Tinkah Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Hello everyone! I've been reading posts the past few days & have been really impressed & decided this was the best place for me to get some advice! Here's the low down of my situation which has caused me great distress the past 6 months or so: I'm 26 & my bf is 31. We've been together for 2 years & 5 months. Moved in together after 6 months. I've been done with school for 2 years & have a job I love. He went to tech school & has a variety of skills & is currently employed at a job he also loves. Everything was pretty much wonderful the first two years, until my ultimatum for marriage came in February (we've talked a lot about it, both agreed that it was the "night that never happened.") He understands my max time for dating is 3 years. My goal it to get married & have a family. We are compatible on many levels, (non-religious, cleanliness, financial,have fun hobbies) our families love the fact we're together. I could go more into this, but the imcombatibilities need some help. 1. Intellectual. I am a thinker, planner. Am very educated. He's a worker, a doer. I understand a partner can't have everything & I find intellectual stimulation from friends, work & family. However, lately it has become a problem, as I long for discussions with him & he uses excuses not to talk. I really value his unique skills though. 2. Sexual. My desire is greater than his (who would have thought?) He doesn't see this as a problem, but I see it as a HUGE problem. Make it or break it. He's been aware of my problem a year into the relationship. Things got better for a little while, but the last six months have been brutal & frankly I feel starved. I think a lot of problems stem from this, including my fluctuating moods & negativity. 3. Timelines. I am ready to go to the next step of marriage & kids. We've talked to a great length about timelines. They appear to agree, however I don't know if he's just telling me what I want to hear. I am a woman moved by actions, not words. 4. Communication. He's very hard to communicate with. I've told him this many times. He gets very defensive, sets up many roadblocks. Which it turn makes me anxious & makes my thoughts freeze. I've learned to expect the defensiveness & can manage to dodge some roadblocks, but it's not easy. We recently had one session of counseling, but didn't get too much out of it. (It was a huge step for him to go as he does not believe "talking about it" will help.) Also, he has a hard time seeing the problems. "Nothings wrong, why do we need to see someone??" The counselor concluded we need to spend more time together & do things that the other person likes (speak their "love language") Which we've both been very busy this summer, both working 50-60 hours a week & he has extracurricular activities. I haven't been in the greatest moods so I see it as his way of avoiding me. We recently spent the last weekend together & it was so-so. Started off rocky, but got better! So basically I can't see the whole picture of this situation. I've chewed it into mush in my head. I don't know whether I should stay to work it out or give up & leave. I feel like I've really tried, but I am getting nowhere. I'm basically looking for an objective perspective, maybe someone who has been there, done that to shed some light on this! Thanks for reading!
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Please try and work it out - this place is full of break ups that would be nice to read a happy ending. That said though, it will only work if both parties can see the problem and are willing to work at it. I think he may be distant from that and unwilling to accept it. I've learnt the hard way you can only help those that want help. Maybe you could express how much this is worrying and hurting you - if he truly loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to prevent losing you. I do think there's plenty worth saving here but it may be hard work to do so. Only you know in your heart what is the right thing to do and all we can do is offer opinions.
Author Tinkah Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 There is a lot worth to save, I love him very much; which is why I am so torn. But it's not fair to me to go through life with an unsatisfying sex life. I might add it's not an attraction problem, we are both fit & attractive people, both each others physical ideal. I asked him about his sex drive & suggested going to the doctor to see if there was something medically wrong. He got angry & said nothing was wrong. We did talk about breaking up last nite actually. He point blank asked me if I wanted to break up because I was quizzing him on past breakups & if he was the dumper or dumped (both). I said "Maybe, if things don't get better. But I want to try because we have a lot going for us." He just seems so darn apathetic about it all. Inconsiderate. Yes, we can only help those who help themselves.
Professor X Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 There is a lot worth to save, I love him very much; which is why I am so torn. But it's not fair to me to go through life with an unsatisfying sex life. I might add it's not an attraction problem, we are both fit & attractive people, both each others physical ideal. I asked him about his sex drive & suggested going to the doctor to see if there was something medically wrong. He got angry & said nothing was wrong. We did talk about breaking up last nite actually. He point blank asked me if I wanted to break up because I was quizzing him on past breakups & if he was the dumper or dumped (both). I said "Maybe, if things don't get better. But I want to try because we have a lot going for us." He just seems so darn apathetic about it all. Inconsiderate. Yes, we can only help those who help themselves. Well, you know well enough that RS requires 2 active participants for it to work. If he keeps the attitude of "not caring" and is apathetic when you speak to him about serious issues such as breaking up than maybe you aren't as important to him as you think. And you are right in not wanting to live unsatisfied life. Sex is a very important component in a RS and if it lacks than a RS, in most cases, is worth break over it. Talk to him again, make sure he understands how serious you really are, tell him your feelings, tell him you need more of it and that what you get now just isn't enough for you, also tell him you hate the fact that he can't seem to want to talk about stuff with you. If you tried it all it might be the time to move on. Again, there's so much you can do on your own to mend the RS.
Author Tinkah Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Thanks Professor, a very logical way to put things. A friend of mine suggested moving out & into my own place to give him "space." I think we have enough space the way it is, but I don't know, it seems like a step in the wrong direction. Although sometimes one has to take 1 step back to take 2 steps forward... I see it as a step towards breaking up because it would make the break up transition easier, if that's what this is coming to. The thought of starting over and the loneliness that accompanies it scares me. =( He's the only one I have in this town besides coworkers. My close friends & family live so far away (7 hours). What I really want to do is move away closer to them, but I'm tied to this place for 2 more years. I have told him that I feel like I have a lot more invested in this relationship than he does, but he gets angry (see a theme??). I feel like I do because I've exhausted myself trying to make it work. Trying to think of ways to talk to him about things without him getting defensive. Doing things to show how much I care. The counselor noticed his fear of engagement & marriage. "Why don't you take the next step?" "Because I have things to do first." "Like what?" "Get a better job." Really??? A better job? It's just one excuse after the other. "Do we have to do what everyone else does?" The signs are there, he's not the marrying type & I'm not waiting for a 31 year old to grow up. The more that I think of it now, the more it seems like a no brainer. And it sounds selfish, but I know it's going to hurt me more than it will hurt him.
Professor X Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I have told him that I feel like I have a lot more invested in this relationship than he does, but he gets angry (see a theme??). Yes, I see a theme. Has he always been so defensive/angry when it came to discussing important issues? Did you ask him if he really prefers to be mad at you rather than talking to you about those stuff? Did you emphasize to him that it's IMPORTANT for you to TALK about us stuff rather than broom them under the crap because of his defense mechanism? Communication is key in every RS and while I understand not everyone likes to talk to much (especially men) about those stuff, it is necessary to from time to time. And it sounds selfish, but I know it's going to hurt me more than it will hurt him. Well, isn't it selfish if he stays in his shell? Isn't it selfish if you're unsatisfied in bed? Of course, every RS has its own dynamics, and if you're super horny for example and he's super passive, than you should get off a lot by your own while he puts an extra effort to at least foreplay with you longer.
phillyfan Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Dude hes only 31 tht aint that old. U just want diffrent things, he aint ready 4 marryin, so its selfish of u 2 push, he aint ready for marryin, its selfish of him to make u wait. U want sex, he dont. U like to talk deep, he dont, u like studyin, he dont. U r mad cos he aint how u want him 2 b, n u r tryin 2 change him 2 b wat u want him 2 b. U need 2 love a dude how he is else he aint the right one. I dated a real smart girl like u once it didnt work out LOL we had amazin physical atraction & we had a crazy fun time, but i wanted 2 hang n hav fun wen she wantd 2 like, debate politics n go to operas or wateva, n tht aint me, it was impressiv she was smart but i just aint like that. Mind u we met up a while back and still ended up in bed wish the atraction was all it took else wed be togetha again now
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