lulu2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 How do you know when reconciliation after affair is the right thing to do? Looking for advice from BS's that seeked out reconciliation after affair. How did you decided that it was something that you wanted to do? How did it happen for you? I have been told that reconciliation can be worth every painful moment but at the same time can go extremely wrong.
Kidd Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I think you just have to decide if they are worth a second chance. My W was completely remorseful, stopped the affair on a dime, has been completely non-resistant to transparency, never fails to answer questions, etc.. This is still ridiculously hard. Not sure I could have done it any other way. My W's A was LTPA which just kills me. Wish it had just been a drunken one-nighter. But those folks don't feel any better. For me, I'm convinced we'll have a good marriage after this. Serious soul-searching. I'm sure every situation is different. As far as BSs go, I feel like one of the fortunate ones. Don't think many of these turn out well. Still not 100% it will. That's probably the hardest part. To do it right, you have to trust again.
drifter777 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 For me the decision boiled down to my fear of living alone, my strong desire to live with my young son, and my belief that reconciliation would ease the pain she had caused me. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, none of these reasons was worth the years of pain (mostly self inflicted) I lived through and would never attempt to reconcile if I had it to do over again. But that's just me.
Linda9999 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) I had to go to counseling to know. He had to reinforce my decision every day by doing everything right, and he still does, 1 1/2 years past Dday. It is SO hard, I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone, but I am growing more confident every day that I made the right decision. I think what it boils down to is whether you would want to be with the person if they hadn't done what they'd done, and if you can start to trust them again. You have to know you'd be fine without them, but still want to be with them. I don't know that you have to fully trust them ever again, but you have to be able to build the trust up again over time, even if it may never reach that 100% mark again. Edited September 7, 2011 by Linda9999
silktricks Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I loved him. But, that said, I didn't "pursue" reconciliation - he did. If he hadn't been relentless in his desire to "fix" us, and willing to put up with my YEARS of crying, we wouldn't now be happily married. But, there are no easy answers. Reconciliation is very difficult for both partners. There must be deep love to be able to see it through.
nyrias2 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I had to go to counseling to know. He had to reinforce my decision every day by doing everything right, and he still does, 1 1/2 years past Dday. It is SO hard, I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone, but I am growing more confident every day that I made the right decision. I think what it boils down to is whether you would want to be with the person if they hadn't done what they'd done, and if you can start to trust them again. You have to know you'd be fine without them, but still want to be with them. I don't know that you have to fully trust them ever again, but you have to be able to build the trust up again over time, even if it may never reach that 100% mark again. U don't need a 100% trust to live with someone .. or even have fun.
reboot Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I think what it boils down to is whether you would want to be with the person if they hadn't done what they'd done, I think this says it all. That was my reason for trying.
Severely Unamused Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I would suggest giving yourself some more time before making a decision. My MC recommended 3-6 months. This is a big step. I was in your shoes less than a month ago. I technically didn't go with reconciliation, so this may not be what you want to hear: I decided within a week that it wasn't worth it. I think that in my case, reconciliation was possible...my husband was humble, contrite, and understanding. Certainly less of a donkey than many other WSs. Instead I opted for a sort of pseudo-reconciliation. Working out the problems in our relationship while also ending it. It takes a lot of introspection from both the BS and WS. You both need to swallow your pride. In any case, take your time.
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