Guy I Love Lied About a Second Prior Marriage to My Face -- Now What?

[rwrachel]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. I met him online. He is 40 and I am 29. He did not say he was divorced in his profile but after some google searches I found that he was so I asked him a few dates in and he admitted it. Fast forward to 5 months ago. At his 40th party that I threw for him one of his older women friends made a comment about how awful his "second wife" was -- I asked him privately if he had been married twice and he said no. Yesterday, before I accompanied on a business trip to another country, I found the mortgage of a house he bought with another woman's name listed as his spouse. I called him and asked him to explain. He came home from work immediately and cried that he didn't know how to tell me and was afraid of losing me. He was indeed married another time before the one I knew about. The first marriage lasted 2 years and the second a year and a half. We get along really well -- both affectionate, playful. We live together -- I've quit my job and he's supporting me financially as I explore doing something more artistic. The first marriage ended because he has impotence issues caused by a childhood molestation (we do have sex now although sometimes he loses his erection -- he takes pills) and she cheated on him. The second ended because she was "crazy." He regrets ever marrying her (he says it was mostly so she could get a visa). My heart tells me not to walk away from him because I love him but my brain tells me this is a big red flag. Your thoughts?

[shayla]

The lie would be a big red flag for me. I have no tolerance for lying. Where there is one lie there is always another.

 

I can only speak of my experience, your relationship may be totally different. But in my case, once I discovered one lie, I was never comfortable in the relationship again. I always wondered if he was lying, and most of the time he was.

[KathyM]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. I met him online. He is 40 and I am 29. He did not say he was divorced in his profile but after some google searches I found that he was so I asked him a few dates in and he admitted it. Fast forward to 5 months ago. At his 40th party that I threw for him one of his older women friends made a comment about how awful his "second wife" was -- I asked him privately if he had been married twice and he said no. Yesterday, before I accompanied on a business trip to another country, I found the mortgage of a house he bought with another woman's name listed as his spouse. I called him and asked him to explain. He came home from work immediately and cried that he didn't know how to tell me and was afraid of losing me. He was indeed married another time before the one I knew about. The first marriage lasted 2 years and the second a year and a half. We get along really well -- both affectionate, playful. We live together -- I've quit my job and he's supporting me financially as I explore doing something more artistic. The first marriage ended because he has impotence issues caused by a childhood molestation (we do have sex now although sometimes he loses his erection -- he takes pills) and she cheated on him. The second ended because she was "crazy." He regrets ever marrying her (he says it was mostly so she could get a visa). My heart tells me not to walk away from him because I love him but my brain tells me this is a big red flag. Your thoughts?

When a man lies to you about something so important as a prior marriage, then he is not being fair to you, and it makes you wonder what else he is not telling you. That would be a deal breaker for me. Not that he was married twice before, but that he would lie about such an important thing. Without honesty in a relationship, the trust factor is damaged. Sounds like he has quite a few issues, quite a bit of baggage, but most importantly, he can't be trusted to be honest with you. That would be a deal breaker in my book. He's also 11 years older than you. Not a match. Not a good bet for a long term relationship.

[RedRedMe]

There has to be more to this story than he is telling you. From my own experience, when a guy calls a girl "crazy" it means he drove her that way. It is one of the biggest cop-outs I have ever heard when discussing relationship problems.

 

Like other posters said, it is never just one lie. This is a huge thing to lie about and try to cover up. I think you can do better but that is something you need to decide for yourself. It is very hard to forgive a liar and hard for a liar to change. I'm struggling with the same issue myself. My heart goes out to you and I hope you make the best of this situation.