TragicAlliance Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 So it's currently after 3:30 AM, and here I am wide awake. I had dozed off to sleep, at last, but apparently my miserable friend Insomnia decided to come pay me a visit. I wish it'd hadn't. I was laying here awake when I saw my wayward boyfriend log off. My computer informed me that I had an email, so I checked it out. It was from him. He was in a super bubbly, happy mood according to this message... for whatever reason, it killed me. I guess it killed me because he's off being all happy and carefree and I'm back here all alone and feeling cut off. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted him to come home from the trip early. Basically seemed to say, however, that if he came home early he'd be losing money on his trip. So I replied. Was a short message, as I felt like sobbing at the moment. Basically told him it wasn't my decision to make, and that he needed to decide what was worth more to him in the long run. Told him to be careful either way he decided to go. How am I meant to tell him to throw his money away when he kept complaining to me that he desperately needed it? He should know I don't want him suffering at my hand. I'd feel guilty if I told him to blow the money he needs just because I'm lonely. And sadly for me, I don't care about my own needs enough to put them first. I'm so used to being the lonely, upset one that it's like "why change what works." And that results in me getting the short end of the stick. His reply came back as a basic "I'll see what I can do." He said he would've messaged me but didn't want to wake me up, that he was sorry I had just missed him, and that he'd simply tell me when he was available... later tonight. All I could say back was "Have fun." Insomnia is a miserable friend, but during times like these it feels like the only friend I've got. None of my friends are around to talk to, the boyfriend's gone being excited and happy without me... and I'm laying here crying my eyes out because my legs are hurting badly and my heart feels broken into bits. I guess there's nothing I can do except shut up and put up. I seriously get the feeling I woke up just to crash my good mood from earlier. I had so much going on for me... how could I let him spoil my happiness like this? Damnit, nobody should have this kind of power over me... Hopefully I'll go cry myself back to sleep shortly. I wish I had just slept through all of this.
Persephone67 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 You are right, you shouldn't let someone have that much power over you. I know, because I let myself get into a long term, eventually long distance relationship where he has all of power, over me and my emotions. What has helped me get my power BACK, is to start going out and doing things. Even if at first it's just getting out of the house for a walk to the store or to go for coffee. If there are any support groups in your area, or social groups in your area that are of interest to you, join them. Will help you make new friends. And as hard as I know it is to get out of the house when you just feel like isolating yourself against the world.....trust me, the longer you wait to get out there the harder it will be. Take baby steps, but trust me when I say get out of the house and be somewhat social. Also, try taking up a new hobby or getting back into one that you have let slide. Do things that YOU want to do and that will bring YOU happiness and a sense of pride. As hard as it is, try not to obsess over his emails and where he is and what he's doing. Use this time apart to grow as a person, and you will thank yourself for it. P
Author TragicAlliance Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 You are right, you shouldn't let someone have that much power over you. I know, because I let myself get into a long term, eventually long distance relationship where he has all of power, over me and my emotions. What has helped me get my power BACK, is to start going out and doing things. Even if at first it's just getting out of the house for a walk to the store or to go for coffee. If there are any support groups in your area, or social groups in your area that are of interest to you, join them. Will help you make new friends. And as hard as I know it is to get out of the house when you just feel like isolating yourself against the world.....trust me, the longer you wait to get out there the harder it will be. Take baby steps, but trust me when I say get out of the house and be somewhat social. Also, try taking up a new hobby or getting back into one that you have let slide. Do things that YOU want to do and that will bring YOU happiness and a sense of pride. As hard as it is, try not to obsess over his emails and where he is and what he's doing. Use this time apart to grow as a person, and you will thank yourself for it. P Well, as it turns out he's NOT coming home. He's off to the second week of his trip. Thankfully I expected this, so I'm not hurt... I just feel like saying "whatever" to the whole thing. So I will. Whatever. I'm hoping that next week will be much easier for me because I start both my new jobs sometime next week. I'm hoping that by having these two jobs I won't have time to be bothered with all of this. I'm also looking into a gym to join when I finally have money rolling in. This will hopefully absorb even more of my free time. I do know about support groups - I'm a part of a support group for another issue I was suffering with - and would be interested in joining something like Emotions Anonymous if I could find a meeting in my area. For now I throw myself into writing poetry, playing videogames, or word puzzles... I'm kind of a nerd. I'm in a weird haze lately, but I guess it's getting better. But hopefully starting Monday, I won't be bothered by any of this.
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