My phone call to husband ruined everything..

[josephin]

I have been seeing a married guy for two years.He has been married for ten years but no kids at all.He has always promised to divorce his wife before letting me in as a second wife.He said they had an agrrement over it and the wife was aware.His wife has a problem as they hav been to various hospitals in vain.So the other day i had a problem and called him at night if he could help.i am single and stay far from him.Unfortunately his wife was around and it was chaotic trying to make her understand.Whatever went on i cant tell but the next minute the husband called me and warned me never to call him again.I was upset by that i needed his help seriously as i had no one to turn to.I took it anyway and warned him not to bother my life henceforth.Two days after he called me and apologised for the drama.On one occasion i met the wife she did not say a word to me though i was frozen,i told the husband he never seemed bothered.He wants me back again as he claims things are sour between them,he spends most of his time away from home and he just cant stop calling me.i loved him so i find it hard resisting his calls,texts and urge to see me.What do i do?i told him to look for a lastin solution that will be favourable to both of them as he is riskig my life but he says all he wants is to send his wife packing.am altogether confused as i do not know his wifes next move,i cant ruin their marriage its them to do it with me out of the picture.i regret everything as this is not the best for me i need to untie myself from this man.Do i go clear the air with his wife and further ask her to warn him for me or wll that complicate things?help asap.

[KathyM]

I have been seeing a married guy for two years.He has been married for ten years but no kids at all.He has always promised to divorce his wife before letting me in as a second wife.He said they had an agrrement over it and the wife was aware.His wife has a problem as they hav been to various hospitals in vain.So the other day i had a problem and called him at night if he could help.i am single and stay far from him.Unfortunately his wife was around and it was chaotic trying to make her understand.Whatever went on i cant tell but the next minute the husband called me and warned me never to call him again.I was upset by that i needed his help seriously as i had no one to turn to.I took it anyway and warned him not to bother my life henceforth.Two days after he called me and apologised for the drama.On one occasion i met the wife she did not say a word to me though i was frozen,i told the husband he never seemed bothered.He wants me back again as he claims things are sour between them,he spends most of his time away from home and he just cant stop calling me.i loved him so i find it hard resisting his calls,texts and urge to see me.What do i do?i told him to look for a lastin solution that will be favourable to both of them as he is riskig my life but he says all he wants is to send his wife packing.am altogether confused as i do not know his wifes next move,i cant ruin their marriage its them to do it with me out of the picture.i regret everything as this is not the best for me i need to untie myself from this man.Do i go clear the air with his wife and further ask her to warn him for me or wll that complicate things?help asap.

Don't try to build your life around someone who is not available for a normal relationship. You don't need this third wheel business. Dump the guy and find someone with good character who is available to be with you. Don't you think you deserve better? Two years is a long time to waste on someone who has not left his wife.

[Lis007]

He is married? and you know it... why are you seeing him through rose colored glasses? I know how much this hurts but you chose to go with a married man? why?

[visualbasicide]

"i cant ruin their marriage" He has already done that and you have helped. If the marriage was not an open one then every reason they got married has already been undermined.

 

I would really like to pull out the flame card but I won't make myself feel better at your expense because it would also undermine my own values so I will just say things this way, as have many before me.

 

If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. The WHOLE point of marriage is putting the other person first, which neither of you seem to have done in any facet of the relationship(s). There are a million excuses to try and justify why someone cheats and none of them hold any weight.

 

Two main factors contribute to the ultimate causes. Selfishness and fear. The latter one usually is a form of selfishness at its root unless there was abuse in the relationship. If he cared about anyone but himself he would have ended the marriage prior to betraying it.

 

Any decent person would have just ended their marriage first. "oh but they didn't want to hurt..." right. what they didnt want to do was face the responsibility of what they had done and lied to protect no one else but themselves.

 

Everything else aside, the other man or woman should really stop and think, if someone that displays these characteristics worthy a long term relationship. Apparently not. Knowing what you do, if he did leave her and marry you, how could you honestly ever seriously think that he wouldn't do the same thing to you?

 

It's all great and wonderful simply because it is an escape from reality, just like a drug or alcohol. Eventually the fuzzy feelings will go away and reality and responsibility will set in and what would that leave you with? Almost certainly the same situation the wife is in. The fairytale always fades.

 

If you want what you say you do in a relationship, then for your own sake, go NC and stay that way. Yes it is going to hurt, no you aren't going to stop thinking about him over night.

 

Having been divorced because of this scenario, I still sit around and think about my ex wife and even though she did these things it doesn't mean I love her less. I would love to wake up one day and have her at my door saying all the things I want to hear but ultimately I would be in the same situation you are. Really it just means that I know I deserve to be treated better.

 

You cannot fix a broken person and all that they can do is break someone else. It would be like trying to put a bandaid over a bullet wound. No amount of good intentions will change this.

 

If you really want a healthy long term relationship then break away and work on yourself. When you are happy being single, then find someone that compliments you and not "completes" you. The whole idea of marriage isn't taking two half people to make a whole one, it's taking two whole people to make something more.

 

A user here called homebrew has a phrase that I now love. "Hurt people, hurt people."

 

Right now they may or may not be hurting you, but eventually, they will. Those of us that understand this applies not only to others, but to ourselves as well, use this time in our life for self improvement and not self indulgence.

 

Ultimately you will do what you will do and nothing anyone else says or does will change it, I just hope the choice you make is for the right reasons and not something to fill some immediate need. Best of luck.