reknown29 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Its been a year for me since parting ways with my ex. The serious despair I was in at the time is indescribable, as some of you here know from your own experience. I wont focus much on the pain anymore as that would be counterproductive. I will say that it still comes and goes at times but in less and less increments. Last week I thought about her all week, before that I haven't thought about her for two months, etc. The roller coaster keeps getting shorter and shorter. I am sobering up from the experience. I am able to see what is triggering the emotions when they arise. Life is becoming positive again. Throughout the past year; I deleted her on facebook, ignored her messages and dated other women. I did not actually delete her on facebook until about 6 months after the breakup. I would find myself uncontrollably clicking on her page and seeing what she is up to. I would witness her flirting on her home page with her new boyfriends and then I would compare myself with them and seek out ways which I am better, etc. Overall, I was engaging in mentally unhealthy behavior that wasnt getting me anywhere. I woke up at 4a one morning and just had this urge to delete the two exes that I was friends with on facebook, that had stole my heart. One of them I am already over and have not really spoke with her for decades. She is married now and I see no point in having her as a friend since it seemed to stress out her husband one night where we tried to meet up and catch up on things. With my recent heartbreak I would have to say that I can no longer understand how I could have remained friends with this girl after all she has communicated to me about having no interest anymore in us as a couple. That is really what it comes down to. She just doesnt want to be with me, I really wanted to be with her. If you were starving and all you had was a steak or cucumber (if your vegetarian) encased behind three feet of glass. Imagine having that encasing in the room with you all the time. What is the point? You would drool at it, analyze it, imagine what it would be like again if you could have it. Basically wasting all your energy and time getting no where and preventing yourself from doing things that will get you what you need for your survival. I was good about going no contact right away. There were a few times in the first month where I could not stop communicating with her but this I feel is to be expected. She continued for a while to send me texts like "Love", "thinking of you", "miss you" etc while at the same time dating several other men. I never responded to any of these. When I deleted her on facebook she reponded via text (many months later) saying that she wanted to see me. I ignored her. That was the last I heard from her. I dont plan on ever seeing her. I dont see how it would have any benefit to me. It would only hurt again. This is not apparent when you stay connected. You will just find yourself in a merry go round. Though it wont be merry. You need to step off and observe the pointlessness of it all. All I can now say about NC is that once you establish something as painful, you WILL naturally avoid it. It is soo difficult to except the fact that it is over but there is no choice when you breakup with someone. I feel pain whenever that horrible break up comes to mind. I have conditioned myself to run from it. I am also conditioning myself to only attach to things that make me feel good, while not caring what others are doing or what they think. I dated a few times but I will only mention the one which lasted two months. It was a nice experience. we spent everyday together. Eventually she sensed that I wasnt into it. I have completely closed my heart to her. If I had met her during my breakup last year I probably would have clinged to her. I glad that did not happen and I am happy to have gone through spending time with this girl. She clearly was a rebound. I made it clear to her from the beginning that it would be a while before I could totally shake off the fall I went through last year. She was understanding, it is good to see this girl when I run into her around town. I feel like this experience shows that I have grown and that I am less likely in my life to jump into a relationship right away. Though it really is romantic to believe in love at first sight. I am now removed from that notion. I think it just has to do with the times that we live in. People do not seem to be wanting to stay together for very long anymore. Everyone seems to want their freedom for individuality and exploration. Not surprising given the amount of things we are exposed to and witness with the internet. This has been a very brief synopsis of my last year. If your heart has been ripped at the severity of mine all I can say to you is to force yourself to go no contact in the begining. Make yourself angry at the person though do not try to fall into blame blame blame. This is difficult as it is a fine line. Just be conscious that when you are hating and blaming that you are really just analyzing your emotions, if you are to do what I call 'healthy hating/ blaming'. . In time it will all come together. It has been a year for me and things are still improving. I am still heartbroken though I am also learning that a person has been neglected my whole life while I was frantcally and unsuccessfully searching for love. This person is myself. I am learning that this is the person that matters and that this person deserves to be treated well. There is someone out there who is good for me. It will not be based out of purely looks and social stature anymore. When I am with someone seriously again it will only be based out of that person being good for me and my creative expression. If I find they are not good for me I am going to walk away. This whole thing is a new concept for me. In the past I always tried to save the diamond in the rough. It really doesn't work. "Be Yourself because Everyone else is taken"
EgoJoe Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) I like this post and want to say yet, but etc. So in order to avoid seeming like I'm refuting or disputing. I want to say that I think what you are calling healthy hating would be just holding others accountable for the way that they treat you and acting accordingly. I don't think that hating someone for a personal decision (no matter how tackily or untactful they go about it or the things they do after) is appropriate. The only man I've ever hated died on May 1st and that was Osama. He deserved hate. Edited September 8, 2011 by EgoJoe
PositiveNegative Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Thanks for this. It is inspiring. I have just realized that I have been far too kind to my ex. She broke up with me for a basic GIGS situation. Yeah, I can understand it since I am her first love, but I've denied myself the appropriate anger that I should have regarding the situation. It sounds like you really loved your ex. A year and still heartbroken. That is so hard to hear as I am just starting this process. It's so dreadful to think I may still have the same feelings a whole year from now. I hope that is not the case.
uant Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 it's nearly a year after the day he walked out of my life and i m still heart broken.. but what can i do anyway when there is nth left to do or to say. i just have to stay strong.
MissMoni Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Thanks for posting this, OP. It will be a year for me in a month and I am glad I am not the only one who still has some days/weeks where I can get sad about my ex. It seems like everyone else moves on so quickly. and this made me realize its about me, not him. Congratulations for making it this far! I only wish I had gotten out there and dated too! But, I'm too scared right now, really.
ChelleBelle Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Oh gosh, your post was so sad. I have just split up with my boyfriend and the pain is terrible. I am struggling to get through every passing hour, let alone day. I so want to heal and feel better about myself. I want time to pass quickly. I am so distraught and heart broken. Oh Gosh, please don't tell me this pain will last forever.
Dark Phoenix Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Thanks for this. It is inspiring. I have just realized that I have been far too kind to my ex. She broke up with me for a basic GIGS situation. Yeah, I can understand it since I am her first love, but I've denied myself the appropriate anger that I should have regarding the situation. It sounds like you really loved your ex. A year and still heartbroken. That is so hard to hear as I am just starting this process. It's so dreadful to think I may still have the same feelings a whole year from now. I hope that is not the case. I'm about 5 and a half months out from being dumped by my ex-girlfriend who fits into the gigs category. I can tell you it does get a lot easier (especially after the third month) but like the OP said you do have your ups and downs. I still get downs quite often but not to the severity that they were at the beginning of my journey. I can see myself in 6 or 7 months time still thinking about my ex and having those down times every so often. But keep in mind that the OP said he went a whole 2 month span without thinking about his ex and he's been dating around. sure he has a barrier around his heart but that is to be expected, and rather smart if you ask me. It shows that he has healed in that 1 year that he's been without his ex, not all at once, but let it be some kind words of reassurance that this road does get easier to travel on once you get going.
gamechanger Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 i feel it man mine did me dirty, she was more "experienced" than me and while i was trying to build my career and a life for us she was "looking" for the "one" behind my back. i put too much faith in her and trusted her too much. she ripped my heart and soul out. the saying is true the first cut is the deepest. i havent even been able to go out and date cuz it doesnt feel right, not even 6 months later. ive had two one night stands and in the morning it just made feel worse. all im working on at this point is me. the thoughts that keep me going is that im going to be the best at what i do and someday with a little work im going to find my soulmate and life will be amazing. i miss many aspects from the relationship but im getting better. your right as well with the changing times everyone is out for themselves, compassion and self sacrifice are a thing of the past. keep your head up at least from my experence it get worse before it gets better but, it really does get better.
luminous dreamer Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Great post... thank you. I particularly liked the "steak behind the glass" analogy. One more golden nugget of insight gleaned from all you wonderful folks on LoveShack to help me get over him...
Author reknown29 Posted September 15, 2011 Author Posted September 15, 2011 Oh gosh, your post was so sad. I have just split up with my boyfriend and the pain is terrible. I am struggling to get through every passing hour, let alone day. I so want to heal and feel better about myself. I want time to pass quickly. I am so distraught and heart broken. Oh Gosh, please don't tell me this pain will last forever. My post was not meant to be sad. The fact that I still have feelings just shows that I am a man with a heart. When I commit with someone I mean it. I could quickly move on and just forget about this girl, though that would be difficult for me since I gave so much to her. though I could do it. The truth is that I will give as much to the one I meet in the future. Whether that future is today or years from now, either way, I know deep down that I am the real deal. I find most people on this board to be the real deal. We did not selfishly or blindly getting involved with someone. While this is a generalization I think it holds true for a lot of us, and I think we should be proud for being humans with massive hearts. Id rather go through life with few meaningful relationships than many meaningless relationships that exist just to fill the void of loneliness. For now it is important that we all enjoy times with our friends, make friends, or make more friends. Enjoy life and love will find its way back into it when the time is right. Dont force it and dont look for it. Learn to be yourself and work towards being the person you want to be in your own eyes, not anyone else's. If you happen to find love again within the year than consider yourself lucky. Again I recommend quality over quantity.
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