At an impasse

[BetrayedH]

First post here. Been "lurking" here for a while, as they say. I am about 4.5 post from Dday. Discovered my W's year-long A. Devasted -we had agood marriage, as far I knew.

 

Two children-ages 9 and 5. They'll be devastated if I leave but have no idea yet. We've managed to stay civil. Been trying to reconcile and so they've probably seen more affection and attention rather than less.

 

W is in full reconciliation mode. Doing all the right things as everyone would say here. It has an impact but I still have doubts; she was obviously an accomplished liar. I don't trust my own judgment. My heart trusts and my mind doubts.

 

Reconciliation was going well. W is apologetic, affectionate, remoreseful, transparent, etc.

 

But she's clearly moving on healhier than I. I obsess all the time.

 

I seem to struggle the most with the sex. HB ended quickly. I am angry because she got to have a year-long fantasy in the middle of our marriage and I went from a struggling /sexually frustrating marriage to now a miserable one. Sex is back to normal, on her terms. Considering having my own affair. After she's done this, it only seems fair. Maybe a quick one would restore my sanity and give me some balance

 

If I can't go thru with that, I'm not sure I can stay. I deserve a new life. afraid of divorce but if I can't heal with her, I am starting to feel I should leave. Don't know what to do. Lose, lose, or lose?

 

Thoughts?

[nyrias2]

First post here. Been "lurking" here for a while, as they say. I am about 4.5 post from Dday. Discovered my W's year-long A. Devasted -we had agood marriage, as far I knew.

 

Two children-ages 9 and 5. They'll be devastated if I leave but have no idea yet. We've managed to stay civil. Been trying to reconcile and so they've probably seen more affection and attention rather than less.

 

W is in full reconciliation mode. Doing all the right things as everyone would say here. It has an impact but I still have doubts; she was obviously an accomplished liar. I don't trust my own judgment. My heart trusts and my mind doubts.

 

Reconciliation was going well. W is apologetic, affectionate, remoreseful, transparent, etc.

 

But she's clearly moving on healhier than I. I obsess all the time.

 

I seem to struggle the most with the sex. HB ended quickly. I am angry because she got to have a year-long fantasy in the middle of our marriage and I went from a struggling /sexually frustrating marriage to now a miserable one. Sex is back to normal, on her terms. Considering having my own affair. After she's done this, it only seems fair. Maybe a quick one would restore my sanity and give me some balance

 

If I can't go thru with that, I'm not sure I can stay. I deserve a new life. afraid of divorce but if I can't heal with her, I am starting to feel I should leave. Don't know what to do. Lose, lose, or lose?

 

Thoughts?

 

In the long run, if you cannot get pass yourself, you probably have to divorce her ANYWAY. IF so, you may as well get the ball rolling now.

 

As far as an affair is concerned, you probably dont want one unless it is an exiting affair. If you want to stay, you really don't want to complicate matters.

[GorillaTheater]

First things first:

 

1) Don't move out of the house, period, until/unless a separation agreement is signed or until you're ordered to by the court. Leaving will put you at a severe disadvantage re custody and child support.

 

2) Take of you. Eat, sleep, lots of exercise, and pursue hobbies and interests. Get yourself to a healthier place.

 

3) Lose the fear. Imagine in vivid detail the absolute worst thing that can happen, whether it's about divorce or anything else. Then realize that even if that worst case scenario comes to pass, you will be left standing. That you can handle it.

 

Then, if you still want a divorce, prepare for it. If you want custody or at least 50-50, make sure you're being a good dad and spending as much time with them as possible. Document the time you spend with them and what you did, and make sure others witness this time and can vouch for what a good dad you are. Get legal advice early on in the game. Shop around for a good lawyer you feel comfortable with and find out what you can about what you should be doing prior to filing.

 

Forget about having your own affair, it'll just make your life even more complicated. Unless it's with the other man's wife, then it would almost be worth it.

[Richard Friedman]

First post here. Been "lurking" here for a while, as they say. I am about 4.5 post from Dday. Discovered my W's year-long A. Devasted -we had agood marriage, as far I knew.

 

Two children-ages 9 and 5. They'll be devastated if I leave but have no idea yet. We've managed to stay civil. Been trying to reconcile and so they've probably seen more affection and attention rather than less.

 

W is in full reconciliation mode. Doing all the right things as everyone would say here. It has an impact but I still have doubts; she was obviously an accomplished liar. I don't trust my own judgment. My heart trusts and my mind doubts.

 

Reconciliation was going well. W is apologetic, affectionate, remoreseful, transparent, etc.

 

But she's clearly moving on healhier than I. I obsess all the time.

 

I seem to struggle the most with the sex. HB ended quickly. I am angry because she got to have a year-long fantasy in the middle of our marriage and I went from a struggling /sexually frustrating marriage to now a miserable one. Sex is back to normal, on her terms. Considering having my own affair. After she's done this, it only seems fair. Maybe a quick one would restore my sanity and give me some balance

 

If I can't go thru with that, I'm not sure I can stay. I deserve a new life. afraid of divorce but if I can't heal with her, I am starting to feel I should leave. Don't know what to do. Lose, lose, or lose?

 

Thoughts?

 

So she was giving you the cold shoulder while taking it every which way from the OM eh? And lying to you face as well no doubt. Typical, the bad boy/provider dynamic. If i had to guess I'd say you're her meal ticket. The safe dependable guy, but not a guy she feels burning passion for. When she needs to get her rocks off she goes to the OM but she knows she has you to provide for the kids. Now she's all sorry because her white picket fantasy and her image are on the line. Don't buy it for a second. As for the plan, I'd say cut and run. There are no good options, but i don't see how a man with self respect can stay with a woman who views him as an atm and treats him with such contempt. She was callous enough to lie to your face and give you blue balls for a year. Actions mean more than words and that says much more than any bsshe'll spout about not having her neeeds met, feeling trapped, the usual nonsense.

[2011aug]

And...

 

stop having joint bank accounts or credit cards.

 

start hiding your own money somewhere new.

 

 

Face your fears now about the divorce (if it happens). What do you need to overcome the fears?

 

Stay only if you can truly, deeply forgive her; and she shows real remorse.

 

"she's clearly moving on healhier than I" because she has not had to pay the consequences of her adultery. Why would she have any deep turmoils if there are no serious costs to her?

[Owl]

Tell her exactly how you feel, what you're considering if things don't change.

 

She needs to understand EXACTLY what you're feeling and what's being considered if changes aren't made.

 

Then she has the choice to either step up and make the changes...or face the consequences of choosing not to.

[visualbasicide]

I think an affair would really just make you feel worse in the long run. If you are having all these emotions because she did it, how will you feel about yourself.

 

How long ago since you found out? Healing takes time. What you need to be 100% sure of is that it will NEVER work, not that it isn't working right now.

 

Did you two go to counseling?

 

Trust will take time, your ability to trust her, and yourself.

Just don't want you both to move on and later down the road regret it. If you both give it your all and it still doesn't work, then you have your answer.

[drifter777]

You say your wife is "doing all the right things" but for whatever reason you are refusing to accept it. Why is that? Are you really just angry that she got to have sex with another person and you did not? That seems like a front for deeper feelings - are you ashamed of your wife's behavior? Are you disgusted with your wife's behavior? Do you feel like a man shouldn't reconcile with a wife who lied every minute of every day while she was whoring it up? I'm asking all of this because these are the things that I obsessed over after my wife's cheating. Plus, the worst of all, the mental images of her and OM. They made me physically ill - it was like reliving the whole nightmare over again.

 

We were able to reconcile, but it took a long time and much more from my wife than simply being sorry for hurting me, transparency, and the other things you mention. I had to work through my anger, disgust, shame, and resentment pretty much on my own. I finally decided that I would not live that way any longer and told her how I really felt and held nothing back. I told her to put herself in my shoes and really try to imagine how she would feel if I did that to her. After a number of sessions like this she finally got it, and I could tell she really understood and took full responsibility for what she did and understood how disgusting and wrong it was. It was only then that I began to let go of my anger & resentment and began to really feel better about myself and our marriage.

 

I think that you simply are not ready to accept your wife's attempts to "do all the right things". Or perhaps your bullsh*t detector is going off subconsciously and you feel that she is just going through the motions. Whatever it is, you should pay attention to it and not force yourself to simply accept what happened and put it behind you. That doesn't work as the emotions will simmer and boil over at some point, probably making everything harder and more complicated. Face it all now and you will save yourself a lot of pain down the road.

[reboot]

Reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like she is in "full reconciliation mode" to me.

[wheelwright]

First post here. Been "lurking" here for a while, as they say. I am about 4.5 post from Dday. Discovered my W's year-long A. Devasted -we had agood marriage, as far I knew.

 

Two children-ages 9 and 5. They'll be devastated if I leave but have no idea yet. We've managed to stay civil. Been trying to reconcile and so they've probably seen more affection and attention rather than less.

 

W is in full reconciliation mode. Doing all the right things as everyone would say here. It has an impact but I still have doubts; she was obviously an accomplished liar. I don't trust my own judgment. My heart trusts and my mind doubts.

 

Reconciliation was going well. W is apologetic, affectionate, remoreseful, transparent, etc.

 

But she's clearly moving on healhier than I. I obsess all the time.

 

I seem to struggle the most with the sex. HB ended quickly. I am angry because she got to have a year-long fantasy in the middle of our marriage and I went from a struggling /sexually frustrating marriage to now a miserable one. Sex is back to normal, on her terms. Considering having my own affair. After she's done this, it only seems fair. Maybe a quick one would restore my sanity and give me some balance

 

If I can't go thru with that, I'm not sure I can stay. I deserve a new life. afraid of divorce but if I can't heal with her, I am starting to feel I should leave. Don't know what to do. Lose, lose, or lose?

 

Thoughts?

 

What a fantastic way you have of summing up. You must be accomplished in this field in your profession, otherwise what a loss...

 

Yes, lose lose lose.

 

If that's how it is for you. If situations are w/l w/w/ or l/l

 

Have your own A or dalliance if that hepls you as a person -not in a competition type thing.

 

An A for a BS isn't necessarily revenge. I think it can redress the balance and allow both partners to feel more even.

 

It's not a blinking race. If you do it to make you feel good, then it is not revenge. If you have sex with someone else thinking 'well this'll show 'em' I think that would be a mouse f*cking an elephant. Totally ineffective.

 

Not to mention karmically damaging for the sex reciprocee.

 

Anyway, Mr perfectly succinct, do things because they are worthwhile in themselves.

[Osiris1234]

Sex is back to normal, on her terms.

 

Dude, thats a load of bull****, it should be on your terms, not hers.

 

It sounds like she is not owning up to what she did. Her terms? WTF?

 

I am angry because she got to have a year-long fantasy in the middle of our marriage and I went from a struggling /sexually frustrating marriage to now a miserable one.

 

You need to tell her this, you need to tell her that she got to have a year-long fantasy and how you should be able to have sex on your terms and no hers since she got to have sex with another (or more) guys during the year long. Also that maybe you should be able to go and sleep with another woman or women for an entire year since she also got to.

 

Some people may think im going to far but am I really? OP grow some balls and take charge, don't be a wussy.

 

doesn't sound like she is in "full reconciliation mode"

 

I agree 110%.

 

 

Also ask her this.

 

Honey, I want you to tell me the honest truth Are you sorry you got caught or are you sorry you cheated.[/b

 

She will probably deny it and say she is sorry she cheated but in reality she is sorry she got caught. I guarantee you if she never got caught she would continue the affair.

 

 

But over-all I say leave her.

 

1-Secret bank account under trusted family members name.

2-A very good lawyer

3-Take most of your work money and put it into the secret bank account.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Osiris1234

[Spark1111]

First of all, I think everything you are feeling, is perfectly normal.

 

You were a good husband, she was not faithful and had the hot steamy exciting affair.

 

You resent that she had all that fun. That is normal.

 

But do not believe that you having an affair will balance it all out. It does not. At the end of your days you are alone with your conscience. Most likely, you will feel a lot worse having played tit for tat. It truly solves nothing.

 

This is not your heart or your head talking. This is your healty, but severely bruised ego talking.

 

Tell her exactly how you feel, like you have told us. The secret to reconcilliation is to tell the absolute truth of what is in your heart and your head. Do not think you are doing anyone a favor by sparing their feelings. Be kind, but always tell the unadulterated truth.

 

Your spouse cannot help you heal what she does not know or is not aware of.

 

Get to counseling. It is not easy to reconcile after infidelity. Tell the counselor how you feel too.

 

You both need professional help and better, raw and honest communication.

[BetrayedH]

Well, told her how I was feeling. I suppose one would say it was a good conversation. She's not going to tell me to go have my own affair and she's still going to do everything she can to give us a happy marriage. Certainly no sex last night. Back to square 1.

[BetrayedH]

BTW, we both have individual counselors and a marriage counselor. My C talked me out of an A, pointing to years later when my daughter marries and I don't have to share the aisle or father/daughter dance with some other douche. That seemed to work with me, for a while.

[xxoo]

Before the affair, you had a good marriage, or a sexually frustrating marriage?

 

Having your own affair may restore the balance....but the balance you had was no good anyway. You can't get back to what worked, because what you had didn't actually work that well.

 

Also, if you have an affair, consider that it will "absolve" her in some part. She may feel less obligated to do the work that will actually improve your marriage if you have an affair and are now "even". Back to the sexually frustrating "balance".

 

What is the source of the original sex issue? What was going on with you two before the affair? Affairs muddle issues (having your own would muddle things more), but those core issues need to be identified and addressed if your marriage is ever going to be satisfying for either of you.

[Bryanp]

I hope that you have both been checked for STD's. So she gets to screw some guy behind your back for a year putting your health at risk and she is still dictating the rules of sexual intimacy to you. How nice that she got a free pass to screw a guy for a year and expects the marriage to remain the same on her terms. I think she is still playing you for a fool and a meal ticket. You deserve much better than this. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Bryanp]

By the way, if her lover was married or involved with a girlfriend I do hope that you exposed it to them. I hope you exposed this to everyone. If you did not expose this year long affair then you really did give her a free 1 year sex pass to cheat with her lover. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been? She probably would have kicked your butt to the curb.

[Bryanp]

One last thing. What gave her permission to destroy her marriage and her relationship with you her husband? What did she think would happen to her marriage by screwing another man for a year behind your back? I hate to say this but I think she was willing to do this because she know that you would accept this and be fearful of divorce. Do you think she would have done this if she knew you absolutely would have divorced her if she engaged in such behavior? My guess is no. She did it because she knew she could get away with it and there would be no consequences to her actions. What is wrong with this picture.

[xxoo]

I deserve a new life. afraid of divorce but if I can't heal with her, I am starting to feel I should leave. Don't know what to do. Lose, lose, or lose?

 

Thoughts?

 

I forgot to add...

 

Consider what "win" looks like for you. I don't mean "winning" in the terms of a competition, but in terms of creating the life and reality you want for yourself.

 

Win is....a solid relationship with your kids, a positive relationship with their mother, a loving relationship with your partner (whether that is your wife or a different woman), a healthy sex life, etc. You determine what would be the ultimate "win" for you.

 

Then, take steps that create that reality. Think in the 2 year range--not what will feel like a win right now (maybe an affair would feel good right now, divorce might be painful right now), but what choices will help you create the life you TRULY want to live for the longer term.

 

Don't react. Don't avoid. Purposefully choose and create.

[Steadfast]

Very generally, females heavily link sex and attraction while men desire sex. Men 'control' the emotion while women feel powerless against its control. You may see sex as a way out of your problems but she may see it as something you'll enjoy when the problems are solved.

 

Regardless of whether you stay married or not, it's critical to understand (not just know, understand) how females view and apply the desire for sex. The cold, hard fact? Women who feel attraction want sex all the time. There is no magic formula...no game to trick a female into feeling attraction. Given enough time the real you will surface. If your wife feels that man isn't the man she thought you were, she'll not only hold out but resent you for it.

 

While I agree telling her how you feel was the right thing to, her response isn't surprising. It's expected. My hunch is she's staying out of obligation and a desire to not be 'that kind of woman'. Know that part of her coping mechanism is to share/distribute her dissatisfaction with you on a daily basis. In her mind, if you 'really love her' you'll do this and not complain.

 

Simply put, you're in a unhappy marriage. If she were to really open up, you'd probably be shocked at her level of confusion. The best move now would be to seek counsel but be aware the wrong person will destroy whatever is left of your marriage in an effort to 'rebuild it' correctly. This is flawed, IMO. People are not houses to be remodeled. Choose very carefully.

[BetrayedH]

Wow. Advice was all over the board here.

 

Steadfast, I appreciate the direct reply. The great betrayed spouse weight loss program has helped with my attractiveness. I need to keep up the workouts. 30lbs in a month had an impact. If I lose another 10 and tone up, I'll look damn good.

 

xxoo, in the long term, I'd like a healthy marriage with my current wife. Thru most of our marriage, I've been a twice a day guy and she's been a once-a-month woman. That changed during her A to twice a week. I thought we were doing great. Guess not. Good perspective though for me to look at the long-term. You may have talked me out of the A. It wouldn't have been for revenge, just for me. That would be a short-term (but much enjoyed) benefit that I would carry for a long time. Guess I probably knew that.

 

Bryanp, yes we were tested for STDs. Her affair partner was in a long-term marriage so I guess we got lucky. I did expose it to the other man's wife. They're also trying to reconcile but he's in trouble because she is just doing it for the kids and because of religious beliefs. She's really pissed. For my wife, there have been plenty of consequences. I don't think she envisioned any of them. Thought she would get stop and thought I would never know. Turns out she couldn't stop and got caught since I'm not stupid.

 

For now, I gotta run.

[road]

Only the time and energy to say revenge affairs never heal the BH but only cause more damage for both the BH and WW.

[visualbasicide]

If you do it to make you feel good, then it is not revenge.

 

That line of thinking is how the whole situation started in the first place. It's how it ALWAYS starts. Our spouses didn't mean to hurt us, they just did what made them feel good, so it wasn't betrayal or revenge, it was just like taking a bubble bath or going to a museum.

[visualbasicide]

For my wife, there have been plenty of consequences. I don't think she envisioned any of them.

 

They never do when they are in the situation. I am glad to hear some positive aspects of this moving forward, seems you both know what you want and have something to work towards. Won't always be easy, but nothing worth keeping ever is. I like the workout goals, will give you both something positive out of it. Keep up the good fight and let us know how it goes. Best of luck.

[BetrayedH]

Everyone keeps calling it a revenge affair. I'm not out for revenge. I would just like to stop being obsessed with how unfair the whole damn thing is if I go ahead and reconcile. I guess I'm thinking of it as more of a balance affair. If this thing wasn't so damn one sided, maybe I could just freakin' relax. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to feel my pain. I just don't want to feel so damn screwed over in the deal.

 

Sure doesn't sound like me talking here, though either. I've always had honor and integrity. Might be getting a little tired of being **** on for that.