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Ended an affair with much younger, single man and feeling completely depressed...

curiousjane

By curiousjane
in Infidelity

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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2011aug Established Member

2011aug

Posted
Posted
It's not new info. I mentioned it in my first several threads...but people tend to ignore that and continue pinning me as the ultimate adulterer.

 

I did forget about that.

 

So, do you consider your current situation even with your husband's affair?

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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

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I did forget about that.

 

So, do you consider your current situation even with your husband's affair?

 

 

No I don't consider what I did even. I don't believe in revenge affairs. I made the decision to forgive him...which means not to get back at him. That was about 5 years ago and never did it cross my mind that I would do this to intentionally get back at him. I didn't even mention this in my original post because it obviously was not a revenge act. No way do I think my current actions are justified by what he did a long time ago. I only brought it up because people that he never did me wrong....and I was a horrible person.

 

And to the other person who asked why I am still posting...I am just as interested as you are. If you don't want to read what I have to say...then get off the thread!

Severely Unamused Established Member

Severely Unamused

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And to the other person who asked why I am still posting...I am just as interested as you are. If you don't want to read what I have to say...then get off the thread!

 

I want to read what you have to say, so I won't be getting off the thread.

 

But you sidestepped my questions: Why are you still posting here? What is your plan? And another new one: What exactly do you want?

 

As I said prior, right now you are mostly sparring with other people over the internet, throwing the "j" word around, as well as getting overly-defensive. It's non-constructive and quite predictable: I can see this behaviour repeating itself whenever another poster decides to type out something that you find inflammatory.

 

Of course, you have an opportunity to break this pattern of behaviour, in which case, you may find more supportive and useful posters on LS.

 

Because until you demonstrate some growth, you may well have some of those shots coming to you.
This bears repeating.

 

Anyway, I will hold off on further commentary until anything else happens. So you won't have to deal with me. Maybe some other posters will follow suit.

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

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CURIOUSJANE:

 

WHY don't you enable private messages? So I can respond to this thread properly??

 

 

QUICK LINKS (up there near the log out)

 

USER CONTROL PANEL

 

"Edit Options"

 

"click on" "enable private messages"

Edited by SincereOnlineGuy
turnera Established Member

turnera

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And to the other person who asked why I am still posting...I am just as interested as you are. If you don't want to read what I have to say...then get off the thread!
You never answered my question.
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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

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Thanks Cheergirl! I will take your advice! I didn't respond initially, but couldn't resist. But you're right...there is no point responding to these people.

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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

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I just checked and followed your instructions. I don't see "enable private messages".

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Okay, this is just getting stupid now......

 

You're never going to fess up to your husband about your EA with a younger man. You're going to sweep it under the rug and continue to pretend that it never happened; all the while, ignoring the REASON why it happened in the first place. Husband already suspects something is up but he can't put his finger on it (he's not stupid, believe me he knows something isn't right), so he's gonna be left in the dark wondering what HE did wrong. Then there's always going to be this ever present elephant in the room and only one person is going to know the reason why it's there.

 

THEN, after I post this, you'll probably respond that I don't know you or anything about you...blah,blah,blah.....Then, I come back and say that I have to ASSUME that's what's going to happen because you keep side stepping everyones questions...blah,blah,blah...

 

So, all I can say is good luck with that!

Edited by Chi townD
Severely Unamused Established Member

Severely Unamused

Posted
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Okay, this is just getting stupid now......

 

You're never going to fess up to your husband about your EA with a younger man. You're going to sweep it under the rug and continue to pretend that it never happened; all the while, ignoring the REASON why it happened in the first place. Husband already suspects something is up but he can't put his finger on it (he's not stupid, believe me he knows something isn't right), so he's gonna be left in the dark wondering what HE did wrong. Then there's always going to be this ever present elephant in the room and only one person is going to know the reason why it's there.

 

THEN, after I post this, you'll probably respond that I don't know you or anything about you...blah,blah,blah.....Then, I come back and say that I have to ASSUME that's what's going to happen because you keep side stepping everyones questions...blah,blah,blah...

 

So, all I can say is good luck with that!

 

I said that I would hold off commentary until something happened. And now we have it, somebody finally got the message. Just remove the word "now" from the bolded.

 

To paraphrase what I suggested before, she only takes into consideration what she wants to take into consideration, and not what she needs to take into consideration to instigate change. Anything outside the comfort zone...shut out completely.

 

Now let this thread die, everybody.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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I just checked and followed your instructions. I don't see "enable private messages".

OP, you don't have enough posts nor have been here long enough to access the PM system. To do so would require an investment of 2.50 for a month's worth of premium service.

 

I'll join others in asking what is your plan for recovery?

 

I think a doctor would be a good start for assessing your physical health and potential depression. Treat as appropriate. Then work next steps.

 

It appears you've invested most of your adult life into this one person who is your husband. I wish you well in the steps to come.

SerenitySeeking Member

SerenitySeeking

Posted
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Everything happened so suddenly and was not prepared to handle the consequences of having this affair come to an end.

 

 

It's most likely because you were looking for something other than your M and now that you have gotten a taste of it your M is going to taste stale and old in comparison.

 

If you were ever in love with your H you will be able to get it back if you really want to and try. If you never loved your H then it is clear that you are starting to realise that you need more than a loyal companion waiting at home for you in order to feel happy with your life partner.

 

You have two choices. You could tell your H about the affair but this is only if you genuinely love him and want to regain your marriage and make it something stronger or:

 

If you wish to maintain the status quo and attempt to restart the A or engage in searching for other/another man then don't tell him.

 

However, at least admit to yourself the truth of your situation. An A is a conscious decision and it takes work, planning and good time-management. That is not a mistake. It's a decision to build something with someone else while maintaining your safe and stable official relationship. It's selfish and wrong. You should own that and once you do you will be able to make better decision regarding what you want and how you will live your life.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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some people just aren't fit to be married

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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

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It's most likely because you were looking for something other than your M and now that you have gotten a taste of it your M is going to taste stale and old in comparison.

 

If you were ever in love with your H you will be able to get it back if you really want to and try. If you never loved your H then it is clear that you are starting to realise that you need more than a loyal companion waiting at home for you in order to feel happy with your life partner.

 

You have two choices. You could tell your H about the affair but this is only if you genuinely love him and want to regain your marriage and make it something stronger or:

 

If you wish to maintain the status quo and attempt to restart the A or engage in searching for other/another man then don't tell him.

 

However, at least admit to yourself the truth of your situation. An A is a conscious decision and it takes work, planning and good time-management. That is not a mistake. It's a decision to build something with someone else while maintaining your safe and stable official relationship. It's selfish and wrong. You should own that and once you do you will be able to make better decision regarding what you want and how you will live your life.

 

You are absolutely right. I didn't look at it that way before. But I will own up to that fact that it was no mistake since it did take some planning and lying. The "being human" part is just making the wrong decisions that got me here in the first place.

turnera Established Member

turnera

Posted
Posted

If you're that disinterested in your husband, why can't you just do something decent, and leave him? That way, you can do whatever the hell you want, and you won't drag your husband's reputation down with you.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted
If you're that disinterested in your husband, why can't you just do something decent, and leave him? That way, you can do whatever the hell you want, and you won't drag your husband's reputation down with you.

 

because her husband's well being isn't a consideration for her. she is thinking of herself.

SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

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You are absolutely right. I didn't look at it that way before. But I will own up to that fact that it was no mistake since it did take some planning and lying. The "being human" part is just making the wrong decisions that got me here in the first place.

 

Being human is sometimes used to accent the flaws we have in being so.

Being human can also be used to acknowledge the good in us too.

There is a quote from a popular movie that says in paraphrasing

"we are at our best when things are at their worse"

 

A crisis will always bring mankind together.

Things like race,creed and culture take a backseat in times of ill-fate toward humanity.

 

Your marriage reached such a crisis and communication was either not effective or acknowledged so you chose a not so respectable path.

 

Whether there was sex or not..you chose to give what was mainly for your husband to someone else..yes..that's being human to an extent..but that doesn't define what a human being really is. If we always look at being human as a way to excuse or validate our flaws..how can we use being human for our greater accomplishments?

There is far more to being human than just acknowledging our flaws.

Being human also means being able to do the right thing.

It is always your choice

That's what being human comes down to in a nutshell..the choices we make.

Our lives will always be dependent on the choices we make and that comes with being human.

We may offer our opinions and some may and can be harsh..but it is ultimately you who will have to live with this and your family as well.

Because no matter how you look at it..your choices don't always affect just you..it affects those who are close to you.

That's just another consequence for being human.

Osiris1234 Established Member

Osiris1234

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I have never been in this situation throughout my marriage. But, I am sure it won't happen again. I do love my H very much and find that when I do focus on him/us...I am completely happy. I just got a little sidetracked with the possibility of something new, young, and fresh and just got carried away with my emotions. I never intended to go there, but it did. I am human and it happens.

 

 

If you loved your husband you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

 

A little side tracked because you got something new and young and fresh? /

 

Well hell then I believe your husband has the right to have something new, young, and fresh because im sure as hell he is probably tired of doing the same routine over and over with you as well.

 

This isn't about being human, its about being able to keep your legs closed or having some self control.

 

Just save your husband time by just leaving him already so you can go and have your "fun" with something New, young, and fresh while he finds someone who appreciates him more.

Severely Unamused Established Member

Severely Unamused

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Yeah, let's all just ignore her until she does what we say is right!

:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Um, what, who are YOU? the leader of the gang? the boss of everyone? Geez...:rolleyes: "Now let this thread die everybody." Ok dad...LOL:p

 

 

I'm putting you on my ignore list.

 

Find somebody else to taunt. Or don't and become a more mature person.

 

You are absolutely right. I didn't look at it that way before. But I will own up to that fact that it was no mistake since it did take some planning and lying. The "being human" part is just making the wrong decisions that got me here in the first place.
Now there is some personal growth. Only took 7 pages. If you are not trolling, than what is your plan?

 

It's an amusing thread even if you don't answer me.

Edited by Severely Unamused
Missing brain cells.
SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

Posted
Posted
Yeah, let's all just ignore her until she does what we say is right!

:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Um, what, who are YOU? the leader of the gang? the boss of everyone? Geez...:rolleyes: "Now let this thread die everybody." Ok dad...LOL:p

 

 

 

 

There you go OP, sensible, challenging, caring, non-judgemental and mature. I told you they were here!:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

 

Honest, heartfelt, challenging advice without judging being bitchy rude or mean-spirited:bunny::bunny::bunny: I think this is the real heart of LoveShack...

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWViXrGQdvk&feature=related

I knew you had it in you SS, now you sound like a good therapist... Challenging, insightful, inspiring, even! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

Thanks..being a therapist doesn't define who I am..It's just what I do. I can be quite biased when it comes to deception and infidelity. I have handled many cases of it..it is the truth that always wins out.

 

I read a thread on another site where the OM sent the husband a video of him doing his wife 20 years earlier. They have been married for 27 years. Even though it was 27 years ago..it is just like it happened that very day for him. Statistics may say that 70% never find out..I don't know if that's true..but what about the other 30% who do..5,10,15 and maybe 20 years later? How will the wayward spouse justify keeping a secret like that and lying to their companion that long?

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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

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Ok dad!

You said you were amused, and your screen name is "severely unamused"! how funny! (you sound like a barrel of laughs... block me if you like :p)

 

 

This is too funny! Cheergirl...you are awesome!

nyrias2 Established Member

nyrias2

Posted
Posted
If you loved your husband you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

 

A little side tracked because you got something new and young and fresh? /

 

Well hell then I believe your husband has the right to have something new, young, and fresh because im sure as hell he is probably tired of doing the same routine over and over with you as well.

 

This isn't about being human, its about being able to keep your legs closed or having some self control.

 

Just save your husband time by just leaving him already so you can go and have your "fun" with something New, young, and fresh while he finds someone who appreciates him more.

 

Rights are way over-rated. It is not about who has the right ... it is about who has the guts, and know-how to go out and get what he/she wants.

 

How do you know her husband isn't some unattractive fat guy who can't get a girl even if he wants to? How do you know this is not the best he can get?

 

And funny you mention being human. Humans are notorious of NOT having self control. Otherwise, we wont be here talking, will we?

nyrias2 Established Member

nyrias2

Posted
Posted
Thanks..being a therapist doesn't define who I am..It's just what I do. I can be quite biased when it comes to deception and infidelity. I have handled many cases of it..it is the truth that always wins out.

 

I read a thread on another site where the OM sent the husband a video of him doing his wife 20 years earlier. They have been married for 27 years. Even though it was 27 years ago..it is just like it happened that very day for him. Statistics may say that 70% never find out..I don't know if that's true..but what about the other 30% who do..5,10,15 and maybe 20 years later? How will the wayward spouse justify keeping a secret like that and lying to their companion that long?

 

Apparently you do not represent the bulk of therapists.

 

From table 1: 57.3% of therapists DISAGREE with disclosure for PAST AND TERMINATED AFFAIRS.

 

"How will the wayward spouse justify keeping a secret like that and lying to their companion that long?" ... by listening to one of these 57.3% therapists?

 

Plus, do they really *need* justifications? They can so they do it .. that is all they need.

 

And i will believe the 70% figure. If Arnold can get away for so long (and if not someone threatened to make it public, Maria will NEVER know), it must be a lot easier for most WSes.

 

How many here would never know if the BS is just a little more careful?

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curiousjane Member

curiousjane

Posted
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Rights are way over-rated. It is not about who has the right ... it is about who has the guts, and know-how to go out and get what he/she wants.

 

How do you know her husband isn't some unattractive fat guy who can't get a girl even if he wants to? How do you know this is not the best he can get?

 

And funny you mention being human. Humans are notorious of NOT having self control. Otherwise, we wont be here talking, will we?

 

 

LOL! Love it! That was awesome! Actually, my husband is quite attractive. He is in shape and good looking. We make a great couple. He just lacks in the social department.

SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

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Apparently you do not represent the bulk of therapists.

 

 

 

No I do not because most therapists are not familiar with how to handle infidelity. They concentrate on just the individual. I am more of a counselor.

I will go by what I learn from reality than a statistic. I represent the 42.7% who are for disclosure.

Edited by SoulStorm
Osiris1234 Established Member

Osiris1234

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Posted
How do you know her husband isn't some unattractive fat guy who can't get a girl even if he wants to? How do you know this is not the best he can get?

 

She would have never married him in the first place then, physical attraction is important, you don't have that then the relationship won't work.

 

If she did marry him and he really is a unattractive fat guy then either she was desperate or he is rich among other things other then marrying him for himself.

 

I dunno, im just going by what OP has told us.

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