eerie_reverie Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Actions speak louder than words, but how long do you wait for someone to tell you he loves you, before the silence speaks even louder? Sorry to repeat this thread (my last one flopped due to a crappy title) but I think it's a really interesting question!
shayla Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 It doesn't matter to me how long it takes to hear those words. My ex used to say it to me every single day, including the day he put a ring on someone elses finger. His words didn't mean a dam* thing. Obviously his actions told the real story. My boyfriend has only said it twice to me in the 9 months we have been together. But he has acted like a man in love since about a month into our relationship, and that is good enough for me, even if he never says it again.
oaks Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Actions speak louder than words, but how long do you wait for someone to tell you he loves you, before the silence speaks even louder? Perhaps you should be working for it, not waiting for it.
Art_Critic Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 You wait until you realize they either love you or don't love you... By him not saying it in "eeries" time" doesn't mean he doesn't love you.. all it means is that YOU WANT to hear it... Have you said it to him yet ?
make me believe Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I disagree that it doesn't matter how long it takes. If I'm with a guy and he knows he loves me but is too scared to say it, or thinks that his actions will do all of the talking, I don't think that would work for me. I NEED to hear the words, combined with seeing the actions that back it up. I wouldn't be compatible with a guy who could only say the words every few months or whatever. In the beginning of a relationship it can be tricky though.. I'm not sure you can really put a time limit on it, other than not waiting a ridiculous amount of time which imo would be like a year. I'm not afraid to say it first though, even though a lot of people think the girl should never say it first. I said I love you first to my husband, after a couple months of dating. I was worried it was too soon, but every time I was with him I felt like I'd burst if I didn't say it! So I said it, he returned it, and all was good. If you feel it, I think you should say it. You don't have to wait for him.
country_gurl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Anyone can "say the words", even someone who's cheating on their partner...........what matters, really, is do they SHOW their love for you. Sure it's nice to hear it every once in awhile but it matters so much more if they express their love or not.
Cee Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to say it. But actions are so important in backing up the words. I guess I want it all - the words and actions.
OliveOyl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to say it. But actions are so important in backing up the words. I guess I want it all - the words and actions. Me too. I want both... the words and the actions behind them. I wanted to say it after a couple of months of dating but my BF beat me to it. Now we say it pretty frequently. It gives me a warm fuzzy every time I hear it.
QuixoteTilting Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I have a friend who doesn't say "I love you". He doesn't believe in romantic love. He considers it to be a social construction, and he's honest about that. He's been in a happy, monogamous cohabitating relationship for 3 years. Something to think about.
Author eerie_reverie Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I have a friend who doesn't say "I love you". He doesn't believe in romantic love. He considers it to be a social construction, and he's honest about that. He's been in a happy, monogamous cohabitating relationship for 3 years. Something to think about. That would not work for me. What does it mean not to "believe" in romantic love anyway? As I said in my OP, I recognize that actions are more important than words. I realize that someone can say the words only to abandon you/ cheat the next day (there are plenty of examples in my real life to support this). However, someone "incapable" of saying the words to you after a reasonable period of time is exhibiting red flags regardless of their actions, IMO. Either they really don't love you, they are emotionally unavaiable, etc. I am wondering what the rule of thumb for that period of time is.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 It doesn't really count. What ya really wanna hear is "I'm in love with you". There's a big diff in my book. It's not something I would ever say unless it were true to the core.
QuixoteTilting Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 That would not work for me. What does it mean not to "believe" in romantic love anyway? It means recognizing that what we describe as "love" is not a feeling, but a composite of multiple feelings along with internalized cultural narratives, social expectations, etc. It's something that's made up, something that has as many meanings as there are people, and that therefore saying the phrase "I love you" is more an act of obfuscation than of communication. You never thought about that?
Author eerie_reverie Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 It means recognizing that what we describe as "love" is not a feeling, but a composite of multiple feelings along with internalized cultural narratives, social expectations, etc. It's something that's made up, something that has as many meanings as there are people, and that therefore saying the phrase "I love you" is more an act of obfuscation than of communication. You never thought about that? Sure, I've thought about that, and to some extent I agree with you. Saying "I love you" in a romantic context means different things to different people. It could even mean different things at different times in the same relationship. For me, it used to imply unconditional love and total commitment, but I've loosened up the meaning since recognizing how much I love MANY of the different people in my life, my SO included. "I am in love with you" used to mean something else, some magical connection, but I've since stopped believing in that altogether, and now, it's a red flag to me if someone is expecting some kind of magic out of our relationship. But not to express it verbally at all - that implies a lack of any kind of love altogether, an unwillingness to care deeply, invest any real emotion. I was in a relationship like that for nearly a year, and even though the guy was good to me, in the end, it meant nothing, he wasn't really invested, he was just going through the motions. I don't think it's asking too much to be loved.
Ginger Beer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 If the relationship was going smoothly and we were both happy, there was complete trust and we were totally comfortable with each other, I would wait however long it took. I don't think there is a set time period when you need to say it. It's thrown about too easily these days anyway which devalues it.
Enchanted Girl Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Three to five months. I've learned that if men don't do certain things in a certain period of time that they don't really care for you. I waited five years for my ex to just agree to LIVE IN the same area as me. Instead, he broke-up to me and told me how I was never important to him. How his friends and even his possessions were more important to him then me. It taught me that you can't just sit around forever and wait for men to do stuff. Your love isn't enough. If they don't show they are making an effort in return and want to further progress the relationship in return, then they don't care about you, no matter how long they've been with you.
Ginger Beer Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I don't think you should think there are problems if he hasn't said ILY after three to five months. I think people look into it far too much or like I said, throw those words about too much/too easily. I agree about if certain things aren't done in a certain time it shows a lack of interest in the relationship, but I don't think saying ILY is one of those things.
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