Jump to content

Is It Ever Acceptable to Leave One Relationship For Another?


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

I have never been someone who has left a relationship because I met someone more attractive to me (either physically or emotionally).

 

Sure, it's not like I haven't thought about being with someone else while in a relationship. But I've since realized that this 'fantasy' was because of commitment issues I've had.

 

And it's not like I've never left anyone before: it's just that I've left them of my own accord; mainly due to insecurities about myself and being able to be in a relationship. I did not use someone else as a buffer.

 

So I'm curious to know why people wait for a 'better offer' before leaving? To me, it's like treating a relationship like a job: most people wouldn't leave one before having another job lined up because of the financial implications. But in relationships, the emotional implications are much greater. Even if you were to justify leaving because the current relationship was dead (in your eyes), is it fair to either one of you to have someone lined up to cushion your fall? If the relationship is dead, why not just leave when it has?

 

Your thoughts?

Edited by TrueColors
Posted
I have never been someone who has left a relationship because I met someone more attractive to me (either physically or emotionally).

 

Sure, it's not like I haven't thought about being with someone else while in a relationship. But I've since realized that this 'fantasy' was because of commitment issues I've had.

 

And it's not like I've never left anyone before: it's just that I've left them of my own accord; mainly due to insecurities about myself and being able to be in a relationship. I did not use someone else as a buffer.

 

So I'm curious to know why people wait for a 'better offer' before leaving? To me, it's like treating a relationship like a job: most people wouldn't leave one before having another job lined up because of the financial implications. But in relationships, the emotional implications are much greater. Even if you were to justify leaving because the current relationship was dead (in your eyes), is it fair to either one of you to have someone lined up to cushion your fall? If the relationship is dead, why not just leave when it has?

 

Your thoughts?

 

I am guilty of doing this and i think you're totally right.

 

i can only speak for myself but at the time it was like I knew I wasnt happy but i didnt know if it was me or my relationship which was making me unhappy.

I was kind of in denial, i knew it would all come to a head and it was when I was going through this that I met someone else.

 

Sometime we dont realise (denial) how unhappy we are until we meet someone new and they make us realise it doesnt have to be that way.

 

Of course the sensible thing to do is break off previous relationship straight away (which I did) but not start a new relationship with anyone else until you had got over the previous one (which I didnt do)

 

I really wish I had given myself some time in between relationships because I dont think you can give yourself fully to someone while you are still getting over the past.

It wasnt ideal at all and if i could go back I would have done things differently

Posted

I have never left a GF for someone else. To me, and this is my personal opinion, its the same thing as cheating. You are leading them on with the hope that all is good while you look for someone else.

 

My last ex did that to me, and even a year later, I am still messed up because of it and she refuses to take any responsibility, she even refuses to tell me the truth.

  • Author
Posted
Sometime we dont realise (denial) how unhappy we are until we meet someone new and they make us realise it doesnt have to be that way.

 

I hear you TBH.

 

However, is this just evidence that we are just using each person to "make" us happy? That our personal happiness only comes from being in a relationship (ideally with the "right" person)?

 

I really wish I had given myself some time in between relationships because I dont think you can give yourself fully to someone while you are still getting over the past.

It wasnt ideal at all and if i could go back I would have done things differently

 

Yes, I've been guilty of this: of not actually resolving my issues while out of a relationship. Unfortunately, it only meant that I dragged them into the next one.

 

So while I think it's appropriate to spend time away from being in a relationship, I believe it's what you do during that time that makes you a better person - and hopefully enter into a more suitable relationship.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
I have never left a GF for someone else. To me, and this is my personal opinion, its the same thing as cheating. You are leading them on with the hope that all is good while you look for someone else.

 

Exactly my train of thought, collegeguy.

 

Especially those that tell you or lead you on to believe that they want to build a future with you.

 

My last ex did that to me, and even a year later, I am still messed up because of it and she refuses to take any responsibility, she even refuses to tell me the truth.

 

Yes, same here. That's it: responsibility - or lack of it. And the emotional mess it leaves...is it really worth it?

 

But I do now realise that it's my responsibility to create my own happiness and leave them to stew in their own denial.

Edited by TrueColors
Posted

I guess sometimes people are just scared to be on their own and even though they are not happy in a relationship they don't wanna leave till they find someone better.

I've never done it myself but I can see how people (especially woman) can get swept away by "prince charming who has come to rescue them and they will finally get happily ever after thing". After all, haven't we all grown up with those fairy tales? But the reality is - it never works. So they get unhappy with that person and then they wait for the next prince charming and the next...And all along, they have actually been unhappy with themselves and there is no prince charming that can fix that. Ever!

Posted

Sure it's OK; marriage is the real commitment, if there's no ring, it's just a temporary thing anyway.

Posted
Sure it's OK; marriage is the real commitment, if there's no ring, it's just a temporary thing anyway.

 

Hmmm....So if you are in a relationship with someone for 5-6 years but not married, it's not a commitment?

"Ring" is not the most important thing.

  • Author
Posted
I guess sometimes people are just scared to be on their own and even though they are not happy in a relationship they don't wanna leave till they find someone better.

 

I agree.

 

And it's these types that are actually the ones that should stay away from relationoships.

Posted
I agree.

 

And it's these types that are actually the ones that should stay away from relationoships.

 

Exactly my point. You can't be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself. You can keep running from one relationship to the next and it's always gonna be the same, just different face and different name.

  • Author
Posted
Sure it's OK; marriage is the real commitment, if there's no ring, it's just a temporary thing anyway.

 

I would agree with this if the 2 parties were mutually consenting to a temporary state (e.g. both agreed to have a FWB).

 

But I'm wondering how many people - inc. 123321 - are upfront about their intentions ("sorry baby, you're just a time filler until I find someone better")?

 

That's it: responsibility - or lack of it. And the emotional mess it leaves...is it really worth it?

 

I guess 123321, just proves my point then...

 

I believe relationships are the training ground for commitment. If one can't be committed to stay faithful and honest to someone without a ring, what makes them think that marriage is going to change that? Just because the stakes are higher? BS!

 

And just to clarify, the thread is specifically about leaving one relationship for another relationship - not just leaving a relationship altogether.

Posted
And just to clarify, the thread is specifically about leaving one relationship for another relationship - not just leaving a relationship altogether.

 

This morning I told my GF how much I loved her and how I hoped things continued to work out between us, if you're sure things are going to work out you should get married, if you're not then it's obvious the relationship may or may not last.

 

The word relationship is so abused here; I'm in relationships with hundreds of people at the moment and each and every one of those relationships is a dynamic and changing thing. The one I have with my current GF is a specific case, but if we decide we're not "together" any more then there are obviously hundreds of other relationships I have, as does any healthy person.

 

The concept of "leaving for" some other alien relationship is ludicrous, it's based on some sort of sick ownership mentality. Of course I will have other relationships before, during, and if it ends, immediately after. My ex-wife and I still communicate civilly and regularly as well. Change is part of life.

 

If your GF left you in the past get over it for crap sake and move on. Life is short, live it.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

The word relationship is so abused here; I'm in relationships with hundreds of people at the moment and each and every one of those relationships is a dynamic and changing thing.

 

Ok, to be pedantic, I am specifically focussing on boyfriend/girlfriend relations; a partner, lover, "other half" or however you wish to express it. Not famillial, platonic, or acquaintance relations.

 

The concept of "leaving for" some other alien relationship is ludicrous, it's based on some sort of sick ownership mentality. Of course I will have other relationships before, during, and if it ends, immediately after. My ex-wife and I still communicate civilly and regularly as well. Change is part of life.

 

I wouldn't put the bolded part in such a blunt way, but yes, I would agree that the idea of "ownership"/ "leaving for" (I guess for lack of a better term) is as ludicrous as the concepts of "better than" or "fairy-tale", "perfect", "the one", etc.

 

However, I feel you are missing the point of my thread here: I asked specifically why there are those who choose to leave their "dead", "dying" "unsuitable", "incompatible" (or whatever adjective you want to insert) relationship only when they gain interest or the interest of someone who (they believe) is "better" for them (reference to the idea above).

 

Of course I'm not suggesting that one should stay in an incompatible relationship for the sake of being committed or monogamous. Like I said in my OP, I've left a couple of my own - but not due to interest in someone else.

 

 

If your GF left you in the past get over it for crap sake and move on. Life is short, live it.

 

Don't know if you are specifically aiming this comment at me, but I am, in fact, a woman.

 

Have no idea where the harsh tone of your post is coming from either.

Edited by TrueColors
Posted
I hear you TBH.

 

However, is this just evidence that we are just using each person to "make" us happy? That our personal happiness only comes from being in a relationship (ideally with the "right" person)?

 

i think especially when we're young people do tend to think this way about relationships. maybe its because we dont fully mature emotionally until we have been through our first relationships.

also the notion that the right person will make you whole, (that we are not complete without the 'one) kind of indicates to an immature mind that we shouldnt feel whole until we meet the right person, and therefore its OK to be unhappy because the right person will make everything better!

 

 

Yes, I've been guilty of this: of not actually resolving my issues while out of a relationship. Unfortunately, it only meant that I dragged them into the next one.

 

So while I think it's appropriate to spend time away from being in a relationship, I believe it's what you do during that time that makes you a better person - and hopefully enter into a more suitable relationship.

 

i agree :)

Posted
However, I feel you are missing the point of my thread here: I asked specifically why there are those who choose to leave their "dead", "dying" "unsuitable", "incompatible" (or whatever adjective you want to insert) relationship only when they gain interest or the interest of someone who (they believe) is "better" for them (reference to the idea above).

 

"I have never been someone who has left a relationship because I met someone more attractive to me "

 

So which is it?

 

Are you discussing someone who seeks a new partner due to unhappiness in the present relationship and bails when that's accomplished, or someone who bails when they meet someone better? In one case the cause is unhappiness in the relationship and in the other it's seeing a better option.

 

Which scenario are you discussing? You seem to switch back and forth.

Posted

I don't think people leave a happy relationship when something "better comes along". There is nothing better out there if you are happy with your partner.

If you leave someone for another person, you were not happy in the first place.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Are you discussing someone who seeks a new partner due to unhappiness in the present relationship and bails when that's accomplished, or someone who bails when they meet someone better? In one case the cause is unhappiness in the relationship and in the other it's seeing a better option.

 

Which scenario are you discussing?

 

I would think these 2 scenarios are variations on the same theme.

 

The common denominator being that of bailing a current relationship for someone else (the "better option").

 

Whether the "bailer" is unhappy with the relationship, themeselves or both, is irrelevent (to them). All they care about is that they've met a more desirable option than the one they are with. Just like the job analogy I mentioned in my OP.

(And the reason I pointed out my own situation was to highlight the fact that, regardless of whether I was unhappy with a partner or with myself (largely the latter), I haven't bailed on a relationship due to having met someone else (aka the "better option"): I left with no other love prospects lined up).

So yes, both the scenarios you have pointed out, I would consider as being relevant to the thread topic.

Edited by TrueColors
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I don't think people leave a happy relationship when something "better comes along". There is nothing better out there if you are happy with your partner.

If you leave someone for another person, you were not happy in the first place.

 

I agree completely.

 

And I would tend to think that those who "were not happy in the first place" are the ones basing their personal happiness around their partner/relationships.

Edited by TrueColors
Posted

 

And I would tend to think that those who "were not happy in the first place" are the ones basing their personal happiness around their partner/relationships.

 

That's not always a case. I was not happy in my marriage and I left (not because of another person) because he WAS making me unhappy. I was a happy person when I wasn't around him cause I could be me. With him around things were different. He was very controlling and after 13 years of marriage (15 years together) I left.

Posted
Whether the "bailer" is unhappy with the relationship, themeselves or both, is irrelevent (to them). All they care about is that they've met a more desirable option than the one they are with.

 

 

I haven't bailed on a relationship due to having met someone else (aka the "better option"): I left with no other love prospects lined up).

 

 

"I don't think people leave a happy relationship when something "better comes along". There is nothing better out there if you are happy with your partner.

If you leave someone for another person, you were not happy in the first place."

I agree completely.

 

And I would tend to think that those who "were not happy in the first place" are the ones basing their personal happiness around their partner/relationships.

 

 

Again you state two opposing views in two consecutive posts.

 

Please decide what you believe and then we can discuss it.

Posted

I heard again this weekend the phrase I've come to expect from a marked subset of the women I've known in life, to wit: 'I can't be alone'. It's a simple statement. This particular data point has been married 23 years. She couldn't fathom how I could be alone and celibate for a couple years after splitting up with my exW. It doesn't register. It apparently didn't register for my exW either, moving on to a live-in BF before we were divorced. On and on, dozens of data points. So, for those people, it is apparently not only acceptable but imperative. Will they be 'punished' or 'rewarded' for their behavior? Unknown. Seems like they're all doing pretty well moving from one relationship/marriage to another. Can't argue with success :)

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Again you state two opposing views in two consecutive posts.

 

I think where you may be getting confused is on the reasoning behind leaving a relationship. This is not what my thread is asking - although I do accept that it (state of unhappiness) IS a major factor in a relationship breakdown, hence why several posts have touched on it (and I have responded appropriately).

 

To answer the thread title: Is it acceptable to leave another relationship for someone else? Then I would state "no".

 

Why?

 

If one believes that their current relationship is dead, then I would have thought that the responsible thing to do would be to (discuss it first with the partner) and leave first without having anyone else lined up to cushion the blow.

 

(To clarify further, I'm not talking about outright cheating (as in physically and emotionally engaging with a 3rd party while still in a relationship with the current partner) - but just having someone in your line of vision that looks desirable enough for you to want to pursue a relationship with them).

 

Please decide what you believe and then we can discuss it.

 

Explained in the paragraph above.

 

Various other posters here seem to understand what I am saying. I do not understand why you do not?

 

Please clarify what exactly you are "confused" about in this thread?

 

I have offered one suggestion at the start of this post, but perhaps it would be best for you to explain further?

Edited by TrueColors
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I heard again this weekend the phrase I've come to expect from a marked subset of the women I've known in life, to wit: 'I can't be alone'. It's a simple statement.This particular data point has been married 23 years. She couldn't fathom how I could be alone and celibate for a couple years after splitting up with my exW. It doesn't register. It apparently didn't register for my exW either, moving on to a live-in BF before we were divorced. On and on, dozens of data points. So, for those people, it is apparently not only acceptable but imperative.

 

Yes, I've gotten those looks too!

 

Will they be 'punished' or 'rewarded' for their behavior? Unknown. Seems like they're all doing pretty well moving from one relationship/marriage to another. Can't argue with success :)

 

To each their own, I guess. But not for me. After a 3rd failed relationship (this time the ex left me), it doesn't get any easier. I knew this time I'd have to figure out where I'm going wrong.

Edited by TrueColors
  • Author
Posted (edited)
That's not always a case. I was not happy in my marriage and I left (not because of another person) because he WAS making me unhappy.

 

Thanks for clarifying, MrsNoMo.

 

This is a prime example of the point I'm trying to make.

 

Because you left an undesirable situation of your own accord. You didn't wait for a 3rd party to act as a catalyst for your leaving.

 

Some people would have waited for someone else of interest to show up (whether they were actively seeking or not), to fuel their desire to leave (i.e. they couldn't leave without having someone else to pursue). This is what I don't agree with - and the discussion I'm basing my thread on.

Edited by TrueColors
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
To clarify further, I'm not talking about outright cheating (as in physically and emotionally engaging with a 3rd party while still in a relationship with the current partner) - but just having someone in your line of vision that looks desirable enough for you to want to pursue a relationship with them

 

So basically if I or whoever happens to know someone who is attractive to us, we should sever all ties with them before tying off a dying relationship? That seems like a silly requirement.

 

 

 

 

Various other posters here seem to understand what I am saying. I do not understand why you do not?

 

Lack of concern for details and/or lack of critical thinking ability is not the same as understanding.

×
×
  • Create New...