gladiator Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hi,Posted in june "what about this then" (sorry cant copy the link) Well its been nearly 3m since w initiated 1st meet.I dont know what I am dealing with here!! Month 1,dates,regular sex (almost daily 1st 2 wks),good communication,agreed way forward,noticed a change,w finally expressing emotions.Stayed at mine regular weekends,all going well Month 2 and 3,stayed another 3 times max,less sex (none for 4 wks) not making time for us,2 nights out with her friends and did not even text to say back ok etc.On one occasion I saw her friday night,she went out 2pm sat,returned home sun aft,so I heard nothing from her from fri until I finally text her at 3pm sun,to ask if she was back safe! I really dont know what to do,she is so hot and cold again.No way this feels like a recon,is it just a game to her,now feel she has not really changed. I am in a very awkward position.W Now back to jekyll hyde behaviour.How can I be anything other than frustrated/confused,w clearly wanted it now she barely communicates! Even though she is like this,she still says things as if we will still be together in future.Does she just want to be in a relationship,but cant handle one?I could probably be with her for years,but even after the A it still seems to be all about her and whatever mood she is in I have to adapt to it (Must be a syndrome out there for this behaviour) ! Just wanted family back,but feel as if she is using me again,still live apart and I hate fact my sons are growing up in different houses HELP!!
fenderstrathss Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I don't know the background story, but it sounds like the affair has started up again.
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Roll-coaster ride your on with her.. How can you stand it! Dysfunctional life style you lead with someone like this! She's a RED FLAG CASE JOB! That's how mine was. My advice get out of it now! There are better women out there for you and you know it!
KathyM Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Hi,Posted in june "what about this then" (sorry cant copy the link) Well its been nearly 3m since w initiated 1st meet.I dont know what I am dealing with here!! Month 1,dates,regular sex (almost daily 1st 2 wks),good communication,agreed way forward,noticed a change,w finally expressing emotions.Stayed at mine regular weekends,all going well Month 2 and 3,stayed another 3 times max,less sex (none for 4 wks) not making time for us,2 nights out with her friends and did not even text to say back ok etc.On one occasion I saw her friday night,she went out 2pm sat,returned home sun aft,so I heard nothing from her from fri until I finally text her at 3pm sun,to ask if she was back safe! I really dont know what to do,she is so hot and cold again.No way this feels like a recon,is it just a game to her,now feel she has not really changed. I am in a very awkward position.W Now back to jekyll hyde behaviour.How can I be anything other than frustrated/confused,w clearly wanted it now she barely communicates! Even though she is like this,she still says things as if we will still be together in future.Does she just want to be in a relationship,but cant handle one?I could probably be with her for years,but even after the A it still seems to be all about her and whatever mood she is in I have to adapt to it (Must be a syndrome out there for this behaviour) ! Just wanted family back,but feel as if she is using me again,still live apart and I hate fact my sons are growing up in different houses HELP!! Sounds like she wants to live a single life and have her freedom. Nothing you can do about that. Too bad you chose someone that was not wife/mother material. She sounds very immature.
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) Sounds like she wants to live a single life and have her freedom. Nothing you can do about that. Too bad you chose someone that was not wife/mother material. She sounds very immature. Wow KathyM you have describe my nutty wife to the T! I hope the OP will listen to what you have type too. We men can be so stubborn and won't let go of the problem the so called RED FLAG WAVING IN OUR FACE BECAUSE WE KEEP WORTHLESS WIFE AROUND STILL! Edited September 8, 2011 by coolheadal
KathyM Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Wow KathyM you have describe my nutty wife to the T! I hope the OP will listen to what you have type too. We men can be so stubborn and won't let go of the problem the so called RED FLAG WAVING IN OUR FACE BECAUSE WE KEEP WORTHLESS WIFE AROUND STILL! It's unfortunate people don't value their marriages or their family, and want to go chase after some shallow, unfulfilling lifestyle. The kids need their parents to act like mature responsible adults. It's too bad the kids have to suffer for the immaturity and selfishness of their parents. I wish people would sow their wild oats before they marry and have kids. It's so unfair to the kids to have such self-absorbed flakey parents.
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 It's unfortunate people don't value their marriages or their family, and want to go chase after some shallow, unfulfilling lifestyle. The kids need their parents to act like mature responsible adults. It's too bad the kids have to suffer for the immaturity and selfishness of their parents. I wish people would sow their wild oats before they marry and have kids. It's so unfair to the kids to have such self-absorbed flakey parents. I don't have kids, she's not the wife/mother type! I had wish I had known this, because that's what I had wanted. She lied to me about wanting kids when I had first met her. Too much excuses always came up. She didn't want to raise our kids here in this townhouse. She needed a house. So a few years later we get this house and still excuses had popped up! She can't even take care of herself nor our two dogs. I had to do it. Today she's on her own and have to take care of business like managing her life in another townhouse with one of our two dogs.
Author gladiator Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I don't know the background story, but it sounds like the affair has started up again. Background...w had pa for 5m last year,was ended as she entered the family home with om,while I was in with 7yr old son! (xmas time) last time slept in same bed as w was xmas day! She actually left me for a period of 5 weeks oct/nov claiming she needed a break,stressed with her studies.She returned home while the A was at its peak. I learned a lot by getting it out of om.When it wast bust open I told om w.My w conveniently went to her bro house with plenty of room,how lucky!always seems to land on her feet I dont know why she came back in nov,but she since claimed it was to "get on" how am I meant to get my head round that,cant she see that was impossible! Showed v.v litlle remorse,its as if she was the victim,blameshifted etc,om went back to his w same day to continue their "family life".She mentioned v.little about A and I know she would avoid any questions about it She was b.f with om w! spoke to her on daily basis,w.end away etc all while A going on! I went nc as best I could,I know I have been too weak as I was left with the house to run on my own,mortgage etc Still live apart,1 child each. I see youngest daily but not the same,went from being inseperable from youngest to him being took away at 2am dec 27th! He has lived away from me ever since.So it is a constant reminder of this as he is still away and it is so clear why Exactly 1 yr ago today I started a diary,I have so much info,I have lots facts about A,how she treated me/kids,behaviour patterns,guarded with phone,wouldnt be near me etc.Whenever I asked her if anything was wrong,she almost immediately turned it against me and said nothing wrong and things were my fault for going on! unbelievably frustrating I sometimes wonder how I have remained sane throughout this mess.But after a break of 6m and her initiating it I thought we would move on.Now I am getting the bad memories back and its not good!! 1 Good month has quickly merged into 3 v.average months and I am thinking wtf am I doing You might think what did I do.I can honestly 100% swear I have been nothing more than a loving husband and dad.I have always worked,provided,been there everyday for kids.You name it & I did it.Always been there in every way for her.In 13 yrs together never went more then 2wks without sex,then obviously nothing for 4/5 months (when she was telling me nothing wrong!) Then her initiating recon,sex approx 15 x in 2 wks,now not so much as a kiss for 1 month! what is she doing to my head! All this because she decided to give herself to a ugly little c,who f***** off back to his w the same day.I am still picking up the pieces 1 yr on! Their is no excuse for A,but she has the chance and she is f.ing it up already,and I have said if she cant do her share we must divorce.She will even make that hard work,no organisation with kids etc.Feel like she wanted me in her life but always on her terms.Its the same now in reality
robf1971 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Background...w had pa for 5m last year,was ended as she entered the family home with om,while I was in with 7yr old son! (xmas time) last time slept in same bed as w was xmas day! She actually left me for a period of 5 weeks oct/nov claiming she needed a break,stressed with her studies.She returned home while the A was at its peak. I learned a lot by getting it out of om.When it wast bust open I told om w.My w conveniently went to her bro house with plenty of room,how lucky!always seems to land on her feet I dont know why she came back in nov,but she since claimed it was to "get on" how am I meant to get my head round that,cant she see that was impossible! Showed v.v litlle remorse,its as if she was the victim,blameshifted etc,om went back to his w same day to continue their "family life".She mentioned v.little about A and I know she would avoid any questions about it She was b.f with om w! spoke to her on daily basis,w.end away etc all while A going on! I went nc as best I could,I know I have been too weak as I was left with the house to run on my own,mortgage etc Still live apart,1 child each. I see youngest daily but not the same,went from being inseperable from youngest to him being took away at 2am dec 27th! He has lived away from me ever since.So it is a constant reminder of this as he is still away and it is so clear why Exactly 1 yr ago today I started a diary,I have so much info,I have lots facts about A,how she treated me/kids,behaviour patterns,guarded with phone,wouldnt be near me etc.Whenever I asked her if anything was wrong,she almost immediately turned it against me and said nothing wrong and things were my fault for going on! unbelievably frustrating I sometimes wonder how I have remained sane throughout this mess.But after a break of 6m and her initiating it I thought we would move on.Now I am getting the bad memories back and its not good!! 1 Good month has quickly merged into 3 v.average months and I am thinking wtf am I doing You might think what did I do.I can honestly 100% swear I have been nothing more than a loving husband and dad.I have always worked,provided,been there everyday for kids.You name it & I did it.Always been there in every way for her.In 13 yrs together never went more then 2wks without sex,then obviously nothing for 4/5 months (when she was telling me nothing wrong!) Then her initiating recon,sex approx 15 x in 2 wks,now not so much as a kiss for 1 month! what is she doing to my head! All this because she decided to give herself to a ugly little c,who f***** off back to his w the same day.I am still picking up the pieces 1 yr on! Their is no excuse for A,but she has the chance and she is f.ing it up already,and I have said if she cant do her share we must divorce.She will even make that hard work,no organisation with kids etc.Feel like she wanted me in her life but always on her terms.Its the same now in reality You know deep down what is going on, you're just the backup option until something else comes along for her. Set her free, no need to be nasty, help her out even.. Pack her stuff in boxes Tell her "Wife, I get it now, you want to be with someone else, and thats great because I don't want to be with you anymore, so I've packed your stuff up and put it in the garage for you to pick up, I'll even help you move out!!! Then lawyer up with a bulldog, don't say anything just protect your assetts and your kids. Drop your wife like a bad habit, no communication in any way unless it's about kids. She wants to chat about anything else just be nice and tell her "Talk to my lawyer" and give her the number. Then you need to concentrate on your kids and having a great life on your own...
Author gladiator Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Roll-coaster ride your on with her.. How can you stand it! Dysfunctional life style you lead with someone like this! She's a RED FLAG CASE JOB! That's how mine was. My advice get out of it now! There are better women out there for you and you know it! I think I need to give her an ultimatum,but what advice do you guys have on the best way of doing so? thanks
robf1971 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I think I need to give her an ultimatum,but what advice do you guys have on the best way of doing so? thanks An ultimatum without action to back it up is as useless as chocolate teapot.
reboot Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I don't believe that "once a cheater always a cheater", but "twice a cheater always a cheater" rings pretty true to me. I think you're past the point of ultimatums. Wife, I get it now, you want to be with someone else, and thats great because I don't want to be with you anymore, so I've packed your stuff up and put it in the garage for you to pick up, I'll even help you move out!!! ^^^^ This is probably the best advice you're going to come across.
Arcee Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 I don't believe that "once a cheater always a cheater", but "twice a cheater always a cheater" rings pretty true to me. This is an apt quote for me
coolheadal Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Yes it's true was they cheat, they'll always be a cheater. They have broken a promise/commitment/trust/love an etc too you. Now that spouse/gf can't never go back to normal. The next guy she can do again and again like ring around the rosy never stopping to cheat who ever they are with current.
Author gladiator Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 spent most of weekend with w and kids,actually stayed at mine again! I tried to talk about "things" but she wasnt interested as usual,she cant grasp how emotionally draining all this has been.Know she wont open up about anything now,but she started to when met again in june,which is why I had hope for us I know deep down this is not right and I know she will never truly open up.It seems like its so trivial to her,not just this but every aspect of life.I am probably kidding myself this will ever really work.I could probably tread water with her for years,but I know that will always lead to me asking questions and wanting more from a relationship I even said again this weekend that while we were apart and I was doing nc,that was me letting go.I said if she truly is not happy with me she was free to go,but she came back I think she is still blocking the a out as it it never happened,all the online help seems to suggest that speaking about it is the 1st step to recovery,she just cant take any relationship seriously though.Too self absorbed! I cant let go though,I am not cut out for this ****,just wanted peace in life
Author gladiator Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 9.12.11 w called in for 15 mins,picked up son mentioned going out with her friends and their partners in a few weeks time Now this would normally be something to look forward to,but! friends know of A,I have only met them a couple of times and they will have had a massively one sided story, as if their is any excuse anyway! This would not be an issue,and I would see it has a very normal thing to do,but considering she is making no real effort after she couldn't do enough in june/july and we have had no intimacy for over 5 weeks. I am puzzled as to why she would want to go with me. Don't really feel like sitting there with couples who have recently started living together pretending all is well!! puke
fenderstrathss Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 You're making all the right moves if you don't want to save the marriage. Seriously, you don't cater to her every desire like a doormat. You have a right to be angry and the way you act with her is just reinforcing her behavior and keeping you as a backup plan. You need real no contact. Ignore her. Go out and do your own thing. Show her that you're not going to wait around on her. Every single thing you're doing is having the opposite effect of what you want. Want to know why she is distant and not being intimate again? She is still having an affair. Know why she doesn't want to open up and talk about it? She is still having an affair. Know why she brought up you two going out with her friends together? She is checking out how strong her safety net (you) still is by giving you some kind of hope to cling to. Put your foot down. Don't be her safety net or her doormat. This method doesn't guarantee that she will come back, but what you've been doing guarantees that she never will. The "I love you no matter what" crap actually repulses women when they're in affair mode. You better change your approach fast. Start digging again, I bet she is still having an affair and you need to put an end to it before anything positive will happen.
Author gladiator Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 You're making all the right moves if you don't want to save the marriage. Seriously, you don't cater to her every desire like a doormat. You have a right to be angry and the way you act with her is just reinforcing her behavior and keeping you as a backup plan. You need real no contact. Ignore her. Go out and do your own thing. Show her that you're not going to wait around on her. Every single thing you're doing is having the opposite effect of what you want. Want to know why she is distant and not being intimate again? She is still having an affair. Know why she doesn't want to open up and talk about it? She is still having an affair. Know why she brought up you two going out with her friends together? She is checking out how strong her safety net (you) still is by giving you some kind of hope to cling to. Put your foot down. Don't be her safety net or her doormat. This method doesn't guarantee that she will come back, but what you've been doing guarantees that she never will. The "I love you no matter what" crap actually repulses women when they're in affair mode. You better change your approach fast. Start digging again, I bet she is still having an affair and you need to put an end to it before anything positive will happen. I know people will read this and say how does he know for sure after last time.I could never say 100% she isn't,but who could? so from what I know she is not.The fact is it is hard to see anything positive as I would be surprised if she would leave her current set up (living with bro).That is obviously a major reason no intimacy etc,but not even making time now,always puts it down to being constantly tired. I know the right thing would be to lay down the law.Need to make time,move in,family back etc etc,but she is either too self centred (still) to see this or she just doesn't really care.That's the thing with her she can't seem to put any real attention to detail into any aspect of her life.A lot of it is wishy washy and she is so irresponsible with money,generally disorganised taking days off her uni course etc.It probably is doomed tbh
Author gladiator Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 well another week passes by,at this precise moment I am waiting to see if she will turn up with my boys and stay the night,limbo time again! Last night she was out again,stayed over at friends place again. No text again to say back in safe etc. I feel like I am going to snap soon,held it together fairly well this year after discovering A at xmas, and 5 months last year when I was being strung along.
Author gladiator Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 w text to ask if I wanted to go there (her bro's) to eat i.e this is a token effort as she said earlier in week she would "probably" stay at mine,which means my son would also.I Just replied "no thanks".I would rather sit alone bored than go there,so much for a recon,what a joke this is. She is obviously wasting my time again!! I will never understand this woman! But if I initiate any talk about the relationship! she will immediately make out I am going on again! I simply can't win it is an impossible fight like this.
Author gladiator Posted September 22, 2011 Author Posted September 22, 2011 latest..she text me out of nowhere,apparently she wants me and son to go live with her. She said it as if she assumed we would just go,no questions. I now have a major decision to make.Do I move and uproot my child again or see how things go while living seperate (not lived together for 9 months) nothing much happening while seperate as previous posts suggest and no sign of changing much as she is always tired,bogged down with work I am cautious because of the mood swings she has and will no doubt continue to have. On the other hand I want the family together again
Author gladiator Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Another diary entry!!! The relationship now consists of her inviting me for dinner occasionally.I only really see her when kids activities involved.My place feels more like a drop off/pick up point.I am 99.9% sure nothing "going on"!shame about that 0.1%. Obviously no intimacy at all,odd kiss when kids leaving.I must sound like a real sad c! Especially as I met a woman who could communicate,wanted intimacy,had plenty in common with. But it was too early and it was not fair on her as obviously I still wanted w!! crazy It feels so childish,she can't take things seriously.I know it is her character,even now I realise I will never be truly happy.Their was the glimmer of hope as she did start to open up.That is just some distant memory now,but I still hang on and live off the few breadcrumbs thrown out. I am living a half life,one I have been forced into.She has never gave any reasons.She never approached me to talk,she isn't capable of that,I was always there,maybe she resented me for that!
Majkl Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 She has no respect towards you and simply isnt attracted to you, you have to reject her and not be the rejectee. If you dont want to give up you dont have to but you have to start LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE so she sees you are fine without her and actually being HAPPY. Women sense despair and misery from a mile away even if they can/cant help themselves. From every relationship book out there and 'how to get your ex' back .... there is always the same ADVICE - BE HAPPY FOR YOU - THE ONE WHO CARES THE LEAST CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP. Wake up before its too late once again... Be polite to her, but make urself busy and not so available, tell her you have other plans, DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. You are clearly still in love with her but u are hurting... My marriage went to **** as well. I know where it went wrong as well. She is past the point where you should FOCUS on her...... she lost attraction for you and there is no passion. Go and be exactly opposite of who you are now and you have a small chance ... Good luck my friend, god bless you...
imagine Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 She has controlled your life as well as your child. I perceive that her appearance only makes you angry. If this is so, then it is time to get an intermediary. I agree with the previous posters that it is time to restore yourself. Once recovered, think of your future options.
Owl Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 OK...so you've passively sat there and taken this from her long enough. What are you going to DO about it? INSIST on what you need from her...or INSIST that it end, and take active measures on your own side (file for divorce) to end it. Stop giving her all the decision making power, all the responsibility for making change. You know what changes you want/need in order to continue on with her...INSIST on them, or if you decide she's never going to meet them move on and file for divorce. But stop letting her decide what's going on in YOUR life.
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