Bambi_84 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Started NC just a little over a week ago, broke it today. We broke up 8 months ago and he has been treating me so bad since, he has been lying and manipulating with my feelings, we slept together a few times and he ignored me afterward. He has been dating casually and having one nightstands while lying about it and stringing me along. He knows how much I have been through lately, my father died (we were not close, but still was devastating) a week before he broke up with me, I had to deal with a depression and have been hospitalized due to severe panic attacks. I just can't understand why he has been treating me so bad after all this??? Just as I was starting to feel a bit better he called and texted and wanted to be friends and told me he didn't want to loose me. Why did i let myself be manipulated?? What truly puzzles me is why I can't let him go after all he has put me through. I KNOW he is bad for me. I had a hard time going through NC this week, but I could feel a positive progression. Just had a weak moment today because I was cleaning out a shared closet with my roommate and found a lot of his stuff. I was hiding it there because I didn't wanted to be reminded of him. I wanted to throw it all away and asked my roomie if that was acceptable. she told me to text him if it was alright, but instead I called. he didn't reply and I called again a couple of hours later. Now i'm panicking, all thoughts going through my head if he is out dating or something and being totally paranoid about it. I feel so bad for giving him so much of my power. He truly doesn't want to talk to me and now I feel so ashamed because he has to missed calls from me. Please help, any advice appreciated.
wilsonx Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Bambi darling STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more. On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown. Now, delete his number, block him from facebook, and go NC and stick it hard
Buttercup84 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Ok Bambi , just start nc again . It's ok you broke it , we all have done it . I broke it again last night . Your ex is a selfish , inmature and emotionally crippled freak . I know that despite that it is hard to let go . You are right , don't give him power ! Block his number , fb , email etc . Get a new number . Think of the most important person : you ! I had a breakdown too , went to hospital etc . Seriously , anyone who puts us through that is scum . The man who loves you would never ever put you through that. Xxx
ConfusedT Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 i agree breakups are the hardest thing to do with because you cant instantly heal a broken heart. it feels like your life is completely over and your freakin heart was just ripped out of your chest and the longer you hold on to it and not let go, the more of an impact it will have on your entire world and life. I know 8 months is not crazy long, but it still is a very long time and instead of still concerning yourself with the mistakes you made, start focusing on the changes that you are planning on making and will make to improve yourself. forget about him, forget about all the good times, because the bad times consume the good. he is NOT a good person, he does NOT deserve you, you do NOT deserve to be treated like that and most of all, you deserve to be happy!! so be happy!
geegirl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) You teach people how to treat you. He's been lying, manipulating, dating and having one night stands and stringing you along. If you allow him to treat you badly, you have no one else to blame but yourself. He is showing you who he is. And you keep showing him it's okay by accepting him back into your life. Just because you have been through a hard time, you're expecting someone who lies and manipulates to have compassion for you. Why would you place such high expectations on someone like that? Stop expecting basic human decency from someone who has shown you time and time again that he does not have it within himself to care for you. You're wondering why he is treating you so badly? The answer is because he can and because you allow him. You can't let him go because you're emotionally attached to him, granted he may be a toxic, you love him. But it's not enough and neither is that love worth you keeping yourself involved with someone like him, who will never be able to provide you with a healthy R. You're afraid to be alone and you hold on even if it's bad for you. Getting out of a toxic R is very much more difficult than a healthy one. You're left with so many unresolved issues and by the time you leave, your self esteem has gone bust. You step out wondering which way is up. It's very difficult to detach but you will, if you give yourself a chance. You know that you're able to NC and reach a point where you are feeling positive. So it's achievable. It's all depends on whether you want to remove yourself and heal. If you're not ready, you will keep breaking NC and feeling bad and beating yourself up. Because I can promise you that he will not change nor will your situation change. He is who he is. If you feel bad giving him all this power, then don't. So what if you broke NC. It's done. A little stumble but you get up and move on. When you fall, don't stay fallen. Get up. Sometimes NC takes a couple of tries before it finally sticks. The question is, how many takes are you willing to go through before you get the picture? It's up to you if you want to detach and barrel through NC and find a way out of this negative situation. You know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You have seen it. It's all up to you. You either do that or you come back here over and over again asking why he treats you badly. Edited September 7, 2011 by geegirl
Author Bambi_84 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Thanks so much for your replies, its very helpful. geegirl, your message is very powerful (and a little harsh, but I forgive you;). You're absolutely right when you say 'you teach people how to treat you'. I let my feelings get the best of me, even though he has been treating me so awful I sometimes forget all tthose horrible things he has done or blame myself and make excuses for his actions. Sometimes I only remember the good times and I get so caught up I want to do anything to get him back. it's pathetic, I know. I need to let go of not only him, but also my weak, insecure, paranoid personality because that is not who I truly am. I'm so angry with myself, shame on him for being a jerk, but a million times shame on me for letting him treat me that way over and over again. Edited September 7, 2011 by Bambi_84
geegirl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) It's not pathetic Bambi. It's bad enough that he has put you down. You should not do that to yourself. It's only natural for you to feel this way. You love him and clearly still emotionally attached. It's normal to idealize and romanticize a partner, even if he was abusive and toxic. But all those "good times" were probably few and far between. We're so desperate and in complete denial that we hold on to them for dear life, brainwashing ourselves into believing it was great just to justify the need to keep them in our lives. You identify that you were once a strong woman. You can find it again. Your situation with him has broken you. And if you keep him in your life, he will strip you completely of who you really are. Fight Bambi. You acknowledge this is not right for you. If you know that, then do something about it. Get yourself back again. Don't be so hard on yourself. Get up and start your journey. Don't feel ashamed. We've all been through it. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to swim up. Don't give a rat's behind as to what he thinks of you or how he views you. How you view and think of yourself is now, of main importance. You are by far, a better person, and deserving of so much more than this emotionally empty shell of a man. Edited September 7, 2011 by geegirl
Treasa Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Eight months? If they aren't trying to get their stuff back well before then, you don't contact them, you just get rid of it. Your roommate's advice was incorrect. Stop trying to guess at what he's doing or what's going through his mind. Take his stuff to a dumpster, throw it in (or give it away), and then do something nice for yourself.
CopingGal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 i agree breakups are the hardest thing to do with because you cant instantly heal a broken heart. My ex jumped into a relationship 7 days later and completely opened up his life to a perfect stanger. Apparently there are some people that can get over a break up instantly. He did it twice with me. He's like that. I'm not. He's skipping through the tulips with this old woman he is dating. I'm just in pain.
CopingGal Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 You teach people how to treat you. He's been lying, manipulating, dating and having one night stands and stringing you along. If you allow him to treat you badly, you have no one else to blame but yourself. He is showing you who he is. And you keep showing him it's okay by accepting him back into your life. Just because you have been through a hard time, you're expecting someone who lies and manipulates to have compassion for you. Why would you place such high expectations on someone like that? Stop expecting basic human decency from someone who has shown you time and time again that he does not have it within himself to care for you. You're wondering why he is treating you so badly? The answer is because he can and because you allow him. You can't let him go because you're emotionally attached to him, granted he may be a toxic, you love him. But it's not enough and neither is that love worth you keeping yourself involved with someone like him, who will never be able to provide you with a healthy R. You're afraid to be alone and you hold on even if it's bad for you. Getting out of a toxic R is very much more difficult than a healthy one. You're left with so many unresolved issues and by the time you leave, your self esteem has gone bust. You step out wondering which way is up. It's very difficult to detach but you will, if you give yourself a chance. You know that you're able to NC and reach a point where you are feeling positive. So it's achievable. It's all depends on whether you want to remove yourself and heal. If you're not ready, you will keep breaking NC and feeling bad and beating yourself up. Because I can promise you that he will not change nor will your situation change. He is who he is. If you feel bad giving him all this power, then don't. So what if you broke NC. It's done. A little stumble but you get up and move on. When you fall, don't stay fallen. Get up. Sometimes NC takes a couple of tries before it finally sticks. The question is, how many takes are you willing to go through before you get the picture? It's up to you if you want to detach and barrel through NC and find a way out of this negative situation. You know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You have seen it. It's all up to you. You either do that or you come back here over and over again asking why he treats you badly. WOW! I wish I had read this before I broke NC today.
lalalandman Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 LOL the clown story, I don't get it. But it's hilarious.... You love him, and you want him to treat you well. Because you believe you deserve to be treated well. Because you do deserve it. SO move on from him, because he won't.
windmask Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 yea my new to this site i read ur post and i was like are you serious. like u guys broke up and yet u guys are still hanging around sleeping together. maybe am stupid or something but hes using you while he finds or hooks up with other girls. like Bambi u dont deserve this, m guessing he broke up with you and is still stringing u along. like u said ur going through so much because of the death in ur family u must be emotionally drained but stop letting him use u this way. am sorry theres only so much u can blame him because your a human being who can make her own decisions i suggest u start making some good ones now. get rid of this fu%ken user. like wut do u plan to do when hes done with u and finally finds a new permanent girl your going to be all alone then too. so dont worry make the right decision now get rid of this user and better yourself. good luck
Author Bambi_84 Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 ok he actually texted me the next day and told me that he wanted his stuff back. Later I called and we talked for almost an hour, mostly about good stuff. I wanted him to know that I was doing well, but I'm really not. That was 10 days ago and even though I have really good days now, mostly I feel so defeated by life. I'm so hurt and angry that the person I loved and trusted the most could treat me like that. I don't have the feeling of wanting him anymore, but I have so much anger and sadness in me and and it feels like I just want to give up. I wake up everyday filled with anxiety and most days I can't get out of bed, isolate myself all day and feel very lonely. I do get out sometimes with friends and we do have fun, but the feeling of being lead on and constantly rejected is so overwhelming that it breaks me down. I feel so useless, I feel like garbage, I'm so ashamed of myself. I want to forget him and get on with my life, but there are still so many things unresolved. He has been lying so much and I want to know the truth, I want to let him know how much he has hurt me. Should I break NC and tell him how much I'm still hurting?
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