Casablanca Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Facebook doesn't cause problems. People lacking social skills causes problems; Facebook just shines a light on someone's lack of social skills. I view it as a very healthy medium in that regard, it uncovers problems in yourself and others you may not otherwise notice. This I refused to take down some of my pics of an ex when a gf at the time wanted me too...it's my past and a lot of good memories that are memories and nothing more
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I see it as him have insecurities and a lack of trust in her first and foremost. What is the problem with someone having images on facebook of their past? I suspect you missed the part where his last girlfriend cheated on him--or that you're completely unable to place yourself into the situation of someone who's had that happen to them. He had no idea it would happen, so what reason does he have to believe it won't happen again? The original poster equated deleting them from Facebook with deleting them forever, which I wouldn't have done--who keeps pics up on Facebook as their only copy? It's not typical. The boyfriend may not know either, in which case it's even more of a red flag of someone holding onto an ex.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Ok, so lets say someone was in an abusive relationship, they are with you now and when you get upset, you tend to raise your voice, which is a trigger for the previously abused person. They start to feel totally insecure in this situation, so rather than validate their emotions, you just tell them to get over it and grow up? There should, I think be some kind of medium here. You can argue that the two situations are totally different, but the underlying concept is the same.
Bridgey Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. The thing with facebook is it's public (at least to your friends). Having a bunch of albums of your ex on public display can be hurtful to your current SO. It makes it look like you aren't over your. Having one or two pics of your ex isn't a big deal, but a few albums? Bit of a different story. He may not be able to see the pics now that you've changed the settings, but everyone else still can, and I bet thats what really bothers him. Can't you just save them on your computer in a file?
Casablanca Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I suspect you missed the part where his last girlfriend cheated on him--or that you're completely unable to place yourself into the situation of someone who's had that happen to them. He had no idea it would happen, so what reason does he have to believe it won't happen again? He's got to realize that she isnt the same person...that just because one person does it, doesnt mean someone else will....if he is worried about it, then there is a trust issue and you cant have a healthy relationship with trust issues.
todd Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I suspect you missed the part where his last girlfriend cheated on him--or that you're completely unable to place yourself into the situation of someone who's had that happen to them. He had no idea it would happen, so what reason does he have to believe it won't happen again? The original poster equated deleting them from Facebook with deleting them forever, which I wouldn't have done--who keeps pics up on Facebook as their only copy? It's not typical. The boyfriend may not know either, in which case it's even more of a red flag of someone holding onto an ex. He was cheated on.. GET OVER IT. If he is going to live life thinking everyone is going to cheat on him then he is going to have a rough future. I have had someone cheat on me and you know what, I am fine. Yes it sucks, but you deal with it like any other break up and you move on. Being cheated on is just another form of that person telling you we weren't meant for each other (but in a more ****ty way then the "its not you its me."). You do not throw those insecurities onto your next relationship. That is probably the easiest way to throw away that relationship.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I had this same kind of thing. I had lots of pictures from a trip that an ex and I took to several foreign countries about five years ago. He was the only one who went with me, so naturally he was in almost every picture. It bothered my current BF a little bit. At first I didn't want to delete the albums from my adventures around the world. I really enjoy traveling (and I looked really good in some of those photos! haha) In the end I set them where only I could see them. They are there if I ever need to download them to a new computer and nobody else can see them. For me, yes it WAS a part of my life. The emphasis, however, is on the WAS. The man I am with now is my present and that was more important to me. I honestly have expected the same of him if something like that bothered me.
Silivren Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I think the op did absolutely nothing wrong ...I can totally relate to using facebook as a time line. To take it a step further, I use it as digital storage for pictures. I had a computer crash, and in this digital age a lot of us don't even have hard copies of our pictures anymore.. if my computer crashes and I lose my data at least I can go on facebook and get all my photos back. Those are my memories and why should I have to delete them? Think of it this way - do I have to destroy all my old photo albums of my ex? We took trips together and did things I want to remember. So I don't have any pictures of us up on the wall, I keep the memories.. why do I have to erase my past just because my current boyfriend isn't in those pics? I think changing the facebook settings should be enough. We all have a past, it made us who we are.
BeyondtheClouds Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 In the predigital world, we would have taken the photos out of the frames and tuck them away in a box or even a photo album but they would stay safe within a drawer where we know no one would see them unless someone broke into the drawer uninvited. When these photos stay on FB, maybe your bf can't see them, but you left them for the rest of your FB friends, and possibly friends of friends to see. Plus I think it's one thing to have one or two photos up from a personal activity or trip on your wall, but I am wondering about these people who have to load the whole CD Rom, showing off every tick, smile, Pebbles waving hello, Pebbles waving good bye and so on. Are you trying to convince us that you have an active life? I'm one of these people who doesn't like ex's orbiting the relationship. If you must remain friends with him, you could at least put away the evidence that you two at one time were intimate and put yourself fully into your current relationship. Let's just see how you feel when he introduces in whatever way his ex or some other female buddy to the relationship.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. The thing with facebook is it's public (at least to your friends). Having a bunch of albums of your ex on public display can be hurtful to your current SO. It makes it look like you aren't over your. Having one or two pics of your ex isn't a big deal, but a few albums? Bit of a different story. He may not be able to see the pics now that you've changed the settings, but everyone else still can, and I bet thats what really bothers him. Can't you just save them on your computer in a file? quite possibly a good compromise. Plus you can bet his friends are asking him why the pics are there if she likes him so much....that probably has its role to play in the situation too.
Trolly Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) I agree with Bridgey. An mementos that I decide to keep from exs will be stored in a shoebox in my closet or somewhere under my bed. Not in public continuing to be presented to the people in my life Edited September 7, 2011 by Trolly
TuffCookieX Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Facebook doesn't cause problems. People lacking social skills causes problems; Facebook just shines a light on someone's lack of social skills. I view it as a very healthy medium in that regard, it uncovers problems in yourself and others you may not otherwise notice. I love this. People always say "facebook causes drama." It doesn't. People cause drama.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I love this. People always say "facebook causes drama." It doesn't. People cause drama. This is very true and I agree with you both, though I think it also allows more of an outlet for these behavioral problems than would otherwise be common otherwise. The bottom line is it isn't the technology, it's people and their inability to use it responsibly in a healthy manner that plays within the bounds of their relational boundaries. It totally takes the reality of how people are out of context, it put's us all in the authors seat of a novel and let's us project any aspect we want to personify without revealing the grimy truth our individual character flaws. Typically the media blinders that have shown fairy tale scenarios of how interpersonal relationships would be, without all the day in day out effort one has to maintain to uphold it pretty much, has deluded far too many people away from the relation part of the ship, and it is slowly sinking, one couple at a time.
country_gurl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 In the predigital world, we would have taken the photos out of the frames and tuck them away in a box or even a photo album but they would stay safe within a drawer where we know no one would see them unless someone broke into the drawer uninvited. When these photos stay on FB, maybe your bf can't see them, but you left them for the rest of your FB friends, and possibly friends of friends to see. Plus I think it's one thing to have one or two photos up from a personal activity or trip on your wall, but I am wondering about these people who have to load the whole CD Rom, showing off every tick, smile, Pebbles waving hello, Pebbles waving good bye and so on. Are you trying to convince us that you have an active life? I'm one of these people who doesn't like ex's orbiting the relationship. If you must remain friends with him, you could at least put away the evidence that you two at one time were intimate and put yourself fully into your current relationship. Let's just see how you feel when he introduces in whatever way his ex or some other female buddy to the relationship. Bravo! - I couldn't agree more. Though it's certainly NOT the fault of social networking sites like FB, it seems that everyone and their dog these days wants to expose every single little snippet of their lives for all to see. I must admit that I just don't get it. Back in the old days, our "memories" were in the form of actual old school pictures and you obviously wouldn't be in a new relationship yet finding your new flame's photo albums all over the place. Why? Because it's just not appropriate or necessary.......but now some peoples' entire lives are posted on FB. Why don't people just hide such albums so that only they can view them? Why do you really need (I'm speaking in general here) to have dozens of albums that contain pics of an ex when that relationship was a long time ago? Nobody's saying you have to delete the albums but the past is the past; at least hide them? A lot of people actually don't want to even see/know what a person's ex looks like. I know I don't. And it's not an insecurity thing at all. I just really don't want to know what their ex looked like, why would I?
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Eh... it depends on how it really affects him. He's the one you need to be asking... (personally though, I can't relate to the desire to save things like that from the past ----- to me it's irrelevant and holds no candle to my future... especially if it can hurt the person who IS in my present and will BE in my future. I just can't relate... not going to say you're wrong to want to keep them but want to be in a relationship with someone else as well but... what's more important? What are your priorities? Maybe you need to find someone who can relate to you, IF it really bothers him).
make me believe Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 While I don't think you've done anything terrible, I don't think he's totally wrong either. I think that's why relationships don't last these days. Everyone is intent on being right, on getting our way, on not compromising for the other person. Your attitude is "Its my life, my memories and I don't care how he feels, I'm not going to change to make him feel better." What's wrong with being the bigger person and doing something just because you care about his feelings and because you don't have to be right? Are the memories of someone you never plan to see again more important than the feelings of someone you're perhaps planning to make a future with. If he pouted like a kid and said "Get rid of the photos or I wont see you anymore" I wouldn't have too much sympathy for him, but he simply told you how he felt and left the choice up to you. You chose to keep the pictures rather than give in and put his feelings first. Its really kind of sad how we treat each other nowadays. Yes! I totally agree with this. Out of respect for your boyfriend, I think you need to create some other kind of photo storage system. You can easily store them on flashdrives or whatever and keep them filed away properly, not lost in a drawer somewhere. Even though you made it so he can't see the albums of you & your ex, everyone else can still see them. And most people are not going to look at that and go "oh what a nice timeline of her life!" They are going to think "wow, is she still holding a torch for that guy or what?!" Plus, the other thing is, no one really cares about seeing a "timeline of your life" other than yourself. So keep the pictures private where YOU can see them but your boyfriend & everyone who knows him doesn't have to. I think you're hurting him & probably embarrassing him for no good reason.
skelterhelter Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I'm one of these people who doesn't like ex's orbiting the relationship. If you must remain friends with him, you could at least put away the evidence that you two at one time were intimate and put yourself fully into your current relationship. THIS. I am all for preserving fond memories, but it's a little unfair to your boyfriend to see albums upon albums of your ex. I know I would be annoyed. You did the right thing by compromising and setting them to private.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 He may not be able to see the pics now that you've changed the settings, but everyone else still can, and I bet thats what really bothers him. Can't you just save them on your computer in a file? She already showed that she doent care about how she feels, because the chronicles of her live in pics means more to her. She said shes too lazy to take the pics off facebook and put them in order on her computer. I think its an excuse for something, just dont know what.
Desensitized Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I had an ex like this... so annoying. She has to have every single picture she's ever taken on FB - quite funny, actually, but at the time, I cared for her dearly; so it ticked me off. Anyways, it's clear that these pictures are more important to her than showing her boyfriend that she respects him enough to store the pictures away - the fact that other people can still see the pictures probably irritates him. I still remember what I said to my ex. It went something along the lines of, "you can keep your memories, but i'll be the one making them" after I said that, I broke up with her. Done and done. Let's see what fool puts up with that nonsense.
Janesays Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Honestly, I probably would have taken them down before he even mentioned it. I'd be worried that it would hurt my guy's feelings to see me snuggled up with another boyfriend, and I love him, and hate the thought of hurting him, so those pictures would have been gone and stored away before he ever saw them.
Finch Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 A couple of people have already alluded to this: There's a difference between wanting to hold on to mementos (like photographs) because they have some private meaning for you, and putting them out there for the world to see. Keeping photographs of yourself and an ex up on social networking sites can give the impression that you want people to know you had a connection to that now-ex. It may be perceived by the new significant other as the OP not being quite over the ex, or of still wanting to stake some claim on him. By that I mean it could be interpreted as the OP (visually) saying "I was with him, I have the proof. Look how happy we were and the things we did together." Which is not something that's ever really fun for the new boyfriend or girlfriend to see. We all have the right to keep pieces of our past if we so choose, but when it comes to relationships its often better to keep those pieces someplace private and not flaunt them. If, as the OP says, she wants to keep these photographs because they represent a timeline, that's fine. But for the sake of respecting her boyfriends feelings it would be polite and respectful to invest in an external hard drive, flash drives, getting the photo's printed out, or online storage for important/sentimental photos. A little bit of kindness and consideration for other people's feelings goes a long way in all types of relationships.
FrustratedStandards Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Ugh I know what you mean. The last guy I dated wanted me to do the same thing. Just because HE deletes all the pics of his ex, doesn't mean I have to. After all, its the past! If there is an album of being affectionate, okay, I understand, that can be deleted. But group photos or what not, that's ridiculous. He is probably insecure because 6 years is a long time. 8 months doesn't seem long enough to get over a 6 year relationship (at least I dont think so). So he is worried that the pictures will bring back good memories, and that will remind you of him etc. It is with good intention even though it comes out really controlling.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) She already showed that she doent care about how she feels, because the chronicles of her live in pics means more to her. She said shes too lazy to take the pics off facebook and put them in order on her computer. I think its an excuse for something, just dont know what. I never said I was lazy. I don't understand I guess. If me and him were to break up I'd keep up the pics too. Not just my ex. I don't plan on getting back with my ex. Me and him are a much better fit and healthier. Edited September 9, 2011 by chelle21689
rafallus Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Facebook doesn't cause problems. People lacking social skills causes problems; Facebook just shines a light on someone's lack of social skills. I view it as a very healthy medium in that regard, it uncovers problems in yourself and others you may not otherwise notice.Facebook gives nearly infinite ammunition for people causing problems. Pic with someone of other sex? Problems. Ambiguous comment made by someone of other sex? Problems. Private, incriminating correspondention somehow left for partner to see? Problems. Okay, this one is pretty heavy hitter and you don't need to be paranoid for it to cause problems. For paranoid, going on FB is like alcoholic going to the bar essentially.
robdrm32 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Facebook gives nearly infinite ammunition for people causing problems. Pic with someone of other sex? Problems. Ambiguous comment made by someone of other sex? Problems. Private, incriminating correspondention somehow left for partner to see? Problems. Okay, this one is pretty heavy hitter and you don't need to be paranoid for it to cause problems. For paranoid, going on FB is like alcoholic going to the bar essentially. Good post. OP how about you make a bigger compromise and make it so only YOU can see the albums? i'm pretty sure you can do that. I don't really see the problem with taking the photos down, its the considerate thing to do. By not doing it your allowing it to create an issue all for the sake of what?
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