partnership."

[country_gurl]

It seems to me like even though you rushed into moving in with him, going backwards usually creates a crack so big in the relationship that there's no going forward again.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Despite your being financially dependent on him, I still think he's been acting very coldly lately. It's not the vision I have, anyway, of "partnership."

 

Maybe the poor guy feels overwhelmed in that he felt no choice but to invite her to "temporarily" move in with him but then felt resentful that she wasn't obviously leaving (and making her own independent living arrangements) and on top of that not paying her fair share and resenting him for wanting to hang out with friends who don't speak English? A woman should never have to move in with someone because her only option is either that or moving back home with her parents. Maybe he's being cold and distant lately because he's feeling stuck and uncomfortable with having someone who's so needy? we're only reading her side of the story here. She does come across, to me, somewhat emotionally needy based on her recent post in which she resorted to phoning everyone in her phone including her 2 former bosses for crying out loud. What's the big deal with spending some time alone? Watch some TV, watch a movie. Read a book.