chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I had Facebook for 6 years and I've been with my ex for that long amount of time. I have a lot of albums of him in each one of them. We broke up 8 months ago and as I made new memories, naturally the new photos accumulated pushing old photos of my ex to the back being kinda buried. I have a new boyfriend now. We've been seeing each other since February but official for about a month. He told me he looked through my old pictures and saw pics of me and my ex and didn't like what he saw. I told him that I wouldn't delete my pictures because it's like a timeline of my memories and life and that if me and him were to break up I would not delete our pictures also. I also said I was curious to see pictures of him and his exes but he doesn't have any. lol He said "Okay I just won't look at your pictures." I told him that if it bothered him seeing the pictures I can change the settings. I hid the "major" albums of me and my ex from him. I left some pictures visible to see of the ones where me and my ex weren't being affectionate. He seem to be fine with that since he didn't say anything or argue..but then again he doesn't like to argue. Our conversation just shifted in to something else and we changed the subject. Am I wrong for not deleting the photos? I hid the major albums of me and my ex on vacations, holidays with my fam, prom, etc. but some pictures I left up with the ones where it's a group picture, or if we're not hugging/cuddling/kissing.
Ginger Beer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 He should grow up but this is another example of Facebook causing problems.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Well, at least I appreciate him not TELLING me what to do and trying to be understanding of how I feel. I just hope that he doesn't make a big issue of this. Haha, I wish he had some pics of his ex cuz I want to see what they look like! O.o
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 He should grow up but this is another example of Facebook causing problems. Facebook doesn't cause problems. People lacking social skills causes problems; Facebook just shines a light on someone's lack of social skills. I view it as a very healthy medium in that regard, it uncovers problems in yourself and others you may not otherwise notice.
Ginger Beer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I don't think he's done much wrong though, it's not gonna be nice to see pictures of your SO with someone they used to date, especially if you really care about them. If I was in your situation, I'd probably delete them before they mentioned it, but not once they've mentioned it because it will look like you're being told what to do.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 He didn't like the pics up because he didn't like to see it. So, I made it to where he CAN'T see the photos so he can look through my album. Is that a bad compromise? It really frustrates me that no one understands how I'm feeling....I don't want to delete ANYTHING from my past. Like I said, if it were pics of me and him and we broke up I wouldn't want to delete them.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I don't want to delete ANYTHING from my past. Removing them from Facebook shouldn't remove them from this earth--surely you have copies wherever you uploaded them from. Why do you not want to delete them from Facebook?
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Don't let someone elses insecurities dictate your options. I wouldn't want to see pics of my partners ex's, but if I can't see them, I wouldn't care. Out of sight out of mind. Sounds like a good compromise to me. If it continues to cause issue then you two might want to rethink your long term goals and see if the other is still a part of them.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Like I said, I think of Facebook kind of as a timeline to see how my life changes and grows through my statuses, pictures, tagged pics, etc. I tend to lose my pictures when I put them on a flash drive or some storage and online is best. I dont' want to have to go through each picture album and upload a bunch of them on some online site and put them in order from the time things happened...not only that but there's a LIMIT to how much you can put on online sites like photobucket.....he can no longer see affectionate pictures of us all lovey dovey.
Ginger Beer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 He didn't like the pics up because he didn't like to see it. So, I made it to where he CAN'T see the photos so he can look through my album. Is that a bad compromise? It really frustrates me that no one understands how I'm feeling....I don't want to delete ANYTHING from my past. Like I said, if it were pics of me and him and we broke up I wouldn't want to delete them. I know how you're feeling, you've done nothing wrong. Don't let someone elses insecurities dictate your options. I wouldn't want to see pics of my partners ex's, but if I can't see them, I wouldn't care. Out of sight out of mind. Sounds like a good compromise to me. If it continues to cause issue then you two might want to rethink your long term goals and see if the other is still a part of them. I agree with this. Hopefully now he can't see them it's all sorted.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 As long as he knows they are there but cannot see them and he is ok with it then it shouldn't be an issue because no one is hiding or lying about anything. No matter if you are at the beginning or the end of a relationship, honesty is the best policy.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Yeah, he knows I changed the settings so he can no longer look at it. I just hope it doesn't ruin our relationship. In the past his ex cheated on him with her ex boyfriend so he is nervous about this kind of stuff.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Then be completely transparent with him and you two should be fine.
AmEricanWomann Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 While I don't think you've done anything terrible, I don't think he's totally wrong either. I think that's why relationships don't last these days. Everyone is intent on being right, on getting our way, on not compromising for the other person. Your attitude is "Its my life, my memories and I don't care how he feels, I'm not going to change to make him feel better." What's wrong with being the bigger person and doing something just because you care about his feelings and because you don't have to be right? Are the memories of someone you never plan to see again more important than the feelings of someone you're perhaps planning to make a future with. If he pouted like a kid and said "Get rid of the photos or I wont see you anymore" I wouldn't have too much sympathy for him, but he simply told you how he felt and left the choice up to you. You chose to keep the pictures rather than give in and put his feelings first. Its really kind of sad how we treat each other nowadays.
Author chelle21689 Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Well I did care about his feelings but I wanted to compromise so I changed the settings...
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 While I don't think you've done anything terrible, I don't think he's totally wrong either. I think that's why relationships don't last these days. Everyone is intent on being right, on getting our way, on not compromising for the other person. That is true, and also the part about is it worth the drama, also valid. I thought though, in this case, he just doesn't want to see them, she doesn't want to get rid of them, so in their own way they did compromise? If he still have issues with it, then it depends on what is more important to you. I have pictures of my ex, and I don't look at them, but I don't want to get rid of them either, in the off chance that one day I can look back and appreciate that while it ended horribly, it was a part of my life that I loved very much and my only regret was the way it ended. To each his or her own I suppose.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Besides being worried about cheating, he might be worried that youre not completely over your ex yet. Chelle, are you over your ex completely to be dating this guy?
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Besides being worried about cheating, he might be worried that youre not completely over your ex yet. Chelle, are you over your ex completely to be dating this guy? THAT is a very valid point of view to take into consideration. I don't know, you have some people that will say he isn't over his own issues if he has concerns like these, or that you might not be over your own. I think the truth could be somewhere in the middle. Having been through what I have, certain types of behavior would make me very concerned in a relationship. It could be paranoia or it could be valid, how is one supposed to tell the difference? Some things you just never get completely over and sometimes it's best to take other peoples feelings seriously depending on the outcome you want. I lost sight in one of my eyes many years ago, so if I get something in the one I can see out of, it stresses me out, I know very well im not going blind but it makes me feel vulnerable in a way that causes me emotional discomfort. This is just an example without all the complications of a relationship involved. Trivial to someone else maybe, but to me its very real. In that light I wouldn't just invalidate someone elses feelings on a whim or a difference of view when the outcome you want is to make that person comfortable and trusting of you.
linwood Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Am I wrong for not deleting the photos? I hid the major albums of me and my ex on vacations, holidays with my fam, prom, etc. but some pictures I left up with the ones where it's a group picture, or if we're not hugging/cuddling/kissing. I won`t say you`re "wrong" but you did just show that you`re unwilling to trade those pictures to have a BF with no resentments. Trust me, he just tucked your refusal to get rid of them in the back of his mind. Is it worth it?
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Pick your battles. Whatever. If something bothers someone they need to be open and honest about it. Anything else is suicide for a relationship. Everyone needs to know where they stand on ever aspect of what is and isn't acceptable to both parties. That little seed of dislike will just turn into a bomb with a short fuse one day.
DepressedinDenver Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Besides being worried about cheating, he might be worried that youre not completely over your ex yet. Chelle, are you over your ex completely to be dating this guy? She isnt obv.
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Trust me, he just tucked your refusal to get rid of them in the back of his mind. This. He doesn't trust you as much as if you just deleted the pics from Facebook and stored them somewhere only you'd see them and nobody else, so it'll go onto the list of things to be wary of with you. I always hide pictures/gifts/cards from/of exes from current significant others. Since his ex cheated on him, he'll look for it in his future relationships, and this is just a sign of it...I'd make an extra effort to hide signs of the ex and never talk about them to show I'm over them if my girlfriend had been cheated on like that. You illustrated you're unwilling to do that, so he won't trust you as much as he otherwise would have.
todd Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I see it as him have insecurities and a lack of trust in her first and foremost. What is the problem with someone having images on facebook of their past? Are you suppose to erase all your photos every time you date someone new? He has problems with himself and is scared he will somehow lose you so he wants you to severe all connection with your past in an attempt to keep you all his. It is his problem to deal with, not yours. It is not like you were constantly looking through them or have a wall of pics in your bedroom dedicated to your ex. What is next, is he going to go through your albums from elementary school and make your throw away those pictures of you with one of your exs at the school dance... Or the pic of you with your high school crush from 15 years ago at the beach.. You get my point.
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