reboot Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I know it's a trite and cliche saying, but two wrongs don't make a right. Sometimes I believe it really is true that we learned all we ever needed to know about life and relationships in kindergarten.
visualbasicide Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Everyone keeps calling it a revenge affair. I'm not out for revenge. I would just like to stop being obsessed with how unfair the whole damn thing is if I go ahead and reconcile. I guess I'm thinking of it as more of a balance affair. If this thing wasn't so damn one sided, maybe I could just freakin' relax. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to feel my pain. I just don't want to feel so damn screwed over in the deal. Sure doesn't sound like me talking here, though either. I've always had honor and integrity. Might be getting a little tired of being **** on for that. Talk this whole thing over with her then I suppose. Either way something will have to give. I am not judging you or anything and can totally see how it would make sense on an emotional level. Just be careful buddy, this whole thing is on rocky ground as it is.
xxoo Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Everyone keeps calling it a revenge affair. I'm not out for revenge. I would just like to stop being obsessed with how unfair the whole damn thing is if I go ahead and reconcile. I guess I'm thinking of it as more of a balance affair. If this thing wasn't so damn one sided, maybe I could just freakin' relax. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to feel my pain. I just don't want to feel so damn screwed over in the deal. Sure doesn't sound like me talking here, though either. I've always had honor and integrity. Might be getting a little tired of being **** on for that. It is unfair. Not arguing that at all. It is all kinds of unfair You want the happy, healthy marriage with your wife, but you can't create that without her cooperation. Why??? is sex so infrequent in your marriage? What is the core issue here? Because she obviously is not simply a "once a month" woman. She is capable of much greater sexuality. And you'd probably feel a lot less screwed over if she would share that sexuality with YOU! I can't even imagine the mindset of a woman who denies her husband sex--CHEATS on him--and then stays in the marriage while continuing to deny him sex. Why does she believe you will stay? Does she even want you to stay? Time for her to get real with you....and with herself. 1
2011aug Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Everyone keeps calling it a revenge affair. I'm not out for revenge. I would just like to stop being obsessed with how unfair the whole damn thing is if I go ahead and reconcile. I guess I'm thinking of it as more of a balance affair. If this thing wasn't so damn one sided, maybe I could just freakin' relax. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to feel my pain. I just don't want to feel so damn screwed over in the deal. Sure doesn't sound like me talking here, though either. I've always had honor and integrity. Might be getting a little tired of being **** on for that. She's not ready and you're not ready to truly reconcile. You both are going to counseling. Hope both counselors are skillful. And, is divorce too early an option?
Steadfast Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I guess I'm thinking of it as more of a balance affair. If this thing wasn't so damn one sided, maybe I could just freakin' relax. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to feel my pain. I just don't want to feel so damn screwed over in the deal. I suppose it's normal to feel this kind of sexual competition. Still, the reason she might be willing to stay in the marriage is because she knows she can trust you. Good, caring and faithful marriage partners are hard to find. That being said, the balance seems decidedly tipped in your favor. Don't give that up. Someday, you might meet a woman who truly appreciates you.
Try Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Thru most of our marriage, I've been a twice a day guy and she's been a once-a-month woman. That changed during her A to twice a week. I thought we were doing great. Guess not. OK so now we at least know why you feel the way that you do. Deep down inside you cannot understand how her sex drive only needed sex from you once per month for years prior to the affair, and why the OM was able to activate your wife's sex drive to 2 times per week with you plus additional sex with him. You want an affair to validate your sexual attractiveness since her affair calls this into question. You even comment about dropping weight and getting fit so you know that this is a real issue. You have many unanswered questions to resolve such as, was she thinking of him when she upped sex with you to 2 times per week? Has she ever desired you as much as this other man and does she desire you that much now? Are you and will you always be second fiddle in her sexual memories? If you have an affair, can you get another woman to feel that way about you and make you first fiddle in her sexual memory? One year is a long time for an affair, did she only pick you because of the children? I am not saying these things to hurt you. In fact I almost did not post this but decided to do it since it might help you. There is no good answer that will make it all better. There are only lesser of the the bad to pick from. R is hard and not a given. I feel for you and wish you the best. 1
drifter777 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 BTW, we both have individual counselors and a marriage counselor. My C talked me out of an A, pointing to years later when my daughter marries and I don't have to share the aisle or father/daughter dance with some other douche. That seemed to work with me, for a while. For real? Your counselor told you this? It's not his/her place to paint dark, one-sided pictures in an effort to convince you of anything. Do you think your children are better off with a father who is happy, well adjusted with good self-esteem or a father who is angry, full of doubt and sometimes hates their mother? Whatever you decide, do it because it is best for you and your overall well-being. 1
Owl Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 For real? Your counselor told you this? It's not his/her place to paint dark, one-sided pictures in an effort to convince you of anything. Do you think your children are better off with a father who is happy, well adjusted with good self-esteem or a father who is angry, full of doubt and sometimes hates their mother? Whatever you decide, do it because it is best for you and your overall well-being. I've gotta disagree with you here, Drifter. What his IC did was have him consider long-term repercussions of short-term decisions. Which is what he SHOULD be doing. Don't focus on just the short term here. Consider the longer term as well. Long term...are things likely to improve in your marriage? Do you believe that you can convince your wife to make the needed changes? If so...great. If not...something to include in your decision making processes.
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 The whole concept of justifying an affair because somebody else had an affair just baffles me. Do you think extramarital affairs are wrong, or do you think they are okay? Please live by YOUR OWN moral compass, regardless of what other people do. Even if the other people are those closest to you. Old hackneyed tired lame cliche that's true: Two wrongs don't make a right. If you think extramarital affairs are wrong, don't have one. And if you think they're okay, please make sure you don't mess with another person's mind and heart (the affair partner) so you can "get yours."
Author BetrayedH Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Does one wrong make a right? I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty. 1
2011aug Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Does one wrong make a right? I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty. A double negative is a positive. Guess reconciliation is out of the picture for now?
Osiris1234 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Does one wrong make a right? Its a double sided sword, so yes and no. I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty, none what so ever, if she is seriously calling the shots on sex then forget her, its like ive told Ex's, "If you wont put out I can easily find it somewhere else and someone who will". Your finally growing a pair and being a man, good for you, find you a nice woman to have some great sex with, and don't feel one ounce of guilt, you know deserve this, remember what she did to you.
visualbasicide Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 "If you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself" it really is your call at the end of the day. Just don't become something you hate in the process. Best of luck.
Richard Friedman Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Does one wrong make a right? I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty. Can't blame you for looking for some extra. I'd suggest you get a hooker or single girl tho. Unless you want to **** over some other poor sap.
fooled once Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 The whole concept of justifying an affair because somebody else had an affair just baffles me. Do you think extramarital affairs are wrong, or do you think they are okay? Please live by YOUR OWN moral compass, regardless of what other people do. Even if the other people are those closest to you. Old hackneyed tired lame cliche that's true: Two wrongs don't make a right. If you think extramarital affairs are wrong, don't have one. And if you think they're okay, please make sure you don't mess with another person's mind and heart (the affair partner) so you can "get yours." totally agree. You stated your wife was a one a month person. This was throughout your dating and marriage? Or was it more frequent until kids? The new guy excited her; it was NEW to her. It was different. It was just like when you and she were dating. Sex with you has become routine to her. Women need more than just a weeny in/weeny out. She knows how each encounter with you is going to be. There is no more mystery. Is there romance? Is there excitement? Or is it the hump, pump, done, roll over and go to sleep? You seem very fixated on the sex part. Where as she was probably more interested in the emotional high she got from a guy who paid attention to her. I hope you both can come to a compromise and do what is needed so that neither of you feel the need to look outside the marriage. I don't think staying married so you don't have to share your daughter at her maybe one day wedding is the right answer. Your kids shouldn't have to be the causalties of the poor communication, tension and anger. Your kids should see their parents in a healthy, happy home. Yes, parents/couples have issues in marriage. Those are normal and I think are healthy for kids to see mom and dad disagree and also make up. It shouldn't be phony. They are learning about love and relationships from you both. So either get it together or end it. I understand you want to have your own 'fun' that you feel you were cheated out of; but if you do go that route, your wife may decide she won't forgive you (yes, even though she did it to you).
turnera Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Does one wrong make a right? I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty.Will you feel guilty when you look the husband (of the woman you screw) in the eyes when he catches HIS wife's affair, and tell him you were just looking to even the score with YOUR wife? Maybe you could offer HER to him, since HE now will need to even a score. Just hire a damn hooker and get it over with. 1
turnera Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Well, told her how I was feeling. I suppose one would say it was a good conversation. She's not going to tell me to go have my own affair and she's still going to do everything she can to give us a happy marriage. Certainly no sex last night. Back to square 1.I'm confused. Is she not willing to have sex with you? Or are YOU having trouble having sex with HER because of what she did?
visualbasicide Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I'm confused. Is she not willing to have sex with you? Or are YOU having trouble having sex with HER because of what she did? Yep, and it's a situation that will take some time to heal from and work through. Lack of trust kills intimacy, since you need trust to have it. IF you allow her to earn it back, then intimacy will follow. If you betray her just to even it out, she may face the same problem you are right now and then it'll all be over anyway. Again, not really judging, just want you to have all the info before you make choices based on emotion rather than rational thinking.
StoneCold Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) Does one wrong make a right? I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. Hard to feel guilty. Maybe an A will make you feel better and if it does...knock yourself out. Just keep it in the right place...by that I mean dont ecpect it to fix how you feel in the marriage....you may still resent your wife except not feel so silly... If you're not happy and walking out right at this very moment doesnt fit your situation....go get yours Edited September 10, 2011 by StoneCold
Author BetrayedH Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Nevermind. I don't want an affair. Just want my wife to make love to me. Got drunk and had a huge fight tonight. Not sure if we'll make it through this one. Definitely won't be making sweet love anytime soon. Might be looking at a divorce I never wanted. What a waste. 5 months of trying all for this.
road Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 What did you fight about? This is a first for me hearing someone calling a RA a balance affair.
visualbasicide Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Maybe you two are trying for too much too fast? It isn't like picking up where you left off, it's more like starting over. You still have feelings, baggage and history but everything else isn't the same as it was before all this happened. The things that made the relationship what it was were shaken to its foundations and have to be built back up again. It's not like everyone just shakes hands, signs an agreement and forgets about it all and goes onward. Everyone in the house needs counseling at this point. Everyone is just running off high (or low, as the case may be) emotions, which is always dangerous. There are current emotional issues that need to be addressed, along with old ones that led you both to where this incident started. You can't put a bandaid over a bullet wound and pronounce it healed. I never had the option of reconciliation myself so I don't have any experience in this arena, which is why I say very strongly to talk to a professional about it.
In Like Flynn Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 How sexual was her affair versus the sex you were getting? What was her excuse?
Try Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I've been looking for attached females for a short term arrangement on ashleymadison. If you are going to have an affair, do not look for "attached females". Do not do to another man what was done to you. Do not be that person. Pick a single person and let her know what is going on. Do not rush to pick as your wife took years making her selection. Rather than have an affair, you may want to rethink staying in the marriage. The only way her affair was able to last for a year was that she allowed it to become a life style for her with little guilt. Once a month sex for the years leading up to the A, changing in the A to 2 times per week with you plus more with the other man tells you that she will be tempted to cheat again in the future. The truth is you are only thinking of staying in this marriage because of the children. It is also very possible that that is the only reason she is staying too. With her being the way that she is, and with you feeling the way that you do, divorce may be your best option as it is only a matter of time before your marriage ends anyway. Ending your marriage with honor on your side and your children, other family members and friends will always respect you. End it after a revenge affair and your wife ends up the winner yet again. 1
xxoo Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 betrayed, my heart hurts for you. You've been done very wrong Do you know if your wife believes she's been "done wrong" by you over the years? When a woman loses desire for her husband, resentment is a common reason. This marriage is pulling you down. You can keep moving downward, or start moving up. I hope you can find a way up, with or without your wife. Keep thinking UP! 2
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