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Wondering if it's common for the MM come back AFTER they threw you under a bus...

Seraph1

By Seraph1
in The Other Man / Woman

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Seraph1 Established Member

Seraph1

Posted
Posted

I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

It happened in my instance. He decided he wouldn't leave after all, he stayed and we weren't in touch. His wife was not IN THE LEAST pushing for a divorce. She always, always wanted him to stay, without exception. But life just got worse and worse for him. He realised he'd made the wrong decision by not leaving, so he left.

Elizabeth Southerns Established Member

Elizabeth Southerns

Posted
Posted
I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

 

There are many such stories on LS. Usually the MP waits a little until the dust settles after "D-Day" and then resumes contact once more.

shayla Established Member

shayla

Posted
Posted

He would have one time to throw me under the bus and he would be finished. I don't care what he does or doesn't decide to do, it is about what I want once he makes that decision, humph.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
He would have one time to throw me under the bus and he would be finished. I don't care what he does or doesn't decide to do, it is about what I want once he makes that decision, humph.

 

It should always be about what you want :)

East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted
I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

They always come back but to resume the A only.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

Oh yes. My xMW came back even 1 year after the bus accident and trying reconciliation with her H (her words) - she had the nerve to tell me that she is still trying to fix her M. All she wanted was resuming the A.

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

 

Even when it happens, there is a timing problem. It may take years for a MM/MW to decide to divorce and by that time, often the AP has already moved on.

 

Besides there is so much hurt and pain inflicted on the AP that many of them simply don't want t be with the MM/MW anymore. There are also a lot of trust issues. How can you trust again someone that threw you under the bus ?

Elizabeth Southerns Established Member

Elizabeth Southerns

Posted
Posted
It should always be about what you want :)

 

In any R, not just an A.

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

Posted
Posted
There are many such stories on LS. Usually the MP waits a little until the dust settles after "D-Day" and then resumes contact once more.

 

 

I agree with Eliz. Always comes back after the dust settles.

 

Essentially the OW/OM usually always are the ones who actually put a total end to the A. Not in all cases, just most. Usually the MM or MW will continue to have the A forever, if the OW/OM will allow it.

 

Thus, the OW/OM really do in the end hold the cards on if they wish for it to end. However, it will always be just an A. Typically, they still will not leave. And in a lot of cases the H or W will actually dig their heels in deeper to get them to stay. Most people have a problem with feeling like they are being "replaced" by another. In some cases it throws that good old competitive feeling into the mix.

TurningTables Established Member

TurningTables

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi all. xMM has not come back. I have been in NC for six solid weeks ( a record for me!! YAY!!) havent seen him since the end of May.

 

So time will tell if he comes back or not. And trust me, Im ready for it. :mad:

 

OH and BTW: I dont know for sure if he threw me under the bus.

Edited by TurningTables
forgot to add
wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

Posted
Posted
Hi all. xMM has not come back. I have been in NC for six solid weeks ( a record for me!! YAY!!) havent seen him since the end of May.

 

So time will tell if he comes back or not. And trust me, Im ready for it. :mad:

 

OH and BTW: I dont know for sure if he threw me under the bus.

 

Congrats TT!!! That is awesome!!! 6 Weeks is a long time, and it feels so good when you break a record.

 

So, you have done NC before? Since you said a record, I only figured you had tried it prior. Was it you or him that came back, in the past, if so?

 

And I must ask.... what are you ready for? Him not coming back? Or him coming back??? You know, either way can be fun. :)

skylarblue Established Member

skylarblue

Posted
Posted

MM never opened the option to come back. He never threw me under the bus on dday. He basically refused to get me involve or discuss things about me. I’d fully expected him to and then try to come back, but I guess I was lucky. He is “trying” to “reconcile” although he continues to see me, but I don’t think he will ever D her and I don’t believe she will D him. So, even though we are still together, I’m not sitting around waiting for him to “choose”.

TurningTables Established Member

TurningTables

Posted
Posted
Congrats TT!!! That is awesome!!! 6 Weeks is a long time, and it feels so good when you break a record.

 

So, you have done NC before? Since you said a record, I only figured you had tried it prior. Was it you or him that came back, in the past, if so?

 

And I must ask.... what are you ready for? Him not coming back? Or him coming back??? You know, either way can be fun. :)

 

 

WB: Yes. We have done NC before. We were best friends for a long time before any romantic feelings came into play. It started to creep up on me last April. We talked and decided to just "go on as normal". At the end of May, we knew where we were headed. The last night I saw him, if I hadnt sent him home, a PA would have happen. *I* decided to end it because I couldnt go there. I lasted three weeks the first time and he lasted about 4 the second time. Then, DDay happen with my family and his work, which now brings me to the solid 6 weeks of NC.

 

As to being ready: We attend the same college together. If he contacts me or if I run into him, I am ready to keep walking. I hope that the strength Ive gotten from these wonderful women here and knowing Im better than what he can give me, to keep silent. ;) It will be my BIG test. lol

wannabdone Established Member

wannabdone

Posted
Posted
WB: Yes. We have done NC before. We were best friends for a long time before any romantic feelings came into play. It started to creep up on me last April. We talked and decided to just "go on as normal". At the end of May, we knew where we were headed. The last night I saw him, if I hadnt sent him home, a PA would have happen. *I* decided to end it because I couldnt go there. I lasted three weeks the first time and he lasted about 4 the second time. Then, DDay happen with my family and his work, which now brings me to the solid 6 weeks of NC.

 

As to being ready: We attend the same college together. If he contacts me or if I run into him, I am ready to keep walking. I hope that the strength Ive gotten from these wonderful women here and knowing Im better than what he can give me, to keep silent. ;) It will be my BIG test. lol

 

 

Oh my word!!! Prayers and love for strength!!!

 

That will be hard.

 

So, D day with your family? Your M, he isn't? or his W just didn't find out. Sorry for all the questions. :)

 

I'm proud of you. It takes a big person to walk away from something bad, when the hearts involved.

 

I pray that I will have strength, if my xMM comes back. I don't think he will tho. I haven't stroked his ego the last few times, so I am of no good to him apparently when I am not doing that.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted
I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

 

The question to me is not do they come back but do they come back with something you want. If they come back when the dust settles and you are the OW again and you wanted more is that enough for you?

 

if they come back and you are OK with being the OW again that is another story. A minority of the people posting here are happy being the OW long term. Some but a minority. So it depends on what you want. Sometimes they come back after throwing you under the bus and it works out but that is rarer than rare.

Gentlegirl Established Member

Gentlegirl

Posted
Posted
There are many such stories on LS. Usually the MP waits a little until the dust settles after "D-Day" and then resumes contact once more.

 

The xMMs usually smooth things over with the W and then resume the A

 

What kind of husband would he make? .... manipulating his wife so he could go back to an A and not even giving her an opportunity to know the truth about her life.

 

Gentlegirl

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Seraph1 Established Member

Seraph1

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Posted

Thank you for your veiws. I think that it puts a lot into perspective for me. :o I've been reading a lot of stories about MM/MW coming back to resume an A with the OW/OM who gave them their marching orders... but stories of being thrown under a bus to attempt reconciliation with the W/H and then coming back to the AP have clearly escaped my reading and I apologise for this.

 

I asked this question because I have been reading the Infidelity Threads and how important it is to be open and honest in reconciliation. However, if the MM/MW is running back to the AP I am curious why 'second chances' are so important.

 

I know that there are lots of lies flying around during an A for both the BS and the OW/OM. However, it seems to me that BOTH the BS and OW/OM should seriously be looking at the WS WITHOUT hopes of reconciliation once there is a repeat performance. :o Yet, I'm seeing a lot of BS and OW/OM on LS AND in real life accept this situation when it has not changed for any party. Particularly when we have all agreed that it is rarer than rare for an WS to come back to the AP and D his BS.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thank you for your veiws. I think that it puts a lot into perspective for me. :o I've been reading a lot of stories about MM/MW coming back to resume an A with the OW/OM who gave them their marching orders... but stories of being thrown under a bus to attempt reconciliation with the W/H and then coming back to the AP have clearly escaped my reading and I apologise for this.

 

I asked this question because I have been reading the Infidelity Threads and how important it is to be open and honest in reconciliation. However, if the MM/MW is running back to the AP I am curious why 'second chances' are so important.

 

I know that there are lots of lies flying around during an A for both the BS and the OW/OM. However, it seems to me that BOTH the BS and OW/OM should seriously be looking at the WS WITHOUT hopes of reconciliation once there is a repeat performance. :o Yet, I'm seeing a lot of BS and OW/OM on LS AND in real life accept this situation when it has not changed for any party. Particularly when we have all agreed that it is rarer than rare for an WS to come back to the AP and D his BS.

 

Soo very true!

 

Whether one is a BS or an OW or an OW turned Betrayed OW after dday...it all boils down to the fact that everything isn't rosy and this person has SHOWN YOU some very questionable behavior. Neither BS nor OW are in a better position, as they have both found themselves with a man of questionable merit at this point.

 

I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, or that if a MP leaves to be with the OP, that it HAS to turn out horribly. But I do believe that there is no smoke without fire and that if one did end up finding that this person is a repeat offender...it would be less than shocking. Therefore, IMO, one who finds herself/himself with a cheater, has to make an informed and wise judgment call about whether or not this was truly some crazy anomaly and this person has learned from...or better yet...to use a term I despise because of this board....this MP/AP is now "reformed" OR is it just a part of their nature or style of doing things and there is little reason to believe they won't continue this behavior.

 

Assessing change or rather, willingness to put in work to change is important. You need transparency, accountability and CONSISTENCY while on the road to reconciliation, and for those who plan to resume an A hoping for better or resume a marriage looking for better, but there is no sustained evidence that anything is being done differently by this person...are probably in for disappointment. I do believe second chances are POSSIBLE, but take a lot of work, self evaluation and readiness, which if aren't present, it makes no sense IMO to proceed.

 

For the BS: this person crying, throwing the OW under the bus , saying sorry etc means nothing without transparency, accountability and consistency in keeping up whatever reconciliation agreement is made.

 

For the OW: this person reappearing after dday, crying, saying they truly love you and whatever else, means absolutely nothing if they are still trying to appease their wife and are making no effort to do anything differently (besides maybe be more inconspicuous), no plans to leave, then it means nothing.

Edited by MissBee
TurningTables Established Member

TurningTables

Posted
Posted
Oh my word!!! Prayers and love for strength!!!

 

That will be hard.

 

So, D day with your family? Your M, he isn't? or his W just didn't find out. Sorry for all the questions. :)

 

I'm proud of you. It takes a big person to walk away from something bad, when the hearts involved.

 

I pray that I will have strength, if my xMM comes back. I don't think he will tho. I haven't stroked his ego the last few times, so I am of no good to him apparently when I am not doing that.

 

 

 

Thank you for the encouragment! Right back at ya! ;) He is M and I am in the middle of a separation/divorce. My M has been dead a long time. Anyways, The dday happen because we were stupid. lol He works with my brother in law and I brought him dinner one night while "out" in the field working. Some of his co workers saw me and made some comments. My bro in law knew it was me because of the car description ( he wasent actually there)Then the rumors flew. The last I heard is that xMM told me that day my sister confronted me was that he already told his W about me, then proceeded to ask me about a stupid book author. He probably threw me under the bus. I dont know for sure. :rolleyes:

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

 

Many do try to get the OW back into an affair; and many succeed. Sometimes it takes a while after the resuming of the affair for an OW to realize nothing has changed, they still sneak around, it is still an affair and he still isn't leaving. Some OW take the bait when the MM comes fishing, some don't.

 

Hi all. xMM has not come back. I have been in NC for six solid weeks ( a record for me!! YAY!!) havent seen him since the end of May.

 

So time will tell if he comes back or not. And trust me, Im ready for it. :mad:

 

OH and BTW: I dont know for sure if he threw me under the bus.

 

You are doing great!!! KEEP IT UP!!! :)

TurboGirl Established Member

TurboGirl

Posted
Posted

Only to start up the A again.

 

Maybe they haven't met anyone as cute as you are, and want to have a little fun... and the xMM is hoping that your self esteem is still in the toilet, and that you will have some pity sex with him.

 

Some MM are so egotistical and self centered...

 

Seriously... why on earth would you take him back if he threw you under the bus??!!!:confused:

Gentlegirl Established Member

Gentlegirl

Posted
Posted

He wasn't honest to his W about Dday.

 

Told her some bull**** story about a woman who had a crush on him and wouldn't stop phoning. Crap because I didn't phone him he phoned me. he minimised the situation as much as possible. I was just"some weird woman who wouldn't leave him alone".

He had no intention of reconciliation.... just pacifying the W long enough to cover his sorry butt.

 

Must have worked becasue as some of you will know, he found me on my dating website and is viewing my profile each day. Obviously he is lookg for another affair.

 

Gentlegirl.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
He wasn't honest to his W about Dday.

 

Told her some bull**** story about a woman who had a crush on him and wouldn't stop phoning. Crap because I didn't phone him he phoned me. he minimised the situation as much as possible. I was just"some weird woman who wouldn't leave him alone".

He had no intention of reconciliation.... just pacifying the W long enough to cover his sorry butt.

 

Must have worked becasue as some of you will know, he found me on my dating website and is viewing my profile each day. Obviously he is lookg for another affair.

 

Gentlegirl.

 

GG, your post speaks volumes to all that is wrong when a BS buys into the gaslighting, (and why shouldn't she? She has loved and trusted him for a long time) and the status quo is quickly returned to normal.

 

NOTHING HAS FORCED THE CHEATER TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR.

 

Often, after DDAY, the WS is gripped with fear for being caught, not for having done anything wrong. There are no consequences.

 

So he goes home, drops contact with the AP, appeases or gaslights the BS, lays low until he is confident she is convinced of his bs story, the status quo returns, he won't lose all.....

 

and then he grows bored and contacts the AP to see if she is still available to provide the thrill in his life he is not willing to provide for his own marriage.

 

He will tell her anything and everything to get back the thrill. He will look her up on social networking sites to fantasize about the thrill he once had.

 

Does he truly care about the OW's feelings? Of course not. He cares about the way she made HIM feel, not the feelings of the woman.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish....and cowardly too, IMO.

 

You want a better, happier life? You have to make it happen for you and stop USING people and toying with their emotions to get your rush of adrenaline and testosterone!

 

Post pictures of you and a new man on these sites.

 

It is time for a real smackdown. Do it.

Severely Unamused Established Member

Severely Unamused

Posted
Posted

I never placed myself in any position to be thrown under a bus. Although, I did occasionally throw some MMs under a bus (at least in their eyes).

 

My experience is the same as rest here. If a d-day occurred, the majority of my MMs would resume contact after the dust had settled, likely continuing to gaslight their BWs. In cases where there were multiple d-days, I would say that the BWs simply turned a blind eye to their husband's actions.

 

I think that my past has made me overly-pessimistic when the chance for reconciliation with my own WH came. A depressing thought.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
Only to start up the A again.

 

Maybe they haven't met anyone as cute as you are, and want to have a little fun... and the xMM is hoping that your self esteem is still in the toilet, and that you will have some pity sex with him.

 

Some MM are so egotistical and self centered...

 

Seriously... why on earth would you take him back if he threw you under the bus??!!!:confused:

 

He may not be egotistical and self-centered. He may just be addicted to the way she made him feel about himself. Her sweet adoring eyes boosting his ego.

 

But be careful: That doesn't necessarily mean he is addicted to the woman! Even though he is saying all the right romantic words! He will SAY ANYTHING to have that feeling again.

 

If there is anything I know of men, they WILL move mountains to claim you for their own!

 

Why? They can't fathom another man claiming you for his own. Men are very primal and territorial when they want a woman. Cannot share! Will not risk losing you to another man. Want to wrap you up with a bow as soon as they can.

 

Actions, actions, actions, are all that one should assess in a man!

 

Raise your degree of difficulty! Have and make demands on them. Don't be so nice, accommodating, submissive to their wants and desires all the time. Men are not women. Stop thinking that. Get angry and tell him directly how he is failing you.

 

Have your own wants and desires. Enforce your boundaries. Set your timeline, your line drawn in the sand and then make sure you enforce it.

 

He respects that more. Start thinking like a man thinks. Get tough. Get independent. Become a diva.

 

Stop making it all about him; his feelings, his failing marriage, his unhappiness. He will relish all your attention and sympathy. He will love and rely upon it, but after awhile he will not respect you.

 

I have many older brothers. I know how they think. They like the sweet, kind girl. But they chased the independent, strong, maybe I can never have her woman.

 

Be that woman.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
I never placed myself in any position to be thrown under a bus. Although, I did occasionally throw some MMs under a bus (at least in their eyes).

 

My experience is the same as rest here. If a d-day occurred, the majority of my MMs would resume contact after the dust had settled, likely continuing to gaslight their BWs. In cases where there were multiple d-days, I would say that the BWs simply turned a blind eye to their husband's actions.

 

I think that my past has made me overly-pessimistic when the chance for reconciliation with my own WH came. A depressing thought.

 

My fWH tried that for a while. I immediately threw him out (AGAIN!) when I discovered additional contact and told him to go get her.

 

I gave him carte blanche to be with his soulmate. I refused to be his default choice, ever.

 

Doubt he ever told her that. How sad for her. I truly mean that.

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