PelicanPete Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Where do I even begin? Such a vast topic to cover. This collection of knowledge isn't going to be exclusively about getting over a breakup, because human emotions are never that simple. There is no one answer or one solution to feeling better. It doesn't matter what the answers are, all you should care about is the process, not the solutions. We don't listen to music to hear the last note, nor do we live life for our last day, so why should we look at this any different? Schopenhauer created a metaphor about human relationships being similar to porcupines. When it's cold they must huddle together to survive. Too close together, and they end of hurting eachother with their needles. Too far apart, and they end up freezing. They must find that balance in order to survive. You are under the break up forum because your relationship couldn't find that balance. Don't be too hard on yourself however. It may have been you that ended up hurting your partner by getting too close, or perhaps maybe they pulled away from you and found warmth elsewhere, there are countless scenarios to consider, but you will have all of the answers eventually. Before I dive into it, I want to tell you something really important. Perhaps the most important piece of knowledge in this wall of text which goes far beyond for just recovering from a breakup. Realize that you know nothing. Our human brain strives for understanding which may serve us well in things like mathematics, but as for human relationships and emotions that only creates ignorance. People change. As soon as you "know" someone, you actually start growing apart from them. Thoughts, ideas and experiences change us everyday. Never put a result on anyone. It's as Heraclitus once said, "You can never step in the same river twice". I'm going to try to split this into two sections. One for getting over breakups, and the other for self development. Now is the perfect time to start improving yourself. You may already be in hell, so why not clean up a little on your way out? The Break Up: "I know it's over, And it never really began, But in my heart it was so real" Victim Mentality The first hurdle to overcome when someone breaks up with you is the victim mentality. It is the feeling that you have been wronged or punished, that things aren't fair, and that you didn't deserve this, even though you essentially put yourself in this situation. Victims never grow because they always blame others rather then themselves.It is the equivalent to sitting in a car and expecting to move without even turning it on. It is one of the biggest hurdles of overcoming a break up, and depending on the person it can last anywhere from 2-3 weeks to years. This alone is what makes break ups so emotionally painful. I made a post awhile back about the victim mentality that I felt did it justice. I just wanted to point out that its perfectly normal to let yourself slip a bit when your going through a big break up. I wasn't able to gather how long ago your break up happened, but if you're in the first two month range of it your probably going to have no appetite, little sleep, and just feeling depressed with a dash of hopelessness. First two weeks on my breakup, I lost about 8 pounds, didn't shave at all, and pretty much just sat in darkness feeling like crap . She was my first love as well, and I defined a large portion of who I was and what I wanted in the future around being with her. It felt like our relationship was a 4 year game of Jenga, all this build up and effort to reach the top, and one day she knocked it all over and left me to clean it up. I was unsure of where I was headed, who I was, and what I wanted, and my appearance definitely validated that. It's important to get that feeling of being a victim out of your system. Life definitely beat the crap out of me that year, and I know everyones telling ya you have to get out there and start doing all this stuff to get over your break up, but I needed time to let myself go through it all before I was ready. Think about a boxing match, why do they give you 10 seconds to get up? You need time to feel it, get your composure, and deal with it before your able to start swingin' again. If you get up too fast, your weak, dizzy, and unprepared. So where do you think you'll end up? After a month, I was ready to get up. I was sick of feeling like crap and acting like a victim, so I gradually got back into my regular routines while trying to redefine who I was. I was still dealing with a lot of emotions about the break up, in fact a lot of times i didn't even want to leave my house, but I was able to deal with my break up and my life in general a lot better by getting that feeling of weakness out of my system. I faced a lot more discouragement when I returned to "the real world", but i didn't let those knock me back down because I was emotionally fortified and ready for life. So if this feels like a knock out punch, don't be in a rush to scramble back up to your feet. You got 10 seconds! You don't have to be up at 2 or 3, let yourself feel it, then set some goals for yourself and wait until your seeing straight before you get back up. With that said, if you aren't up in 10 seconds you're choosing to give up. Life will always go on, but it will stand still for you if you let it. So how does a person essentially stop being a victim? By getting your negative emotions out of your system. They create a roadblock in your mind that forces progressive and positive thoughts to stand still. Coping is essentially trying to remove that road block in your mind. You can't move on without moving, our bodies and minds rely on movement. Examine the word emotion. E-motion, to move out of. Feelings and emotions flow through us. In order to properly feel an emotion entirely, it must exit. Once it leaves, you have nothing left to hold onto. So with that in mind, lets look at ways of getting things out of your system. Coping: All of the techniques are essentially forms of venting. Any form of venting is coping, and everyone copes differently. The techniques I'm going to explain can be used to cope in much more ways then just break ups. Here were some ways that I coped which essentially helped me move on so fast. Excessive Writing This was something I was drawn to do during my depression which I found to be a great way of coping and venting, and I am surprised it isn't used more often. I explained it fully in a past thread, so I'll just copy/paste I was able to stop feeling like a victim and starting to understand things better by going over the break up with other people (like LS), writing out the break up many times in different ways, and reading/helping other people with their relationship problems to apply that knowledge to my own break up. In the beginning when you're going over what happened, it's filled with heart ache and bitterness. The more you tell the story in different ways and examine it from different angles, the less meaningful it becomes to you. It's the same psychology as listening to one song on loop, eventually you're going to get tired of it and want to move on. Using different words when describing/writing the break up will unlock different ideas and perceptions about the event. Each word holds its own perception. For example you get a different idea when you hear "happy" compared to "blissful", but they still have the same core idea. By describing it in every way you can think of, it causes you to get over the pain of your break up a lot faster, because you have opened as many doors as you can think of to filter your heart ache out instead of just one. Instead of seeing it one sided, one idea, one perception, you'll eventually see it from multiple. Think of a relationship as a glass full of water. When a break up occurs that glass starts to leak, and all of your feelings towards that person start to slowly drip away. Some people ignore it, try to cover it up, or fix it, but if you never look beyond that one leak, it will take forever for that whole glass to be empty. By examining the cup you may find multiple weak spots in the glass. When you let yourself understand why those spots are weak, water will begin to pour from them. The emotions you held towards that person will exit a lot faster through multiple points rather then just one, and soon all that you'll have left is an empty glass. When the glass is empty, you'll know which points to strengthen without making a mess, so hopefully next time you won't have any leaks. If you let it happen you will soon start to learn a lot, not only about the break up but about yourself. The more you go over what happened by admitting your mistakes and identifying why you are in pain, the more you'll understand about yourself, why it happened, and your ex's behavior. All of this makes it a lot more bearable to move to the next chapter in your life. If you're reading a book and you don't understand a point in the story, it makes it difficult to understand the rest of the book. Breakups seem to follow the same philosophy. Once you understand why it happened, there is nothing left to hold on to. When you achieve understanding, you probably won't see your ex as that horrible person you saw when it first happened. By going over the story so many times, you are probably able to gain some insight from her point of view and maybe even understand why she did it. It takes more effort to hold negativity towards them at this point, you may even feel sorry for them. After all, people who hurt others are in pain themselves. When your at this phase, you'll find it much easier to let go and move on. You'll come across little reminders of them after letting go, and they won't hold that much emotion. It will be easy to just let them float past in your head, maybe even smile at the fond memories, and move on with the rest of your day. Using a Psychological Tool There is a different definition of a psychological tool in the psych field, but I couldn't think of what else I could call it. This is essentially giving meaning to something, whether it be a place, a song, or an object. It works as a way of easing the load off of a hurtful event or traumatic experience because you are transferring those memories to something else. However, a possible disadvantage to this is when you come across that totem it will cause you to remember what happened much more vividly. A lot of you have probably done this before in the past without even realizing, but it is a great way of coping. The easiest thing to do this with in this day and age is with music. You can pick a song that you relate to, and whenever you're feeling heartbroken or depressed you turn that song on loop until you feel better. You will be transferring feelings and memories into that song, which means they are less powerful inside of you. You can do it with an object or a place as well. Whenever you are sad, go to that place or hold that object and reminisce on the past events which make you sad. In a way it is like emotional storage. It frees up space inside of yourself. As I said earlier though, you may not want to attach so much negativity to something you cherish. Depending on how often you use that psychological tool to cope, it will cause much more vivid memories of what you were feeling in that time of your life. An example of this is I used a song as a psychological tool to help dim down the intensity towards my break up. I played it everyday on loop during my depression which caused me to get over it faster, but now whenever I play that song I have vivid recollection of my thoughts, perceptions, and feelings. Regardless, using a psychological tool is a very valuable way of coping. Just be careful with what you use The Talking Cure Talk about it! Whether it be over LS or to your friends or family [although they may get sick of you very fast ]. Get it out of your system! Talk about it til you're completely sick of it. It's that simple. LS is a great place for that. You can read about other peoples break ups, apply other peoples perspectives to your own, and see your relationship in a new light. If you're stuck on something, talk through it. All of the answers are within yourself, just sometimes you need a little help to realize that. Knowledge is power. If you understand your breakup, you have no choice but to move on. Self Development/Moving On: "The knife wanders through me so slow, It cuts between us as we grow" You are now past pointing the finger at everyone else, and all that's left to point the finger at is yourself. Nothing that your ex could or could not do cause you to suddenly move on, moving on is all about yourself. It is a choice, and it can very well become a new lifestyle. Being at rock bottom is a great place to start becoming a better version of you, and that's where most break ups leave you. A bruised ego is common after a breakup. We start to feel inadequete and that there is something wrong with us because a person that apparently cared about us decided to call it quits. This stems anxiety and self insecurity which can very well snowball into depression, and people essentially become depressed because they are depressing who they are and not satisfying the qualities which make them who they are. Therefore, the most important step towards moving on is developing confidence within yourself. Confidence/Be who you want to be Confidence is essentially your thoughts and feelings about yourself. So how do you start developing confidence when you're at rock bottom? Simply by pursuing activites that you respect and that make you feel good about yourself, which will cause you to rise from rock bottom. It's that simple. I say do activites that you respect because you determine something not by what it is, but by what it is doing. By doing activities that you find respectful, you'll grow to respect yourself. Sure something like pub crawling may make you feel good about yourself at the time, but not only is that an unhealthy way to deal with your emotions, but you probably don't see that as a very respectful activity, which will only cause you to like yourself less. So many people resort to healthy eating and exercising after the breakups because that is an easy way to develop confidence in yourself. Not only can you physically watch yourself improve which gives you a big psychological boost, but your body looks and feels better. Confidence isn't just the key to moving on, but it is the key to living a happy life. I remember one of my personal struggles during my breakup was that I was unemployed. Finding a job was extremely difficult, and I was running out of money fast from university expenses. I didn't find a job for another few months, and even though I was rejected by countless employers I successfully developed confidence in myself. Why? Because I was working towards the person that I wanted to be. I had the mental picture of myself having a job again, and because I continued to pursue my goal after constant failure I started to respect myself again. People are creatures of habit. It is a habit to act on your thoughts, therefore confidence and success are habitual. Replace your negative and unproductive habits with positive and productive ones, and you will be happy. It's that simple. Be what you think. Give life to your desires, and you will be a happy person for the rest of your days. If you always wanted to play the guitar but never pursued it for whatever reason, start learning how to play the guitar. You don't have to be Jimmy Page to enjoy it, your skill level is irrelevant. Simply by beginning to learn you are taking the next step and growing as a person. You will gradually become better then more you practice, and if playing the guitar is really something that you want to do you will develop confidence in yourself. Facing your Fears and Anxiety A fear is some sort of conflict within yourself which is often stemmed through a lack of knowledge about something. I had apiphobia [fear of wasps] most of my life because of a childhood experience where I was almost stung to death from disturbing a nest. I was scared of being stung from that point on because I lived under the perception of my childhood encounter. I also experienced anxiety towards wasps because I did not do anything to confront or satisfy my insecurites about them. Anxiety is created through inactivity towards what's bothering you. It wasn't til I opened myself to see them in a different light did I get over that phobia. Remember what I said at the top of the page, about the most important piece of knowledge being along the lines of "I know that I know nothing"? This is the mindset you must have in order to properly extinguish your fear. You may have a fear of being single, you may have a fear of heights, or perhaps like most of us you may have a fear of change. Whatever that fear may be, you fear it because you simply do not approach it with an open mind. Unless it is something that you should be afraid of [like wrestling a grizzly bear], I encourage you find the bravery to approach it with an open mind. Experiences like those escalate into confidence in ourselves whether they end in success or failure. One of my favorite quotes follow along the lines of "A coward dies a thousand deaths, while the brave die but once." Result? Never give yourself a result, because simply by doing that you apply a ceiling to your potential. I'm going to apply this logic and simply not give a conclusion to my write up. I hope you are able to take at least something from this, and if I can think of more to add I will. Feel free to give comments/questions/opinions, and thanks for reading.
sleepykitten Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Hi Pete, Thank you so much for taking the time out to write this post, I was having a really bad week, split up with my ex 3 mths ago then found out after we were still seeing each other the next mth that he had met someone else 2 days after our break up and is still with her, that hurt more than anything that had gone before and after having the intitial melt down and getting back up i thought i was ok then met with him with unbeknown to him opened up a can of worms of emotion for me as he said alot of things that just confused me. Anyway been nc since then apart from one call he made to me but this just triggered something off again and i felt like i was back to square one. So the beginning of this week has been tough and i felt like a failure for feeling like i had gone back. Its so helpful to come on ls and read such insightful posts and it gives me motivation and a sense of hope and peace that if i follow some guidelines I will be ok. I guess its just such an emotional rollercoaster and theres bound to be dips along the way.
melenkurion Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Pete, that's fantastic stuff. Definitely some stuff for me to think about. The "victim mentality" thing is something I can see that I am still stuck in, even now. It holds me back, I use it as an excuse to myself.
EgoJoe Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 This is pretty good Pete. I've seen you be bitter and doubtful though! I'm raining on your parade oh no!! I'm joking around, haha. Very accurate and to the point. Even the smartest of us lose ourselves to emotional turmoil when we're attached.
danceallday Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Thank you so much for sharing. Great post.
betterdeal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 As soon as you "know" someone, you actually start growing apart from them. Everytime I paint a portrait I lose a friend. - John Singer Sargent
intigo Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 i agree 100% with everything you wrote the feelings you described after the break up was exactly what i feel. great post
geegirl Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 As soon as you "know" someone, you actually start growing apart from them. Food for thought.
Mack05 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Food for thought. Feeling optimistic tonight eh Gee... Pete Great thread. Lot of thought put into and very well written.
geegirl Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Feeling optimistic tonight eh Gee... QUOTE] All this free time with NC. Must put brain to good use.
Author PelicanPete Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Hi Pete, Thank you so much for taking the time out to write this post, I was having a really bad week, split up with my ex 3 mths ago then found out after we were still seeing each other the next mth that he had met someone else 2 days after our break up and is still with her, that hurt more than anything that had gone before and after having the intitial melt down and getting back up i thought i was ok then met with him with unbeknown to him opened up a can of worms of emotion for me as he said alot of things that just confused me. Anyway been nc since then apart from one call he made to me but this just triggered something off again and i felt like i was back to square one. So the beginning of this week has been tough and i felt like a failure for feeling like i had gone back. Its so helpful to come on ls and read such insightful posts and it gives me motivation and a sense of hope and peace that if i follow some guidelines I will be ok. I guess its just such an emotional rollercoaster and theres bound to be dips along the way. Hang in there sleepy. No matter what you feel the next little while just realize he has nothing left to offer you. Show yourself that you can flourish without him, because everyone knows you can do it. Pete, that's fantastic stuff. Definitely some stuff for me to think about. The "victim mentality" thing is something I can see that I am still stuck in, even now. It holds me back, I use it as an excuse to myself. My best advice would be to use ways of coping [doesn't have to be the ones i suggested] until you are sick of being a victim. There is a point when the break up is still fresh in our minds where we don't want to get better, where we want to be sad and mourn. Just get all of your feelings out of your system no matter how big or small, and you'll no longer be a victim. Thanks everyone who responded, I'm glad you guys were able to take something from what I wrote. If there is something I wrote that you don't agree with, as long as it stays constructive I encourage you to challenge and ask questions. Please don't hesitate. My way of seeing things isn't necessarily the right way. Don't worry, I won't take it to heart .
LelouchIsZero Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Only just saw this now, Pete -- but it was a really good read. Its good that you pointed out that people need to leave the victim mentality, as really, its hardly ever brought up on LS. I've already done most of what you've brought up, though I haven't completely moved on yet, which is fair enough I suppose, as I'm only 5 months out of the relationship & she was my first love. But more importantly, "I know it's over, And it never really began, But in my heart it was so real" The smiths <3
M2155 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 As soon as you "know" someone, you actually start growing apart from them This point I think is so true but kinda sad in a way. Kind of highlights the importance of keeping things "fresh" in a relationship. Great post though, and I appreciate the great use of analogies:).
betterdeal Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Not sure why this is for dumpees only? Dumpers, mutually agreed to splits, never been in a conventional, bona fide relationship can all find something useful here for their journey.
Author PelicanPete Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Only just saw this now, Pete -- but it was a really good read. Its good that you pointed out that people need to leave the victim mentality, as really, its hardly ever brought up on LS. I've already done most of what you've brought up, though I haven't completely moved on yet, which is fair enough I suppose, as I'm only 5 months out of the relationship & she was my first love. But more importantly, The smiths <3 Glad you enjoyed it! And yes, The Smiths are basically the only thing I listen to from the 80s It's not a point of having done things, but more a point of doing them. You have to cope until you are absolutely sick of it, until you are completely tired of talking about your ex and cannot think of anything else about them. Until you feel with every ounce of your being that you want to move forward and leave your ex behind. Then you are ready for the next step. This point I think is so true but kinda sad in a way. Kind of highlights the importance of keeping things "fresh" in a relationship. Great post though, and I appreciate the great use of analogies:). Thank you! Another way of seeing it is just don't take them for granted, and that point helps prevent that. It is so easy for people or things we come across everyday to slip into our perception and just become routine. Our brain strives for regular occurrences to become unconscious acts, but by doing that with relationships we end up missing out on their full potential. Not sure why this is for dumpees only? Dumpers, mutually agreed to splits, never been in a conventional, bona fide relationship can all find something useful here for their journey. Yeah you're right . I should have named it something different, but I lacked the creativity at the time of making the thread. Hopefully dumpers curiosity will cause them to take a peek in the thread regardless.
Author PelicanPete Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Lots of traffic in the break up forum! Someone may find this helpful
sun_moon Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I really do like your use of analogies. It's funny, all the examples of fears you listed, I have them. Fear of heights, fear of change, fear of being alone. I read your posts a long time ago and they gave me some instruction and hope when I was feeling like utter crap. Reading them now, it just made me smile. So is that in a way, a psychological tool. Because I'm sure we can all say we have done that with LS? I have many fears to overcome and while I'm not quite "over it", my current journey involves specific goal setting and fear conquering. HURRAHHHH!!
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