kewell Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Hi my ex and I are 24. And we have been in this relationship for 2 years. We loved each other so much. She always told me I was the best she has ever had; a guy who just not care bout having fun with her, but also help her in difficult times, care about her health, her work, everything and is serious towards marriage. I also feel that I can love her while being "myself". I feel accepted and so loved by her and happy to sacrifice anything for her. But our relationship had to end because of an issue between her mother with my parents, even though it's my ex who made the decision. The root of the problem, issue #1, began when her mother got offended by what most people would say "small talks" from my parents. My parents asked my ex bout what her parents do for life, what business is it, how much is the rental, and so on. Her mother was over sensitive. She firmly believe that my parents were crossing the line, believing that the intent of the question was to "check" on her family economy, assuming my parents are afraid that I one day might have to feed my ex's parents. She's holding to that kind of perception even though I tried my best to convince her that there was no ill intent from my parents. Issue #2 is that my ex's mom is feeling insecure cos my ex and I was in a LDR. My ex is in our hometown (Jakarta, Indonesia) and I have to work in Singapore. She then asked me to give up my current job and find new one in our hometown (which everybody would agree; is like taking a step back towards my future). I agreed to sacrifice believing this is the best way for our happiness, but my parents once hesitated and worried. And by looking at my ex's mom's behavior, they judged her of being too demanding and controlling; though in the end, they respected my decision and vowed to support me and my ex. Issue #3 is a mix of 2 issues. First, Her mom did not like the plan that both sides have to use our savings for the marriage, even though her side doesn't have to contribute as much as my side does (bcos the fact that my family is not rich, and I only started working for 2 years). She believes that it should be the male's side that has the responsibility to do so. And second, she was exteremely worried she even fell sick once after I asked her if I can take my ex to Singapore to build better career here. She just does not want to be far apart from her daughter. Issue #4. From there on her mom would sometimes look like she's not interested in me anymore. Sometimes I can feel like from I'm being compared with other men to really get insulted. I was once deeply insulted and did not think very clearly before I reported it to my parents. My parents felt that her words is an insult to our family's dignity and has since disliked my ex's mom. Maybe I was at fault by being too open as well. My ex was not aware of the #4, but all the 3 issues she was aware of were enough to made her paranoid. She felt that she had to choose between her family and me. Although she loves me so much, she would always think about how our parents will merge together. And by looking at her mother's blockheadedness, she's afraid to stand up and defend her love, thus sacrificing our relationship. This was our FIRST break up. My decision to agree with my ex's decision is because I love and respect her. A day after our break up, my ex started to realise what she really misses. She texted me at around 1 AM saying she misses me, she can't sleep, she's not feeling well, can't eat properly. I asked her what does she truly wants. She does not want to be apart from me, but afraid that her mother will clash with my parents. Her mother heard of this, and was touched by this, then was soften a bit. Her mom called me and explain everything, asked me if I still love her daughter. I said I do, and we get back together. Her mom then told me of her plan to gather her family with my family to talk about our marriage. BUT, after I told this to my parents, they were happy for me but at the same time hesitated to meet her mother. I was asked by my ex the next day of my parents decision. I don't want to make her happy by lying to her, therefore I told her the truth, which is the issue #4. She then went speechless and cried the whole day. I tried to convince her that everything's going to be ok and we can work something out. But she felt she's too ashamed on her family to face my parents. Even when my parents finaly apologize to me and agreed (not because I beg on them), it is just too late. She then distanced herself back from me and this looks like it's really going to be over. I don't know what I should do anymore. Should I leave her alone first? Should I let things cool down first? I know she still loves me and is now trying to kill her own feelings. Appreciate any input from you guys. Thanks for hearing me out!
geegirl Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Reading your story reminds me so much of where I came from. It's cultural and parents always seem to have such a strong influence in relationships almost at times causing breakups between two people when infact, while they are your parents, this relationship is between the two of you and want you both want for the future. It's a different mindset here in the US. And while I have lived here for more than ten years with my parents being so far away, they still have a hold on me. You can take their issues into consideration but it should never be a dealbreaker, and issues that are so trivial at that, when the two of you love each other. Parents will learn how to sort out their differences or they may never will. If two people love each other, parents should get together, talk about it, apologize and work together in an effort to keep it all together, and most importantly to the sake of their children's happiness. That's all nice but we know where we come from. Wishful thinking. As for her, she seems too attached and concerned by what her mother thinks and feels. Tell her that you would still want to be with her and that both of you should give your parents so time to reflect about how this is about your life and not theirs. In the meantime you both should work things out together because it's not your R that is crumbling but external situations that are not working out. Talk to to your parents in a non-confrontational way or one that does not pressure them into going against what they feel. My parents are the same way. I always had to ease them into working out situations. Sort of a slow brainwashing. Can your parents call her and at least talk to her to put her at ease? Maybe that will show her that your parents want to make an attempt to be acceptable towards her and her mother and in a way show remorse? Right now I feel that she doesn't feel accepted by your parents and feels unworthy. And her feelings are magnified by the way her mother feels as well.
EgoJoe Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 You'll never get anywhere dealing with the defense mechanisms of someone elses Ego. You need to bypass that and while I could share a few methods that might work. I think you'd probably benefitting from learning about the process itself. Keep your head up! You're obviously a good dude who cares!
silly_panda Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Sorry if this sounds a bit rude... You are in a relationship with your ex, not your ex's mum..! Who cares what the mum says and think..? You are both happily together... Didn't her mum see that..? Isn't her mum feel happy for her daughter as well..? Sorry I had to let it out... I had been through this before... Alrite... A relationship when involving parents that looks down on the other person or thinks that their son/daughter could be with someone better is difficult... Because at the end of the day (depending on how your ex is brought up), normally family comes first... And your ex doesn't seem to be the kind of person that will disobey her mum... So this is really though... It's no longer between the two of you... It's now between two families... I think you should give her some space at the moment... Call her once in a while to see how she's doing... Let things cool down between your parents and her mum... But I strongly believe, if your relationship is healthy and there is no financial difficulty issue involved, eventually her mum will be able to accept... After all if her mum really loves her daughter, she will really wan her to be happy... Just my opinion anyway...
Author kewell Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) Hi geegirl, EgoJoe, silly_panda.. Thanks for reading appreciate ur comments.. It's very true that my ex's very attached to her mom.. Her mom has a very strong influence on how she thinks, and is a very self-centered person.. Furthermore, my ex's very fragile and can't defend herself.. Both times she dumped me were of her consideration on her mom's thoughts and feelings.. But her deep concerns about our future in-laws problem have surpassed even her feelings for me.. It's always been her "idealism/dream?" to have a family that is in harmony.. She said she's extremely down and sad, but has no choice other than this.. Said that she feels guilty, ashamed, and unworthy for her family to meet my parents while her mother might think that my parents are full of whims.. I believe she still loves me and never really wanted to break up, but the other side of her may believe something like "maybe this is the best for us" or "maybe this is what's best for me from God".. Guess I'll let things cool down 1st, hoping that time will heal.. Cos, just like what geegirl said, it's "external" problems, not between me and her.. We have a very healthy relationship, loved each other so much that we have that special level of trust between each other even though we were in LDR.. And I thank God that we never have a serious financial issue, we have never had a fight as well.. And it's very sad to see this end just because of a misunderstanding between future in-laws.. Edited September 9, 2011 by kewell
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