Is It Ever Acceptable to Leave One Relationship For Another?

[carhill]

If an existing relationship/marriage has been unilaterally and without disclosure deprioritized to the extent that another person is being considered attractive and compatible enough to substitute, then the latter interaction has paralleled the primary LTR/M long enough to be considered inappropriate. No penises and vaginas have smashed into each other, but feelings and interactions have occurred, even if obscured, and the person in the LTR/M should own their part in that. Elements of this are seen in GIGS.

 

Is there a prison term or monetary fine for this behavior? Absolutely not, save for the potential financial consequences of divorce in a marital situation. It goes on all the time. Each person is responsible for their choices and the consequences. Is it acceptable? I guess asking one's partner or spouse is a good place to start.

[TrueColors]

If an existing relationship/marriage has been unilaterally and without disclosure deprioritized to the extent that another person is being considered attractive and compatible enough to substitute, then the latter interaction has paralleled the primary LTR/M long enough to be considered inappropriate. No penises and vaginas have smashed into each other, but feelings and interactions have occurred, even if obscured, and the person in the LTR/M should own their part in that. Elements of this are seen in GIGS.

 

Is there a prison term or monetary fine for this behavior? Absolutely not, save for the potential financial consequences of divorce in a marital situation. It goes on all the time. Each person is responsible for their choices and the consequences. Is it acceptable? I guess asking one's partner or spouse is a good place to start.

 

Carhill has his finger right on it.

 

Attraction to others isn't so much the issue here, rather, taking the responsibility for your part in the dying relationship. And I fail to see how one can do this when they choose to pursue another relationship straightaway. Typical avoidant behavior.

 

I would suggest a lack of introspection on the partner who chooses to replace their current partner with an "upgrade". Why was the relationship left to "die" in the first place? Does this partner accept some responsibility for the downturn in the relationship? Do they harbor any guilt/resentment/blame for their previous choice in partner? What makes them think the 'replacement' will be any 'better' - simply because the offer looks more attractive to them? GIGS as Carhill pointed out.

 

I would argue that it would be extremely naive of the partner who decides to leave to think that they can be a healthy partner with their 'replacement' without first taking some time out to resolve any underlying issues from their previous relationship/with themselves. Those that truly believe they have none are simply fooling themselves. I've seen enough evidence of this from my own experience (even without using someone else) and observation of my friends' dating habits.

Edited September 22, 2011 by TrueColors

[123321]

Those that truly believe they have none are simply fooling themselves. I've seen enough evidence of this from my own experience (even without using someone else) and observation of my friends' dating habits.

 

Ah good well hope you figure it out eventually.

[fuzzbella]

What really gets to me about these people that do the relationship jumping, waiting till something better comes along.

 

Is how they say - I didnt leave sooner because i didnt wanna hurt you - I just think can they give you anymore BS than that one line? I think its more down to they are selffish and if they could they would have you and that other person they have there eye on atm.

 

What you'll find is that these people who do the relationship jumping will never be happy, because they arnt happy with who they are, so they use other people to make them feel good.

 

Well thats just my opinion anyway .

[FinOuch]

What really gets to me about these people that do the relationship jumping, waiting till something better comes along.

 

Is how they say - I didnt leave sooner because i didnt wanna hurt you - I just think can they give you anymore BS than that one line? I think its more down to they are selffish and if they could they would have you and that other person they have there eye on atm.

 

What you'll find is that these people who do the relationship jumping will never be happy, because they arnt happy with who they are, so they use other people to make them feel good.

 

Well thats just my opinion anyway .

 

I think this pretty much hits the nail on the head.

Now the real question is how do you identify and avoid those people. It seems to me those type of people have a way of "faking" confidence and happiness.

[carhill]

Now the real question is how do you identify and avoid those people. It seems to me those type of people have a way of "faking" confidence and happiness.

 

No panacea, but I've found looking at FOO (family of origin) as well as 'alone time' between relationships has relevance. IME, all of the data points I've experienced have, by their own admission, had substantial issues in their FOO as well as have a difficult time being alone (their words). These nuances can be harbingers for other relationship incompatibilities far beyond different relationship styles of 'jumping' or not.

 

An example of compatibility under the above circumstances might be someone who has chosen to pursue self-examination and/or professional counseling for their FOO issues and whom has demonstrated the willingness and history of being alone and working on themselves, even though they 'feel' the tug of that solitude feeling 'wrong' and needing the 'fix' of another human. Clear actions and words which match. That's one example of a myriad which would send me positive signals.

 

IME, most folks who relationship-jump don't really care about what is acceptable, rather care about how they feel within themselves. It's valid, for them. All other considerations are secondary.

[TrueColors]

Ah good well hope you figure it out eventually.

 

Thanks. I always knew to some extent, but it wasn't until the end of my last relationship when it hit me that there's no more running from my unresolved issues - to make someone else a part of that is really unfair.

 

I've been over a year out of the dating scene, while the ex started seeing one of his friends soon after (hence what prompted this thread).

 

What really gets to me about these people that do the relationship jumping, waiting till something better comes along.

 

Is how they say - I didnt leave sooner because i didnt wanna hurt you - I just think can they give you anymore BS than that one line?

 

Lol. Right?! And I would say a cliched add-on to that attitude is "But I still want us to be friends"!

 

What you'll find is that these people who do the relationship jumping will never be happy, because they arnt happy with who they are, so they use other people to make them feel good.

 

Yep, they just don't want to have to face dealing with the issues and responsibilities of actually being in a REAL relationship that can have problems!

 

I think its more down to they are selffish and if they could they would have you and that other person they have there eye on atm.

 

TBH, everyone's selfish to some extent, but it's the ones that don't think there's anything "wrong" with relationship-hopping (because, technically, it's not "cheating", except it is: with themselves). As Carhill described:

 

IME, most folks who relationship-jump don't really care about what is acceptable, rather care about how they feel within themselves. It's valid, for them. All other considerations are secondary.

Edited September 26, 2011 by TrueColors

[TrueColors]

I've found looking at FOO (family of origin) as well as 'alone time' between relationships has relevance. IME, all of the data points I've experienced have, by their own admission, had substantial issues in their FOO as well as have a difficult time being alone (their words). These nuances can be harbingers for other relationship incompatibilities far beyond different relationship styles of 'jumping' or not.

 

I think understanding and awareness of one's upbringing and their surroundings growing up is crucial to how one views a "healthy" relationship. Gosh, if eveyone could understand just how much of a (subconscious) part this plays out in one's current relationship habits - well, there'd be a lot less posts concerning break-ups and divorces on LS, that's for sure.

[Luckless]

I did this almost two years ago. I was seeing a man for approx. 9 months. It was the only relationship I had that it never progressed into anything else. Now, before we starting dating we knew one another, and had been friends, for at least 15yrs. We would see each other maybe twice a week. He wouldn't kiss me, we rarely had sex. We were literally better friends than anything else.

 

I started to grow tired of the whole thing. I was waiting for the right time to tell him I was going to stop seeing him, but before you know the holidays and his birthday approached. I didn't want to leave him miserable for the holidays/bday so I stuck it out for another two months. During this time I met someone. I felt a connection, something I thought could maybe turn into something more so I stopped seeing the first guy, and pretty much jumped into a new relationship within a week or so.

 

But I'm still friends w/ the original guy. We really are better off as friends!

[TrueColors]

Now, before we starting dating we knew one another, and had been friends, for at least 15yrs. We would see each other maybe twice a week. He wouldn't kiss me, we rarely had sex. We were literally better friends than anything else.

 

15 years of being "just friends" - what made you decide to make it into a romantic relationship?

 

From what you've described this sounds more like a friends-with-benefits situation.

 

I didn't want to leave him miserable for the holidays/bday so I stuck it out for another two months.

 

This is what I don't get: since when did society tell us we were responsible for other people's feelings?

 

Yeah, sure, I'd consider it insensitive if you were to dump someone ON their birthday,anniversary, etc.

 

But frankly there is no 'right time' - pretty much the nearest one would ever get to the 'right time' is as soon as they are sure that they do not want to continue the relationship (after of course, asking themselves why they want to leave).

 

During this time I met someone. I felt a connection, something I thought could maybe turn into something more so I stopped seeing the first guy, and pretty much jumped into a new relationship within a week or so.

 

If this "new connection" hadn't been established with someone else, would you have had the guts to leave or would you have waited for another x amount of time until you had found another reason (aka "someone else") to leave?

 

And the big questions... Did this new relationship last? Are you still together?

Edited October 1, 2011 by TrueColors

[123321]

Thanks. I always knew to some extent, but it wasn't until the end of my last relationship when it hit me that there's no more running from my unresolved issues - to make someone else a part of that is really unfair.

 

I've been over a year out of the dating scene, while the ex started seeing one of his friends soon after (hence what prompted this thread).

 

So because you have issues he should wait how long before dating someone else after ending it with you?

[TrueColors]

So because you have issues he should wait how long before dating someone else after ending it with you?

 

Ah yes, that WOULD be the easy argument, wouldn't it?

 

Though I will play along and say, however long it takes him to figure out his issues aren't to do with the partners themselves but his choices of the types he goes for; why he finds it hard to be honest with himself, his intentions and goals and ask for what he wants as well as sharing this information with his partners. (In other words, not in 3 months!)

 

Seriously, in over a year of therapy, I've come to examine BOTH the parts myself and the ex played. And if we had stayed together, I wouldn't have learnt the things I have now. I believe I am all the more healthier for doing so and it was my personal choice to stay away from getting involved with someone else.

 

What about him? Well, it's his life. His choice to leave and pursue another. Yes, I don't agree with that decision and I'm admitting so! Having been with him for 5 years, I can't see how he could resolve his issues in the short time it took him to end up being with someone else - who happened to be on his social radar already. I even met his current girlfriend while we were together!

 

Did he cheat on me? It's questionable. I can't say for sure, that's why I've focussed on the using someone else to move on line of thinking. I would suspect that he at the very least was starting to develop feelings for this girl and decided to use this as an opportunity to leave. I don't know - he never did say, even though his reasons for leaving were wishy-washy at best. None of them made much sense and seemed to absolve him from his responsibility in the relationship.

 

And if he was cheating - well, just emphasises my point about lack of responsibility all the more and using others' as a source of happiness: the instant gratification factor - instead of actually sitting down and resolving relationship issues (e.g. expectations, intentions, goals, communication, not personal ones which we both should have resolved first), like 2 grown adults in a mature relationship.

 

What about you, 123321? How do you view the topic of responsibility in relationships: have you examined your own to that extent? Have you been the one to pursue others as an excuse to leave a current relationship?

 

So far, I've seen you comment and criticise on others' situations and views (mostly my own ) though not actually offering anything substantial about your own relationship history...

Edited October 1, 2011 by TrueColors

[123321]

What about you, 123321? How do you view the topic of responsibility in relationships: have you examined your own to that extent? Have you been the one to pursue others as an excuse to leave a current relationship?

 

So far, I've seen you comment and criticise on others' situations and views (mostly my own ) though not actually offering anything substantial about your own relationship history...

 

I believe every person is responsible for their own happiness and the sooner one stops blaming others the better for everyone involved. I'm happy right now and the woman sitting a few feet away seems happy too.

 

Life is good.

[ffw]

Sometimes people, like my ex, needs someone standing by their side to get them courage to breakup the relationship.

[TrueColors]

I believe every person is responsible for their own happiness and the sooner one stops blaming others the better for everyone involved.

 

Agree.

 

I'm happy right now and the woman sitting a few feet away seems happy too.

 

Life is good.

 

Do you think it is BECAUSE of this woman in your life that life is good and you are happy?

 

In other words, would your life have been just as happy without her in it?

 

And of my previous 2 questions (which you have avoided answering):

 

• Have you examined your own previous relationships to examine the role you played in them?
  
• Have you been one to pursue others as an excuse to leave a current relationship (as in the example below)?
  

Sometimes people, like my ex, needs someone standing by their side to get them courage to breakup the relationship.

 

ffw - yes, this does seem to be the "norm" in most cases.

Edited October 3, 2011 by TrueColors