gbadboy Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Ive posted here before but wanted some insight. This is in regards to a gay relationshp btw, but they are exactly the same as str8. We have the same struggles , same love, and same pain ultimately. My ex and I broke up in Feb but we maintained a weird "friendship" thing. Weird b/c we were single, yet he was coming over almost every day and we'd hang out etc. Nothing intimate of course - just regular hangout. This friendship thing went on for 2 months and during the course of the time, I hooked up with several people. He eventually found out about these things and accused me of cheating. I thought that was unfair given we were not together. In any event, we slowly decided to rebuild a friendship (he said he could never be with me again though) except this time we would only hang out in social groups. Note** he developed friendships with all of my friends during our relationship in addition to developing friendships with my own brothers, which has complicated matters and you will discover below. Anyway , in July we went out for his bday and he was drunk dancing very vulgarly with his xbf right in front of my face and I thought that was disrespectful as he knew i was standing right there. So I left the club. I was angry the next day but he asked for forgiveness - and to come out the following night. And while I didnt really totally forgive (as i still had anger/jealousy in me), I still went out with him that night for his 2nd bday party. We had a great time and I tried to show everyone a good time for his bday. Bought food, drinks etc. and this isn't about money......this is about me trying whatever i could to make his night special, even though i was still annoyed. He is close to one particular friend of mine and the day after the bday incident, my friend asked him to "follow" his heart and give me another chance and to ask me out again and forget the past. My ex hesitated but decided to ask me out and when he did - I rejected him because I was upset over the bday incident. He was furious that I rejected him and I took a week off and went to my parents place to reflect and get over stuff. 5 days later I called him back to work it out and by then he said NO.....he said I had my chance and I screwed up, so its done for good. Since then I have been completely devestated. In retrospect, I realize I should have never rejected him over that bday incident. I made a mistake, I was emotional at the time and made a judgement based on emotion rather than logic. I told him I was sorry and wanted us to work it out but he said , "Why should I take you back now that you are ready when last week, I asked you out and you said NO?" "Why should I know take you back now that YOU are ready?" I see his point. He took the anger to a different level and was quite rude on the phone. I accept that. He said he followed his heart and I walked over it. I get it. The next few weeks I attempted the usual texting/phone calls etc to no avail. The complicated part was he spent most of his time hanging with my friend in particular to fill that void. They would hang and party all the time. And sometimes id bump into him at social events, but my ex would completely ignore me. I tried to get my same friend to try to talk to him again, and when my friend did - my ex blamed him for everything (the rejection and pain) and said, he cannot do this with me. After a while, I accepted it. But what hurts is that he is so close to my friend. At times I have asked my friend to choose between him and I, but now that I think about it, I'm kind of the one that hurt my ex, so why should I now try to rally my friend away from him? My ex doesn't have his own friends - (what little he does are not positive ppl). My friends however have tried to help us in the right diretion through our relationship so i think he grew close to that. Well, its been hell on earth for me. I dont sleep, I hardly eat, I cry most of the time and I obbesses over him constantly. I recently found out that he has been having problems with his dad and they kind of kicked him out the house (he is 23) , so he's been staying at my friend's place. I dont know the details why he's having family problems, but my friend does - though I dont want to ask as its personal. I won't lie, it does kind of bother me that my ex is staying at my friends place for a while, especially since they have to share the same bed. But I trust my friend. Though I felt I had to ask if anything was going on, and my friend said "No! Why would u think that? I feel sorry for him and he has no one etc.". There is a 15yr age difference between my ex and my friend - so I think my ex looks to him more so as an older brother. Plus, its part of my ex's personality to attach himself to ppl who are nice to him. Eg. once while we were dating, he met my brother 1 night and the next weekend , he spent the entire weekend with him. Thats just how he is. Anyway Despite him and I not talking - he still contacts my brothers and invites them out, even though he can't stand me! It's kind of werid, but im glad he keeps in touch with them as its a reminder of me to him, i think. So, fast foward to this past Saturday.......I ended up at my friends place Sat morning and my ex was there. I wanted to speak to him and end all this animosity we have between us. I was shocked b/c for the first time in 2 months we had a great cordial conversation- no arguing or yelling. He bascially told me that it hurt him when he found out I hooked up with ppl, even though I was single at the time, it hurt him to find that stuff out. He told me to see it from his point of view and that if the tables were turned, i wouldnt like it either. I accept that. He also said, he still went out on a limb to ask me out and I rejected him and to him that was the last straw. I explained to him, why I rejected him at the time (i.e. what he was doin with his ex), but he felt it wasn't valid enough. I have promised my ex the world - told him to give me a final chance, that I would give up my facebook accounts,give him my phone - etc. etc. etc. I tried to even get at least a friendship out of him but he told my friend that he cannot be my friend right now because he's afraid doing that will get him "sucked" back into me. So he needs to keep his distance. But in time we could be friends. I see his point. Anyway, our conversation continued and I realized that the more I apolgoized and stop making excuses, the more he came around....I told him i should have never allowed my emotions to "reject" you and that i need to work on that. Things got better, in fact, we started to slowly joke around with each other. I cried at times, we laughed, and at the same time we argued. He told me he is very very very upset with me and that i trampled all over his heart. WHen I told him i loved him he said "i dont think u do. I think u love the fact that im cool with ur friends and family, but thats it". I told him -NO. there is more to that. He told me that the ex i was mad about he'd never do stuff with b/c he loved me. The convo continued sayin he thinks I should get some help and to fix myself. I won't lie, I feel kind of jealous he is staying at my friends place for a while........and while I wanna ask if anything is going on - I already asked my friend that and he said no..... still im so paranoid, its my personality. But i know had we been together, it would be my place he'd be at . He has no where else to go and he's close with my friend. In summary, he is unable to be my friend right now as he is too hurt. And that he has his own relationships with my friends seperate from me. He said in time we could work on a friendship. Long story short, he asked me to stay over at my friends place that night and that we could talk more tomorrow and because he wanted me and him to help our friend's ex/room mate pack his things as he was moving out. And while I wanted so bad to stay just to see more of my ex, it would have been so awkward. [WARNING MUSHY MUSHY PART] So we hugged good bye.........and we were in my friends bedroom alone and he just began to stare at me, stare stare stare for a few mintues and i kept lookin away. I could tell he was hurt and he was processing stuff in his mind. And we hugged good bye and of course, I broke down big time.......told him im sorry for everything and that he means so much to me. I told him ive been i absolute punishiment these past 2 months and no im not nor have met anyone. He really embraced me for the first time in 2 months,i could feel the love. He kept asking me if im ok and he called me his "puppy dog" and he held my own face at times , starred at me and then wiped my tears from my face using his hands and then pulled me back into him to hug tight. I really thought that was sweet! I told him that I love him and this time he replied, "I know". I was glad he said this b/c at least he knows I do in fact love him, despite his anger. So I left and went home. Next day I fought myself but ended up texting him to say "Thank you for last night. It meant the world to me to see you again. Love you". I honestly didnt think he'd reply back especially using the words "love u" , but suprisingly he did saying " NP. How is everything? How are your brothers?" Trust me, this has been a big improvement because 2 months ago, he would ignore me in public and walk away and never reply to any of my messages! It happend to be my bro's bday so I invited him and my friend out last minute to a bbq and while I knew it was a stretch for him to come only cuz we now just got on cool terms- i still gave it a shot. I thought he would decline, but he said to ask my friend first - call him and ask him , and I suppose if my friend is down to come, then my ex will come with. It so happens my friend didnt get back to me, so plans fell through. Anyway, it wasn't something i was expecting. So my questions are this. What do I do now? I really thought I could try to be his friend - but hanging with him on Saturday and finally being able to break some of that anger down,and hence be able to joke around with him, made me realize that its gonna be real tough to be his friend when that time comes. Bottome line, I still love him and I get get jealous still of his every move. For god sakes, im jealous that he's staying at my own friends place! Keep in mind, I encourage my brothers to keep friends with him as they are my brothers and he genuinely likes them and misses him, and vice versa. My brothers would have a friendship with him seperate from me, and im not askin them to intervene - just to be his friend as they all like each other. I'm thinking what I should do is go NC and not try to rebuild our friendship (which he too isn't ready for yet). Im thinking that when the time comes for him to be my friend, should I not even take that? I want more than his friendship,and if i cant have him as a bf, then I should just keep my distance and cutt it off. The thing is, if I do go NC on him, I will need to cut everything associated with him off - including my friend he's staying at. While that will hurt, it would hurt me 100x more hanging with a friend who i know has my ex staying by him. While im grateful for all my friend has done, and while i know my ex has no where else to go, i really hope and pray boundaries aren't crossed - even though my friend has said that wouldn't happen and that they are friends and that he is more so looking out for my ex.........my friend is 15 years older - and honeslty it would be so weird if they hooked up, plus if they did that would destroy their already built friendship (not they were kind of msn buddies before my ex even met me, so tech they knew each other before my ex met me) What do you guys think? Do I go NC and cut all ties and ppl off? I believe if I dont go NC, im going to be obbsessive over this and be jealous everytime i hear him hanging at my friends or stayin there. Do you think my ex still has feelings for me given the above but that its buried under anger?
Recommended Posts