wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Well, I told you so. I told you that this NC had been full of emotions, and I had been doing so well, and that I would probably have one of "those days". And sure enough, one of those days has just started. I can't allow myself to slip into the depression that I have been in the past. I can not go back there. Here is what hit me: ( and I know I will get a million posts on what an ass he is, and he is, but never the less, my feelings are hurt, so bare with me.) I was "talking" on this forum to another member, someone I have grown to consider my friend. She has had such a rough patch. Where as I have been doing well. When I heard that her xMM had talked to her and told her that he loved her and basically how it wasn't going to work, it hit me. You know after all this time, 10 years of my life, I have given this man everything. I have been his best friend, his support in every way, his therapist, I have literally broken my back to help this man. And I enjoyed doing it. I enjoy helping others, it makes me feel good. Its what and how I was programmed from being a little girl. So after all of this, this ass can't even have given me the respect to say good bye, or i'm sorry. I got nothing, not a kiss my ass, nada. WTF? I am not trying to be holier than tho here, but come on. I have been really good to this man, and I have always treated him as long as anyone else in my life with the upmost respect.... hell, I treat people with more respect that I barely know, than he has given to me. Let alone someone I claim to "love more than anything". Which is bull ****, I know. I have been such a fool. And that hurts too. That I could be so foolish, to get myself into this position. Funny thing is, if you met me, you would never know it. I seem so put together. Wow, can't looks be decieving???!!!! Sorry, to vent, but I needed to. And don't worry, I will not break the NC. I'm not going to call him to get an apology and give me a goodbye. That to me would be meaningless. It would be the same as me shoving my hand up his ass and making him speak like a puppet. I've got an idea of some other things I would certainly love to shove up his ass tho. Thx for listening. And thank you all for being so supportive. This forum has helped me so much. I really feel like you all have really saved my life, and I am forever grateful to you for that!!!
TurningTables Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hiya Wanna. I am sorry youre hurting. I have a question for you though. Is this the first time you have tried NC? How long has it been? The reason Im asking is because if this isnt the first time youve tried it, and then came running back to him, he is waiting. I can assure you this. He is waiting for you to crack....... ((HUGS)) TT
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Hiya Wanna. I am sorry youre hurting. I have a question for you though. Is this the first time you have tried NC? How long has it been? The reason Im asking is because if this isnt the first time youve tried it, and then came running back to him, he is waiting. I can assure you this. He is waiting for you to crack....... ((HUGS)) TT No, this isn't my first or my second, or even my tenth. Unfortunately. Every time Dday comes and W finds out, he stops talking to me. I never try to call him or anything. I've always felt like if thats what he wants, I will give it to him. But, this is the first time i've ever said, I don't want to talk to you again. Which accidently wasn't started as I meant it, more in just to get him to realize I meant business. That back fired, or so I felt at first, then I realized it was best for me to continue the NC. But no, not the first. So your saying no good bye, since its not good bye for him?
Author wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 No, this isn't my first or my second, or even my tenth. Unfortunately. Every time Dday comes and W finds out, he stops talking to me. I never try to call him or anything. I've always felt like if thats what he wants, I will give it to him. But, this is the first time i've ever said, I don't want to talk to you again. Which accidently wasn't started as I meant it, more in just to get him to realize I meant business. That back fired, or so I felt at first, then I realized it was best for me to continue the NC. But no, not the first. So your saying no good bye, since its not good bye for him? I guess it seems so bad this time, because I know its really good bye and this is over.
TurningTables Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 No, this isn't my first or my second, or even my tenth. Unfortunately. Every time Dday comes and W finds out, he stops talking to me. I never try to call him or anything. I've always felt like if thats what he wants, I will give it to him. But, this is the first time i've ever said, I don't want to talk to you again. Which accidently wasn't started as I meant it, more in just to get him to realize I meant business. That back fired, or so I felt at first, then I realized it was best for me to continue the NC. But no, not the first. So your saying no good bye, since its not good bye for him? I think its a good idea that you stay in NC. If you write to him and say goodbye, it opens that door for him to write you back..and then history repeats itself all over again. I had similiar thoughts that you have written about in the above post. You are worth so much more than that. If you have gone through muiltple ddays, and he hasent left her yet, you know in your heart of hearts that he isnt leaving. Its up to you how you wanna lead your life, but I think you are wasting your precious time and energy on him. It sucks that youve given everything to him and in return, you feel you got the short end of the stick. It hurts. Like SIT said, you will have your good and bad days. At the end of the day, before you go to bed, think to yourself, Wow! I got through another day of not contacting him! I know I can do it another day. Soon, you will stop counting and you will have moved on. It takes awhile.
TigerCub Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hey wannab, you should start a new thread titled "Recommendations of things to shove up xMM's ass" I'll contribute a few suggestions No, this isn't my first or my second, or even my tenth. Unfortunately. Every time Dday comes and W finds out, he stops talking to me. I never try to call him or anything. I've always felt like if thats what he wants, I will give it to him. It is possible that he's doing what he's doing because you've done the same (as shown in the statement in bold) however, it is more likely that... But no, not the first. So your saying no good bye, since its not good bye for him? this part in bold is true. There is also another possibility that maybe he simply doesn't know what to say. He can't promise you anything, well he can, but he can't deliver on it. He can't say he's sorry because he doesn't think anything he did was wrong, or he simply can't admit fault. And lets not forget, most cheaters are conflict avoiders and simply can't communicate well - so that could also be a big reason he's not saying anything to you now. Whatever his reasons may be, it doesn't mean that he didn't care for you, but HIS way of caring for someone differs greatly from what most people consider caring. I completely understand your questioning and your hurt - that's normal. You will get past it, and before you do for sure, you will have more days like this, until you've finally moved on. Its normal and we'll help you get through it.
half_ofa_heart Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Well, I told you so. I told you that this NC had been full of emotions, and I had been doing so well, and that I would probably have one of "those days". And sure enough, one of those days has just started. I can't allow myself to slip into the depression that I have been in the past. I can not go back there. Here is what hit me: ( and I know I will get a million posts on what an ass he is, and he is, but never the less, my feelings are hurt, so bare with me.) I was "talking" on this forum to another member, someone I have grown to consider my friend. She has had such a rough patch. Where as I have been doing well. When I heard that her xMM had talked to her and told her that he loved her and basically how it wasn't going to work, it hit me. You know after all this time, 10 years of my life, I have given this man everything. I have been his best friend, his support in every way, his therapist, I have literally broken my back to help this man. And I enjoyed doing it. I enjoy helping others, it makes me feel good. Its what and how I was programmed from being a little girl. So after all of this, this ass can't even have given me the respect to say good bye, or i'm sorry. I got nothing, not a kiss my ass, nada. WTF? I am not trying to be holier than tho here, but come on. I have been really good to this man, and I have always treated him as long as anyone else in my life with the upmost respect.... hell, I treat people with more respect that I barely know, than he has given to me. Let alone someone I claim to "love more than anything". Which is bull ****, I know. I have been such a fool. And that hurts too. That I could be so foolish, to get myself into this position. Funny thing is, if you met me, you would never know it. I seem so put together. Wow, can't looks be decieving???!!!! Sorry, to vent, but I needed to. And don't worry, I will not break the NC. I'm not going to call him to get an apology and give me a goodbye. That to me would be meaningless. It would be the same as me shoving my hand up his ass and making him speak like a puppet. I've got an idea of some other things I would certainly love to shove up his ass tho. Thx for listening. And thank you all for being so supportive. This forum has helped me so much. I really feel like you all have really saved my life, and I am forever grateful to you for that!!! I am so very sorry that you're goin thru this! Like I mentioned in my thread, I don't know which way is worse but the fact of the matter is either way, we MUST grieve the loss and move on. One thing I did that actually helped me get thru the first few days of pain was writing him letters that I never sent. I wrote them as if I was speaking to him and it helped get all my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I did this for about a week and it really helped me realize that our relationship was doomed from the beginning and NOTHING... NOTHING I did or could have done would ever change that. You and I seem alike in that we love helping others and in most instances think we can make everything better. But as I've gotten older, I have realized that I can make things better - but only those things I have control over and MM's marriage isn't one of them! the only thing you have control over is YOU and YOUR happiness so get to it and start gettin happy! I know, easier said than done. I'm living proof. But, just like anything you put your mind to, you know that the outcome MUSt be better than living a lie. Write to him (don't send it), write to yourself. Someone in my thread mentioned something about writing letters of grief as in when someone close to you dies. They gave examples and although I haven't done it yet, I'm going to. You should do the same. Hugs to you my friend... you will get thru this because that's just who you are. Heart
Silly_Girl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I know it's kinda trite but I have a personal theory that for each 'bad time' we go through, when healing, there's a finite number of rough days. And though the buggers will never come in a long row so you can get them out of the way , I think each one is one less you have to face in the future. Tomorrow will be better.
MissBee Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 These bad days are inevitable. One good thing about them is that they bring to light some of the things we didn't see before. The realizations. They help you define better what you want in the future. It's not just in A's either. My first marriage was ten years. I stayed about nine years too long . It's not worth beating yourself up over...just take it as a learning experience. Learn something about yourself to avoid repeating the behavior. That's the key. I agree wholeheartedly. Some days things are just going to seem so unfair and you're going to want to dissolve in a puddle of hurt/disappointment/anger/feelings of rejection but the realizations you arrive at, once you work through these emotions, are priceless! Eventually you'll come to some peace and acceptance about how and why things played out the way they did.
ladydesigner Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I agree wholeheartedly. Some days things are just going to seem so unfair and you're going to want to dissolve in a puddle of hurt/disappointment/anger/feelings of rejection but the realizations you arrive at, once you work through these emotions, are priceless! Eventually you'll come to some peace and acceptance about how and why things played out the way they did. So true to the bold! It hurts like heck while you go through it, but eventually you come out to the other side just fine. I would say even better;) Hang in there!
Gentlegirl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 WBD.. 10 years is a long period of time to be in an A. The longer you are there, the more difficult it is to get out and the more it hurts.... just like any other relationhip. He is obviously following the pattern re NC established in your A. xMM hated NC would leave me alone for a while then come back at me with a concerted effort. I always worked for him. I always gave in. He never went NC, it was always me. The only time he went NC was after Dday. I got a trite little email to say if he could ever help in anyway, I only had to ask.... PATHETIC! He had left my life looking like a bombsite and I was in deep depression. Think he had helped enough don't you? He had helped himself and then walked away. As for looking all together.. I'm a school principal, community volunteer, grandmother, and I never missed a beat during the emotional turmoil I have been through during the last 9 months. NOBODY ever guessed that my heart was breaking inside. I regard that as a huge achievement and believe it has made me a stronger woman. I believe that you must be strong also to remain together on the outside. I have very down days . After a down day, I seem to bounce back the other side ,usually with some further clarification about xMM. Keep up the NC Gentlegirl
FightClub Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 (edited) Wannabdone, I felt the same way you're feeling when it came to my xMW just disappearing after our long-distance EA became a one night PA, I asked myself the same questions and the affair itself was almost exactly a year when we met in person. It hurt a lot to feel the different emotions, especially as a guy, these brand new emotions/feelings I had to sort out over time and I realized somewhere in the sixth or seventh month, it was never about me, it was always about what was missing/broken inside her. When the day finally came and I got an apology/closure letter, it too was more guilt than anything else for her, I'd venture to say my complete NC was a bit of surprise to her, in her past guys would beg and plead to be with her after a loss, before she was married. I just recognized that as much as I love her that I loved myself more, enough to to walk away in part to the wonderful advice and experience that others on LS have shown me. You are a beautiful woman with much to offer the world and I have no doubt that you'll make it through this, closing the door is hard but keeping it shut is even harder...doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do right now, it's about your happiness. If by some slight change of fate things do really change, he better be ready to fight for everything your worth before letting him back in. Take care, -FC Edited September 8, 2011 by FightClub
Emme Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny: Your post has really made the sadness just flow within. I have to remind myself that even though the pain is there, we have to let go. I’m sorry he could not have shown you the respect by ending the affair on mutual terms. At least give someone the chance to say goodbye. In the end you wonder if them being snatched away is really good for the both of you. I think it is, now. If you see each other you probably couldn’t move forward with letting go. That’s just how I view it. I know many might think it’s just an affair but loosing someone who’s been there throughout your life is hard, it’s not easy. I wish I could vent like you can. I just internalize, pray on it and let it go. I wish you a happy day every day. Try and have a great day tomorrow. Don’t forget to laugh and smile.
sleepessinoh Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Well, I told you so. I told you that this NC had been full of emotions, and I had been doing so well, and that I would probably have one of "those days". And sure enough, one of those days has just started. I can't allow myself to slip into the depression that I have been in the past. I can not go back there. Here is what hit me: ( and I know I will get a million posts on what an ass he is, and he is, but never the less, my feelings are hurt, so bare with me.) I was "talking" on this forum to another member, someone I have grown to consider my friend. She has had such a rough patch. Where as I have been doing well. When I heard that her xMM had talked to her and told her that he loved her and basically how it wasn't going to work, it hit me. You know after all this time, 10 years of my life, I have given this man everything. I have been his best friend, his support in every way, his therapist, I have literally broken my back to help this man. And I enjoyed doing it. I enjoy helping others, it makes me feel good. Its what and how I was programmed from being a little girl. So after all of this, this ass can't even have given me the respect to say good bye, or i'm sorry. I got nothing, not a kiss my ass, nada. WTF? I am not trying to be holier than tho here, but come on. I have been really good to this man, and I have always treated him as long as anyone else in my life with the upmost respect.... hell, I treat people with more respect that I barely know, than he has given to me. Let alone someone I claim to "love more than anything". Which is bull ****, I know. I have been such a fool. And that hurts too. That I could be so foolish, to get myself into this position. Funny thing is, if you met me, you would never know it. I seem so put together. Wow, can't looks be decieving???!!!! Sorry, to vent, but I needed to. And don't worry, I will not break the NC. I'm not going to call him to get an apology and give me a goodbye. That to me would be meaningless. It would be the same as me shoving my hand up his ass and making him speak like a puppet. I've got an idea of some other things I would certainly love to shove up his ass tho. Thx for listening. And thank you all for being so supportive. This forum has helped me so much. I really feel like you all have really saved my life, and I am forever grateful to you for that!!! I am so sorry that you are hurting. You are doing great with your process though. We are going to have good days and bad days I guess. I hope your tomorrow is better for you. YOU deserve it!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Thank you all SOOOO MUCH!!! I really appreciate it!!! I just tried to keep really busy today. I know there will be bad days, and yes I agree with the post that with the bad days = growth. I Thank God for all of you and for me finding this forum. You truly all have been angels to me. I only hope that I can offer to each one of you at some point the support and comfort that you have given me. This really means more to me than you will ever know. I know what I need and deserve. And I know its so much more than he could ever give. So, like I said, I will not break NC. I'm Irish.... we don't stop fighting (or drinking ). Tomorrow will be a new day and hope to God, better!!! I'm praying not only for myself, but each of you to continue with strength.
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Hey wannab, you should start a new thread titled "Recommendations of things to shove up xMM's ass" I'll contribute a few suggestions It is possible that he's doing what he's doing because you've done the same (as shown in the statement in bold) however, it is more likely that... this part in bold is true. There is also another possibility that maybe he simply doesn't know what to say. He can't promise you anything, well he can, but he can't deliver on it. He can't say he's sorry because he doesn't think anything he did was wrong, or he simply can't admit fault. And lets not forget, most cheaters are conflict avoiders and simply can't communicate well - so that could also be a big reason he's not saying anything to you now. Whatever his reasons may be, it doesn't mean that he didn't care for you, but HIS way of caring for someone differs greatly from what most people consider caring. I completely understand your questioning and your hurt - that's normal. You will get past it, and before you do for sure, you will have more days like this, until you've finally moved on. Its normal and we'll help you get through it. LMAO!!!! I love it!! We should start that. It would probably set a record for the amount of posts!!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I am so very sorry that you're goin thru this! Like I mentioned in my thread, I don't know which way is worse but the fact of the matter is either way, we MUST grieve the loss and move on. One thing I did that actually helped me get thru the first few days of pain was writing him letters that I never sent. I wrote them as if I was speaking to him and it helped get all my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I did this for about a week and it really helped me realize that our relationship was doomed from the beginning and NOTHING... NOTHING I did or could have done would ever change that. You and I seem alike in that we love helping others and in most instances think we can make everything better. But as I've gotten older, I have realized that I can make things better - but only those things I have control over and MM's marriage isn't one of them! the only thing you have control over is YOU and YOUR happiness so get to it and start gettin happy! I know, easier said than done. I'm living proof. But, just like anything you put your mind to, you know that the outcome MUSt be better than living a lie. Write to him (don't send it), write to yourself. Someone in my thread mentioned something about writing letters of grief as in when someone close to you dies. They gave examples and although I haven't done it yet, I'm going to. You should do the same. Hugs to you my friend... you will get thru this because that's just who you are. Heart Thx to you my sweet friend. I am thankful for you. I hope you are doing better. I've been praying for you today.
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I know it's kinda trite but I have a personal theory that for each 'bad time' we go through, when healing, there's a finite number of rough days. And though the buggers will never come in a long row so you can get them out of the way , I think each one is one less you have to face in the future. Tomorrow will be better. SG... I totally agree. Each thing that is hard, there is always healing and growth. All I've got to say, is once this is done.... I'm gonna have grown a hella lot. In the words of Joe Dirt "Dang"!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Wannabdone, I felt the same way you're feeling when it came to my xMW just disappearing after our long-distance EA became a one night PA, I asked myself the same questions and the affair itself was almost exactly a year when we met in person. It hurt a lot to feel the different emotions, especially as a guy, these brand new emotions/feelings I had to sort out over time and I realized somewhere in the sixth or seventh month, it was never about me, it was always about what was missing/broken inside her. When the day finally came and I got an apology/closure letter, it too was more guilt than anything else for her, I'd venture to say my complete NC was a bit of surprise to her, in her past guys would beg and plead to be with her after a loss, before she was married. I just recognized that as much as I love her that I loved myself more, enough to to walk away in part to the wonderful advice and experience that others on LS have shown me. You are a beautiful woman with much to offer the world and I have no doubt that you'll make it through this, closing the door is hard but keeping it shut is even harder...doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do right now, it's about your happiness. If by some slight change of fate things do really change, he better be ready to fight for everything your worth before letting him back in. Take care, -FC Thank you FC.... That was very sweet. I appreciate it!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 These bad days are inevitable. One good thing about them is that they bring to light some of the things we didn't see before. The realizations. They help you define better what you want in the future. It's not just in A's either. My first marriage was ten years. I stayed about nine years too long . It's not worth beating yourself up over...just take it as a learning experience. Learn something about yourself to avoid repeating the behavior. That's the key. You are exactly right, SIT!!!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I agree wholeheartedly. Some days things are just going to seem so unfair and you're going to want to dissolve in a puddle of hurt/disappointment/anger/feelings of rejection but the realizations you arrive at, once you work through these emotions, are priceless! Eventually you'll come to some peace and acceptance about how and why things played out the way they did. MB... boy you sure did hit the nail on the head with how I feel. Thank you so much!!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 So true to the bold! It hurts like heck while you go through it, but eventually you come out to the other side just fine. I would say even better;) Hang in there! Thx LD.... I sure hope I come out better. I could certainly use that!!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 WBD.. 10 years is a long period of time to be in an A. The longer you are there, the more difficult it is to get out and the more it hurts.... just like any other relationhip. He is obviously following the pattern re NC established in your A. xMM hated NC would leave me alone for a while then come back at me with a concerted effort. I always worked for him. I always gave in. He never went NC, it was always me. The only time he went NC was after Dday. I got a trite little email to say if he could ever help in anyway, I only had to ask.... PATHETIC! He had left my life looking like a bombsite and I was in deep depression. Think he had helped enough don't you? He had helped himself and then walked away. As for looking all together.. I'm a school principal, community volunteer, grandmother, and I never missed a beat during the emotional turmoil I have been through during the last 9 months. NOBODY ever guessed that my heart was breaking inside. I regard that as a huge achievement and believe it has made me a stronger woman. I believe that you must be strong also to remain together on the outside. I have very down days . After a down day, I seem to bounce back the other side ,usually with some further clarification about xMM. Keep up the NC Gentlegirl Thx GG.... That is a glass half full way to look at it. I just always get down on myself, because I feel like i'm being phony in another area of my life, looking so well put together while being a mess inside. I never looked at it like being strong. I think I have a Quality of beating myself up more when I'm down. Thanks again!!
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny: Your post has really made the sadness just flow within. I have to remind myself that even though the pain is there, we have to let go. I’m sorry he could not have shown you the respect by ending the affair on mutual terms. At least give someone the chance to say goodbye. In the end you wonder if them being snatched away is really good for the both of you. I think it is, now. If you see each other you probably couldn’t move forward with letting go. That’s just how I view it. I know many might think it’s just an affair but loosing someone who’s been there throughout your life is hard, it’s not easy. I wish I could vent like you can. I just internalize, pray on it and let it go. I wish you a happy day every day. Try and have a great day tomorrow. Don’t forget to laugh and smile. You are so right Emme, we do have to let it flow, in order to let it go. I hope you are able to stop internalizing, at least a little bit, I think sometimes that eats you up. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Author wannabdone Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I am so sorry that you are hurting. You are doing great with your process though. We are going to have good days and bad days I guess. I hope your tomorrow is better for you. YOU deserve it! Thx so much sleepess!!!
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