I can't believe I'm here

[hurtandalone]

Hi! I can't really believe I am in the position that I find myself. I am in my early 50's and have been married and divorced 2 times. Each marriage ended with my husbands leaving to be with and marry the women they were having an affair with. So I thought I would never do that, but I have hooked up with someone I went to high school with a million years ago. He is married with two grown children. He lives a few hours away from me. We have just been emailing, texting and talking on the phone. That is all except for a brief moment that I saw him, so we haven't actually had an "affair". But we have talked about things we would like to do and try to get together. But he told me today that his children confronted him and asked if he was having an affair with someone. They told him they would tell their mother, his wife, if he didn't stop. He says they found his text messages and some emails. So he said he wanted to cool it till it died down. I have known this person since 7th grade. It is just hard to believe he would lie to me, even though I know that he could be. He says he's not happy with his wife. He told me this when we first started talking, and like I said we were just good friends in school. We never dated. And it seems we just fell into such a comfortable and happy relationship. He says he would leave her but his kids would disown him. Should I have any hope that he will ever leave her? I really have fallen head over hills in love with him and actually realize that I really loved him back in school. And I know he loved me back then too. We were just too scared to let the other know. Then when we graduated he went off to college and never moved back and we lost complete touch with each other. We reconnected about 2 or 3 months ago. Thanks for listening. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. My best friend said he was just playing me, but of course I don't want to hear that, even though he may be.

[country_gurl]

Hi! I can't really believe I am in the position that I find myself. I am in my early 50's and have been married and divorced 2 times. Each marriage ended with my husbands leaving to be with and marry the women they were having an affair with. So I thought I would never do that, but I have hooked up with someone I went to high school with a million years ago. He is married with two grown children. He lives a few hours away from me. We have just been emailing, texting and talking on the phone. That is all except for a brief moment that I saw him, so we haven't actually had an "affair". But we have talked about things we would like to do and try to get together. But he told me today that his children confronted him and asked if he was having an affair with someone. They told him they would tell their mother, his wife, if he didn't stop. He says they found his text messages and some emails. So he said he wanted to cool it till it died down. I have known this person since 7th grade. It is just hard to believe he would lie to me, even though I know that he could be. He says he's not happy with his wife. He told me this when we first started talking, and like I said we were just good friends in school. We never dated. And it seems we just fell into such a comfortable and happy relationship. He says he would leave her but his kids would disown him. Should I have any hope that he will ever leave her? I really have fallen head over hills in love with him and actually realize that I really loved him back in school. And I know he loved me back then too. We were just too scared to let the other know. Then when we graduated he went off to college and never moved back and we lost complete touch with each other. We reconnected about 2 or 3 months ago. Thanks for listening. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. My best friend said he was just playing me, but of course I don't want to hear that, even though he may be.

 

Just curious; if his children are "grown", does he claim they still live at home or not? If they don't I would wonder how they would have access to his phone and email.

 

If he's telling you that he'd leave her BUT that his children would disown him, I think that's pretty much him telling you that he'll never leave his wife.

[wannabdone]

Hi HA....

 

First off, I am so sorry!! I know the pain you are feeling right now and I hate that anyone would have to go through that.

 

So, I know you said you were married before, are you married as well? How is you and your H's marriage if you are? Do you have children? Are they with your current H? I was wondering about CG said, do this children live in his house?

 

I hate to tell you, but he told you the answer, he won't leave. So I will probably say he won't. They very seldom do.

 

What is going on though with those black mailing kids of his??? Do you really think that his kids are like that? That they will go to their authority figure and basically put him in line???? I mean, I guess it could be the case.... but if it is, they seem to have been raised with very little respect for him. I can not imagine coming to my mother and telling her what she was gonna do or else. If that is the dynamic of his house, girl ..... he's got more problems than he can shake a stick at.

 

So how did the two of you come to meet again? You said you emailed and texted, can I ask what they entailed? Just friendship stuff? Talking about the old times? Or more about how you two were now and what you wanted for the future?

 

Can you just give me a little more detail. I"m sorry, I know its a lot. I just hate it when people start giving advise or support and don't know as much 411 as possible. You know?

 

And by the way.... you have come to right place!!! So welcome!!

[bentnotbroken]

Well if you don't want to hear that he is playing games, what do you want to hear?

 

• That you are different than the women who did the same thing to you?
  
• That his children and wife won't get pissed and make his life(and quite possibly yours) hell?
  
• Do you want to hear that you deserve to be with him(you do by the way)?
  
• What do you want to hear, that he is only letting things cool down because he really does want to be with you(confrontation means he is free to leave and be with you, psst...he isn't with you. He told you to cool your jets until he feels comfortable enough to get around to you again.
  
• Do you want to hear that the boy you knew in 7th grade grew into a cheating man who isn't in 7th grade anymore even though he may behave that way?
  
• Do you want to hear that maybe he is telling you the same drivel that the two boyz you married told their OW? How did it feel to be left for those OW?
  
• Do you want to hear that because you haven't had sex yet you aren't having an affair ( you are having an EA), enough for his children to get suspicious and confront him(which means he is ridiculously clueless about hiding things or he is being watched because this isn't his first rodeo.)
  

Exactly what do you want to hear again?

[TurboGirl]

Ouch.

 

How old are his children? Obviously he is not too good at being secretive.

 

Honestly... this does not sound promising to me, and I think it would be waayyy much more trouble that it would be worth to even bother with this guy. I think he's looking for some fun on the side and planning on staying married. Pretty easy, since you live far away - he can ditch you when he's had enough. Sorry to be cold, but just the way I see it.

 

If you are feeling not to happy at this point with the way he is behaving, its only going to get worse as time progresses. Seriouly, I would just leave it, he doesn't even live close to you. Find someone single who is truly available. They ARE out there you know.

[whichwayisup]

I have known this person since 7th grade

 

Really? He's been in your every day life for 40+ years? You know his wife and kids? Socialized in the past? did he know your two ex husbands? If no, then you do not know this man, who he is today. you know him from your past, many moons ago.

 

You know the pain first hand, twice, of what an affair does and the heartache involved. Why on earth would you want to inflict that on another woman and help bust up a family unit?

 

Find a single guy and date, have fun. Don't go after married men, you'll get burned, as you're finding out now.

[Lucky_One]

If I was a married guy in my 50's and looking at retirement, I definitely wouldn't leave my marriage for a two-three month online thing. Divorce and make my children, family, friends upset? Divorce and give at least half of our marital assets/retirement accounts/home equity away? Divorce and then have to move into an apartment with some Corelle-ware and Wal-Mart cutlery? Not me.

 

You don't even know each other. I don't care if you are talking on the phone 10 hours a day and IM'ing 6, with a 8 hour break to work, eat and pee. You do NOT know someone in that length of time.

 

Wonder if he felt like you were getting in too deep and wanting more than he was ever thinking of giving you, and so he manufactured the story of his older kids invading his emails and going through his cell phone?

[hurtandalone]

I have been single for about 12 years. Was busy raising my children.. My youngest is 17. His 2 kids are in college. They went away on a family vacation this past weekend. That's when they confronted him. I haven't been around him at all for years. Just started talking about old times. We were really good friends in ms and hs. And then we lost touch for a pretty long time. He is the one that started telling me that he and his wife both had demanding jobs and that they just didn't really do anything together any more. But that he was really close to his girls and he would do any thing for them. That he had thought of leaving but he didn't want to do that to them. I know I deserve all of these harsh words but it just really hurts, because we have been able to talk about everything.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't yours to take.

 

Please, don't go for this guy, it's more trouble than it's worth.

 

Can you look your own children in the eye and tell them you're now having an affair with MM, after them seeing you in pain after 2 divorces due to infidelity?

 

Think with your head, not your heart and emotions.

[bentnotbroken]

I have been single for about 12 years. Was busy raising my children.. My youngest is 17. His 2 kids are in college. They went away on a family vacation this past weekend. That's when they confronted him. I haven't been around him at all for years. Just started talking about old times. We were really good friends in ms and hs. And then we lost touch for a pretty long time. He is the one that started telling me that he and his wife both had demanding jobs and that they just didn't really do anything together any more. But that he was really close to his girls and he would do any thing for them. That he had thought of leaving but he didn't want to do that to them. I know I deserve all of these harsh words but it just really hurts, because we have been able to talk about everything.

 

 

His girls are in college. If he is that unhappy, they will be pissed for awhile, but they will move on. Another woman, and you said they had your text and emails, meaning they know who you are...don't be surprised if you get a more than a little heat.

[hurtandalone]

I know my kids would not like the idea of me being involved with him.. but he is the first man in all the time I have been single that I have thought I could be happy with. I know I have to get past this. I've gotten over men before, but this seems harder than my divorces. And both of my husbands married "the other woman".

[country_gurl]

My guess is...................you're not the first woman he's been having an affair with, even if this one was only an emotional affair. I suspect that's why his daughters were even snooping through his communications in the first place, because he's got a history of this kind of thing and they 'know the signs.'

 

It is never ever a good idea to get to communicating and 'catching up' with someone from our past who is married. I almost never hear or read anything good from these sorts of things; they almost always lead to people taking it where it shouldn't go. It was wrong of him to be confiding in you about his wife and marriage, that's a betrayal if you ask me.

 

You're not a bad person. Sounds to me like you're just very lonely. I think it's common for us to reconnect with someone from 'back in the day' and then think that maybe that connection is really "fate" and we make it out to be something it's not...........but you gotta seriously end all further contact with this clown. ASAP. You deserve better than the crumbs of a married man.

[wannabdone]

I have been single for about 12 years. Was busy raising my children.. My youngest is 17. His 2 kids are in college. They went away on a family vacation this past weekend. That's when they confronted him. I haven't been around him at all for years. Just started talking about old times. We were really good friends in ms and hs. And then we lost touch for a pretty long time. He is the one that started telling me that he and his wife both had demanding jobs and that they just didn't really do anything together any more. But that he was really close to his girls and he would do any thing for them. That he had thought of leaving but he didn't want to do that to them. I know I deserve all of these harsh words but it just really hurts, because we have been able to talk about everything.

 

 

Hurtandalone..... I know the words seem harsh, but I promise you, give it some time and come back and reread them and you will see them differently. Right now you are raw and things hurt a little worse than when you are at your "normal self". Most everyone on here is supportive, and very helpful. I felt the same way at first. I was like....'OMG!!! WHY ARE THEY COMING AT ME???" I had never felt so low in my life, but now looking back, they were as bad as I had taken them. And realized that they were trying to help and its really hard to read ppl's emotions via emails, especially when we don't know them. Its hard enough and can take things out of context when we do know the person, let alone when we've never met them. You will also find, the longer you are on here you will get used to the way people post, and you will see they meant nothing by it.

 

Okay, now back to the real deal at hand. So they are in college.... how did they get ahold of his texts or emails????? And again, who are these children that feel like the can come and threaten their father?????

 

With you not being around him, I agree you really don't know him. Remember when they are married....at first its always best foot forward. So you don't know him because you aren't around him f2f, but on top of that don't know him, because he is putting on his game face. It doesn't matter if it to have an A, or to just catch up with a friend from HS, we all put on that best foot forward pose to impress.

 

i know you are hurt. But do you think that maybe he put a sense of hope in you? You are apparently bothered by your divorces, and talking to him reminising about old times, times before your M and D's maybe took you to a place that felt good??? A time, if you will, before you had made the "mistakes" you have felt you made in your life..... and maybe that alone could have been a reason that you became so fond of him??? Do you feel that you might love him? I didn't see that, or I over looked it. A lot of times women will find them selves in A, and its almost like their chance to make the wrongs, right. Make sense?

 

Oh and FYI... you are actually having an "affair". Anytime that a man will say lets "cool it" for a while, so his W doesn't find out, its an A. It doesn't have to involve sex in order for it to be an A. Women especially can get just as torn up, if not more if its a Emotional connection rather than a physcial. So, welcome to the club!!! I know you can't believe you are here. Most of us can't. I would have NEVER thought i would have an A. I watched my father cheat on my mom, I hated cheaters....why do they just not leave their spouses????!!! Well, just like you, I'm here. It doesn't make you bad, you are just human. And he apparently struck a desire you have.

 

I am sure that now that your youngest is 17 and you say you took the time to raise your children, you are thinking what your next step is in life. When your children turn that age, we start "wigging out", they will be gone, and our reason for what we do on a daily basis are gone. Oh crap.... and we will be alone. That and I really think the romantic notion of the HS times, prior to your ex's, have gotten you in what I always say "the perfect storm".

 

I will have to say, I don't think he will leave. Pretty much I know he won't. Like someone mentioned..... almost retired, girls in college, lose his family??? Nah, not gonna happen. Plus, we go back to the fact....he told you he wasn't. And just like someone else said....your having these feelings now....well, its only down hill from there.

 

I would say email him back and tell him "yeah we will cool, it....FOR GOOD". This man does not have the right to tell you when and not you can talk. I mean WTF???? Lets cool it for now. Meaning..... I can't talk to you right now, because my coward ass is about to get busted, but as soon as the storm settles, lets talk. Screw that!!! Right now is your change to show him and yourself your self worth. That you will not be used and tossed away like trash.

 

I can't speak to if he was playing your or not, if his emails were always friendly and just about high school, what is wrong with that??? So, I don't really think that was all that was discussed. If so, He would have told his kids to shove it up their ass. So, wanna tell what the real convo's were about???? If its what I think, and he acts this way.... still I don't know. He did tell you he wouldn't leave, so he pretty much told you what he was open for. Ya know??? Its hard to say someone is playing someone when they have out right came out and told them they wouldn't leave.

 

Has he been telling you that he loves you??? Talking about leaving, with the exception of that one time that he said he would if not for his kids???

Which fyi.... doesn't matter if their kids are 6 or 60.... these bastards will find a way to spin it where those kids are the reason they can't leave. I get shocked when I hear different stories....here is one of kids being older and they are still using that same old damn excuse. Man, can these ass's not come up with a new excuse...... or hey, how about just the truth. Any, sorry for the soap box moment there. Whether he is playing you or not.... its still hurts. And I am sorry.

 

Again, can you offer a little bit more infor?

[wannabdone]

My guess is...................you're not the first woman he's been having an affair with, even if this one was only an emotional affair. I suspect that's why his daughters were even snooping through his communications in the first place, because he's got a history of this kind of thing and they 'know the signs.'

 

It is never ever a good idea to get to communicating and 'catching up' with someone from our past who is married. I almost never hear or read anything good from these sorts of things; they almost always lead to people taking it where it shouldn't go. It was wrong of him to be confiding in you about his wife and marriage, that's a betrayal if you ask me.

 

You're not a bad person. Sounds to me like you're just very lonely. I think it's common for us to reconnect with someone from 'back in the day' and then think that maybe that connection is really "fate" and we make it out to be something it's not...........but you gotta seriously end all further contact with this clown. ASAP. You deserve better than the crumbs of a married man.

 

 

GOOD POINT CG!!! That would make sense....that's why I was saying who are these kids????!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

I know my kids would not like the idea of me being involved with him.. but he is the first man in all the time I have been single that I have thought I could be happy with. I know I have to get past this. I've gotten over men before, but this seems harder than my divorces. And both of my husbands married "the other woman".

 

So, because of that, you feel justified? Or you feel jipped, so now it's your turn to snag a MM? Sorry that I may be coming off harshly, I really am trying to understand why you doing this, when you know the pain infidelity brings. It makes no sense as to why you'd put another through that, let alone since you say your kids wouldn't be happy with your choice.

 

Yes, you can get past this. It seems harder because the affair dynamic and the intensity it brings on, the lying, the secrets, sneaking around, the honeymoon phase lasts longer and everything is based in heat of the moment feelings, talks etc.. It isn't a 'real' relationship. it's an affair. I hope you know this, so shield your heart.

[MissBee]

I agree with country, it seems odd that his children have access to his phone and have so much input, but if he has done this before, it makes sense why they would have a vigilante attitude towards him.

 

He already told you leaving his wife would cause his kids to disown him, and clearly he doesn't want that, soooo it doesn't look like he is going to leave anytime soon and truly, if he does leave, if his kids hate him and so on, it may make your life with him less than peachy.

 

How did he reconnect with you? Did he look you up? You him? Note, that there are plenty stories of people reconnecting with old flames or some past person and a lot of times it is no accident, but this person, for whatever reason, was actually searching, whether consciously or subconsciously for some form of distraction and thus the "we-haven't-spoken-in-years-but-reconnected-and-are-again/now-inlove" story ensues; as truly, I have gotten in touch with old classmates and have never gotten into romantic relations with them, because I was not open to it, and it was far from my mind or theirs, OR if it was on their mind it wasn't on mine. I think one or both people have to be open for this to occur and usually it seems one or both were "looking". A lot of these stories also include reconnecting via social media/online and almost never in person, which lends to an element again of fantasy and this person looking for fun/distraction/good feelings but is in no position to do anything REAL and consequential to change their circumstances. Texting, chatting, emailing, phoning a woman who lives far away can be a welcomed and low-risk distraction much different from actually choosing to divorce one's wife! So be wary of this. The age of the internet, as well as quicktime modes of communicion, has given people who are philandering or just bored a great tool to carry on virtual lives/affairs in a "safer" way. If you have a smarty phone, you can text, email, facebook, tweet, call, all the day long and find thrill and comfort in it, and never have to do anything more risky.

 

3 months IMO of virtual time together is not enough for him to up and leave his wife and life and is hardly anything to base love upon....

Edited September 7, 2011 by MissBee

[Lucky_One]

Don't forget - his kids are going to hate you, too. That sort of makes Thanksgivings a little lonely, and not seeing his future grandchildren on Christmas morning is going to suck.

[hurtandalone]

For awhile it was just about what was going on in our lives and then it turned to what "should have been". Then it went to wouldn't it be great to be together now..... He hasn't told me he loves me. And he has said he wished he had the balls to leave but he didn't want the confrontation with his wife and kids. He didn't say he would never leave (even though I know that means almost nothing). But he didn't want it hanging over his girls' head while they were in college. And I know this is an emotional affair but he can't be saying this for sex cause there has been none and he lives too far away for it to be convenient.

[wannabdone]

For awhile it was just about what was going on in our lives and then it turned to what "should have been". Then it went to wouldn't it be great to be together now..... He hasn't told me he loves me. And he has said he wished he had the balls to leave but he didn't want the confrontation with his wife and kids. He didn't say he would never leave (even though I know that means almost nothing). But he didn't want it hanging over his girls' head while they were in college. And I know this is an emotional affair but he can't be saying this for sex cause there has been none and he lives too far away for it to be convenient.

 

 

Huh, intersting. So his "he wished he had the balls to leave ut he didn't want the confrontations with his W and k's"..... well at least he openly admits to being a coward.

And interesting on his reasoning while the girls are in college. Wonder whats next? After the girls get M? Or now the girls have kids, and it goes on and on and on.

 

How do you know he can't be saying this for sex cause there has been none and he lives too far away???? No sex....NOT YET!!! And too far away.... there are cars, planes, all kinds of ways to get there. And trust me, they will get their if they think they will get some. And meanwhile until he actually does "get some", he gets his ego stroked the entrie time by a woman who is listening to him, and telling him how much better her life would have been if he would have been in it. THATS A HUGE EGO BOOST!!

 

Honey, I'm telling you, I would email him back and tell him we are cooling it for good. He's not going anywhere. And if he comes back after the "cool it" period and you accept, there is the first time of many times to come. And the hurt your feeling now.... will just get worse. I promise.

 

Your only 3 months into it, and yes it hurts, but nothing like 3 years into it. Again, I think some how this took you back to a time before your M's and D's and how wonderful that would have been. I think the hurt your feeling is more tied up into that. I just really can't see how 3 months of internet conversations, could have you devasted. Still hurts, yes. But I think its really more about other things attached to it.

[TurboGirl]

I know my kids would not like the idea of me being involved with him.. but he is the first man in all the time I have been single that I have thought I could be happy with. I know I have to get past this. I've gotten over men before, but this seems harder than my divorces. And both of my husbands married "the other woman".

 

Hurtandalone... not trying to be mean, but do you see a pattern here? I think that you are selecting men that are not good for you. You married two of them, and now you are fooling around with another one!!!!

 

Why not go & get some counseling to take a look at what is going on there. Might help you break this string of bad choices.

[phillyfan]

Dude u must b a woman who is strong & has dignity 2 get thru the crap ur exes put u thru. So U R TOO GOOD 4 THiS. Don't mess up ur goodness ova sum married dude. Who cares if u knew him wen u were 17 or yesterday? U don't know the dude well, it's already damaged the kids bad, just walk away u ain't weak, walk away he's not a good dude. And his wife, he'll, she's you, just 10 yrs ago or weneva u were bein cheated on. Don't let that SH*t hapen 2 her. At d least tell him u ain't gona talk no more unless he is a single dude as u ain't alredy had an affair but uv already helped destroy his kids view of their dad, can u imagin WTF wud go down if u started a proper affair?

[wannabdone]

Dude u must b a woman who is strong & has dignity 2 get thru the crap ur exes put u thru. So U R TOO GOOD 4 THiS. Don't mess up ur goodness ova sum married dude. Who cares if u knew him wen u were 17 or yesterday? U don't know the dude well, it's already damaged the kids bad, just walk away u ain't weak, walk away he's not a good dude. And his wife, he'll, she's you, just 10 yrs ago or weneva u were bein cheated on. Don't let that SH*t hapen 2 her. At d least tell him u ain't gona talk no more unless he is a single dude as u ain't alredy had an affair but uv already helped destroy his kids view of their dad, can u imagin WTF wud go down if u started a proper affair?

 

 

Ah, PF.... When I see that you have made a post, I always go to look at what you said. You are always so on point, and you don't hide it with a bunch of fluff. Seriously!! I love your posts!!!

 

@HA.... he is right!!!